The Editor notes: Just like John West is best because of what it rejects, GrodsCorp is lowest in brow because of what other blogs reject. Welcome to Bruce for this special guest post.
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Owing to the fact that I don’t want to denigrate either my own blog nor the discussion list from whence this material came, I’m handing this one off to Grods and I won’t cite those responsible for its inception.

If you want to impute me personally, go ahead; smear me with guilt through association with this Grods lot, just don’t smear me with feces.

Apparently the UK’s Department of Government Commerce (a branch of the UK Treasury) was considering a particular revamp of their logo. Unfortunately, they’ve had to change their plans due to what I think is a disclosure of sorts. A bit like a Freudian slip.

I’ve said for a long time now that accountants use their personalities as a contraceptive and we all know that “Merchant Banker” is only one letter from “Merchant Wanker”. They are a pervy but lonesome lot.

Now we have the proof…

Exhibit A - The logo in question

Exhibit B - Rotate the logo 90 degrees

Exhibit C - Wait a sec for the happy ending

I’m guessing the Fleshlight edition wasn’t kinky enough for them.

Are ING trying to make their emails look like spam?

Or are they branching out to offer a range of non-financial products?

Frenzal Rhomb guitarist Lindsay McDougall has been shafted by the Australian music industry association, who told him it was recording his interview for one reason and then used it for another. Here’s McDougall on the industry’s lame attempt to shame kids into not downloading music by suggesting that they’re ripping off artists rather than actually cutting into the bloated profits of the record companies who rip off artists.

I think it’s bullshit, I think it’s record companies crying poor and I don’t agree with it… you don’t make money from the record, the record companies make the money from the record. If they can’t make money these days because they haven’t come onside with the way the world is going, it’s their own problem.

Pwned.

And here’s “artist” and “musician” Anthony Callea’s manager throwing his support behind the campaign to stop something that will never, ever have any impact on Callea’s sale(s).

This video is a unique view on the changing nature of our industry. It’s tremendous to see artists given the opportunity to provide a balanced first hand account of the music business as they see it.

The Editor, John Surname, Ant Rogenous, Jeremy Sear, The Happy Revolutionary and Craig discuss:

* Sin tax
* Whingeing musicians
* Chair sniffing
* Wilson Tuckey vs. Bill Heffernan in the GrodsThink naked cagefight

** Because of the pernicious lack of Brendan Nelson bashing in this episode use only the “Play in popup” link or the “Download” link. **

 

 GrodsThink 14 (29 April 2008) [32:38m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

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Remember Fairfax’s plans for a totally gnarly website (codenamed Kwerky) aimed at “free-spending hedonists desperate to have their say”? Well it’s here and it’s even worse than I thought.

What those groundbreaking and envelope-pushing folk at Fairfax have done with The Vine is simply take the website template used for The Age and the SMH, change the background image, remove the political stories and replace them with more advertising masquerading as content.

“How is this going to attract those hedonists?” I hear you ask. Well, the uberfunky writers at The Vine say crazy and zany things like “Adelaide: so much more than murder and churches.” Oooooh, dark satire, mang!

And what’s a mainstream media outlet’s attempt at Web2.0 without a Web1.3 outcome? The Vine’s interactive interface starts and ends with a chance for readers to comment and some news stories presented as “blogs” (even though they’re clearly not blogs.)

Basically the whole site stinks of try-hard and pathetic. It’s a poorly built and conceived attempt to attract younger people to existing Fairfax advertising using pissweak graphic design and by paying lip service to social networking. It will decompose faster than a turd in the hot summer sun.

(Thanks to Damian for discovering the rebranded Kwerky that I’d spent weeks looking for.)

I had quite an exciting time on the train this morning, on my way to work. It was also God-sent, because I’d left my book at home.

When I squeezed in next to the natty looking gent on the train, I accidentally sat on the corner of his suit jacket, and he got a little huffy about that. I mumbled something that I wished sounded like “You’re a fucking idiot, you know?”, but it sounded more like “sorry”.

As you can tell, I’m a wonderful person to be with in the mornings.

So, there I am, sitting on the train, wondering why my book wasn’t in my bag, when the dude next to me caught my attention again by looking like he was rehearsing for a speech. He had a notepad on his lap, his mouth was moving silently, and his hands making little movements as if he was talking to an audience. Aha! I thought. What’s he rehearsing for? Is he nervous? I hope he is, I thought meanly, because he didn’t move the corner of his jacket off the seat before I sat down.

I should point out that I am by nature a curious (some might say nosey) person about other people. Particularly if I don’t have anything to read on the train. I like to wonder about people around me – who are they, where are they going, how do they feel, do they make more money than me, did they get lucky last night? That sort of thing.

So, with my curiosity piqued, I had to take a quick surreptitious look at his notepad to see what he was obviously memorising and practising. First point went something like this:

1. If we have to do it, we have to do it.

Cor blimey, I thought, that’s deep. And easy enough to remember. But do what? I sneak another look.

2. Compliance/asic – asic have axe to grind. Give them an inch and they will take a mile.

Oooh, he’s clearly talking about ASIC – Australian Securities and Investments Commission, the body responsible for “ensuring that Australia’s financial markets are fair and transparent, supported by confident and informed investors and consumers.”

And with whom does ASIC have an axe to grind? Oh! This is better than the book that’s not in my bag! Am I sitting next to a white-collar crim?! I glance oh-so-casually out the window past his profile, pretending to figure out where we are, and EEEK! It’s Gordon Gekko! Corporate raider! Slicked back hair, smooth freshly shaven skin… well, actually, that’s as far as the similarities go. Oh, and natty suit, which, I remind you, I partially sat on.

3. Telephone bugging – sound “different” – monitoring.

By now, I’m mentally writing a TV script that will rival Underbelly. Spies skulking around the corridors of power, money and high-fliers. Bugs inserted into board room meetings full of white men in natty suits wearing expensive gold, monogrammed cufflinks. Richly decorated offices with expansive harbour views being fumigated by smells from Boss, Drakkar Noir and Old Spice. Golden-haired secretaries wearing crisp white shirts and sharp black skirts and long tanned legs, complete with peek-a-boo red lingerie underneath.

Settle, boys. Girls, too.

4. Not all markets are doing this. Golden opportunity…

What? What was that? Not doing what? Why is it underlined? I twist my head blatantly to read it but I didn’t get a chance — Mr Gekko had flipped his notepad shut and we were rolling into Martin Place Station, and he pushed past me, even though I was also getting off at the same station. I just hadn’t budged yet because I was so engrossed with trying to read his small but legible writing, and there were another 5 or 6 points to still read.

I nearly cried. I nearly followed him, but he moved way too fast, fast like a man on a mission to steal millions of dollars.

I turned up to work, feeling robbed, not of millions of dollars, but of having my spying skills cut short.

It’s your turn, dear GrodsReaders. What do you think his notes were about? What and who was he memorising his notes for? What were they going to do? Is it legal? Why is ASIC attempting to take a mile off them?

Also, may I remind you to be careful if you’re on public transport; you never know, I could be sitting next to you.

Either the label-adhering machine at the Patak’s factory is on the blink, or “love” is literally the ingredient that makes the company’s range of curries so special. 

In the comments thread that just won’t die Krypto suggested that readers look up “angry pirate” in the Urban Dictionary. So I did and not only did I laugh at the definition but I just had to laugh at the unfortunate ad placement.

I bet the board of Unilever (company that owns the “Cornetto” brand) would have no problems with their product appearing to endorse such an act.

Like a middle-aged man in a grey suit dressing in backward baseball cap and Converse sneakers, Fairfax is launching a totally radical website aimed at yoof aged 18-29.

Fairfax Digital is putting the finishing touches to the website, codenamed Kwerky, aimed at free-spending hedonists desperate to have their say.

To be launched within weeks, the website means to tap into a market Fairfax believes has been overlooked by social networking websites such as MySpace and Facebook which have focused solely on allowing users to create the content.

Kwerky will publish off-beat news stories, reviews and opinion on music, sport, fashion and entertainment but allow users to review the reviewers.

Awesome. Fairfax is going to re-publish wire stories about odd-spot events around the world along with brainless reviews about stuff that they think is fringe but will invariably be totally mainstream. Not even the, like, totally awesome name will cover for the crapness of the content. And review the reviewers? I can just see the Fairfax comment moderation team letting through a comment that says “this shit s fkn lame yr all a grp of cnts.”

But Fairfax has really done their research and they have buzzwords galore to describe what they’re trying to do.

Youth product manager Cinnamon Pollard…

Sorry to interrupt, but Cinnamon! Surely somebody’s taking the piss. Anyway, let’s continue.

…told staff its research had found that “identity seekers” - a segment of the 3.2 million 18-29 year olds - wanted their voices to be heard.

“They want to rate, vote and have their say. They want to gain recognition among their peers. Whatever we do we need to facilitate that,” she said.

Because “identity seeking” yoof are really going to seek their identity at a pathetic and try-hard mainstream media site. Say what you like about the illiterate, nihilist yoof of generation Z but they can smell bullshit a hundred kilometres away and this thing is going to stink like little else ever seen on the Australian intertubes.

But do you want to know the main reason I think “Kwerky” will go down like a balloon full of bullshit?

Classified ads for cars, property and jobs from Fairfax’s other websites will be run.

I’d kill to have been a fly on the wall of the board meetings where this arse of an idea was tossed around.

In this episode The Editor, John Surname, Ant Rogenous, Jeremy Sear and Craig discuss the following:

* The Liberal Party
* Four Corners
* Brenden Nelson
* Kevin Rudd
* WorkChoices
* Bank ads
* Right Wing Death Beasts
* Gun nuts

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 GrodsCast 4 [29:29m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Since revealing Lachlan Connor’s accidental audition success on GrodsCorp last week the story has been picked up by Big Brother fan site Behind Big Brother…

Bloggers at GrodsCorp managed to get a fictional persona right through to the group interview stage of Big Brother auditions this year.

“Lachlan Conner” is a dorky traffic surveyor and failed senate candidate featured in an internet video mockumentary made by the site. When GrodsCorp wrapped up the series they decided Lachlan might as well have a shot at reality TV stardom.

Big Brother producers must have found Lachlan more interesting than the real applicants on the site because he was soon sent the audition questionnaire… even though his video only received 2 votes.

GrodsCorp filled out the questionnaire with semi-bogus answers but when Lachlan was invited to a group interview his audition journey sadly had to come to an end… the character doesn’t have a drivers license with his name on it.

In an indication of how average the other real contestants must be Lachlan was chased by Big Brother producers with at least a dozen follow up calls and a few emails. You can read more about Lachlan’s story including his questionnaire answers at GrodsCorp.

..and, in turn, the gossip columns of News Ltd. rags around the country (Sydney, Melbourne, Brisbane, Adelaide and Perth).

IT WOULDN’T be the first time a Big Brother housemate has been accused of being fake, but a make-believe character making it right through to group auditions?

Lachlan Connor - a fictional character who stars in an internet video mockumentary - was apparently more appealing to producers than many real-life applicants.

Connor “wrote” in his questionnaire that his favourite movie is The Truman Show, and talks of his life-changing Contiki tour across Europe.

But because he only exists on the GrodsCorp website, the dorky traffic surveyor failed to advance to the next level.

So given the interest in Lachlan’s Big Brother tilt I decided to see if the producers were still willing to let him attend the audition.

From: Lachlan Connor (lachlanconnor @gmail.com)
To: Big Brother 2008 (bigbrother @bigbrother.com.au)
Date: Jan 30, 2008 9:18 PM
Subject: Re: BB08: Audition Invitation

Hi,

If it’s not too late to RSVP I’d love to come to the audition.

Regards,
Lachlan

I’ll let you know if I get a response.

There’s a story running on The Age’s website about a teacher who repeatedly screwed an underage student.

A Melbourne secondary school teacher had weekly sex with a student in a school darkroom, a Victorian court has been told.

Paul Anthony Segar, 50, of Mt Waverley, appeared in the County Court in Melbourne today charged with two counts of an indecent act with a child under the age of 16, four counts of sexual penetration with a child under 16 and four counts of sexual penetration with a child aged 16 to 17 whilst under his care and supervision.

Alongside the ad is a purple animated advertisement that begins thus:

And continues thus:

Oh dear. Poor old Fairfax-owned RSVP.

If this spam advertisement that I received today doesn’t sell penis enlargement products then I don’t know what will.

Melbourne’s tabloid-broadband lifestyle supplement Fairfax “newspaper”, The Age, recently added a tagline to its masthead that reads: Australia’s Independent Newspaper

Fair to say that I nearly choked on my cornflakes when I read that. “Independent from what?” I thought. Certainly not from corporate editorial control; nor from celebrity news. Perhaps what they mean is independence from significant right-wing balance or from any sense of ethical conflict when advertising dictates the selection and composition of stories.

Don’t get me wrong — I think the Herald Sun is much more worthy of lining my cat’s litter tray than The Age but at least the Hun doesn’t arrogantly tout itself as “independent”.

What else is the Age independent from, GrodsReaders?