There’s Homer, there’s Sappho … there’s even ΠO if you prefer your great mono-monikered poets to be, you know, alive.

And now, thanks to the literary editors at Coles, there’s Amelia:

The best part was when she rhymed “nice” with “nice”.

Anyway, time for a GrodsChallenge. Whoever writes the best poem about the most unspectacular grocery item gets to lick the cake-mix off my beater.*

Have at it!

* Not a euphemism, you depraved Leftists.

Fairfax’s baby-related advertising conduit, Essential Baby, offers some handy hints for having sex that increases the chances of conception.

How important is it to orgasm?
Whilst sperm can leak out prior to ejaculation, clearly it is important for the man to reach orgasm in the act of ‘baby-making’!

Thousands of Australian couples who have hitherto been unsuccessful in their attempts to have a baby will doubtless thank Fairfax for this crucial advice.

Went to the bank just now in my lunch break to deposit a cheque. The ATM machine machine had run out of envelopes so I was forced to head inside and interact with a human. As the human finished processing my transaction she attempted a bit of promotional selling. Poorly.

Teller: Do you use the internet?

Scott: Oh, God, yes.

Teller: We have a new product. It is a deposit account.

Scott: Hmmm.

Teller: It pays interest.

Scott: …

Teller: …

Scott: …

Teller: Would you like one?

I’ll never know how I managed to resist.

I think this is the worst concept I have ever read about a reality TV program:

The Fox network is letting employees of some troubled small businesses decide which one of their colleagues will be laid off and turning the results into a reality show.

…

Each episode will feature a company with about 15 or 20 employees that needs to cut costs because of the economy. Instead of the boss deciding who is fired, the company will open its books to show everyone’s salaries and let the employees make the call.

I can’t believe anyone would want to watch this and revel in someone getting the sack particularly in these rough economic times. I can’t believe colleagues are, effectively, being given the opportunity to make someone else to lose their livelihood. And there’s so many things wrong with allowing access to everyone’s salaries, I don’t know where to start.

But Mike Darnell, chief of alternative programming at Fox, said everyone who participates in the show knows fully what they are doing.

So? Doesn’t make it right. This sort of behaviour shouldn’t be encouraged — it’s mean, spiteful and petty, and I would certainly hope younger, impressionable people don’t start thinking this kind of dog-eat-dog attitude is the only way to go about in life, whether in the workplace or elsewhere. I can only imagine it would lead to more bullying, backstabbing, dishonesty and perhaps harassment — and this sort of behaviour would be magnified and encouraged on television. It would be “cool”.

And I really have to question the people who are willing to go on this kind of show. Yeah, it’s their choice, but for what? Fifteen minutes of fame before heading to the dole office?

“I feel that it’s part of the times that we are living in,” Darnell said. “It’s certainly no worse than watching the news every night and hearing all the statistics and watching what is happening. To be frank, like all these shows, if you don’t want to watch, don’t watch it.” 

True. That’s always been my philosophy as well: don’t wanna watch it? Then don’t. But this show is at a high level of nastiness — up there with humiliating men who didn’t know the chick they were trying to win over had a penis. And it doesn’t take away the questions of the ethics surrounding this new show.

Darnell said he wasn’t concerned about the emotional fallout in a workplace after Someone’s Gotta Go, where an employee might be left to work with a colleague they’d just said on national television should be fired.

Says it all, really.

I’ve spoken before about the inane comedy thrust upon passengers by Virgin Blue’s in-flight staff. I’m no fan, and I’m waaaay better than that comedy, so it was with terrible shame that I last night fell for one of the lame, scripted “jokes” on a flight from Melbourne to Brisbane.

Virgin Blue comedian: At the pointy end of the plane tonight is Captain Ernest Pickleheim, fresh out of flight school.

Scott (reading paper and only half paying attention, turning to Spykey): I’m not sure she should’ve said that.

Virgin Blue comedian: And joining him is Iain Bertrand, doing some work experience with us at the moment.

Scott (penny dropping, embarrassed flush rising on face): Fuck.

Scott notes: For the second time I am proud to present a guest post by Bruce, for whom GrodsCorp is the perfect place to dump posts that are too lowbrow for The Thinkers’ Podium.

If there is anything Hollywood has taught me about business types, it’s that they’re a bunch of over-stressed, fast-food eating, sexually frustrated pill poppers. And Hollywood movies never lie.

At the top of the list of woes for the males are circulatory issues, so you can easily imagine them developing all sorts of associated pharmacological obsessions as they wash down their fistfull of tablets with a McDonalds thick shake.

Playing it a bit hard and fast with some pharmacology that would otherwise bore you to tears, there is an enzyme out there known as cGMP specific phosphodiesterase type 5 (yeah sorry.) Inhibiting this enzyme amongst other things leads to increased nitric oxide activity and subsequent vasodilation in certain tissues – particularly in the retina and the corpus cavernosum penis (the pair of spongy erectile tissues that fill up with blood when a guy gets a boner.) This is how Viagra works.

I know this shit because I’ve studied biology at uni – the biological science kind, not the sports (ahem) science kind. Trust me.

Type “nitric oxide” and “erection” into Google and you’ll probably find a heap of sites selling penis pills with nitric oxide precursors like l-arginine (and this post may give GrodsCorp a boost in traffic from the hairy-palm demographic.)

Penis! Erection! Impotence! GRODS-POST!

So getting back to the anxious, cardio-vascularly impaired alpha males of the business world, you can see a scope for fixation on these kinds of things.

Now if there’s something that shits me more than capitalist marketing wankers, it’s capitalist marketing wankers that dream up slogans and gimmicks to sell shitty energy drinks. So imagine my shadenfreude when I came across this lovely little Freudian slip…

NITRO Energy Drink – GO HARD! Or Go Home

So ‘Nitro’ will make me hard, eh?

I can just picture a guy in marketing, the time before his deadline frittered away buying penis pills online and furiously trying to whack off to furry pr0n. With 2 minutes left, he ejaculates this marketing catastrophe into his manager’s inbox and wipes his keyboard down with a Kleenex.

I reckon one of you lot ought to photoshop this can into a fleshlight or a penis pump. The can comes in two sizes mind you.

But what does it taste like? I’m not game to put this thing near my mouth after what’s just gone through my mind, but I’ll suffer for your sake. I’ll go drink it now.

…

Urrgghhhh… Tastes like something not unlike what I’d expect watered down, carbonated kerosene to taste like. I feel like my mouth is having mucus membrane stripped from it, leaving a velvety layer of slime on my tongue. I’m glad this stuff doesn’t taste salty!

It tastes better than a lot of sports drinks I’ve tasted, but looking downstairs I’ve still got more wrinkles than an elephant’s trunk. In fact, with the lingering taste still distracting me, I don’t think Sabrina Salerno (NSFW) could save me now.

It might be lazy blogging, but I don’t think I can make my point about Earth Hour any better than I did last year.

Cover the actual news on your news website with advertising dressed up as news for the first ten seconds after your readers arrive at your site.

Genius.

Growing up in regional Queensland in the 1980s meant watching locally produced commercial television, some of which must count among the most execrable ever broadcast. Also, watching local television meant being subjected to what amounted to a round-the-clock brainwashing campaign on behalf of Castlemaine Perkins. By my recollection, there was a plug for Fourex every 4.2 minutes, most of which included the only celebrities Queensland had at the time (other than Jackie McDonald): sportsmen.

What with the hoo-ha about the State election, a friend reminded me of the existence of this abomination. Since I saw it about 5000 times in 1985, it’s only taken one viewing to ensure that I can’t rinse the sounds or images from my mind. I thought I’d share the pain with GrodsReaders.

NB

1. The heady blend of alcohol and retro-styled homeroticism.

2. Thommo’s mullet.

3. When they say that there’s been an 80s fashion revival, they’re lying. That is 80s fashion, and you don’t see hipsters getting around in anything that comes even close.

If I can’t get it out of my head soon, I’m calling Dr Nitschke.

Every Australian has had more than a couple of teenage chuckles over the name of the Golden Gaytime ice-cream, and it’s believed that manufacturer Streets has played up the gaymosexual double-meaning.

No shit.

Facebookers love a Gaytime

Just go to this website (SFW), make sure you have the volume turned up, and marvel.

UPDATE: silpheed points out the unfortunate double-meaning of that company’s name.

Stanley steamer

When you are taking a shower, and a family member or roomate comes into the bathroom and takes a shit at the same time. The mixture of shit smell and hot humid air is absolutely intolerable.

About a month ago I (along with many other bloggers) received an email from some guy named James from some PR agency called zing (all in funky lower case.) James, or “Jay” as he oh-so-funkilly calls himself, asked me (well, he actually asked somebody called “Dan”, since the first post on Grods at the time was this one) for my “open and honest” feedback on a new ad campaign for an energy drink called Mother, owned by Coca Cola.

Hey Dan,

Your open and honest feedback will contribute to our success so we’re hoping you would tell us what you thing (sic) of our new commercial – check it out here _http://mother.socialmediarelease.com.au/

Oh, and if you’re interested in bouncing off the walls in 2009, please shoot over your best mailing address and I’ll ship you out another energy boost of new Mother.

Cheers,
Jay

–
James Levy | Senior Account Executive
zing

Now, it was obviously a stupid viral marketing campaign with a crate of energy drink as the sweetener for bloggers in exchange for a plug on their sites, but who am I to turn down free shit? So I emailed Jay with Spykey’s address.

Hi James,

Would love to try some Mother! I’ll check out the ad as well.

My address is:
XXXXXXXXXXXXX
XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Cheers,
Dan

Jay sent back a cryptic reply, telling me that he’d put some Mother on a courier or something. Bizarre.

Hey Dan,

Not a problem buddy. I have put a case on a courier for you.

Have a nice day,
Jay

Now I don’t know what the campaign ad looks like, and I don’t know if the courier was upset about having cans of drink dropped on him, but I do know that Spykey was a little bit shocked when some guy carrying a case of energy drink showed up on her doorstep looking for “Dan”. Anyway, I gots me some free stuff.

Twelve litres of gross

The case has been sitting on Spykey’s floor for a while, with only a few cans being consumed by her cousin and her bandmates. But after staring at it for three weeks I got a case of the guilts about not giving GrodsReaders my “open and honest” feedback on the product in exchange for the freebie, so I asked Spykey’s cousin to write a review and got this back:

Unlike the all controlling protocol computer in Alien, this Mother has your wellbeing in mind. It re-juvinates, re-vitalises and has double the energy boost in a manly-size 500ml can. Tastes nothing like the Old Mother…

But I didn’t really think it was enough so I looked to Prodos for inspiration. You see, some years ago Prodos did a podcast about how Coca Cola represents everything good and great about capitalism, freedom and the Western world. There’s this beautifully awful section where Prodos, along with guests Wolfgang Kasper and some PR chick from Coca Cola, opens a bottle of Coke and analysis the sound, smell and feel of it. Here’s the segment for your enjoyment:

Inspired, I decided to record my own audio review of Mother:

Conscience clear.

Scenario: You’re in a laboratory and your colleague’s shirt catches on fire. Within reach is a fire extinguisher.

Do you…

a) Grab the fire extinguisher and put out the fire on your colleague’s shirt; or

b) Debate with other onlookers the risk posed to your colleague’s health by the contents of the fire extinguisher.

At the Engineering department of the University of Melbourne, it seems the answer is ‘b’.

From: Stephen Beard
Date: 8 January 2009 5:04:50 PM
Subject: Safety Alert – Use of Fire Extinguishers

Dear Engineering Staff & Students

You may have heard that there was a major safety incident in December that resulted in an employee receiving a bad burn to his back. One of the incidents (sic) contributing factors was that some people were unaware if they could use a fire extinguisher on a person. Please follow this link http://www.eng.unimelb.edu.au/about/safety/alerts/FireExtinguisher.pdf to read more about the basic operation of portable fire extinguishers.

Lab Managers – Please discuss this Safety Alert with your groups at your next meeting.

Thanks

Stephen Beard
EHS Manager, Melbourne School of Engineering

Apparently engineers need lessons on how to point and shoot a fire extinguisher. Awesome.

Coming next from the University of Melbourne engineering department: How To Open A Softdrink Can

Bought some canola oil the other day. After I finished having a laugh at the ridiculous testimonial that sullies all You’ll Love Coles packaging I took a closer look at the picture of “Jo” who apparently prefers “canola oil as a cholesterol-free alternative.”

“Jo” has either got a severely misshapen head or the work experience kid at Coles HQ didn’t really know how to use Photoshop.

I vote the latter.

Was in a natural cosmetics shop today (I was buying soap, okay — shut up!) when I saw two packets of “natural men” hair dye. Tell me, dear GrodsReaders, how on Earth the models selected by the marketing department of Phergal could possibly convince anybody to buy the product.

This guy’s eyebrows are a different colour than his hair. And he looks like the nice-guy kind of serial killer.

This guy has a stray lock of hair over his eye that is supposed to look cool but doesn’t. And he looks like the nasty-guy kind of serial killer.

But seriously, wouldn’t you just shave your hair off rather than attempt to look like either of those guys?