Scott notes: For the second time I am proud to present a guest post by Bruce, for whom GrodsCorp is the perfect place to dump posts that are too lowbrow for The Thinkers’ Podium.
If there is anything Hollywood has taught me about business types, it’s that they’re a bunch of over-stressed, fast-food eating, sexually frustrated pill poppers. And Hollywood movies never lie.
At the top of the list of woes for the males are circulatory issues, so you can easily imagine them developing all sorts of associated pharmacological obsessions as they wash down their fistfull of tablets with a McDonalds thick shake.
Playing it a bit hard and fast with some pharmacology that would otherwise bore you to tears, there is an enzyme out there known as cGMP specific phosphodiesterase type 5 (yeah sorry.) Inhibiting this enzyme amongst other things leads to increased nitric oxide activity and subsequent vasodilation in certain tissues – particularly in the retina and the corpus cavernosum penis (the pair of spongy erectile tissues that fill up with blood when a guy gets a boner.) This is how Viagra works.
I know this shit because I’ve studied biology at uni – the biological science kind, not the sports (ahem) science kind. Trust me.
Type “nitric oxide” and “erection” into Google and you’ll probably find a heap of sites selling penis pills with nitric oxide precursors like l-arginine (and this post may give GrodsCorp a boost in traffic from the hairy-palm demographic.)
Penis! Erection! Impotence! GRODS-POST!
So getting back to the anxious, cardio-vascularly impaired alpha males of the business world, you can see a scope for fixation on these kinds of things.
Now if there’s something that shits me more than capitalist marketing wankers, it’s capitalist marketing wankers that dream up slogans and gimmicks to sell shitty energy drinks. So imagine my shadenfreude when I came across this lovely little Freudian slip…
NITRO Energy Drink – GO HARD! Or Go Home

So ‘Nitro’ will make me hard, eh?
I can just picture a guy in marketing, the time before his deadline frittered away buying penis pills online and furiously trying to whack off to furry pr0n. With 2 minutes left, he ejaculates this marketing catastrophe into his manager’s inbox and wipes his keyboard down with a Kleenex.
I reckon one of you lot ought to photoshop this can into a fleshlight or a penis pump. The can comes in two sizes mind you.
But what does it taste like? I’m not game to put this thing near my mouth after what’s just gone through my mind, but I’ll suffer for your sake. I’ll go drink it now.
…
Urrgghhhh… Tastes like something not unlike what I’d expect watered down, carbonated kerosene to taste like. I feel like my mouth is having mucus membrane stripped from it, leaving a velvety layer of slime on my tongue. I’m glad this stuff doesn’t taste salty!
It tastes better than a lot of sports drinks I’ve tasted, but looking downstairs I’ve still got more wrinkles than an elephant’s trunk. In fact, with the lingering taste still distracting me, I don’t think Sabrina Salerno (NSFW) could save me now.