From: Alesha Maree Capone (XXXXXX@student.rmit.edu.au)
To: lachlanconnor@gmail.com
Date: Nov 13, 2007 5:06 PM
Subject: Re: Hillsong stuff

Hi, I’m an intern at the journalism site crikey.com and I’m wondering where you found this quote “lesbianism as a sin that their residential program assists girls to ‘walk in freedom from.’” that is was posted on your blog on 22 October?
Thanks- this would be a big help with a story I’m working on

Easy enough mistake to make, I suppose, given that his name is on the front of the website. So I answered her question and politely informed her that Lachlan didn’t exist.

From: The Editor (XXXXXX@gmail.com)
To: Alesha Maree Capone (XXXXXX@student.rmit.edu.au)
Date: Nov 13, 2007 5:51 PM
Subject: Re: Hillsong stuff

Hi Alesha,

The quote comes from here (http://www.talkaboutparenting.com/
group/alt.adoption/messages/437079.html) and is spoken by Sarah Scantlen, Assistant Programs Manager at Mercy Ministries:

Approximately 40 girls live at Mercy for up to a year, coping with everything from drug abuse, suicidal thoughts, eating disorders, unplanned pregnancies and lesbianism. “We do have girls who have a history of lesbianism, and that’s definitely an issue that we deal with,” says Scantlen. “We are cautious to make sure that we’re not putting them in an area where there’s going be more struggle or temptation because this is a girls’ home. In dealing with it in counseling, they have been able to walk in freedom from that.”

Do you reckon you could email me a copy of the finished article?

Cheers,
The Editor

ps/- Lachlan Connor is a fictional YouTube politician created by my site (http://www.grods.com/lachlan-connor-independent/). Sorry about the confusion.

I reckon I spelled it out pretty clearly so imagine my surprise when I received this email the next day addressed, once again, to Lachlan Connor.

From: Alesha Maree Capone (XXXXXX@student.rmit.edu.au)
To: lachlanconnor@gmail.com
Date: Nov 14, 2007 3:54 PM
Subject: Crikey article
mailed-by student.rmit.edu.au

Hi Lachlan,
You can find the article at the link below. Thanks very much for your help- Alesha Capone.

http://www.crikey.com.au/
Politics/20071114-Borders-between-charity-and-Hillsong-church-thin-.html

That’s some fine attention to detail right there.

Bloggers at GrodsCorp managed to get a fictional persona right through to the group interview stage of Big Brother auditions this year.

“Lachlan Conner” is a dorky traffic surveyor and failed senate candidate featured in an internet video mockumentary made by the site. When GrodsCorp wrapped up the series they decided Lachlan might as well have a shot at reality TV stardom.

Big Brother producers must have found Lachlan more interesting than the real applicants on the site because he was soon sent the audition questionnaire… even though his video only received 2 votes.

GrodsCorp filled out the questionnaire with semi-bogus answers but when Lachlan was invited to a group interview his audition journey sadly had to come to an end… the character doesn’t have a drivers license with his name on it.

In an indication of how average the other real contestants must be Lachlan was chased by Big Brother producers with at least a dozen follow up calls and a few emails. You can read more about Lachlan’s story including his questionnaire answers at GrodsCorp.

..and, in turn, the gossip columns of News Ltd. rags around the country (Sydney, Melbourne, Brisbane, Adelaide and Perth).

IT WOULDN’T be the first time a Big Brother housemate has been accused of being fake, but a make-believe character making it right through to group auditions?

Lachlan Connor – a fictional character who stars in an internet video mockumentary – was apparently more appealing to producers than many real-life applicants.

Connor “wrote” in his questionnaire that his favourite movie is The Truman Show, and talks of his life-changing Contiki tour across Europe.

But because he only exists on the GrodsCorp website, the dorky traffic surveyor failed to advance to the next level.

So given the interest in Lachlan’s Big Brother tilt I decided to see if the producers were still willing to let him attend the audition.

From: Lachlan Connor (lachlanconnor @gmail.com)
To: Big Brother 2008 (bigbrother @bigbrother.com.au)
Date: Jan 30, 2008 9:18 PM
Subject: Re: BB08: Audition Invitation

Hi,

If it’s not too late to RSVP I’d love to come to the audition.

Regards,
Lachlan

I’ll let you know if I get a response.

But it didn’t end there.

Lachlan’s audition video was uploaded to the Big Brother website a few days before entries closed and was viewed barely 100 times with one or two votes before the cut off date; yet Lachlan somehow progressed through to the second round of auditions despite there being hundreds of audition videos that were far more popular and the fact that a really casual Google of Lachlan’s name reveals him to be imaginary.

From: Big Brother 2008 (bigbrother @bigbrother.com.au)
To: Lachlan Connor (lachlanconnor @gmail.com)
Date: Jan 11, 2008 1:12 PM
Subject: BB08: Congratulations, you’ve made it to the next stage!

Congratulations. You have been selected to progress to the next stage of Big Brother auditions… and your BB08 experience has begun!

You now need to fill out a questionnaire. This will help us learn more about you.

When you click on the link below, you’ll be taken to the questionnaire. You must complete this by Wed Jan 16 2008 , 5pm AEST in order to be considered for the next round.

You will need to enter your username and password that you created when you joined the Big Brother site. If you have forgotten this, please visit www.ten.com.au and go to the sign in/register section.

The URL is:

* link *

It’s important we remind you that you must click to indicate you agree to our Terms and Conditions and Confidentiality agreement. These are the same conditions that you agreed to when you submitted your initial application and they continue to apply to you throughout the selection process.

Good luck! We’ll be in touch if you are successful in moving through to the next round.

The Big Brother Team

So how could I resist logging into the Big Brother system and filling out their silly questionnaire? Little did I know that I would squander three hours of my life making up answers to 123 questions like these:

(Selected highlights only. Go here to read Lachlan’s response to all 123 questions.)

14) Tell us in at least 300 words about your childhood. Where did you grow up? What was your family life like?
I grew up in a fairly normal family. I have three sisters and a brother; we are all very close. My family has always had pets and my current cat, Napoleon, is like a family member too.

I loved going to the beach with my sisters and my Mum and Dad for weekends and family holidays. I remember that my brother hated the beach because he hated the feeling of sand in his clothes and dried salt on his skin. My sisters and I used to tease him heaps.

We spent the first 20 years of my life in Brisbane before we moved to Melbourne for my Dad’s work. I didn’t really like the move at first because I had to leave my girlfriend behind but it wasn’t long before I made new friends and, most importantly, a new (better) girlfriend.

I attended public primary and high schools and was an average achiever in all academic and non-academic areas. I had a wide circle of friends and a fairly constant string of girlfriends. My bloke friends tell me that I have a bit of a way with ladies.

I completed a Bachelor of Arts at RMIT where I was active in many clubs and societies, from silly ones like the beer club, to serious ones like the environment club.

Funny thing is, despite having done very grown up things like run for Parliament, I don’t really feel like I’ve grown up.

15) Describe your family life now. Has it changed since you were a child?
I don’t speak to my siblings quite as often as I’d like to but not because we’ve moved apart. More because we’re all busy and don’t get on the phone as much as we should. I see my brother every couple of weeks at the pub for a bit of a session and try to have lunch with my sisters whenever I can.

I talk to my Mum and Dad on the phone every week — they live in Brisbane again now. I love them deeply.

16) Do you have any brothers and sisters? Tell us about each of them (including their names and dates of birth).
Susie (2/6/72) is my eldest sibling. She’s a bit crazy but, strangely, quite mature as well. She is married with two adorable kids and works in HR.

Craig (4/9/74) is a bit of a sook but my mate all the same. He’s a bachelor like me but shares the Connor way with the ladies.

Bree (23/5/78) is a total loose-canon. She’s a bit irresponsible but lovable all the same. Bree has been with her boyfriend for a few years and the whole family is waiting for them to get married.

Heather (1/1/81) Is the baby of the family and we all treat her like that — despite the fact she hates it. Heather is still at uni after all these years and seems she will never finish her BA.

19) How would you describe the role you play in your family’s dynamics?
I’m a bit of a peacekeeper for my sisters when things get out of hand in that lovable, bitchy way. I help my shy brother interact with the others when he’s having a bit of trouble.

21) How does your family describe you?
They say that I’m ambitious and tend to make things happen. They like the fact that I follow through on things when I say I’m going to do them, like run for Parliament.

Mum and Dad reckon I’m responsible and trustworthy. My brother reckons I’m never willing to pay for my round, and my sisters reckon I’m crap at selecting their Christmas gifts.

22) Who in your family are you closest to? Why?
Depends, really. For drunken heart-to-heart stuff it would be my brother but for sober, responsible stuff it would have to be my sister Susie. I think I relate slightly better to Craig because of the male-male thing but I get on with Susie well because we’re quite similar.

24) Name three things you could not do without in the house and why.
* News and current affairs because I’m a total junkie and love knowing what’s going on in the world.
* Books because I absolutely love reading.
* My cat Napoleon because I love him to bits.

25) What are your best qualities?
I am passionate, sensitive and intuitive. I am an independent thinker who doesn’t take anything on board without critically examining it. I have a reasonably high threshold for frustration and other people whose traits annoy me.

26) Tell us about any bad habits you have (be honest!)
I guess I can be a bit self-righteous and a bit of a know-it-all, although it’s often just my superior knowledge in most matters that annoys other people.

27) What habits and behaviour do you find most annoying in others?
I find sloppy thinking and sloppy self-discipline annoying. I do tend to get annoyed when other people’s behaviour doesn’t meet my own standards.

28) Do you have any phobias? What?
Not really. Maybe just spiders and snakes.

29) What three things frustrate you most about every day life?
* Not enough hours in every day — too much to do.
* People who get in my way by being disinterested.
* Liberal voters.

30) What is your biggest achievement?
Without a doubt running for the Senate at the 2007 election and having the honour of people voting for me.

31) What are your life ambitions?
I want to make a real difference in my country and in the world. I want to help steer this country in the right direction by taking part in the great Australian democracy experiment. I will improve my children’s lives by being a member of Parliament.

32) What is your most prized possession and why? Who gave it to you or did you buy it yourself?
I hate to call a pet a possession but it has to be Napoleon. My ex-flatmate Heather gave him to me after my previous cat, Molly, was killed in a tragic road accident. My life would be empty without Napoleon.

37) List your three favourite films or actors. Any special reason?
* Milo and Otis — Just too cute for words.
* The Shawshank Redemption — I know everyone says this one but it’s still a great film.
* The Truman Show — How ironic.

38) List your three favorite books or authors. Any special reason?
* The Da Vinci Code — WOW!
* Anything by Clive Cussler — Talk about page turner.
* Anything by Steven King — Don’t read it just before sleeping!

39) Tell us in at least 200 words about a topic you know more about than anyone else.
I just love Australian politics. I think there is no more important thing in our lives yet most people seem so ignorant about the people and system that governs their lives.

I’m a total news junkie and consume news from when I wake up until I go to sleep. Radio, newspapers, TV, it doesn’t matter. Anyone who is willingly ignorant about the politics of their own country loses a bit of my respect.

Of course, having run for Parliament myself I have a more intimate knowledge of Australian politics than almost anyone I meet. I know all about the technicalities of the system, the various political parties and trains-of-though, the theories and practices, the policies, and the controversies.

For my 2007 campaign I boned up especially on the campaigning methods of past candidates in order to not repeat their mistakes and increase my own chances.

I’m a total political expert.

40) In your quietest moments, what do you think or dream about?
How this country could be and how its people don’t seem to care enough to change the things they whinge about.

41) What does happiness mean to you? What makes you happy?
Happiness is the ultimate state of being. It is what we all strive for.

Happiness is good friends, intelligent conversation, good wine, top food. Knowing that my family loves me and that my cat is sleeping on my lap.

42) What famous person do you admire most and why?
Nelson Mandela. He struggled bravely for so long and in the end his calm nature, goodness of heart, and patience broke down ignorance, bigotry and hatred.

43) Who would you have dinner with and why? – Nicole Kidman, Ben Cousins or Britney Spears?
Ben Cousins. I’d like to tell him what a bad example he’s setting for the youth of this country.

44) What makes you sad?
The terrible state of our planet and country and the fact that nobody really seems to care. From environmental crises to genocide in Africa. We can do so much better than this but we don’t seem to want to.

45) What makes you angry?
The same as what makes me sad. Plus I hate rude people who keep being rude even after you try even harder to be nice to them.

46) How do you generally manage your anger?
I suppress it unless I think that letting it out at the target of my anger would benefit from hearing what I have to say. They might initially be stunned but in the long run they learn something about themselves.

47) What techniques do you employ to best manage stress in your life?
I know it sounds funny but sitting on my couch alone in my house with my cat on my lap, a glass of red in my hand, and some tunes on the CD player.

48) Which historical or mythical figure do you think you are most like? Why?
I think Mark Latham without the crazy. If you put aside the fact he was a bit nuts he was actually an admirable man. He fought doggedly against the power structures to try and achieve the democratisation of power. He spoke his mind and didn’t care what other people thought.

49) Have you ever had to share a bedroom? When? Tell us anything you found uncomfortable about it.
Lots of times. During my life-changing world travel across Europe on a Contiki tour for eight weeks and shared dorms with other travellers. I didn’t mind it for the most part but found it slightly off-putting when I was trying to have an intimate moment with one of the ladies and other people were doing the same. It kind of kills the mood.

50) How do you really feel about being filmed 24 hours a day? In at least 100 words, tell us about any aspects of it you are uncomfortable about?
I don’t think anybody could honestly be totally comfortable with it but I’m pretty cool overall. Obviously it will be hard to go to the toilet on camera, and I think there will be times that I just want to be 100% alone but I reckon I’ll get through them okay. Knowing that other people are in the same situation as me will make the experience a bit easier I reckon.

51) How do you feel about the possibility of being seen naked by viewers on in intimate situations?
Nudity doesn’t worry me one bit — it’s very natural. Again, the intimate thing will take some getting used to but if the intimacy and strength of feeling is real then I’m sure that will overcome any uncomfortableness

52) Tell us in at least 200 words how you feel about having no contact with the outside world for approximately 3 months? This includes having NO access to TV, newspapers, radio, CD, computer or mobile phone.
This is probably the hardest part of Big Brother for me. As I’ve said I’m a total news junkie and I reckon giving news up will be like giving cigarettes up. I will have to work hard to suppress my natural curiosity and try to think about other things.

I’ll find it tough to live without books as they’re a great way to get your mind off things and just escape for a while. The need to constantly socialise without escaping into fantasy for a while will be tough.

Other TV and music will be easier, although not easy. I’m sure I’ll overcome that one pretty quickly.

Having said all that, I’m prepared for the challenge and reckon that I’m totally up for it.

53) Who do you live with and what’s your relationship to them? How long have you lived there?
I don’t live with anyone. I previously had a flatmate who was like a sister to me. I’ve lived in this house (mine) for about four years.

54) Tell us how you spend your days. If you work tell us about your job; if you’re a student tell us how you spend your time etc.
Until very recently I spent my entire days campaigning for election but now that the election is over I’m back to normal. At the moment I work part time (about three days) as a traffic surveyor which means I am allocated to a road point and survey traffic patterns.

When I’m not working I’m generally working on the draft of a book I’m writing about my experience as a political candidate.

55) If you aren’t doing your dream job – what would it be?
Hands down: politician.

60) Do you have any hidden talents or unusual hobbies or interests?
I’m a very good public speaker and actually enjoy addressing crowds. I’m good at getting across complicated messages in a simple and engaging manner.

61) How do your friends describe you?
They say that I’m driven, fun-loving, and a natural leader. They like the fact that if there’s a social outing to organise I’ll take care of it. They love the fact that I will be last one at the bar with whoever’s leftover talking crap or high culture until the sun comes up.

62) How would you best describe three of your closest friends?
Jacob is a close mate of mine who is a lovely guy but a bit unreliable. He’s got a heart of gold but doesn’t always have the motivation or commitment to back it up.

Heather (not my sister) is probably my closest friend and she’s like my fourth sister. She looks after me when I’m down and is my partner-in-crime when I’m up. Don’t tell her I said this but she’s like my soulmate without the sex.

John is another good mate who is just the best guy around for a laugh. He’s constantly cracking jokes even when the mood’s down. I know he’s trying to make people happy but sometimes he needs to know when to stop and get serious.

63)Have you ever fallen out with friends? Why?
Most of them at some stage — it’s a normal stage of friendship. Often there’s a misunderstanding where my friends just fail to do the right thing and I get a bit disappointed with them. Not angry, but disappointed. I do understand that I can have very high standards sometimes and that’s unfair.

We always make up in the end, though.

64) Tell us about a recent example of a person you have found hard to get along with. Why did you not like them? Why did your personalities clash?
A young man who was volunteering on my campaign rubbed me right up the wrong way because he was immature and wouldn’t take the task seriously. He failed to understand the gravity of the tasks he was allocated and this meant that he was disrespecting me. I’m all fine with jokes and stuff but there’s a line.

66) Tell us about your relationship history, the different people you have had relationships with and whether you are still in contact with them. What was their (full) name?
My most serious high school girlfriend was Gloria Stewart and she was fantastic. We had the most fun together, although we only made to last base just before we broke up.

After high school there was a bit of a drought until the Contiki tour where I formed relationships with three girls: Vicki, Emma and Michelle (I don’t know their last names). I know it sounds weird but they were all really meaningful relationships and I feel them guiding me in my soul.

The only other serious relationship was with Laura who I was with for some years. We were very close and even bought this house together. We broke up because we just drifted apart and we’re not very good friends any more. Since then she has slept with my friend Jacob.

67) Are you happy with your current relationship, or lack of it? How did it happen?
I’m not happy being single. I’ll be honest. I just haven’t found the right woman since breaking up and I was soooo busy with my campaign. Hopefully things will turn around now.

68) What was your most significant relationship? What happened?
That would be Laura. As I said, we were like soulmates at the start and started drifting apart at the end. It all finished when she went a bit mental and threw all of my things out of the house onto the porch. However, I got the house because I was the only one who could afford to buy the other out.

69) Have you ever had your heart broken? What happened and when?
See above. Laura broke my heart. I thought we could patch things up but she just went berko.

70) Is there anyone you once loved (your first love perhaps) and are still not over?
Not really. I’ve kind of moved on from all of my loves. I felt that we parted as our joint journeys through life ended. I still feel close to them but it’s time for all of us to fly separately.

72) Are you usually the dumper or the dumpee? What happens and why do you think that is?
Although they’re mostly 50/50 I guess that I’m usually the dumpee. I guess it’s because I have generally higher standards and levels of commitment and motivation.

73) What is the worst way you have dumped someone, or been dumped?
It’ll have to be Laura chucking my stuff out the front window — electronics included. Break my heart but not my CD Discman. Plus I hated having to split all of our chattels. A very messy way to break up.

74) Describe your ideal relationship.
A loving woman who is respectful, good looking, intelligent, curious, motivated and committed. She would be supportive of all my endeavours and willing to help me in any way that I ask. She would pull her weight in maintaining my house and try hard to like my friends.

We would enjoy intelligent conversation, fine food and good wine; outdoors activities and intimate weekends away.

75) If you could start all over, what would you like to change in your life?
I would probably attempt to build my political capital a bit earlier in my twenties. I would also do a political science degree at university. I might try to pick a few of my friends a bit better as well because once you’ve picked friends you’re more-or-less stuck with them.

76) What do you expect from the future? Where would you like to be in ten years?
I expect nothing but success — I’m a bit like that. I WILL be in Parliament in ten years improving this country and the world.

77) While you’re in the house, it’s likely that ex-lovers, former friends etc, may come forward to tell the world what you’re ‘really’ like – how do you feel about this? Can you guess who might spill the beans?
Look, to be brutally honest I don’t really care. I’m confident enough in the way I’ve lived my life that I know viewers will judge the people spilling beans against what they know of me and select a side accordingly.

I’m fairly certain that Laura would have some pretty scandalous (and incorrect) stuff to say about me.

79) Have you ever been to a funeral? Tell us about it, including who it was and how they died.
The only funeral I’ve been to was for a work colleague who I wasn’t very close to. The person died in a traffic accident (he was hit by a car). I can’t say I have any real feelings about the experience other than thinking about if the same accident could happen to me at work.

93) Between the months of April to August is there anything in your daily routine (ie feeding your dog/cat/animal, caring for a family member, work etc), that would preclude you from being part of Big Brother?
I would get a friend to look after my cat, so no.

94) Please provide the following details for your present/most recent job: Company name, Job title, Start date, End date, Address, telephone number
I am self-employed as a contractor.

95) Please provide the following details for your second most recent job: Company name, Job title, Start date, End date, Address, telephone number
Again, I was self-employed as the owner of a CD shop.

96) Please provide the following details for your third most recent job: Company name, Job title, Start date, End date, Address, telephone number
Again, see above, although that business was an Amway franchise.

104) Do you have any food allergies or special dietary requirements?
I dislike asparagus and anything brown but that’s about it.

112) You are the absolute ruler of Australia, do you: Decriminalise drugs? Yes /No /Don’t care.
No

113) You are the absolute ruler of Australia, do you: Castrate Paedophiles? Yes /No /Don’t care
No

114) You are the absolute ruler of Australia, do you: Legalise gay marriages? Yes /No /Don’t care
Yes

115) You are the absolute ruler of Australia, do you: Lower the age of sexual consent? Yes /No /Don’t care
Yes

116) You are the absolute ruler of Australia, do you: Reduce immigration into Australia? Yes /No /Don’t care
No

117) You are the absolute ruler of Australia, do you: Reintroduce capital punishment? Yes /No /Don’t care
No

118) You are the absolute ruler of Australia, do you: Abolish the dole? Yes /No /Don’t care
No

119) You are the absolute ruler of Australia, do you: Declare a republic and commission a new flag? Yes /No /Don’t care
Yes

120) You are the absolute ruler of Australia, do you: Ban schoolies week? Yes /No /Don’t care
Yes

121) You are the absolute ruler of Australia, do you: Make Shane Warne the Minister of Communications? Yes /No /Don’t care
No

122) May we use your first name in press communications?
Yes

123) I hereby agree that I have answered these questions to the best of my knowledge.
Yes

I wish I’d done that exercise before shooting the Lachlan Connor, Indpendent series because I’ve actually got a really good idea of Lachlan’s character now: he’s an arsehole.

I honestly thought that a bunch of crap like that would give the game away pretty quickly but it seemed that the Big Brother producers were quite taken with Mr Connor and thought he might add something to the house.

From: Big Brother 2008 (bigbrother@bigbrother.com.au)
To: Lachlan Connor (lachlanconnor@gmail.com)
Date: Jan 22, 2008 7:53 AM
Subject: BB08: Audition Invitation

AUDITION INVITATION

To: Lachlan Connor

Congratulations on making it through to the next stage of the Big Brother audition process. You have been selected to attend an audition with other short-listed applicants.

THE DETAILS FOR YOUR AUDITION ARE:

Date: Sunday 3rd Feb

Location: Mercure Hotel Melbourne
13 Spring Street
Melbourne
Ph: 03 – 9205 9999

Time: 07:30 AM – Promptly

Driving: Wilsons Car Park
32 Flinders Lane
(Take car park ticket to reception of Mercure Hotel for this discounted conference rate of $25.00.
Car park payment made to hotel reception).

Train: Nearest train station “Parliament Street”. Take Spring St exit.

Tram: Tram stop directly outside hotel.

Clothing: Wear something comfortable and casual.

Reminder: Please bring your original drivers license or passport and a photocopy.

RSVP: bigbrother@bigbrother.com.au

RSVP – IMPORTANT INFORMATION!

Please e-mail us at bigbrother@bigbrother.com.au to confirm receipt of this audition invitation. Please do this now.
Let us know if you will need to attend the audition in an alternative state.

* Auditions will start at 07:30am. Please do not be late.
* You will need to make yourself available for the entire day.
* You must arrive and attend alone.
* No cameras or sound recording is permitted.
* You will be required to sign a confidentiality agreement on the day.
* You will also be required to sign a release form consenting to being filmed during the auditions, as well as a Criminal History Check application form.
* No dress requirements – come as you are, but be aware that the audition day will involve some physical activity.
* You MUST BRING THE ORIGINAL AND A recognisable photocopy of EITHER your driver’s licence or passport.
* It is your own responsibility to make your way to and from the audition. It is also your responsibility to cover all costs involved in attending the audition.
* A light lunch, tea and coffee will be available on the day.
* If you are eventually selected to be a Big Brother housemate, you must be available from late March to mid August 2008.
* Any queries regarding the auditions may be emailed to the following address: bigbrother@bigbrother.com.au.

FRIENDLY REMINDER:

* Do not speak to the other applicants before or after the auditions. Do not attempt to contact any other applicant at any time after the auditions. Anyone found swapping phone numbers will automatically be disqualified.

* All applicants must understand that from this moment on you may not discuss any details regarding your participation in the Housemate selection process with anyone – work colleagues, friends and family or press. There are no exceptions unless expressly permitted in writing by the producers.

* This includes all previous involvement and future participation.

* Any applicant found to be in breach of these rules will be instantly disqualified from either entering or staying in the House.

* You should also immediately alert the producers if anyone approaches you regarding your participation in Big Brother.

* If any of your personal details or circumstances have changed since your application video, you must inform the producers. If you are selected as a Big Brother Housemate and any of your circumstances change between now and the launch of the show, you must inform the producers.

Thank you & good luck.

Big Brother

But it’s here that, sadly, the Lachlan Connor vs. Big Brother experiment must come to an end. I was really looking forward to attending the live auditions with my glasses off (that’s the Lachlan Connor costume — just like Superman) so I could bring GrodsReaders a firsthand report on the antics of the day, but I simply don’t have a driver’s license with Lachlan’s name on it and am not sure if I could be arsed securing one. The day after the email was sent I received a call from the Big Brother producers, Southern Star, checking to see that Lachlan got the audition information. Unfortunately, the call went through to my voicemail and a confused sounding person mumbled something about “I thought this was Lachlan Connor’s phone number.”

Let’s all take a moment to reflect on just how Lachlan Connor would have fared in the Big Brother house and how his anally-retentive and arrogant ways would have brought amusement and joy to, like, heaps of viewers around the country.

Big Brother will be a poorer program without him.

UPDATE (26/1): Big Brother just can’t get over Lachlan Connor. In the last two days I have received well over a dozen phone calls from Southern Star (that I’ve let go through to voice mail) along with this email:

From: Nick (XXXXXXX@sstar.com.au>
To: lachlanconnor@gmail.com
Date: Jan 24, 2008 3:35 PM
Subject: Reminder

Hi Lachlan,

We recently sent you an invitation to an audition in Melbourne on Sunday 3rd February. We need you to respond to that e-mail with an RSVP as soon as possible. I’ve tried calling you on your contact numbers but I can’t get hold of you. If you have any questions please call me on 02 9202 XXXX.

If you have not responded by 5pm on Friday 25th January we will have to assume your response is a NO.

Kind regards,

Nick BB

Nice work if you can get it. Run for Parliament every three years with a campaign budget of virtually zero and rake in a few hundred grand of taxpayer coin. Why a campaign budget of nothing? Well, Pauline doesn’t need to spend the money that other independents do on getting their name and face into the heads of voters; there’s a hardcore group of rusted-on Pauline voters out there who will continue to tick her name forever. And the media gives her a free run every time — the sort of advertising that other independents simply can’t buy.

In related news, independent candidate for the Senate in Victoria, Lachlan Connor, has missed out on AEC funding to offset the costs of his campaign. “Theoretically I was owed about six dollars for my two votes,” Mr Connor said. “But I fell a little short of the funding threshold so once again independents suffered and our democracy was weakened in Australia.”

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The Editor’s note: As this is the final episode of Lachlan Connor, Independent I’d like to say a hearty thankyou to those who took part in its production (you know who you are) and everyone who took the time to watch an episode or two. Even though Lachlan was a chore a lot of the time — what with us trying to do proper jobs, our complete lack of acting talent, and (in the end) a complete lack of scripts — I do know that we had a bunch of fun.

ABWPBILCI: i was thinking the other day
why didn’t we vodcast lachlan?

The Editor: I don’t even know what that means.

ABWPBILCI: pffft

The Editor: You mean through iTunes or something?

ABWPBILCI: yeah

The Editor: Maybe boost the hits from 35 to 40…

ABWPBILCI: to a million!

The Editor: FUCK!!!!

ABWPBILCI: we could’ve put in ads
made, maybe, as much as $15

The Editor: Sell-out.

ABWPBILCI: i’m all about the selling out
my name is really Maggi

The Editor: Hah!

ABWPBILCI: Maggi Whiskers Jonnie Walker

The Editor: I love Whiskers.

ABWPBILCI: sorry, Whiskas I think it is

The Editor: That too.

ABWPBILCI: on a teachers salary it provides ample nutrients

The Editor: And it comes in a variety of flavours.

ABWPBILCI: and essential snouts

The Editor: Gotta run.
Gonna blog this conversation (it’s xmas — lazy blogging is allowed) and then go to the shops.

ABWPBILCI: who gives a shit what we say?

The Editor: Who gives a shit about anything we write?

ABWPBILCI: :( that’s it, bloggings over

Summary
Everyone knows what happened thanks to tonnes of proper election analysis in the MSM and the blogosphere so I might just mention a single point that especially makes me smile: Family First have gone from strength-to-strength with their national primary vote climbing -0.04% to the massive total of 1.97%, while their nemesis, the “extreme” Greens, grew their vote by 0.4% to 7.59%.

Suck shit, Steve Fielding. There’s now absolutely no doubt that once that stain on democracy is removed from the Senate in 2010 we’ll never have Family First make either chamber look untidy again.

How the candidates went
Let’s check out those aspiring politicians to whom GrodsCorp paid attention during the campaign (all figures are from AEC website at 5:50pm, 26 November 2007.)

Stuart Ulrich, independent for Charlton, scored 2.29% of the primary vote which he can partly attribute to scoring first place on the ballet (sic) paper. (Read this if you want to understand the “ballet” joke.) Still a not-totally-shite result despite the donkey vote.

Jemma Tribe, Family First for Cunningham, polled half a percentage point less than her party’s national average with 1.48% of the primary vote. If she was Steve Fielding, and with numbers like that, she’d be sitting in Parliament right now.

Stewart Glass, independent for the Senate in South Australia, has built a solid base for another tilt in 2010 with 65 votes, or 0.01% of the primary vote. Maybe his campaign was a hammer and the election was a wood screw? (As John Surname said when he saw Stewart’s YouTube video: “Buy a screwdriver.”)

Zane Alcorn (AKA MC Doc Fruit), Socialist Alliance for Wills, scored 0.73% of the primary; Margarita Windisch, Socialist Alliance for the Senate in Victoria, managed 0.08%.

Philip Nitschke, independent for Menzies, gathered a respectable 3.91% of the primary vote in a blue-ribbon Liberal seat against the (ex) minister for immigration, Kevin Andrews. Here’s hoping he can boost that percentage up to 4% with absentees and postals to get his deposit back.

Lachlan Connor
Look, I’ll be honest with you. We were all ready to shoot two episodes of Lachlan Connor, Independent during the GrodsElectionParty but when things started to go oh-so-right we started to get oh-so-drunk. There was no chance that we were going to tear ourselves away from the telly long enough to turn the camera on, and even if we did get the camera turned on we probably would’ve pointed it the wrong way and forgot to put a tape in. So Lachlan will appear in an epilogue episode this week and that’ll have to do.

Disgraceful behaviour
Some of you may be aware of the allegation that Kevin Andrews tore down the posters of an opposing candidate on election day. Andrew denies that he committed this offence with a spokesperson from his office saying, “It’s not true, it’s absolute rubbish.” Well, I can say that I was rather closely involved with the whole incident on Saturday and I have no choice but to declare that Kevin Andrews is a lying liar who lies.

The Liberal Party
Decimated. Pure and simple. I hope with every fibre of my being that Tony Abbott is elected leader so that it implodes just a little bit more.

In conclusion
John Howard, you are a national embarrassment. May you never have another chance to fuck this country up in any capacity ever again. Good riddance.

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Gay and lesbian people to receive the same rights as normal people.

At least it’s, um, clear and unequivocal, I suppose.

If you’re still not convinced about the Purser-Connor synergy just check out this quote from James Purser…

Do you want a representative that has a vision beyond “follow the leader”? Do you want someone who can deal with both sides of politics to ensure that this country regains it’s place as one of the leaders? Do you want someone who views the coming challenges as an opportunity to grow rather than a political tool?

I can be that representative. I can be that someone.

…and compare it to this quote from Lachlan Connor.

If I’m elected to serve as a Senator for the Victorian people I will follow what can truly be called a centrist path. None of this dog-whistle politics, or politics of fear and insularity. None of this me-too popularism. I’m sick of politicians who are anti-intellectual, who are afraid to think outside the square. I think politicians should be people we can look up to; people we can trust.

I can be that people.

Spooky.

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But isn’t it bizarre that you walk away from your laptop and website for only a few days and heaps of shit happens that is really blogable? Bridgit and John have done a great job covering the best of the week’s events but here are two things I noticed when I returned home this afternoon.

1) Lachlan Connor, Independent reviewed by Helen Razer
I spent the mid 90s listening to Helen Razer on Triple J breakfast and think she’s just grouse. Now she thinks Lachlan Connor is at least slightly better than total shit. Here she is writing in Crikey:

As we know, J-Ho and Kevin-in-The-Back-Seat-Of-My-Cadillac have thrilled cineastes the world over with their sterling YouTube contributions. And if this wasn’t enough to convince you that top-down media had been displaced rather in the fashion of a buttery upside-down cake, just have a look at what the electorate is doing.

[...]

The offering by Lachlan Connor, Victorian independent candidate for Senate, is rather like John Howard’s scalp. Which is to say, rather dry in patches. This is certainly the Wayne’s World isomer for Election ‘07.

Awesome! I’ll get a warm fuzzy for the rest of my life whenever I think of those quotes, although as GrodsReaders have been debating, nobody seems quite sure about what Razer means by “isomer”. Now that I know that Helen Razer is watching I might have to have a crack at writing some actual — gasp — scripts, rather than making it up as we go along.

2) Samuel Gordon-Stewart, no longer independent
In disappointing news, Canberra’s own Samuel Gordon-Stewart has withdrawn from his tilt at the seat of Fraser.

the mail reason for my withdrawal from candidature is a lack of support. Despite the handful of people who have put their hand up to sign my nomination form this week, I am still well short of the required fifty signatures. At the beginning of the week, when I made this decision, I was short of twenty signatures, and had about a week to get just over 30 more.

It wasn’t impossible, but at that stage, with a couple other minor issues getting in the way (issues that I could have overcome but were just incredibly inconvenient and poorly timed), and the fact that I have non-refundable bookings for a week-long holiday in Sydney next week that I booked nearly two months ago, I decided that the best option for me, and for Fraser, was for me to withdraw from the race.

Another thing which really hit home on Sunday whilst I was standing outside Government House waiting for the Prime Minister to arrive and meet the Governor-General, was that as much as I was telling myself that I was there as a candidate to witness an historic event, I couldn’t shake the fact that I was there as a journalist (and before any of the usual suspects get started, no, not just for this website). I enjoy journalism, I enjoy being a caller on talkback radio, and oddly, I like the little bit of anonymity that affords me. These things just don’t mix with politics.

Should we start printing up some Samuel10 t-shirts?

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The Editor asks the questions while Billybob and Hairball create a wind wall for the mic

In a wide-ranging conversation we discussed climate change, federalism, private versus public services, campaigning, preference deals and more. Click here to view the video if it doesn’t appear below.

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We came, we shot, we drove home.

There are three great episodes of Lachlan Connor does Canberra on the way to your computer screens as soon as I can get my connection to the YouTube uploader to stop reseting. Fingers crossed for tonight. In the meantime, enjoy this video taken on my digital stills camera of a toilet in the Queanbeyan Royal Hotel. Why were we in Queanbeyan? Two words: Floriade and lack of Canberra accommodation. Why were we in the Royal Hotel? We’d arrived from Melbourne at midnight, our motel was around the corner from the Royal, and we were desperate for a beer.

So to celebrate a year of Lachlan Connor, Independent, and for the benefit of those who may have come to the series late, here is episode one…

… and here is the short film edit of episodes one to fifteen to quickly catch up on the storyline.

Here is Lachlan’s first policy release for the week: education.

“What’s wrong with it?” asked McBec.
“It’s shit. It’s poorly written, poorly acted and poorly directed,” I summed up.
“Unlike Lachlan Connor,” retorted McBec snidely.
“Lachlan Connor isn’t on SBS,” came my brilliant comeback. “And besides,” I continued, “LC is barely written, atrociously acted, and simply isn’t directed.”

I won the argument by arguing McBec’s case better than McBec.

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Senate candidates in each election invariably range from the overbearing and parochial one issue alternatives… to the laid back ‘she’ll be right’ political hopefuls. LACHLAN CONNOR well and truly fits into the latter description. As an independent candidate he is in many ways appealing to those fostering A-political views and at the same time placing a satirical spin on his entire campaign…As part of the Wire’s commitment to bringing you the voice of the lesser known candidate’s for the forthcoming election DAN HAMILTON spoke to LACHLAN CONNOR and asked him why he is running as a senate candidate in Victoria.

Why not have a listen? Just press play:

Download audio file (LachlanConnorTheWire.mp3)

Last Friday I was interviewed by Dan Hamilton of The Wire who is compiling a series of reports on independent candidates at this year’s federal election. He tells me that the interview will air this Thursday and that it will also be available online. I’ll provide a link here when it is posted on the website.

Could be worth a listen…

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Hi Lachlan

Stuart Ulrich from the seat of Charlton, I myself will also be running as an independent.

Just something remember the constitution.

At the Parliament House website one can search for the why behind this, using constitutional debates for the search.

As I have found our government and those in Canberra, that’s is all of them are constitutionally inept.

The constitution holds certain powers for federal and those of the states that they had when the constitution was signed is 1900.

Good Luck

Stuart

Um, yeah. Right.

Anyway, I did some Google detective work and discovered that Stuart Ulrich is the “founder” of something called The Australian Peoples Party (no apostrophe in sight.) The Party’s mission statement:

The aims of this Party are fairly simple, being to take back government from the major Parties and actually govern for the people of this great country.

That’s right, GOVERN FOR YOU.

To provide the care to those who cannot any longer care for themselves.

To ensure that the future of Australia ’s men and women and families of the Defence Forces is assured rather than forgotten after a photo opportunity.
To provide the security, on joining the forces, should one of these men and women be injured or otherwise leave with a reduced capacity to earn a suitable income for themselves and their familes.

But the passion behind TAPP all seems to come down to anger about poltical perks and waste.

This site, the documentation, policies and constitution have been put together over the internet.
That’s right, those involved in that process have never met.

So what you say? Wouldn’t that just mean you don’t know each other? Not so, in any way. Email and phone contact is all that was needed to reach agreement on these policies etc.
This amply demonstrates the major Parties total incompetence, unneeded use of taxpayers money and blatant waste of the same for the endless meetings, trips and more.
It further shows that these Parties not only waste taxpayers money but they do so for Party Political purposes.

How often have you heard of various Coaliton MP’s being flown to Canberra for meetings when all it is really about is fronting the PM and being given an ultimatum. Which is “Stick your hand up or get out”!.
It also shows the major Parties do not have the technical know how to reach the people of this country except by using YOUR MONEY.

Why should current MP’s travel this country during election campaigns at your expense? We have no explanation but we do have alternatives. It’s Party work, not government remember. Do non sitting members get this privelige.
NO WAY.

When you vote did you know that any candidate/Party that receives 4% or more of the primary vote will be paid $1.99 per vote? From the taxpayer. To fund political campaigns.
Vote first for anyone other than the major Parties as they do not need us to pay for their campaign(s).

And how will Stuart and TAPP fight this money-for-votes scourge?

The Australian Peoples Party is hoping to have this party registered for the federal election. We have always wondered what these other party’s have done with the $2.10 that they receive for every person, as long as they have reached 4% of the primary vote.

Well The Australian Peoples Party is going to give it to you straight, we are going to give back to the electorate for which we have a candidate stand 75% and this will be used for those causes or organisations that require a hand.

You may think this is some sort of joke or a catch involved but no there isn’t. This party is not about becoming rich but to do the right thing and yes we are putting our money where our mouths are.

So if you are thinking of running at the next federal election as an independent or just fed up and want to have a go then you are on the right course.

Awesome!

Anyway, if any of you can help Lachlan decode Stuart’s email he might be able to reply.

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The English language is a living, breathing, constantly evolving beast. As exciting as this is for many of us, we must recognise the difference between new words, expressions and ways of communicating, and incorrect grammar bred from laziness, ignorance and stupidity.

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“Mr. Connor would do well to look in a mirror.”
– rbj1

“Mr. Connor would do well to look in a mirror.
He does and is mystified that he sees nothing.”
– El Cid

“That Cocklane Loner chap looks constipated in all of his photos”
– egg_

“hasn’t he got a good psycho visage? ever so slightly pointy head too”
– KK

“Checked out his campaign manager?”
– egg_

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Castlemaine’s a very pleasant town but the accommodation left a lot to be desired. Granted, I was aiming for the cheapest thing I could find but I assumed that $55 would still buy me a reasonable room. Check this out:

The TV didn’t work — it was a backup mirror

I swear there was a blood stain on the pillow

The publican informed me that it would cost only $50 instead of the quoted $55 because there was no lock on the bedroom door. The previous occupant had thrown the only key over the back fence into a paddock in a fit of drunken rage and they’d had to bash the door in.

This is what a $5 discount looks like

“But it’s okay, mate. Your stuff’ll be right in the room.”

Lachlan Connor, Independent will be screening tomorrow night at the Theatre Royal Castlemaine at 7.30pm. I’ll be up there representin’ for the GrodsCorp crew so if you can make it look for the guy who looks a bit like Lachlan Connor.

We will also resume production of new LCI episodes in April and follow Lachlan as he enters the business end of his campaign in the lead up to the election.

“So where to from here?” I hear the many thousands of Lachlan Connor devotees scream.

Well, rest assured that Lachlan Connor, Independent is not finished. We are simply taking a production break until my new MacBook arrives in six or seven weeks and Final Cut Pro is securely installed. In the meantime, something pretty cool and completely unexpected is in the pipeline for Lachlan Connor. Stay tuned for more details in the next week or two.

Remember, vote ‘1′ Lachlan Connor to ensure that there is a people’s politician in parliament.

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This cliffhanger episode will be the last for this year with the LCI production team taking a well-earned Christmas break. Keep your eyes peeled for new Lachlan Connor, Independent episodes early in January.

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These fantastic experiments in democracy will only work if you, the voter, get involved.

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1) Lachlan Connor, Independent
We successfully shot six more episodes of LCI: Preston (as Billybob has started to call it) last Saturday, managing to rope in Greeny and a very hesitant mate of J,The’s to fill new roles. J,The’s mate was concerned that he had never acted before and would look a fool. We simply showed him the first six episodes and he felt much better. Because of this uni work the new episodes won’t be edited until next Wednesday (with a massive hangover, I’d wager) so episode seven, due Tuesday, will be delayed a day or two. Tony T. of After Grog Blog will be well pleased with episode seven. Head over and peruse his blog to find out why.

2) Climate change and Howard’s hot air
It’s been interesting to watch the Howard Government desperately scrambling to change their line on global warming over the last couple of weeks. Times like these are a reminder that maybe John Howard’s not such the smooth political operator he’s often painted to be, caught once again in a half-snooze somewhere between public opinion, his personal, outdated ideology, and secret dreams of quiet afternoons at the retirement home in front of the telly with a blankey and a warm malted milk. Unfortunately, I despair that the overwhelming majority of Australians who say they are in favour of moving to renewable energy sources will have a sudden change of heart when threatened with higher energy prices.

3) Victoria Decides ‘07
God, I hate it when the media calls elections “[insert region] Decides ‘[insert year]“. Anyway, the Victorian election is shaping up to be an absolute fizzer in the lower house with the only real question being what minor change will be made to Bracksy’s majority. Ted Baillieu is about as interesting and engaging as… well… something that is really, really uninteresting and unengaging. There was a brilliant story, I think in the paper the other day, where Ted jumped on a train to get to a policy announcement and apologised to some passengers for the media intrusion. A lady said to him, “That’s okay, we’re just trying to figure out who you are.”

Priceless.

The upper house will be interesting to watch with a wide open race for the minor parties and control. I fiercely desire any outcome except for anything to do with Family First. If Steve Fielding’s band of sneaky, duplicitous morons take balance of power I’m moving to Adelaide. At least I can vote for Kate Ellis there.

I love elections and usually get nerdlingerly excited about them but this one mostly makes me want to go back to writing my honours for the 12th hour in a row.

4) $90 million for school chaplains
Attention: Kim Beazley. Your job is to provide voters with an alternative to the government. There is so much wrong with this policy that I thought even a bumbling fool such as yourself couldn’t screw it up. At least you could’ve waited a couple of minutes after Howard announced it to give it your unconditional support. Extra big Christmas card from John and Janette this year, Kimbo.

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“Lachlan looks and sounds like such a dickhead.”
– Anonymous

“Yet another dweeby leftoid who actually believes that The Age is a sensible publication that reflects majority opinion.”
– Bill Calvin

“one HUGE mistake… he said… “false dichonomy”… see… i cant even spell it”
– Orel Felcher

“Wow we could have Senator Connor and Conroy both from Victoria with disco Steve preferring 80s disco and Connor be a big fan of folk music.”
– Anonymous

“I’d rather vote for the fish.”
– Anonymous

Lachlan Connor, Independent is brought to you by the GrodsTeam, is shot on J,The’s awesome HD camera, and is subsequently mangled beyond recognition by YouTube’s compression engine. Enjoy!

Episode 1: In which we meet our protagonist and learn about his political motivations.
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