I was surprised to find this whilst browsing the shelves at my local bookshop this afternoon:

If SBS ever make a biopic about the failed political career of Dr. Brendan Nelson, it would be called Terms Of Contradiction and it would be directed by the guy who directed Lift Off. I’m sure he needs the work.

Pensioners need an increase to the pension. Of this, there is no doubt. Brendan Nelson is calling for an extra $30 a week. Again, that would be a good start.

But did you know there are one million pensioners? That’s an extra $30 million a week, or a projected $1.3 billion a year. Suddenly, it’s not looking so easy. Where is that money supposed to come from?

Then Nelson (with the help of his party, and other undistinguished amateurs) had to go and oppose the luxury car tax, thereby stopping money from coming in that could have gone to the pensioners in need.

I see Brendan Nelson is a beginner to this whole socialism thing.

You see:

1. Taxes fund services.

2. Less tax = less services.
I’ve noted before the contradiction of the Liberals over pensioners, which is similar to that of farmers. Socialism is bad and wrong except when it comes to those two groups.

Brendan, I know you were a member of the Labor party for years but maybe it’s time to remember what party you’re on. I mean, if those old folk didn’t save enough superannuation, let them rot.

The word Bertrand contains the letters R, E, T, A, R and D.

I’ll be damned.

When I was on holidays recently, I went out to dinner to some restaurant in the middle of Byron Bay. I have no recollection of what the restaurant was called or what I ate, because, you know, it’s Byron Bay… Far North Coast of NSW. Near Nimbin. Age of Aquarius. Hippy land. Geddit?

So, this morning on the train to work, having forgotten to bring a book to read again and having the seat to myself, I had nothing to read, not even other people’s books or newspapers or notes. I figured I might as well browse through my photo gallery on my mobile phone. It was with some surprise that I discovered a photo I’d taken of some graffiti on the wall in the dunny of the aforementioned Byron Bay restaurant (the more I stared at this photo, the more certain, ahh, events came back to me). Obviously it made such an impression (read: made me giggle like mad) that I had to take a photo of it to remind myself later on.

It said:

Here I sit,

Broken hearted.

Tried to shit

But only farted.

Tell me there’s no way you would have not laughed had you seen that in Byron Bay.

UPDATE: Apparently this is an oldie. Can I just say that it’s not old to me, because I’ve never heard it before. So, it’s a new one. OK? Good.

From Tim Blair’s electrifying popular* Daily Telegraph blog:

After his promising opening, Obama entered prediction mode:

I have no doubts that all across the country, from Florida to Oregon, from Washington to Maine, the people will rise up in November, and John Kerry will be sworn in as president, and John Edwards will be sworn in as vice president, and this country will reclaim its promise, and out of this long political darkness a brighter day will come.

That worked out well.

For once, he’s right. It worked out equally as well as these marvellous predictions Tim made in 2002/2003:

John Hawkins: If and when do you see the United States hitting Iraq? How do you think it’ll work out?

Tim Blair: It all depends on Iraq’s fearsome Elite Republican Guard. Why, those feisty desert warriors could hold out for minutes. Dozens of US troops will be required. Perhaps they’ll even need their weapons.

Don’t know when, of course. Wouldn’t expect it to last long once it happens.

John Hawkins: Here’s a theoretical question. After the United States topples Saddam Hussein, do you think we’ll hit Iran next if their government hasn’t already toppled by then?

Tim Blair: Hopeful answer: Iran implodes out of fright, and no attacks are needed. It could happen. They’ll have a great view of Saddam’s demise, after all.

That worked out well.

*Some of the comment threads now go into double figures!

So long, my friend. We had a lot of good times together.

Helloooooooo sailor.

If it wasn’t for someone called Nicole Austin, no-one would read AWH.

Why am I not surprised?

Hello, I’m John Surname from the highly unpopular Random Brainwave. The Editor invited me to write for this site, and how could I resist?

To begin, I’d like to tell you something.

I’m a lefty.

No, don’t recoil in horror. I am wearing pants. I do not have dreadlocks.

The most surprising part about being on the left is the realisation that people on the right know more about your views than you do:

From A Wanker’s Habitat:

It was a matter of time before the threatened Left sat down and started thinking up ways to muzzle the free blogosphere. The rule of the elite minority attempts to silence the voice of the people yet again.

That’s too rational and intelligent for me to touch.

Then I realised something shocking - she’s right. I’m all about stifling free speech. So, for the first time I intend to outline the truths of the Left, which will come as no surprise to those brave, free-thinking rebels on the right who still deny global warming - what do scientists know anyway?

1. Free speech

We hate free speech. Personally, I really hate it when people disagree with me. The only thing that takes my mind off it is polishing my framed picture of David Hicks. So, we did something really clever here. We encouraged terrorism so that the governments of the world would introduce laws that stifle freedoms - so we don’t have to introduce these laws ourselves! This was a brilliant manouvere. It doesn’t matter that “the people” want to end the war, and that “the people” want the government to do something about global warming. We intend to stifle everyone, even those who agree with us. But especially those who don’t.

2. Multiculturalism

We embrace multiculturalism - why? So that the pure blood of anglo-saxons mixes with the impure blood of everyone else. That way we become one big brown race that loses it’s perfect white values, and adopts uncivillised “African” values. The left wants this, as it’s another way of controling the minds of everyone. Hey, I’m half New Guinean and look at me! It’s not possible to be only half Anglo AND conservative. Try it!

3. Global Warming

Andrew Bolt and his enlightened followers are right. Global Warming is one big religious scam. GrodsCorp personally payed off each and every one of the 2500 scientists of the ICPP report. Why? So that we can destroy the economies of the world’s top countries and plunge the entire planet into the darkness of evil socialism. Hooray!

4. Groupthink

Groupthink is wonderful. It means we don’t have to think for ourselves. We hate that. Instead, we let some socialist/hippie from Warrandyte choose our views for us. The best thing about engaging in groupthink is that you make lots of friends, and everyone likes you. Except Andrew Bolt, and wasn’t he an ex-leftie groupthinker anyway? Maybe that’s why he’s so bitter about the left. Or maybe it’s simply because he went forward in time and read this post.

5. We hate America

Everyone on the left hates America, without question. We all want to bring down Uncle Sam - why? Because….um….America makes us SO MAD!!! They’re like….RICH and we’re, like, not. Or whatever. I’ve got the munchies, I’m going to McDonald’s.

6. We love terrorism

We love religious extremeists pointlessly killing innocent people because they hate America, and we hate America, so by default, we love extremeists!

7. We’re cowards

Yeah, we’re cowards. We don’t oppose war because we are inherently opposed to the idea of senselessly fighting other people’s battles, or looking for fantasy weapons. We’re opposed to war because we’re yellow-bellied and don’t want to be killed in some god-forsaken desert. We might get sand in our weed!

Sure, there is a lot more I could say, but what I have written basically sums up the views of the hateful left. Now that you all know the truth, use it wisely. Even better, join us. You can’t beat us. At least be on the winning team for a change.