Listening to Fox FM morning comedian Matt Tilley feels like somebody is taking my heart and dropping it into a bucket of boiling tears while at the same time somebody else is hitting my soul in the crotch with a frozen sledgehammer, and a third guy is punching me in the grief-bone. That’s how funny I think he is.

But he made up for it yesterday in the Green Guide of all places, by having a go at the abnormally thin-skinned serial idiot Andrew Bolt:

“Andrew Bolt takes much joy in tearing into our show,” he says. “And this is coming from a bloke who writes for the lowest common denominator of redneck, reactionary, unthinking, unsympathetic Australia.”

Of course, Bolt took exception to this and chucked a sobbing wobbly where he imagined that Tilley’s comments better reflected Tilley, because of some competition in which he asked people to, God forbid, nominate who they’d like to sleep with in a harmless competition they entered of their own volition.

Now, deciding who the comments better reflect wasn’t easy because they’re both tools, but you really can’t overlook Bolt, can you? What’s worse - this inane, yet harmless, competition or any of the hateful crap Bolt has written?

Proving yet again that he has no idea what he is talking about, ex-lefty and moron Tim Blair has written yet another ghastly opinion piece in the 100% unbiased Daily Telegraph.

The basic idea behind this waste of ink is surprisingly stupid, even for him. For some reason, he asks us to imagine that various quotes about Global Warming are instead attributed to Islam, where, suddenly, they make sense….or something. It really is a bad idea. The basic feel of the piece is that Tim was sitting up the night before, smoking crack, racking his brains trying to think of something to write. Or maybe it was a bet gone horribly wrong.

Typical stuff really, Sideshow Tim tries to discredit Global Warming using Bolt-style methods, but he does give us some cracker quotes.

There are plenty of reasons why climate changelings overwhelmingly emerge from the left. The main one would be that, having failed to constrain capitalism by any other means, the left now seeks to impose barriers in the name of science (well, almost science; it more closely resembles a type of liberation theology).

Oh yes, that must be it. It’s another evil leftist plot to control the world! More truths of the left!

In fact, the left stands to lose far more, given extreme Islam’s hatred of their pet causes (feminism, gay rights, art, tolerance, music, diversity, everything).

Meaning, of course, that Tim opposes feminism, gay rights, art, tolerance, music, diversity and everything. Maybe Tim should be glad that we on the left want Islam to take over, and Australia to adopt Sharia Law, because he won’t have to put up with any of those horrible things anymore.

Music? Who needs that?
Gay rights? Why do those fags deserve anything?
Diversity? I don’t want a bunch of darkies living in my street!
Tolerance? What’s that?

This has been John Surname, for GrodsCorp - trying to take away your personal freedoms since 2004.

Update - Tim Blair wrote the piece on a plane, which explains the ludicrousness of it. The high altitides had a devestasting effect on his brain.

Like most people in Australia, I believe global warming poses one of the most serious risks to human kind, even bigger than illegal-immigrant-terrorist-Muslim-Lebanese-rapists taking westerner’s rightful jobs.

So how do the global warming big-wigs intend to raise even more awareness?

By holding a concert, of course. Not just one either, but a whole bunch. Ten in fact, which is two more than G8 and nine more than the Random Brainwave benefit concerts which raised $20 and a parrot.

Now, I’m a little skeptical about the benefits of a concert. Let me tell you why:

1. Carbon emissions. Concerts are notoriously bad for the environment. Mega-concerts are even worse. The Wembley concert is predicted to pump 3000 tonnes of carbon emissions into the air. That is just silly. Instead, why don’t they just build carbon pumping factories, which are far more efficient. Best of all, they save us from having to hear Bloc Party. Where the fuck is their “K” anyway?
2. Do-gooder musicians. I wasn’t interested even slightly in the G8 concerts. “Raising awareness”? Who are they kidding? It’s just an excuse for a bunch of musicians to get together, headline concerts that will be seen by billions of people the world over, and reap the benefits they receive from all the media exposure.
3. Private jets. All these musicians will be taking private jets. A little hypocritical, dontcha think? But it would be silly to let them to fly with the rabble.
4. Shoddy aims. What exactly do these concerts hope to achieve? We already know global warming is happening. There is a small smattering of small-minded critics, but I doubt Madonna is going to sway them (without showing them her breasts anyway). Again, it seems to be an excuse for musicians to raise their profile by making it look like they “care”. Aww, how sweet.
5. Coldplay. Enough said.

Their heart is in the right place, but so what? There are a million better ways to spend the money that these concerts are going to cost, and without the creation of ridiculous amounts of carbon emissions. Taping Andrew Bolt’s mouth shut, for instance. His mouth is one major contributor of carbon emissions in Australia.

Channel 7 have replaced Channel 9, not only in the ratings, but in pro-Liberal bias in their news reporting.

Consider this morning’s 10:30 news.

Channel 7 devoted about a minute to Kevin Rudd’s budget reply, promptly followed by a surprise interview with John Howard, in which he spent 3-4 minutes continually blasting Rudd and the ALP with a succession of empty comments. The newsreader (not bothering to contain her smirk) helped by asking our beloved PM hard-hitting questions along the lines of “Your campaign appears to have the momentum of a runaway freight train, why are you so popular?”.

This kind of journalism makes my stomach churn.

In other budget news, Kevin Rudd’s reply actually had more viewers than Costello’s budget announcement. No mention of this on the usual suspects.

Why am I not surprised?

He loves him thiiiiiiiiiis much. I know this because I am compiling a new section here on GrodsCorp, which you will find under the world famous GrodsCorp righty groupthink tracker, which may or may not be the reason for the huge decrease in righty groupthink. 2 each in 10 days? It’s working.

Anyhoo, my section is called “Bolta loves Kruddy“, and I keep track on how many posts Bolt writes about Kevin Rudd.

I’ll give you a hint - it’s a lot, and as the election approaches, I predict the posts will multiply and grow more deranged as Bolt fights to keep Rudd out of power in any way he can.

GrodsCorp has been following the sorry story of Andrew “Sex Machine” Bolt for a while now. After years of bravely rallying against that liar, Tim Flannery, who isn’t even a climate expert like himself, Bolt must have been completely crushed when Tim was voted Australian of The Year over a far more deserving candidate - himself.

Many of us still remember his bizarre rants containing mostly out-of-context quotes that tried (and failed) to discredit Flannery.

Quite frankly, I thought Flannery was an excellent choice, if a little political in an election year. To balance it out next year, we might need someone a little riskier…

The AOTY website states that the AOTY Award is given to:

…leading citizens who are role models for us all. They inspire us through their achievements and challenge us to make our own contribution to creating a better Australia.

Who exemplifies this more than Andrew Bolt? He’s a role model, and he inspires and challenges us all (or so he thinks). He inspired me to write this post.

Unfortunately, there is one hurdle he must overcome:

Self nominations will not be accepted.

Obviously no-one else is going to nominate him, so I am going to take it upon myself to do just that. Join me, Australian, in nominating Andrew Bolt for Australian of The Year! Give the man what he truly wants (and some may argue, deserves).

To nominate Bolt, simply follow these instructions:

1. Pick up a nomination form from your local Commonwealth Bank branch, Holiday Inn or National Seniors Association, or nominate online.

2. Complete the nomination form by supplying all the relevant information including both your nominees contact details and your own. Don’t forget to outline why you think your nominee should be named Australian of the Year, Senior Australian of the Year, Young Australian of the Year or Australia’s Local Hero.

3. Send your nomination form and any supporting material for your nomination to:

The Awards team
Old Parliament House Canberra
King George Terrace
Parkes ACT 2600

Supporting material may include personal references, portfolios, newspaper articles and resumes. Supporting material will strengthen your nomination and give the selection committees a clearer idea about why you believe your nominee should receive an award.

GrodsCorp sincerely wishes Andrew Bolt all the best, and hopes that come next Australian Day, Bolt will be standing upon the platform shaking Prime Minister Kevin Rudd’s hand.

GrodsCorp also trust that his many righty friends back up this deserving nomination. To do otherwise is equal to not supporting the war - grossly un-Australian.

Hello to all the righties who read this blog. I don’t know how many of you there are, and frankly, I don’t want to know.

But maybe I’m a bit harsh sometimes. I feel that after my “truths of the left” revelation, I should do another post to help you out. You need all the help you can get. Look at you. Are you licking the oil out of a sardine tin as you read this? Yes? Well, then listen up.

Many of you probably read right-wing blogs (like Bolt, Blair, AWH, RWDB, and Landeryou) and ask yourselves “How can I write a blog like that? And just why does this tin keep cutting my tounge?”. Well, I am here to answer one of those questions. The blog one. The tin one you’ll have to answer on your own.

Using examples from some of Australia’s most popular right-wing blogs, I intend to demonstrate how to write a self-serving, dishonest post with lots of blaming, leftie bashing, context changing and quote misuse.

1. Blame the left

For God’s sake, blame everything on the left. Right-wing bloggers blame everything on the left. From the War going badly, to David Hick’s lengthy incarceration, nothing is their fault. The idea that the left might have always been right on these issues is a scary one, so they merely turn to blaming when the heat is on.

2. Dishonesty

When quoting make sure you take it out of context entirely. Very rarely do the readers of Tim Blair actually click on the link and read the entire articles for themselves.
For example:

Fairfax blogger (and pal) Jack Marx:

“I think I’m losing my patience with the stupid … I’ve worked at some of the most allegedly foolish periodicals in the nation - The Truth, Ralph, The Picture - but it’s only at Fairfax that I’ve received such stupid correspondence from readers.”

There Blair ended the post, without even commenting on it, allowing for the false insinuation that Jack Marx thought Fairfax readers were of low intelligence. Had they clicked on the link themselves, they would have found Marx’s follow-on:

“I don’t think one can assume from this that the Fairfax readership is dim, but simply that it has a longer reach than the others.”

Bolt and Blair are especially notorious for this kind of dishonesty. When you are a true right-wing blogger, you will think nothing of twisting comments, quotes and contexts to create your own truths. Both of them are so convinced they are right, that they think nothing of this kind of behaviour as long as their original intention gets through - in Blair’s case, that Fairfax readers are stupid. Right-wing blog readers don’t question this kind of blogging as they want to believe it.

Another good example is a recent post on global warming by Bolt:

More than two dozen demonstrators braved cold, wet weather Saturday in Reno to attend a rally designed to draw attention to global warming.

You’d have to be puffin’ muffins, cuddling cactus and an absolute dingleberry to believe that any downward change in the weather cancels out global warming. Bolt knows this, but still writes dishonest posts like this in the (very likely) chance that people will read this and believe it. Again, he is so convinced he is right that he is more than willing to trick people into his point of view through dishonest methods.

3. Hate The Age

Australia’s best daily, The Age, attracts much scorn from most right wing blogs. Why? Because it’s left-wing, and there is no comparable right-wing paper. The Herald Sun is a joke. The Age has superior news coverage, a fact reflected in the right-wing blogs linkage to their website. In the case of Andrew Landeryou, however, the agenda is slightly murkier.

You see, Landeryou’s company IQ (which eventually went broke) was contracted to deliver sports statistics to The Age. They didn’t deliver, and The Age went elsewhere. Subsequently, Landeryou spends his life trying to pick fights with Age writers, claiming it’s a “vile, leftist rag” when in reality, his beef lies with the fact they fired him and his company.

Does he disclose any of this? No.

Gerard Henderson claims that The Age should move to the centre. He’d love that, as it would leave no major left-wing daily in Australia. Like many on the right (AWH, I’m looking at you) he spends his time extolling the virtues of free-speech, meanwhile speaking out against anyone who doesn’t share his view, demanding they should change (MediaWatch, for example).

4. Make false accusations about “The Left”.

Make sure you make those with left wing views sound like a monster that is about to tear down the city, and ruin your life and the lives of everyone you care about. Don’t refer to them as people, refer to them as “The Left”. Example, claim the left are “hateful”.

According to good ol’ Jonny Ray:

Leftists are great haters and to cover up their own hatreds — of America, the rich, WASPS, the bourgeoisie and anyone who is happily doing well for themselves.

Not true, of course, as many lefties live in America, drive BMW’s, are white and hell, some of us even work (unlike a popular right-wing blogger).

Of course, the right only hate people like minorities, atheists, anyone of colour, and lefties which is okay, as evidenced in this regrettable post by one Tiberius on AWH:

“The filth of the treasonous left has been allowed to fester for too long, and it has now become so bad that the wound can no longer simply be drained of pus. The whole limb must be excised.”

Not hateful at all. Now, please notice that all comments on that post have been removed.

Free speech, anyone?

5. Groupthink

Think only the left groupthink? Wrong. Spend your time linking to other right-wing blogs that share your point of view (but don’t actually explain why they have that point of view, like Blair), and all your little anonymous righty friends will post vauge attacks on the left on your blog.

So anyway, I hope this has been a help to any wannabe right-wing bloggers out there. If you have anymore to add, don’t forget to in the comments.

__________

The Editor Updates (17 April): Andrew Landeryou has emailed Lachlan Connor who has, in turn, forwarded the message to me. It reads in part:

Whoever is telling you that Fairfax didn’t want my little company providing footy stats when we pulled the plug on them is pulling your chain.

The simple truth is that we walked away from the contract, forcing them to negotiate with the wolves of News Limited who were their only other source at the time. And from memory, they were rather ruthlessly screwed by them on it. Apparently the Fairfaxistas came back to us several times but by then we’d moved on from the whole very labour intensive and not particularly prospective activity to focus on other ultimately not particularly profitable activities.

In the few years IQ dealt with them, the provision of footy stats being a pretty small part of the business and my contempt for The Age being much the same then as it now is, I never actually met with anyone from Fairfax. So your “explanation” of my dislike of them is in fact utterly bullshit. As is your claim that I hadn’t “disclosed” the fact that IQ had done business with them. It’s no secret, mentioned on my blog and in at least one Age story I can recall.

The email threatened that if a correction wasn’t published then Lachlan “must surely know what happens next.” I don’t know for sure but I suspect it has something to do with photoshopping a photo of Lachlan Connor into a compromising image of a man and a sheep. You know, the standard kind of thing that goes on over at Landeryou’s website. Lachlan tells me he’s suffering in his jocks.

GrodsCorp has always given right of reply to those who are featured in blog posts and Landeryou has now been afforded the same opportunity as everybody else. As Landeryou himself is so fond of saying: “we report, you decide.”

Hello, I’m John Surname from the highly unpopular Random Brainwave. The Editor invited me to write for this site, and how could I resist?

To begin, I’d like to tell you something.

I’m a lefty.

No, don’t recoil in horror. I am wearing pants. I do not have dreadlocks.

The most surprising part about being on the left is the realisation that people on the right know more about your views than you do:

From A Wanker’s Habitat:

It was a matter of time before the threatened Left sat down and started thinking up ways to muzzle the free blogosphere. The rule of the elite minority attempts to silence the voice of the people yet again.

That’s too rational and intelligent for me to touch.

Then I realised something shocking - she’s right. I’m all about stifling free speech. So, for the first time I intend to outline the truths of the Left, which will come as no surprise to those brave, free-thinking rebels on the right who still deny global warming - what do scientists know anyway?

1. Free speech

We hate free speech. Personally, I really hate it when people disagree with me. The only thing that takes my mind off it is polishing my framed picture of David Hicks. So, we did something really clever here. We encouraged terrorism so that the governments of the world would introduce laws that stifle freedoms - so we don’t have to introduce these laws ourselves! This was a brilliant manouvere. It doesn’t matter that “the people” want to end the war, and that “the people” want the government to do something about global warming. We intend to stifle everyone, even those who agree with us. But especially those who don’t.

2. Multiculturalism

We embrace multiculturalism - why? So that the pure blood of anglo-saxons mixes with the impure blood of everyone else. That way we become one big brown race that loses it’s perfect white values, and adopts uncivillised “African” values. The left wants this, as it’s another way of controling the minds of everyone. Hey, I’m half New Guinean and look at me! It’s not possible to be only half Anglo AND conservative. Try it!

3. Global Warming

Andrew Bolt and his enlightened followers are right. Global Warming is one big religious scam. GrodsCorp personally payed off each and every one of the 2500 scientists of the ICPP report. Why? So that we can destroy the economies of the world’s top countries and plunge the entire planet into the darkness of evil socialism. Hooray!

4. Groupthink

Groupthink is wonderful. It means we don’t have to think for ourselves. We hate that. Instead, we let some socialist/hippie from Warrandyte choose our views for us. The best thing about engaging in groupthink is that you make lots of friends, and everyone likes you. Except Andrew Bolt, and wasn’t he an ex-leftie groupthinker anyway? Maybe that’s why he’s so bitter about the left. Or maybe it’s simply because he went forward in time and read this post.

5. We hate America

Everyone on the left hates America, without question. We all want to bring down Uncle Sam - why? Because….um….America makes us SO MAD!!! They’re like….RICH and we’re, like, not. Or whatever. I’ve got the munchies, I’m going to McDonald’s.

6. We love terrorism

We love religious extremeists pointlessly killing innocent people because they hate America, and we hate America, so by default, we love extremeists!

7. We’re cowards

Yeah, we’re cowards. We don’t oppose war because we are inherently opposed to the idea of senselessly fighting other people’s battles, or looking for fantasy weapons. We’re opposed to war because we’re yellow-bellied and don’t want to be killed in some god-forsaken desert. We might get sand in our weed!

Sure, there is a lot more I could say, but what I have written basically sums up the views of the hateful left. Now that you all know the truth, use it wisely. Even better, join us. You can’t beat us. At least be on the winning team for a change.

The Editor’s on a role after this latest Bolta baiting effort. You will agree that it was a particularly nice use of illiteracy:

From: Eddie
Comment:Mr Andrew bolt, it’s so obvious. Its all oil and Mr Howard is in it to his neck. The whole war was based on lies and you people in your ivery towers just can’t see. Or is it that your in on it too? You have some explaining to do Mr Bolt.

Andrew replies: You means these barrels of oil in my back yard? Just minding them for George Galloway and the former French ambassador.

This first effort was a little over-the-top but Andy grabbed the ball and ran with it.

From: Morris Empire
Comment: Andrew, how can you be in such denial about climate change and global warming when the evidence stares you in the face a number of times a day? I read somewhere that water levels are rising, not just in oceans, but in toilet bowls too. I thought it was ludicrous when I first read it but it's true! I've been measuring at home and the results are alarming. I urge you to check for yourself.

Andrew replies: Good heavens, you are right. And it's turning blue.

Andrew Bolt yesterday returned to his high horse from a well-earned two week break down on Earth and his online forum immediately sprang into action as a breeding ground for the most entertaining exchanges on the net. Bolta just doesn't get it. People (like The Editor) send him messages carefully designed to elicit an amusing and predictable reaction and Andy, like a well-trained hamster, kindly responds every time. Check out yesterday's first exchange:

From: Penelope Wooley
Comment: What a wanker!! You're way up there with Alexander Downer. No wonder there are wars and invasions with stirrers and no brainers like you around. Thank the Lord for The Age, ABC and SBS. Compassion mate - that's what's needed.

Andrew replies: Gee, that's a nice welcome back after two weeks of hate-less holidays. Do you think your posting had all the compassion you demand from others, Penelope?

UPDATE: Speaking of pushing buttons, The Editor has just fired off this carefully crafted message to the Bolt forum in search of reaction. Let's see how we go:

From: GrodsCorp Editor
Comment: “Hate-less holidays,” Andrew? You must be referring to two weeks not having to write your hate filled column.