Everyone here in Victoria-land is wetting their pants about some football match they reckon is on today, but Melbourne Victory is not playing until tomorrow.

Wankers.

UPDATE (6pm): Whoops! Apparently there was the grand final of something called the Australasian Footballers’ League. Hearty congratulations to the mighty Broadmeadows Roosters!

Comedy gold from he of the ever-expanding head, Collingwood Football Club president Eddie “Boney M” McGuire, addressing his troops in the wake of the recent drink-driving scandal involving key players Heath Shaw and Alan Didak:

On Monday (Eddie) McGuire lectured Collingwood players about their responsibilities and highlighted how much sacrifice club officials, including himself, had made.

It is believed Mr McGuire indicated being president had cost him “four or five” Gold logies.

My valve!

Together, let us sit upon the ground, sing sad songs and chronicle the end of John ‘Sam’ Newman’s television career:

Thursday - Newman sees footage of Tasmanian tourism minister Paula Wriedt, finds her attractive and expresses a desire to “come on her”. He is pulled into line and castigated by James Brayshaw, who Newman tells to “shut up”. He writes off the incident as a misinterpretation.

Friday - Nine defends Newman for the umpteenth time. The producer of The Footy Show  suggests he’s done “nothing wrong”, and that Newman is “horrified” his comments might have been taken in a sexual context. Despite apparently having nothing to apologise for, Newman ‘phones Wriedt to apologise.

Saturday - Female MPs predictably call for Newman’s removal from the show. Wriedt’s father admits that she was upset by the incident.

Monday - Wriedt attempts to take her own life and is rushed to hospital for emergency treatment.

Now, nobody in their right mind would suggest that ‘Sam’ Newman is directly responsible for Wriedt’s suicide attempt. Reports suggest that Wriedt had many more pressing issues in her life than a single smutty remark: a second marriage breakdown, separation from her two children, the burden of being a state minister, a failed bid for the deputy leadership and declining voter support. But it cannot have helped. The crass comment drew unwanted media attention to Wriedt at what was obviously a difficult time in her personal and professional life. Newman was not aware of Wriedt’s personal situation but that’s precisely why more respectful and circumspect commentary or ‘comedy’ is necessary.

This could be the last straw for Nine, which has ridden with Newman over many blips and freefalls but has probably had about enough. To use a term from one of ‘Sam’s own personal obsessions, he may find himself ejaculated from television forever.

It has always been my contention that footballers are muscle-bound mannequins with the ethical and intellectual capacity of Rhesus monkeys, overpaid and glorified beyond all logic and social value; that football clubs are clusters of selfish, misogynistic, homophobic ego with some gold paint slapped on the outside by PR suits; and that most footballers’ wives are vacuous, moribund clothes-horses whose moral compass hasn’t pointed ‘North’ since they were about 12. And these stories from the past four days do nothing to dampen my faith:

1.Alex Fevola, who back in December 2006 said “her marriage to football star Brendan was over”, has a preening, Wynettesque essay in today’s Herald Sun, so hideously erratic and self-obsessed that wouldn’t sound out of place if you read it on some 14-year-old’s Myspace. According to Alex, Brendan has done very little wrong (pissing on a wall was “insignificant”) and, like, he’s a good footballer and, like, a good dad so get off his case, okaaaay? No mention in Alex’s whine about Brendan jumping a bar in Ireland to belt some guy who refused to serve him. And nothing about his fly-in-fly-out fuckathons with similarly-smitten bimbo Lara Bingle (Alex seems to have developed amnesia since then).

2. Sam Newman, only a few weeks back from a Nine-imposed hiatus from The Footy Show for sexist denigration of a female journalist, opens his heart to tell viewers of his desire to ejaculate on a member of the Tasmanian state cabinet. Worse, he then insults everyone’s intelligence by trying to explain it away as something else, while Nine says that Newman has “done nothing wrong”. Newman’s mate Neil Mitchell will undoubtedly be on-air tomorrow defending him (Mitchell describes Newman as a “cutting-edge comedian”, further proof that the 3AW ego-for-hire couldn’t tell his arse from his elbow, whereas Newman seems to have mistaken his knob for his cerebrum.)

3. Fisherman-with-microphone Rex Hunt is up in arms when the media comes calling in relation to a road rage incident Hunt was allegedly involved in. “I couldn’t care less what people think of me” says Hunt, while refusing to deny that he was involved in the clash where a cyclist received a possible broken finger. Back in 2006 it was revealed that Rex couldn’t care less what his wife thought either, when his ‘cash-for-gash’ exploits (one of Newman’s quaint terms) were exposed in the media. Rex was less camera-shy in 2005 when he was punched by some teenagers in Byron Bay and wanted to share his pain, annoyance and social commentary with the world. Yibbedy-yibbedah.

4. Former Richmond player Andrew Krakouer cops 16 months in the slammer after a vicious assault outside a nightclub, where he kicked his victim in the head repeatedly. If Andrew wants advice on prison life he could call his dad Jim, who served nine years for attempting to smuggle amphetamines across the Nullabor back in the 1990s. When Krakouer Snr. was paroled in 2004, he was feted by the football media as a man trying to rebuild his life and become a good father and role-model to his son. Don’t think it worked somehow.

There are exceptions to every rule and there certainly are to this one. But throw others like Wayne Carey, Gary Ablett, Jeff Farmer, Ben Cousins, Daniel Kerr, Alan Didak, Dean Brogan, David Dench et al into the mix and it becomes apparent that while AFL footballers past and present make up 0.04% of the population, they seem to generate a much greater proportion of crime, scandal and social disruption. The odd thing is that nobody seems to be acknowledging the fact or asking why.

My brother, a Collingwood fan, works with a mad Geelong supporter who’s heading straight to tonight’s match after work but was foolish enough to leave his Cats guernsey in the office when he stepped out to visit a client earlier today.

My brother, ever the helpful soul, kindly hung it up for him.

You, sir, have been pwned.