Congrats to our resident gun-toting loony KG, who today entered the blogging record books for the world’s shortest retirement. Yesterday at 7.33pm the world was a burden on KG’s mighty shoulders as he solemnly announced that Crusader Ratbag would be ‘closing down’:

There are other things to do, other ways to spend my free time. A man’s days are limited and precious and a beloved wife deserves more than the time left over from blogging and cruising the net.

As predicted, the forces of restorative stupidity (ie. MK and his tender touch) went to work, assuaging KG’s petulant temper and/or massaging his bruised ego, and by 8.15am the next day normal transmission had resumed as he declared:

I’ve been talking to MK and to Gecko and the upshot is that I’ll keep going with CR and make more of an effort to stop moaning and get working harder. The knight is not yet unhorsed!

Total downtime: 12 hours and 42 minutes. We’ll all sleep more peacefully tonight, knowing he’s back on watch.

Just in case you think MK might have something reasonable to say, he gives us this:

“Pedophiles especially, the way i see it, you have to rape around 2000+ children and constantly promise to do it again and again and insist you’ll do it to the sentencing judge’s child before they’ll lock you away for life. Heaven forbid they get sentenced to death, i think the leftwing intelligentsia would revolt and start a civil war to save the pedophile.”

Awesome.

In other news, I’m starting a book on how long it will take KG to shoot up a shopping centre. Leave entries in comments. I reckon it will be before Brendan Nelson gets ousted as opposition leader.

I don’t usually read the Herald Sun, but if it’s all that is on offer, like Sunday, I’ll give it a go.

And wasn’t I delighted to read bogan Kate Hands’ pre-conceived take on the 2020 Summit.

“I’ll blog about that” I thought, but the cunning Bridgit beat me to it. So let me take you back in time to see where it all began…

Please note: If you are offended by elitism, don’t read on. Please.

WHEN Kate Hands rang husband Warren to say she had been chosen by the Herald Sun to attend Kevin Rudd’s 2020 Summit, the plumber’s response was a bellow of delight down the phone.

“You little beauty, what a ripper,” he yelled.

Little known fact - he was actually cheering his flatulence.

There was also excitement among work colleagues, who had always ribbed her over her strong opinions about life in the mortgage belt — from high interest rates and poor childcare and education infrastructure, to a lack of public transport and a shortage of facilities for teenagers.

I assume she supports high interest rates, poor childcare and lack of public transport. Good for her.

“I wanted to make sure the views of working people and middle class Australia were heard,” Kate said.

Middle class?

If you say so.

And I lurve the mention of working people, cos, you know, that’s 96% of the population.

And from the Star News Group comes this:

Mrs Hands, 27, believed the Herald Sun editors chose her out of a field of several thousands of willing readers because she’s middle class and has an upfront personality.

There’s that middle class phrase again.

“I think that I’ve got a lot of insight and opinions on quite a few subject matters and that I’m confident and I’m honest,” she said.

I’m simply dying to hear your insight.

“What I went forward with is that I think I represent your average middle class Victoria- I think that’s what they were looking for.”

“What I went forward with this”?

What?

Need I say more?

I’m afraid I’ve always thought the worst of Kevin Rudd’s chat-fest. Too brief, crowded and unstructured, the 2020 Summit is to policy development what 2020 cricket games are to Test matches. Perhaps a series of rolling summits on the ten focii - with a more formalised structure and a clear communique for each issue - would have been more productive. And involving a more rigorous selection process too, since the claim that the summit would involve “Australia’s brightest 1000 minds” has turned out to be something of a farce.

Take Kate ‘I’ve-got-an-opinion-on-everything’ Hands, a suburban mum from Melbourne chosen as a delegate for “middle-class Victoria” by the Herald Sun. There’s no evidence that Kate has any more experience or expertise in the ten focus topics than anyone else; she was just the winner of a bizarre lottery. Unsurprisingly, her idealism was dented and she thought the summit was a bummer:

Kate Hands, picked out by the Herald Sun to represent ordinary Victorians, said she felt she had to be in the Kevin Rudd cheer squad if she wanted to be heard.

Sounds like poor Kate couldn’t get a word in. Which is generally what happens when you lack confidence, experience in articulating your opinions and the ability to hold the attention of large groups. Or maybe she just didn’t hold her hand up high enough.

“So far it’s a lot of pretty words for what we would like to happen in 12 years, but there’s nothing really concrete,” she said.

Maybe Kate expected to be seconded onto a policy committee or to be drafting legislation. Policy brainstorming is bound to be abstract, unformed and speculative.

Ms Hands said she was disheartened at lunchtime, wondering if her trip to Canberra was worthwhile.

Maybe Kate didn’t like the sandwiches. Mind you, at least she now knows how the current shadow ministry feels.

Most of the suggestions were obvious and had already been done in the past, she said. “Things like preventative health and early childhood education, it was just repeat, repeat, repeat.”

Well most suggestions in a brainstorming session are obvious: the objective is to identify and consider one or two that aren’t. Sounds like Kate might have switched off when ideas, approaches and jargon were being bandied about. Meanwhile, James Houston - another delegate from Victoria, ’specialising’ in rural communities - got similarly frustrated that he wasn’t given a gilt-edged soapbox:

As [Sky News presenter David] Speers was preparing to introduce four panelists for the sessions, including government minister Tanya Plibersek, he noticed Mr Houston on stage.

“James, I’m afraid you’re not one of those guests this morning,” Mr Speers said. I’m sorry James, maybe we can have a chat later on.” Mr Houston initially refused to leave the stage. The lights dimmed and Mr Speers could be heard saying: “We’re about to get underway with this … so if you wouldn’t mind just leaving the stage for a bit?”

Mr Houston eventually left the stage, but returned while the panel discussion was underway, sitting on the side of the stage while sipping a coffee.

Well, at least he got coffee.

Not only did I weep on the train this morning on my way to work, I also wept on the train on my way home.

MX, that highly regarded and informative, hard-hitting free newspaper distributed to commuters every afternoon from about 3.30pm onwards (in Sydney, at least), was thrust into my unwilling hands as I rushed into the train station. After a bitch fight pushing heavily pregnant women and geriatric men with Zimmer frames out of the way to grab the last seat, I settled back for a good read.

One of my favourite parts — or not so favourite, I can’t really decide — is the letters page, especially the little section called “Here’s looking at you”, where people leave messages for other people they’ve seen on a train or bus that they fancy, or simply want to root.

For example,

The stunner with the purple bag and black-rim glasses who gets on at Sutherland at 7.29am, you brighten my day.

– James, Wollongong.

While that’s a little sappy, it’s reflective of the usual shout-outs that get printed. However, every once in a while, a really, really, really terrible one gets printed, and so it was today when I read the following and wept because of its sheer awfulness:

The girl in the brown leather jacket on the 6.30 Waterfall train. If you were a McDonald’s burger, you’d be a McGorgeous.

– Tristan, Cronulla.

The subjects of a Hun story… not Hun commenters

You can tell as much as you need to know about the Herald Sun from the online commenting habits of its readers. One day someone will write a thesis or commission a study on it but from general observation, any story involving politics, international issues, poverty, global warming, etc. struggles to reach double figures in comments … but mention Wayne Carey, Shane Warne, any other current or ex-sportsperson, sex, death, sharks, stingrays, mortgages, petrol prices… and whooooosh! the posts they come like a stream-of-consciousness torrent. And something like an unholy incest yarn - weird sex and all that - attracts 42 boganisms and rising in about three hours, ranging from ‘SICK! DISGUSTING!’ tub-thumping to the thinly veiled gags:

All this story needs is Banjo music in the background!!
Posted by: A. Thompson of Melbourne

it was chad morgan who pend and sung the song “im my own grandpa” talk about life imitating art!
Posted by: dimitri of mildura

First a pregnant man now this?! Celeste ay? She will probably be called Cest for short.
Posted by: Steve of Wagga NSW

further evidence that south australia truly are better off for not having any convict settlement…
Posted by: John of Ball

I think it’s fantastic. People should leave them alone - they obviously found true happiness despite the obstacles. Alana - how can you talk? You’re from Narre Warren of all places - you must see this kind of thing everywhere.
Posted by: johnny of Melbourne

All the Hun needs now is for Wayne Carey to commit incest with a stingray while urinating on the windows of Crown Casino and their commenting system may implode.

There was only one Charlton Heston flick worth watching, a dark visionary tale about a future-Earth where society has gone horribly wrong…

“Those maniacs! They did it! They finally did it!”

Well now they are. So hand over the rifle, Moses.

UPDATE

Some manner of ungodly cross-pollination at the Herald Sun’s comments page for the passing of old Charlton:

take his face off the page am sick of seeing his smug face.
Posted by: roy cooper of cauilfield 7:17pm

Please don’t. He nearly ripped the club in half because he couldn’t keep it in his pants. I’d hate to think what kind of an example he’d be setting to the up and coming young players if he returned to the club.
Posted by: Kangaroo Fan of Arden St 10:12pm

We’ve all got an embarrassing relative tucked away somewhere, usually in Queensland. Someone you never visit, speak to or speak about … and even mention of them makes you cringe and wince. For me, it’s a distant cousin with no neck who is now safely tucked away in rural north-east Victoria. His claim to fame was three years in ‘Nam (i.e. Pakenham) where he was arrested five times, usually for petty theft and public drunkenness. His coup de grace was stealing and torching a car, only to discover it belonged to an off-duty police sergeant. He now lives on a small farm near Myrtleford, his de facto wife has a job at the local supermarket while he has a job on the sofa. (As far as I know they don’t have the Internet, or the irony would be complete.)

Rest assured that if I’m ever famous and/or in trouble, the Herald Sun would rush up to interview said distant cousin, as they did with Kevin Carey, father of Wayne. Big Kev’s got an opinion on everything, including Wayne the footballer:

“He was the best. He’s still the best, but he’s just an idiot.”

…the causes of Wayne’s problems:

“It’s the piss and his dick”

…Wayne’s girlfriend:

“She’s . . . bad news”

…the criminal offence that landed Big Kev himself in prison, for:

“Belting up some c—”

…and his ex-wife, who alleged that their relationship was violent:

“She was a f—ing liar. She will go out and say I’m a wife-basher”.

Classy journalism, digging deep to get to the bottom of this story of global interest.

I’m allowed to make fun of goons (wine casks) because their other name — Dapto briefcases — refers to the suburb of Wollongong from whence I originally hail. And I’m allowed to make fun of Brisbane because that’s where I spent my high school years after moving from Dapto. With those facts in mind I present to you (courtesy of Damain in comments) what is possibly the news story of the year with the headline of the century.

THUGS USE GOON BAG TO BASH GOTHS

Two men have faced court over a violent assault which saw a group of goths bashed with a goon bag.

Luke Anthony Harrison, 21, and Mereki Ian Pryor, 19, were each sentenced to jail for the attack, which left five members of Brisbane’s gothic community nursing cuts and bruises.

The District Court today heard Harrison and Pryor had been drinking goon - or cask wine - in a park at the corner of Wickham Terrace and Ann Street in Fortitude Valley about 10.30pm on July 30, 2005 when the group walked past.

After shouting insults such as “freaks” and “faggots”, Pryor approached the three women and two men, aged between 19 and 24, asked them if they wanted to fight and began throwing punches and kicks.

Harrison, carrying the bag of goon, also became involved, using it to take a swing at one of the women, knocking her glasses off her face. Another woman was also hit.

Crown prosecutor Chris Minnery said one of the group managed to grab the cask.

“F*** off or I’ll break the goon,” she said while threatening to stomp on the bag.

The attack stopped when the group managed to flee to safety at the nearby Orient Hotel. None were seriously injured.

Pryor’s defence barrister, Megan Robbins, put her client’s behaviour down to alcohol abuse, telling the court that at the time he was drinking up to three litres of cask wine a day.

“His judgement was obviously impaired to a significant degree,” Ms Robbins explained, prompting Judge Julie Dick to fire back: “His liver can’t have been too good either.”

“This is public violence on a group of people who were just going about their business,” the judge told the pair, who both pleaded guilty to charges of assault occasioning bodily harm in company.

“They are entitled to dress and look how they like as long as they don’t interfere with the rest of the community.”

Pryor, who is already serving a three-and-a-half year prison term for unrelated offences, had an extra six months added to his sentence, but will be eligible to apply for parole today.

Harrison received a 12 month term and was released immediately on parole after Judge Dick accepted he had played a lesser role in the assault.

Judge Dick. Brilliant!

Tim Blair’s winged monkeys commenters not group-thinking:

As Ant mentioned yesterday we last night went along to the Asian Champions League match between Melbourne Victory and the Korean Chunnam Dragons. (2-0 to Victory!)

Along with Craig and Goobermetrics we enjoyed sitting in front of the unofficial Victory coaching team who shared their drunken wisdom about the poor management choices of official Victory coach Ernie Merrick with all those sitting in the vicinity. One of their biggest targets was Victory striker Danny Allsopp, who they creatively called Danny Allflop. Ant and I nearly sprayed our beer over the people in front of us when one of the drunken bogans angrily cried, “jump up, Allflop! Get up there! You’re taller than everyone else on the field put together!”

You can thank a leftist teacher for that, I suppose.

In this episode The Editor, John Surname, Billybob, and Craig discuss the following:

* “Sorry”
* Brendan Nelson
* Warren Truss
* Andrew Bolt
* Education
* Bogans
* Ray Martin
* John Howard
* Russell Crowe
* Chris Johnston
* Scientology

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 GrodsCast 3 [33:22m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Slapfight I: remembered fondly

Exactly one year ago Melbourne witnessed Slapfight I at the Australian Open. This year at Slapfight II: The Sequel the slapfighters have turned it up a little and employed the feared ‘kicking’ and ‘flagpole weapon’ techniques.

Crowd trouble marred the Australian Open again - exactly one year after Croatian and Serbian fans kicked each other and used flag poles as weapons outside Melbourne Park in an ugly start to the 2007 tournament.

Police needed pepper spray to control rowdy fans watching the match between Chile’s 2007 Open runner-up Fernando Gonzales and Greek player Konstantinos Economidis in Margaret Court Arena.

About two dozen Greek, Cypriot and Serbian fans were involved, according to an AFP photographer at the scene, with early reports of police ejecting four spectators.

Next year at Slapfight III there might even be punching; head butts at Slapfight IV the year after.

The intertubes have lit up in response to the whole Corey Delaney saga. There’s an official website, a video advertising his new party planning services, and then there’s this guy.

YouTube video producer “turtalfishpaul” doesn’t just provide erudite and insightful commentary on current events, he also eats pizza on camera… in reverse.

And sings duets with himself.

The interweb is an amazing place.