Right, so everyone’s flapping their gums about MasterChef Australia at the minute. I thought the show was pants, but that’s beside the point. What really worries me is that amid all the chatter about judges, culinary techniques, TV ratings, Hainanese chicken rice, comfort food, cookbook-publishing deals and dumbfuck newspapers that can’t even correctly report the winner of a TWO-HORSE RACE, people may be losing sight of what’s really important:
Oh, and bugger me with a fish-fork if the woman who won isn’t a dead ringer for a certain Pamela Allen children’s book character:
On the phone to a mate just now. While we were talking I heard the sounds associated with gathering keys, wallet etc., closing the front door, and walking down the street. A couple of minutes later the background noise increased dramatically as he walked into a shop. Pausing mid-sentence, my friend said, “Excuse me, Scott,” before holding the phone away from his mouth and saying to somebody else, “Large latte, please.”
There are two types of foods in this world: non-elite and elite. The non-elite types include things like hamburgers, steaks, tomato sauce, instant coffee and processed cheese. The elite types include things like chardonnay, lattes and… Dijon mustard.
Another sign that President Obama is an elitist Muslim terrorist: The President ordered a cheeseburger with Dijon mustard. “What kind of man orders a cheeseburger without ketchup but Dijon mustard?” asked Laura Ingraham after the president’s visit to an Arlington, Virginia burger joint with Vice President Joe Biden. Sean Hannity played a Grey Poupon commercial and said “I hope you enjoyed that fancy burger, Mr. President.” Mark Steyn, filling in for Rush Limbaugh, said Obama was trying “to enlighten us” through his order. The blog Gateway Pundit wrote “They’re just two ordinary metrosexual guys going out for a burger.”
Ladies and gentlemen, a new phrase: The Dijon Left.
(Thanks to reader jLo.)
What is it with Teh Left and making treasonous wog shit on this most sacred and patriotic of days?
A couple of weeks ago at chez Bron, I attempted to make a Mississippi Mud Pie and the results were just so bloody spectacular, I had to take photos for posterity (and brag about it with a few people on Facebook).
A few moments ago, I was asked by a friend in an email why I hadn’t shared these photos with you dear GrodsReaders. I was accused of being embarrassed by my efforts.
Well, actually, I’m not embarrassed. I don’t know why I haven’t shared the photos with GrodsReaders yet. But it’s NOT BECAUSE I’M EMBARRASSED, OKAY?!!?
So, dear GrodsReaders, I present my (in)famous Mississippi Mud Pie effort (warning: any sniggering means instant banning):
That empty wine glass had nothing to do with any of this.
Note the recipe book top left. That’s how it was supposed to look.
I was only trying to flip the stupid thing over. Not my fault; I followed the recipe instructions.
Anyway, it was still edible and my friend and I spent a pleasant evening picking at it.
And at least the fucking lasagne worked just fine.
“After my experience with my series Let’s Cook! With Craig, I think I have developed a finely tuned taste for quality cuisine. Also being one who is always looking for a bargain, it makes me highly qualified to search out and review cheap meals around inner Melbourne. Come with me as I visit all those little counter meals and pubs that are hidden from the main streets. I’ll try their meals and give you the low down on the cost and quality of the meal.”
– Craig
Percy’s Bar
(418 Lygon St, Carlton)
DINNER
Duck with roast vegetables was ordered this evening at Percy’s Bar in Carlton.
It looked the goods as it approached but as soon as she put it down, all that I could think of was the price that I had just paid for this thing.
It was dry. There were not enough mix of vegetables. It cost me $24.00
The roast potato was nice and the gravox was nice too! I think I would have been better off going to Red Rooster.
2 out of 5.
“After my experience with my series Let’s Cook! with Craig, I think I have developed a finely tuned taste for quality cuisine. Also being one who is always looking for a bargain, it makes me highly qualified to search out and review cheap meals around inner Melbourne. Come with me as I visit all those little counter meals and pubs that are hidden from the main streets. I’ll try their meals and give you the low down on the cost and quality of the meal.”
– Craig
The Clyde Hotel
(385 Cardigan St, Carlton)
DINNER
Having previously visited The Clyde for a very ordinary Chicken Parma, I decided to give it a second chance and found something on the menu that sparked some interest.
The kangaroo sausage on mash with apple, beetroot and gravy.
The apple and beetroot was not too overwhelming. It was subtle and didn’t take away from the ‘roo flavour.
Having had kangaroo before it was quite good and priced fairly.
I would have said that it was over priced at $16.50, but the mix of flavours made the meal very much worth the dollars.
Much better than their chicken parma. At $15.50. A very average crispy chicken-like heart shaped thing with a touch of cheese on a few chips.
Overall 3 stars out of 5.
Get into it!
In October last year John Surname tried to review Sanitarium Nutmeat but couldn’t bring himself to eat it, so he offered $5 to anyone who would.
Seeing as I don’t enjoy the taste of ground-up testicles, I’m going to give Nutmeat a miss. Anyone game? There could be a fiver in it.
Challenge accepted.
Step one: buy can.
Dog food for humans
Step two: open can.
Make sure you protect your nose from the stench
Step three: stab mouthful of Nutmeat with fork.
The consistency of Pal
Step four: insert into mouth.
Resist gag reflex
Step five: chew and swallow.
Like vomiting in reverse
Step six: claim money.
Where’s my five bucks, Surname?
We’ve cooked with Craig, so now let’s review with Craig.
“I tend to eat out a lot so I know what I like. I like quality food and at a good price. If it is really that good, I don’t mind paying that little bit more. Time to start reviewing some of inner-Melbourne’s eats.”
– Craig
Threshermans Bakehouse
(221 Faraday St Carlton)
BREAKFAST
Threshermans was once an outstanding place for value for money until it was sold in about 2005.
Since then quality has declined and I’m sad to say that I’ve gone from being a regular there to staying completely away from it.
A week ago, I found myself awake fairly early and was looking for some breakfast in Carlton.
I decided to drop the self-imposed ban on Thresherman’s and try their Big Breakfast which I always remembered as being of good quality.
Let me say that I’m glad I did. The eggs were perfect, the sausage and bacon were perfect – not too crispy and not too uncooked. The spinach was okay, although I don’t have much of a liking for it anyway. I didn’t like the mushrooms. I think they could have been cooked a little more. The toast could have been buttered. The tomato looked well cooked but I don’t eat tomato so you’ll have to check out the pic above.
Overall satisfactory, although they charge for tomato sauce.
Time to put the self-imposed ban back on.
2 out of 5.
Unlike some bloggers, I do not consider myself “as educated as it is possible to be“. That’s why I was looking today for some avenues to self-improvement on the Illawarra WEA’s site today. Naturally, I headed straight for the “Barista” section, thinking that even a “silvertail leftist” could afford to save a few quid by brewing at home with the Gaggia. But even I was shocked to find a course offered under the title of “Latte Art”. The description alone may well get wingnuts burning torches outside the gates of ”Illawarra Innovation Campus” and hurling stones at its curvelinear glass facade:
What defines a good coffee in today’s cafe society? Of course you need to have good espressos and silky, textured milk but it doesn’t stop here. To achieve excellence in your lattes, put some art on top! This class is designed to teach participants the various techniques involved in creating the perfect latte art. A pre-requisite is that participants must have completed the Coffee Appreciation course or are experienced in creating a consistent crema
So readers, in the interests of my political education and morning alertness, should I enrol? What about my lack of prerequisites? And should I keep a course journal for GrodsCorp? The decision is yours.
Episode 4: Craig heads outdoors for a classic summer event — the great Aussie BBQ.
Rate this episode at YouTube.
Bought some canola oil the other day. After I finished having a laugh at the ridiculous testimonial that sullies all You’ll Love Coles packaging I took a closer look at the picture of “Jo” who apparently prefers “canola oil as a cholesterol-free alternative.”
“Jo” has either got a severely misshapen head or the work experience kid at Coles HQ didn’t really know how to use Photoshop.
I vote the latter.
As part of our series of encore screenings of Let’s Cook! With Craig in the lead-up to episode four, I proudly present to you the second episode.
Episode 2: Craig cooks an Australian family staple — Meat and three veg.
Rate this episode at YouTube.
UPDATE: Rabbi Surname reminds us in comments that Craig quickly became a gay icon after episode one. And how!
Craig puts gay in the food as part of the gay agenda
It’s been a long time in the planning, but it’s finally here (almost): the concluding episode of Let’s Cook! With Craig. Three episodes last year took YouTube by storm, amassing over 30,000 hits between them, but the series came to a sudden halt when the production team (read: Craig and I) lost access to the set. However, keen Craig fans will get their final fix of Craig goodness later this week as long as I can stay sober enough to edit after tomorrow’s shoot.
In anticipation of episode four I will post one episode a day this week for an encore screening. Today we’re going to take a look at where it all started.
Episode 1: Craig cooks one of his favourite dishes — Spaghetti Bolognaise.
Rate this episode at YouTube.
