From: Alesha Maree Capone (XXXXXX@student.rmit.edu.au)
To: lachlanconnor@gmail.com
Date: Nov 13, 2007 5:06 PM
Subject: Re: Hillsong stuff

Hi, I’m an intern at the journalism site crikey.com and I’m wondering where you found this quote “lesbianism as a sin that their residential program assists girls to ‘walk in freedom from.’” that is was posted on your blog on 22 October?
Thanks- this would be a big help with a story I’m working on

Easy enough mistake to make, I suppose, given that his name is on the front of the website. So I answered her question and politely informed her that Lachlan didn’t exist.

From: The Editor (XXXXXX@gmail.com)
To: Alesha Maree Capone (XXXXXX@student.rmit.edu.au)
Date: Nov 13, 2007 5:51 PM
Subject: Re: Hillsong stuff

Hi Alesha,

The quote comes from here (http://www.talkaboutparenting.com/
group/alt.adoption/messages/437079.html) and is spoken by Sarah Scantlen, Assistant Programs Manager at Mercy Ministries:

Approximately 40 girls live at Mercy for up to a year, coping with everything from drug abuse, suicidal thoughts, eating disorders, unplanned pregnancies and lesbianism. “We do have girls who have a history of lesbianism, and that’s definitely an issue that we deal with,” says Scantlen. “We are cautious to make sure that we’re not putting them in an area where there’s going be more struggle or temptation because this is a girls’ home. In dealing with it in counseling, they have been able to walk in freedom from that.”

Do you reckon you could email me a copy of the finished article?

Cheers,
The Editor

ps/- Lachlan Connor is a fictional YouTube politician created by my site (http://www.grods.com/lachlan-connor-independent/). Sorry about the confusion.

I reckon I spelled it out pretty clearly so imagine my surprise when I received this email the next day addressed, once again, to Lachlan Connor.

From: Alesha Maree Capone (XXXXXX@student.rmit.edu.au)
To: lachlanconnor@gmail.com
Date: Nov 14, 2007 3:54 PM
Subject: Crikey article
mailed-by student.rmit.edu.au

Hi Lachlan,
You can find the article at the link below. Thanks very much for your help- Alesha Capone.

http://www.crikey.com.au/
Politics/20071114-Borders-between-charity-and-Hillsong-church-thin-.html

That’s some fine attention to detail right there.

Bloggers at GrodsCorp managed to get a fictional persona right through to the group interview stage of Big Brother auditions this year.

“Lachlan Conner” is a dorky traffic surveyor and failed senate candidate featured in an internet video mockumentary made by the site. When GrodsCorp wrapped up the series they decided Lachlan might as well have a shot at reality TV stardom.

Big Brother producers must have found Lachlan more interesting than the real applicants on the site because he was soon sent the audition questionnaire… even though his video only received 2 votes.

GrodsCorp filled out the questionnaire with semi-bogus answers but when Lachlan was invited to a group interview his audition journey sadly had to come to an end… the character doesn’t have a drivers license with his name on it.

In an indication of how average the other real contestants must be Lachlan was chased by Big Brother producers with at least a dozen follow up calls and a few emails. You can read more about Lachlan’s story including his questionnaire answers at GrodsCorp.

..and, in turn, the gossip columns of News Ltd. rags around the country (Sydney, Melbourne, Brisbane, Adelaide and Perth).

IT WOULDN’T be the first time a Big Brother housemate has been accused of being fake, but a make-believe character making it right through to group auditions?

Lachlan Connor - a fictional character who stars in an internet video mockumentary - was apparently more appealing to producers than many real-life applicants.

Connor “wrote” in his questionnaire that his favourite movie is The Truman Show, and talks of his life-changing Contiki tour across Europe.

But because he only exists on the GrodsCorp website, the dorky traffic surveyor failed to advance to the next level.

So given the interest in Lachlan’s Big Brother tilt I decided to see if the producers were still willing to let him attend the audition.

From: Lachlan Connor (lachlanconnor @gmail.com)
To: Big Brother 2008 (bigbrother @bigbrother.com.au)
Date: Jan 30, 2008 9:18 PM
Subject: Re: BB08: Audition Invitation

Hi,

If it’s not too late to RSVP I’d love to come to the audition.

Regards,
Lachlan

I’ll let you know if I get a response.

But it didn’t end there.

Lachlan’s audition video was uploaded to the Big Brother website a few days before entries closed and was viewed barely 100 times with one or two votes before the cut off date; yet Lachlan somehow progressed through to the second round of auditions despite there being hundreds of audition videos that were far more popular and the fact that a really casual Google of Lachlan’s name reveals him to be imaginary.

From: Big Brother 2008 (bigbrother @bigbrother.com.au)
To: Lachlan Connor (lachlanconnor @gmail.com)
Date: Jan 11, 2008 1:12 PM
Subject: BB08: Congratulations, you’ve made it to the next stage!

Congratulations. You have been selected to progress to the next stage of Big Brother auditions… and your BB08 experience has begun!

You now need to fill out a questionnaire. This will help us learn more about you.

When you click on the link below, you’ll be taken to the questionnaire. You must complete this by Wed Jan 16 2008 , 5pm AEST in order to be considered for the next round.

You will need to enter your username and password that you created when you joined the Big Brother site. If you have forgotten this, please visit www.ten.com.au and go to the sign in/register section.

The URL is:

* link *

It’s important we remind you that you must click to indicate you agree to our Terms and Conditions and Confidentiality agreement. These are the same conditions that you agreed to when you submitted your initial application and they continue to apply to you throughout the selection process.

Good luck! We’ll be in touch if you are successful in moving through to the next round.

The Big Brother Team

So how could I resist logging into the Big Brother system and filling out their silly questionnaire? Little did I know that I would squander three hours of my life making up answers to 123 questions like these:

(more…)

Nice work if you can get it. Run for Parliament every three years with a campaign budget of virtually zero and rake in a few hundred grand of taxpayer coin. Why a campaign budget of nothing? Well, Pauline doesn’t need to spend the money that other independents do on getting their name and face into the heads of voters; there’s a hardcore group of rusted-on Pauline voters out there who will continue to tick her name forever. And the media gives her a free run every time — the sort of advertising that other independents simply can’t buy.

In related news, independent candidate for the Senate in Victoria, Lachlan Connor, has missed out on AEC funding to offset the costs of his campaign. “Theoretically I was owed about six dollars for my two votes,” Mr Connor said. “But I fell a little short of the funding threshold so once again independents suffered and our democracy was weakened in Australia.”

Rate this episode at YouTube.
Watch Lachlan’s Big Brother audition.

The Editor’s note: As this is the final episode of Lachlan Connor, Independent I’d like to say a hearty thankyou to those who took part in its production (you know who you are) and everyone who took the time to watch an episode or two. Even though Lachlan was a chore a lot of the time — what with us trying to do proper jobs, our complete lack of acting talent, and (in the end) a complete lack of scripts — I do know that we had a bunch of fun.

ABWPBILCI: i was thinking the other day
why didn’t we vodcast lachlan?

The Editor: I don’t even know what that means.

ABWPBILCI: pffft

The Editor: You mean through iTunes or something?

ABWPBILCI: yeah

The Editor: Maybe boost the hits from 35 to 40…

ABWPBILCI: to a million!

The Editor: FUCK!!!!

ABWPBILCI: we could’ve put in ads
made, maybe, as much as $15

The Editor: Sell-out.

ABWPBILCI: i’m all about the selling out
my name is really Maggi

The Editor: Hah!

ABWPBILCI: Maggi Whiskers Jonnie Walker

The Editor: I love Whiskers.

ABWPBILCI: sorry, Whiskas I think it is

The Editor: That too.

ABWPBILCI: on a teachers salary it provides ample nutrients

The Editor: And it comes in a variety of flavours.

ABWPBILCI: and essential snouts

The Editor: Gotta run.
Gonna blog this conversation (it’s xmas — lazy blogging is allowed) and then go to the shops.

ABWPBILCI: who gives a shit what we say?

The Editor: Who gives a shit about anything we write?

ABWPBILCI: :( that’s it, bloggings over

Summary
Everyone knows what happened thanks to tonnes of proper election analysis in the MSM and the blogosphere so I might just mention a single point that especially makes me smile: Family First have gone from strength-to-strength with their national primary vote climbing -0.04% to the massive total of 1.97%, while their nemesis, the “extreme” Greens, grew their vote by 0.4% to 7.59%.

Suck shit, Steve Fielding. There’s now absolutely no doubt that once that stain on democracy is removed from the Senate in 2010 we’ll never have Family First make either chamber look untidy again.

How the candidates went
Let’s check out those aspiring politicians to whom GrodsCorp paid attention during the campaign (all figures are from AEC website at 5:50pm, 26 November 2007.)

Stuart Ulrich, independent for Charlton, scored 2.29% of the primary vote which he can partly attribute to scoring first place on the ballet (sic) paper. (Read this if you want to understand the “ballet” joke.) Still a not-totally-shite result despite the donkey vote.

Jemma Tribe, Family First for Cunningham, polled half a percentage point less than her party’s national average with 1.48% of the primary vote. If she was Steve Fielding, and with numbers like that, she’d be sitting in Parliament right now.

Stewart Glass, independent for the Senate in South Australia, has built a solid base for another tilt in 2010 with 65 votes, or 0.01% of the primary vote. Maybe his campaign was a hammer and the election was a wood screw? (As John Surname said when he saw Stewart’s YouTube video: “Buy a screwdriver.”)

Zane Alcorn (AKA MC Doc Fruit), Socialist Alliance for Wills, scored 0.73% of the primary; Margarita Windisch, Socialist Alliance for the Senate in Victoria, managed 0.08%.

Philip Nitschke, independent for Menzies, gathered a respectable 3.91% of the primary vote in a blue-ribbon Liberal seat against the (ex) minister for immigration, Kevin Andrews. Here’s hoping he can boost that percentage up to 4% with absentees and postals to get his deposit back.

Lachlan Connor
Look, I’ll be honest with you. We were all ready to shoot two episodes of Lachlan Connor, Independent during the GrodsElectionParty but when things started to go oh-so-right we started to get oh-so-drunk. There was no chance that we were going to tear ourselves away from the telly long enough to turn the camera on, and even if we did get the camera turned on we probably would’ve pointed it the wrong way and forgot to put a tape in. So Lachlan will appear in an epilogue episode this week and that’ll have to do.

Disgraceful behaviour
Some of you may be aware of the allegation that Kevin Andrews tore down the posters of an opposing candidate on election day. Andrew denies that he committed this offence with a spokesperson from his office saying, “It’s not true, it’s absolute rubbish.” Well, I can say that I was rather closely involved with the whole incident on Saturday and I have no choice but to declare that Kevin Andrews is a lying liar who lies.

The Liberal Party
Decimated. Pure and simple. I hope with every fibre of my being that Tony Abbott is elected leader so that it implodes just a little bit more.

In conclusion
John Howard, you are a national embarrassment. May you never have another chance to fuck this country up in any capacity ever again. Good riddance.

Rate this episode at YouTube.
Visit Lachlan’s blog.

Rate this episode at YouTube.
Visit Lachlan’s blog.

Rate this episode at YouTube.
Visit Lachlan’s blog.

Rate this episode at YouTube.
Visit Lachlan’s blog.

Rate this episode at YouTube.
Visit Lachlan’s blog.

Gay and lesbian people to receive the same rights as normal people.

At least it’s, um, clear and unequivocal, I suppose.

If you’re still not convinced about the Purser-Connor synergy just check out this quote from James Purser…

Do you want a representative that has a vision beyond “follow the leader”? Do you want someone who can deal with both sides of politics to ensure that this country regains it’s place as one of the leaders? Do you want someone who views the coming challenges as an opportunity to grow rather than a political tool?

I can be that representative. I can be that someone.

…and compare it to this quote from Lachlan Connor.

If I’m elected to serve as a Senator for the Victorian people I will follow what can truly be called a centrist path. None of this dog-whistle politics, or politics of fear and insularity. None of this me-too popularism. I’m sick of politicians who are anti-intellectual, who are afraid to think outside the square. I think politicians should be people we can look up to; people we can trust.

I can be that people.

Spooky.

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Visit Lachlan’s blog.

But isn’t it bizarre that you walk away from your laptop and website for only a few days and heaps of shit happens that is really blogable? Bridgit and John have done a great job covering the best of the week’s events but here are two things I noticed when I returned home this afternoon.

1) Lachlan Connor, Independent reviewed by Helen Razer
I spent the mid 90s listening to Helen Razer on Triple J breakfast and think she’s just grouse. Now she thinks Lachlan Connor is at least slightly better than total shit. Here she is writing in Crikey:

As we know, J-Ho and Kevin-in-The-Back-Seat-Of-My-Cadillac have thrilled cineastes the world over with their sterling YouTube contributions. And if this wasn’t enough to convince you that top-down media had been displaced rather in the fashion of a buttery upside-down cake, just have a look at what the electorate is doing.

[…]

The offering by Lachlan Connor, Victorian independent candidate for Senate, is rather like John Howard’s scalp. Which is to say, rather dry in patches. This is certainly the Wayne’s World isomer for Election ‘07.

Awesome! I’ll get a warm fuzzy for the rest of my life whenever I think of those quotes, although as GrodsReaders have been debating, nobody seems quite sure about what Razer means by “isomer”. Now that I know that Helen Razer is watching I might have to have a crack at writing some actual — gasp — scripts, rather than making it up as we go along.

2) Samuel Gordon-Stewart, no longer independent
In disappointing news, Canberra’s own Samuel Gordon-Stewart has withdrawn from his tilt at the seat of Fraser.

the mail reason for my withdrawal from candidature is a lack of support. Despite the handful of people who have put their hand up to sign my nomination form this week, I am still well short of the required fifty signatures. At the beginning of the week, when I made this decision, I was short of twenty signatures, and had about a week to get just over 30 more.

It wasn’t impossible, but at that stage, with a couple other minor issues getting in the way (issues that I could have overcome but were just incredibly inconvenient and poorly timed), and the fact that I have non-refundable bookings for a week-long holiday in Sydney next week that I booked nearly two months ago, I decided that the best option for me, and for Fraser, was for me to withdraw from the race.

Another thing which really hit home on Sunday whilst I was standing outside Government House waiting for the Prime Minister to arrive and meet the Governor-General, was that as much as I was telling myself that I was there as a candidate to witness an historic event, I couldn’t shake the fact that I was there as a journalist (and before any of the usual suspects get started, no, not just for this website). I enjoy journalism, I enjoy being a caller on talkback radio, and oddly, I like the little bit of anonymity that affords me. These things just don’t mix with politics.

Should we start printing up some Samuel10 t-shirts?

Rate this episode at YouTube.
Visit Lachlan’s blog.

Rate this episode at YouTube.
Visit Lachlan’s blog.

Rate this episode at YouTube.
Visit Lachlan’s blog.

The Editor asks the questions while Billybob and Hairball create a wind wall for the mic

In a wide-ranging conversation we discussed climate change, federalism, private versus public services, campaigning, preference deals and more. Click here to view the video if it doesn’t appear below.

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Visit Lachlan’s blog.

We came, we shot, we drove home.

There are three great episodes of Lachlan Connor does Canberra on the way to your computer screens as soon as I can get my connection to the YouTube uploader to stop reseting. Fingers crossed for tonight. In the meantime, enjoy this video taken on my digital stills camera of a toilet in the Queanbeyan Royal Hotel. Why were we in Queanbeyan? Two words: Floriade and lack of Canberra accommodation. Why were we in the Royal Hotel? We’d arrived from Melbourne at midnight, our motel was around the corner from the Royal, and we were desperate for a beer.

So to celebrate a year of Lachlan Connor, Independent, and for the benefit of those who may have come to the series late, here is episode one…

… and here is the short film edit of episodes one to fifteen to quickly catch up on the storyline.

Here is Lachlan’s first policy release for the week: education.

“What’s wrong with it?” asked McBec.
“It’s shit. It’s poorly written, poorly acted and poorly directed,” I summed up.
“Unlike Lachlan Connor,” retorted McBec snidely.
“Lachlan Connor isn’t on SBS,” came my brilliant comeback. “And besides,” I continued, “LC is barely written, atrociously acted, and simply isn’t directed.”

I won the argument by arguing McBec’s case better than McBec.

Rate this episode at YouTube.
Visit Lachlan’s blog.

Rate this episode at YouTube.
Visit Lachlan’s blog.

Rate this episode at YouTube.
Visit Lachlan’s blog.

Rate this episode at YouTube.
Visit Lachlan’s blog.

Rate this episode at YouTube.
Visit Lachlan’s blog.

Rate this episode at YouTube.
Visit Lachlan’s blog.

Rate this broadcast at YouTube.
Visit Lachlan’s blog.

Rate this episode at YouTube.
Visit Lachlan’s blog.

Senate candidates in each election invariably range from the overbearing and parochial one issue alternatives… to the laid back ‘she’ll be right’ political hopefuls. LACHLAN CONNOR well and truly fits into the latter description. As an independent candidate he is in many ways appealing to those fostering A-political views and at the same time placing a satirical spin on his entire campaign…As part of the Wire’s commitment to bringing you the voice of the lesser known candidate’s for the forthcoming election DAN HAMILTON spoke to LACHLAN CONNOR and asked him why he is running as a senate candidate in Victoria.

Why not have a listen? Just press play:

Download audio file (LachlanConnorTheWire.mp3)

Last Friday I was interviewed by Dan Hamilton of The Wire who is compiling a series of reports on independent candidates at this year’s federal election. He tells me that the interview will air this Thursday and that it will also be available online. I’ll provide a link here when it is posted on the website.

Could be worth a listen…

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Hi Lachlan

Stuart Ulrich from the seat of Charlton, I myself will also be running as an independent.

Just something remember the constitution.

At the Parliament House website one can search for the why behind this, using constitutional debates for the search.

As I have found our government and those in Canberra, that’s is all of them are constitutionally inept.

The constitution holds certain powers for federal and those of the states that they had when the constitution was signed is 1900.

Good Luck

Stuart

Um, yeah. Right.

Anyway, I did some Google detective work and discovered that Stuart Ulrich is the “founder” of something called The Australian Peoples Party (no apostrophe in sight.) The Party’s mission statement:

The aims of this Party are fairly simple, being to take back government from the major Parties and actually govern for the people of this great country.

That’s right, GOVERN FOR YOU.

To provide the care to those who cannot any longer care for themselves.

To ensure that the future of Australia ’s men and women and families of the Defence Forces is assured rather than forgotten after a photo opportunity.
To provide the security, on joining the forces, should one of these men and women be injured or otherwise leave with a reduced capacity to earn a suitable income for themselves and their familes.

But the passion behind TAPP all seems to come down to anger about poltical perks and waste.

This site, the documentation, policies and constitution have been put together over the internet.
That’s right, those involved in that process have never met.

So what you say? Wouldn’t that just mean you don’t know each other? Not so, in any way. Email and phone contact is all that was needed to reach agreement on these policies etc.
This amply demonstrates the major Parties total incompetence, unneeded use of taxpayers money and blatant waste of the same for the endless meetings, trips and more.
It further shows that these Parties not only waste taxpayers money but they do so for Party Political purposes.

How often have you heard of various Coaliton MP’s being flown to Canberra for meetings when all it is really about is fronting the PM and being given an ultimatum. Which is “Stick your hand up or get out”!.
It also shows the major Parties do not have the technical know how to reach the people of this country except by using YOUR MONEY.

Why should current MP’s travel this country during election campaigns at your expense? We have no explanation but we do have alternatives. It’s Party work, not government remember. Do non sitting members get this privelige.
NO WAY.

When you vote did you know that any candidate/Party that receives 4% or more of the primary vote will be paid $1.99 per vote? From the taxpayer. To fund political campaigns.
Vote first for anyone other than the major Parties as they do not need us to pay for their campaign(s).

And how will Stuart and TAPP fight this money-for-votes scourge?

The Australian Peoples Party is hoping to have this party registered for the federal election. We have always wondered what these other party’s have done with the $2.10 that they receive for every person, as long as they have reached 4% of the primary vote.

Well The Australian Peoples Party is going to give it to you straight, we are going to give back to the electorate for which we have a candidate stand 75% and this will be used for those causes or organisations that require a hand.

You may think this is some sort of joke or a catch involved but no there isn’t. This party is not about becoming rich but to do the right thing and yes we are putting our money where our mouths are.

So if you are thinking of running at the next federal election as an independent or just fed up and want to have a go then you are on the right course.

Awesome!

Anyway, if any of you can help Lachlan decode Stuart’s email he might be able to reply.

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Visit Lachlan’s blog.

The English language is a living, breathing, constantly evolving beast. As exciting as this is for many of us, we must recognise the difference between new words, expressions and ways of communicating, and incorrect grammar bred from laziness, ignorance and stupidity.

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Visit Lachlan’s blog.

Rate this episode at YouTube.
Visit Lachlan’s blog.

Rate this episode at YouTube.
Visit Lachlan’s blog.