The rabid Right loves to swoon over its self-developed theory that leftists are subject to immorality and temptation. Bolt just about does his bolt here when he discovers that of the ‘top ten political sex scandals’ – chosen subjectively by an obscure feature writer - the only Americans featured are Democrats. He neglects to point out that all four British scandals mentioned involved conservatives.

In the interests of balance, I’ll help the Dutch one out by showing him that those on his side of the political fence are human too (though only just):

* Republican president Warren Harding, who was the JFK of the 1920s. He had a string of mistresses, some of whom were spirited in and out of the White House through an underground carpark. When one threatened to spill the beans on Harding, the Republican Party gave her a substantial bribe, a monthly endowment and a free overseas trip.

* Mark Foley, the Republican Congressman who railed against child pornography, yoof exploitation and indecency in public… while spending his spare time e-mailing and texting teenaged boys about teh sex. Foley was soon thrown out of Congress. I remember Fox News, the deceitful fuckers, captioning an interview with him as “Mark Foley (D)”.

* Unconfirmed but numerous and strikingly similar complaints against California’s Republican governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger. According to at least six women, Arnie’s got ‘those wandering hands’. No doubt he enjoys porn moofies too.

* Republican member of the House, Wayne Hays, who back in the free and fancy 70s hired a ’secretary’ who couldn’t type, file or use the switchboard. Her only job was to, well, you know… For this she was paid a full government salary.

* Jim West, a high profile Republican mayor in Washington state. West was fond of supporting homophobic legislation such as moves to ban gay teachers – and all the while he was out ramming the roads, so to speak, chatting up young male partners online and engaging in after-dark trysts.

* Speaker of the New Jersey assembly, Republican Chuck Haytaian, who engaged in the sexual harrasment of an employee. The state paid the victim a six-figure sum for damages, though not before Republican Party heavies applied some pressure on her to drop the matter.

* ‘Buz’ Lukens, a Republican Congressman who was slapped on the wrist with a wet tram ticket for “contributing to the deliquency of a minor”, after he repeatedly paid a 16-year-old girl for sex. There were reports the relationship dated back to when the girl was 13. He was later convicted of bribery, corruption and feeling up an elevator girl.

* In Australia, Liberal PM Harold Holt had a girl in each port and two in Portsea. His favourite was next-door neighbour Marjorie Gillespie, whom he took to Chevoit Beach on that fateful day when he ended up in [a Chinese sub][a great white shark][Chile] - circle whichever you prefer.

* John Gorton’s love of skirt was more deeply hidden but the subject of much whispering in Canberra. He appointed 22-year-old Ainsley Gotto as his principal private secretary; she had little experience other than as a cover girl. On another occasion Gorton inexplicably took an attractive cadet journalist – female and teenaged – to a function at the US Embassy that went into the very small hours. 

* Former Liberal Party of Australia leader Sir Billy Snedden, found dead and in flagrante in a hotel room, still wearing a condom containing the remnants of a recent liaison. The woman in question was not his wife but the ex-girlfriend of Snedden’s son, Drew.

* Snedden’s successor and later PM, Malcolm Fraser, who was famously pantsless in Memphis. (Fraser, like Menzies, was way too boring to be involved in anything salacious, so we can accept his account of being drugged and mugged.)

Does all this prove that Republicans and Liberals are depraved, perverted and easily corruptible? Of course not – it only shows that some people can be easily tempted. And since politics involves people, public interest and a prying media, there will always be a measure of scandal across all parties and points-of-view. Only an idiot would use it to suggest some kind of ideological deficiency or score a cheap political point.

From journalist (sic) and ‘million man’ Andrew Bolt:

John Pilger says Japan wanted to surrender, so the bombing of Hiroshima was yet another American war crime. Japan’s war-time Prime Minister begs to differ…

Gosh, whom to believe about Japan’s intentions – it’s leader or Pilger?

(Thanks to reader Owen.)

And grammar courtesy of another reader from south-east Queensland.

Once upon a time there was a farmer named Robert Maddock. He was a very rich farmer, and with good reason: Robert had inherited a lot of land from his daddy, Sir Kiefer Maddock, and Robert himself became quite skilled in the farming business. The key to farming, thought Robert, was to (i) own all the grain stores and (ii) therefore control distribution of the grain. When you controlled grain, Robert discovered, people tended to believe what you told them. Especially if you used lots of short words. And pictures of semi-naked women. And stories of dickhead footballers.

Anyway, Robert controlled most of the grain dissemination in his own country so he decided to branch out on a global scale. Before long he was peddling grain all around the world: in England and the U.S. especially. Robert owned so many foreign grain stores that he even had to change his citizenship! But no problem, since Robert’s only loyalty was to his grain-dependent public. Soon, Robert owned 100+ grain outlets and was, like, worth BILLIONS! Robert was so cooool. He celebrated by getting himself a new wife.

But there was one place where Robert’s entrepeneurial skillz had never managed to penetrate: a massive Asian land ruled by evil overlords who were very, very rich but controlled all the grain themselves. Robert decided that this Asian land would be his next goal. If Robert could spread his grain to the people in this land, the evil overlords would be thwarted and there would be democracy and justice for all. But to get a foothold in the Asian land, Robert first had to negotiate with the overlords themselves. Oh brave Robert!

After much negotiating the evil overlords did indeed let Robert sell his grain in the Asian land. But soon, a small problem emerged. One of Robert’s grain stores was run by bad, bad people called “leftists” who were selling bad grain that infected the people’s minds and made the overlords look bad! This grain made people have wild visions and ideas. “Enough!” cried the overlords, and threatened to close down Robert’s operations in the Asian land. Robert came up with a compromise: he would remove the store selling the bad grain, and the people would again be calmed. Peace again reigned: the overlords were happy, the people were compliant and Robert was making squillions.

Years later, things were going so swimmingly in the Asian land that they were given the opportunity to hold a grand festival of sportz. People from all over the world came to participate, to watch and observe. Some of them were called “journalists” and they found, once inside the Asian land, that the evil overlords were not letting them have access to all types of grain. They complained about this - and rightly so. One “journalist” was named Adrian Blot and he complained in a very loud voice indeed. Adrian called those who allowed the Asian land to host these games and restrict grain-flow ”a pack of weasels”, saying that they were “wallowing in [the Asian land's] cash” and “sponsoring tyrants”. Adrian was quite right about all this, which was not all that common for him; he felt good that evening as he relaxed on his leather sofa, sipping Victory Gin and listening to Puccini.

But do you know what the strange thing is? Adrian-of-the-strong-condemnation actually worked for Robert Maddock … and he had absent-mindedly forgotten to mention Robert’s very similar connections with the Asian land and its masters! So Adrian had actually criticised the sportz peoples for letting the evil Asian overlords regulate and restrict the availability of grain, when his own boss helped them do the same thing years back! Oh silly, silly Adrian. In time he will spot his error and explain that Robert actually belongs to the “pack of weasels” he so nobly slams. I’m sure he will. 

THE END

Is it wrong to see this and wish that it had another meaning?

And has Bolta really had one million hits this month? It’s only August 3rd after all.

And why do some bloggers of teh Right obsess about their hit count?

These are the pressing questions of our times.

UPDATE: Hit-bragging is so ‘in’, I think we need our own.

Listening to Fox FM morning comedian Matt Tilley feels like somebody is taking my heart and dropping it into a bucket of boiling tears while at the same time somebody else is hitting my soul in the crotch with a frozen sledgehammer, and a third guy is punching me in the grief-bone. That’s how funny I think he is.

But he made up for it yesterday in the Green Guide of all places, by having a go at the abnormally thin-skinned serial idiot Andrew Bolt:

“Andrew Bolt takes much joy in tearing into our show,” he says. “And this is coming from a bloke who writes for the lowest common denominator of redneck, reactionary, unthinking, unsympathetic Australia.”

Of course, Bolt took exception to this and chucked a sobbing wobbly where he imagined that Tilley’s comments better reflected Tilley, because of some competition in which he asked people to, God forbid, nominate who they’d like to sleep with in a harmless competition they entered of their own volition.

Now, deciding who the comments better reflect wasn’t easy because they’re both tools, but you really can’t overlook Bolt, can you? What’s worse – this inane, yet harmless, competition or any of the hateful crap Bolt has written?

Like most people in Australia, I believe global warming poses one of the most serious risks to human kind, even bigger than illegal-immigrant-terrorist-Muslim-Lebanese-rapists taking westerner’s rightful jobs.

So how do the global warming big-wigs intend to raise even more awareness?

By holding a concert, of course. Not just one either, but a whole bunch. Ten in fact, which is two more than G8 and nine more than the Random Brainwave benefit concerts which raised $20 and a parrot.

Now, I’m a little skeptical about the benefits of a concert. Let me tell you why:

1. Carbon emissions. Concerts are notoriously bad for the environment. Mega-concerts are even worse. The Wembley concert is predicted to pump 3000 tonnes of carbon emissions into the air. That is just silly. Instead, why don’t they just build carbon pumping factories, which are far more efficient. Best of all, they save us from having to hear Bloc Party. Where the fuck is their “K” anyway?
2. Do-gooder musicians. I wasn’t interested even slightly in the G8 concerts. “Raising awareness”? Who are they kidding? It’s just an excuse for a bunch of musicians to get together, headline concerts that will be seen by billions of people the world over, and reap the benefits they receive from all the media exposure.
3. Private jets. All these musicians will be taking private jets. A little hypocritical, dontcha think? But it would be silly to let them to fly with the rabble.
4. Shoddy aims. What exactly do these concerts hope to achieve? We already know global warming is happening. There is a small smattering of small-minded critics, but I doubt Madonna is going to sway them (without showing them her breasts anyway). Again, it seems to be an excuse for musicians to raise their profile by making it look like they “care”. Aww, how sweet.
5. Coldplay. Enough said.

Their heart is in the right place, but so what? There are a million better ways to spend the money that these concerts are going to cost, and without the creation of ridiculous amounts of carbon emissions. Taping Andrew Bolt’s mouth shut, for instance. His mouth is one major contributor of carbon emissions in Australia.

Channel 7 have replaced Channel 9, not only in the ratings, but in pro-Liberal bias in their news reporting.

Consider this morning’s 10:30 news.

Channel 7 devoted about a minute to Kevin Rudd’s budget reply, promptly followed by a surprise interview with John Howard, in which he spent 3-4 minutes continually blasting Rudd and the ALP with a succession of empty comments. The newsreader (not bothering to contain her smirk) helped by asking our beloved PM hard-hitting questions along the lines of “Your campaign appears to have the momentum of a runaway freight train, why are you so popular?”.

This kind of journalism makes my stomach churn.

In other budget news, Kevin Rudd’s reply actually had more viewers than Costello’s budget announcement. No mention of this on the usual suspects.

Why am I not surprised?

He loves him thiiiiiiiiiis much. I know this because I am compiling a new section here on GrodsCorp, which you will find under the world famous GrodsCorp righty groupthink tracker, which may or may not be the reason for the huge decrease in righty groupthink. 2 each in 10 days? It’s working.

Anyhoo, my section is called “Bolta loves Kruddy“, and I keep track on how many posts Bolt writes about Kevin Rudd.

I’ll give you a hint – it’s a lot, and as the election approaches, I predict the posts will multiply and grow more deranged as Bolt fights to keep Rudd out of power in any way he can.

GrodsCorp has been following the sorry story of Andrew “Sex Machine” Bolt for a while now. After years of bravely rallying against that liar, Tim Flannery, who isn’t even a climate expert like himself, Bolt must have been completely crushed when Tim was voted Australian of The Year over a far more deserving candidate – himself.

Many of us still remember his bizarre rants containing mostly out-of-context quotes that tried (and failed) to discredit Flannery.

Quite frankly, I thought Flannery was an excellent choice, if a little political in an election year. To balance it out next year, we might need someone a little riskier…

The AOTY website states that the AOTY Award is given to:

…leading citizens who are role models for us all. They inspire us through their achievements and challenge us to make our own contribution to creating a better Australia.

Who exemplifies this more than Andrew Bolt? He’s a role model, and he inspires and challenges us all (or so he thinks). He inspired me to write this post.

Unfortunately, there is one hurdle he must overcome:

Self nominations will not be accepted.

Obviously no-one else is going to nominate him, so I am going to take it upon myself to do just that. Join me, Australian, in nominating Andrew Bolt for Australian of The Year! Give the man what he truly wants (and some may argue, deserves).

To nominate Bolt, simply follow these instructions:

1. Pick up a nomination form from your local Commonwealth Bank branch, Holiday Inn or National Seniors Association, or nominate online.

2. Complete the nomination form by supplying all the relevant information including both your nominees contact details and your own. Don’t forget to outline why you think your nominee should be named Australian of the Year, Senior Australian of the Year, Young Australian of the Year or Australia’s Local Hero.

3. Send your nomination form and any supporting material for your nomination to:

The Awards team
Old Parliament House Canberra
King George Terrace
Parkes ACT 2600

Supporting material may include personal references, portfolios, newspaper articles and resumes. Supporting material will strengthen your nomination and give the selection committees a clearer idea about why you believe your nominee should receive an award.

GrodsCorp sincerely wishes Andrew Bolt all the best, and hopes that come next Australian Day, Bolt will be standing upon the platform shaking Prime Minister Kevin Rudd’s hand.

GrodsCorp also trust that his many righty friends back up this deserving nomination. To do otherwise is equal to not supporting the war – grossly un-Australian.

Hello, I’m John Surname from the highly unpopular Random Brainwave. The Editor invited me to write for this site, and how could I resist?

To begin, I’d like to tell you something.

I’m a lefty.

No, don’t recoil in horror. I am wearing pants. I do not have dreadlocks.

The most surprising part about being on the left is the realisation that people on the right know more about your views than you do:

From A Wanker’s Habitat:

It was a matter of time before the threatened Left sat down and started thinking up ways to muzzle the free blogosphere. The rule of the elite minority attempts to silence the voice of the people yet again.

That’s too rational and intelligent for me to touch.

Then I realised something shocking – she’s right. I’m all about stifling free speech. So, for the first time I intend to outline the truths of the Left, which will come as no surprise to those brave, free-thinking rebels on the right who still deny global warming – what do scientists know anyway?

1. Free speech

We hate free speech. Personally, I really hate it when people disagree with me. The only thing that takes my mind off it is polishing my framed picture of David Hicks. So, we did something really clever here. We encouraged terrorism so that the governments of the world would introduce laws that stifle freedoms – so we don’t have to introduce these laws ourselves! This was a brilliant manouvere. It doesn’t matter that “the people” want to end the war, and that “the people” want the government to do something about global warming. We intend to stifle everyone, even those who agree with us. But especially those who don’t.

2. Multiculturalism

We embrace multiculturalism – why? So that the pure blood of anglo-saxons mixes with the impure blood of everyone else. That way we become one big brown race that loses it’s perfect white values, and adopts uncivillised “African” values. The left wants this, as it’s another way of controling the minds of everyone. Hey, I’m half New Guinean and look at me! It’s not possible to be only half Anglo AND conservative. Try it!

3. Global Warming

Andrew Bolt and his enlightened followers are right. Global Warming is one big religious scam. GrodsCorp personally payed off each and every one of the 2500 scientists of the ICPP report. Why? So that we can destroy the economies of the world’s top countries and plunge the entire planet into the darkness of evil socialism. Hooray!

4. Groupthink

Groupthink is wonderful. It means we don’t have to think for ourselves. We hate that. Instead, we let some socialist/hippie from Warrandyte choose our views for us. The best thing about engaging in groupthink is that you make lots of friends, and everyone likes you. Except Andrew Bolt, and wasn’t he an ex-leftie groupthinker anyway? Maybe that’s why he’s so bitter about the left. Or maybe it’s simply because he went forward in time and read this post.

5. We hate America

Everyone on the left hates America, without question. We all want to bring down Uncle Sam – why? Because….um….America makes us SO MAD!!! They’re like….RICH and we’re, like, not. Or whatever. I’ve got the munchies, I’m going to McDonald’s.

6. We love terrorism

We love religious extremeists pointlessly killing innocent people because they hate America, and we hate America, so by default, we love extremeists!

7. We’re cowards

Yeah, we’re cowards. We don’t oppose war because we are inherently opposed to the idea of senselessly fighting other people’s battles, or looking for fantasy weapons. We’re opposed to war because we’re yellow-bellied and don’t want to be killed in some god-forsaken desert. We might get sand in our weed!

Sure, there is a lot more I could say, but what I have written basically sums up the views of the hateful left. Now that you all know the truth, use it wisely. Even better, join us. You can’t beat us. At least be on the winning team for a change.

Andrew Bolt yesterday returned to his high horse from a well-earned two week break down on Earth and his online forum immediately sprang into action as a breeding ground for the most entertaining exchanges on the net. Bolta just doesn't get it. People (like The Editor) send him messages carefully designed to elicit an amusing and predictable reaction and Andy, like a well-trained hamster, kindly responds every time. Check out yesterday's first exchange:

From: Penelope Wooley
Comment: What a wanker!! You're way up there with Alexander Downer. No wonder there are wars and invasions with stirrers and no brainers like you around. Thank the Lord for The Age, ABC and SBS. Compassion mate – that's what's needed.

Andrew replies: Gee, that's a nice welcome back after two weeks of hate-less holidays. Do you think your posting had all the compassion you demand from others, Penelope?

UPDATE: Speaking of pushing buttons, The Editor has just fired off this carefully crafted message to the Bolt forum in search of reaction. Let's see how we go:

From: GrodsCorp Editor
Comment: “Hate-less holidays,” Andrew? You must be referring to two weeks not having to write your hate filled column.