Only just emerged from bed after 36 hours of incapacitation.

Disease: Food poisoning

Source: Asian food (isn’t it always?)

Symptoms: Headache, bloatedness, tear-inducing stomach cramps, explosive diarrhea. Oh, and that charming gas you get from food poisoning where it backs up from your intestines and ushers forth in a foul, gangrenous burp - it feels and smells like you are farting from your mouth.

Prognosis: S(h)it it out and wait.

Peg me now at your own peril…

Bit (a lot) tired today and finding it hard to kick my brain into gear at work. Decided that since I couldn’t leave to go buy a latte (damn you, responsibility!) I’d browse latte porn on the intertubes instead. Tell me that photos like this — which is hilariously captioned by the photographer: “its like being in orbit over planet latte” — don’t get you salivating in anticipation of that sweet, sweet latte hit.

Typing one-handed now

Behold, the commercial cross-over that will compete for gongs in the ‘Most Obviously Greedy’ and ‘Most Ludicrously Concieved’ categories at a future advertising awards:

What. The. Hell. What should we expect next? The “Silence of the Lamb-Kebab”? The “Rambo Hambo”? “Harry Potter and the Half-Price Fries”? And what makes a Whopper ‘dark’ in the first place? Was it made from the flesh of a cow whose parents were gunned down in the backstreets of a shadowy dystopia? Was it bullied and isolated in the freezer by the other Whopper patties? Or was it just left too long on the grill by some indolent teenager?

There are no words.

The Editor, John Surname, Ant Rogenous, Jeremy Sear and Craig discuss:

* Nukes
* Hybrid cars
* Dagwood dogs
* Fashion and dress codes in education
* Nudity and the fall of the Roman Empire
* Lesbians

** Because Jeremy Sear’s new copy of Windows Vista has crashed again, use only the “Play in popup” link or the “Download” link. **

 

 GrodsThink 20 (10 June 08) [31:20m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

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Marriage? Home ownership? Fatherhood? Poppycock.

This is the happiest day of my life.

Remember jLo’s ass jam sighting last year? Well wash down your ass jam with ass felafel or ass doner.

Mmmmm. Tasty.

School healthy eating schemes to tackle obesity are driving teenage girls towards eating disorders, according to new research.
Attempts to drum home healthy eating message were making pupils acutely aware of their weight and inadvertently driving some to potentially dangerous behaviour, the Loughborough University researchers said. (Source)

So if we want to stop childhood eating disorders, The Ed and his Maoist comrades-in-chalk need to stop making fat kids feel fat by promoting healthy body types (yes, it’s all their fault again). As a community service - and to help The Ed out with his teachering - I’ve provided some useful lesson ideas and phrases to avoid this situation in future:

“Boys and girls, this is called ‘celery’. Blleeeeeeeaaaaahhh. Have a donut.”

“It’s a lovely day today, kids… bugger PE, let’s break out the nachos.”

“Self-esteem is very important, Grade Five. Go home and smash all the mirrors.”

“Listen up now for an important a commerce lesson: ‘How to get full value from upsizing’.”

“Today we’re going to go to the Library and research a great person from history. You can choose from John Candy, Chris Farley, Ricky May, Rodney Dangerfield or Kim Beazley.”

“Flab has benefits, boys: if it hangs over far enough, no-one can see your weiner in the showers.”

“You can be morbidly obese and still play sport … just look at Groupthink FC. And you can’t see their weiners in the showers.”

Thanks to the marvellous half-hour long advertisements on late night television, in particular DanozDirect, I am so bloody tempted to whip out my already-maxed-out credit card and buy this thing called ‘9 Minute Marinator’, a kitchen gadget that promises ‘Moist, Plump & Flavorful foods in 9 minutes!’ Even Beth on the site loves it because she has a very small kitchen and - get this - a lot of people running through it. I know marathons can make you hungry but this is ridiculous. As for Chef Stacey, she says that they do a lot of experimenting and it has been wonderful. Well, I am glad to hear that, because I’ve been getting none whatsoever.

I don’t really need it, especially since lately I’ve been taking the easy option of getting takeaway on my way home from work instead of cooking.

But OH! How cool is this gadget?! NINE MINUTES!!! It means that I could marinate stuff and STILL cook my dinner within an hour at most. It means that I might stop getting takeaway. It means that I’ll save money on all the takeaway I don’t buy. It means that my food will be tasty and delicious, thus reducing the need for takeaway. It means that I will have finally grown up and become a responsible, practical adult, instead of a lazy git who wastes money on fast food.

Hold on. Grown up? Responsible? Practical? Adult?

Oh, goody. I’ve just talked myself out of buying it. Phew. That was precariously close. Who would wanna be a grown up? They are such boring fuddy duddies.

Additional thought: Perhaps Craig could use this gadget in his next cooking instalment? God only knows, his culinary possibilities could be endless.

The telephone. The internal combustion engine. The bacon-and-egg McMuffin. All great inventions.

Today the inventor of one of these world-changing contributions to human kind passed away.

Herb Peterson, who invented the ubiquitous Egg McMuffin as a way to introduce breakfast to McDonald’s restaurants, has died

This sad news has understandably triggered a series of blog posts that honour the memory of the great Herb Peterson, written by fans of the Fine Scottish Restaurant (TM). Regrettably, these posts have attracted derisory comments written by leftist scum who are too elitist to appreciate the elegant simplicity of a muffin, a slice of bacon, a fried egg and a slice of “cheese”. Here is an example of one such comment.

Yeah who else could have thought of putting an egg and a slice of bacon in a roll? It’s fricken genius. Why wasn’t this guy knighted?

How narrow and negative this poor sod’s world view must be. Thank heavens the author of the post that attracted this comment was on hand to slap this nihilist upside the head.

…the fact of the matter is that before 1972 no body did think of doing this and it is on a Muffin not a roll :)
You elitist lefties now if it had some quaint ethnic origin (focarccia anyone?) you lot would be singing it’s praises, and given the gentleman was an American from California he was of course not eligible for a knighthood.

(text reproduced vebatim)

Hear, hear. And a lifetime supply of “Peterson” McMuffins to the GrodsReader who can best proof read the final blockquote.

UPDATE (29/3): The nihilist has dared question the author of the Peterson post once more.

Bacon and egg rolls have been around for generations… As for using a muffin, so what, it’s hardly friggin rocket science.

But our McMuffin-lovin’ correspondent again shows the nihilist which way is what.

The distinctive difference is [Nihilist’s name] lies in the use of a Teflon ring to shape the egg as it cooks so that it more perfectly fits the muffin, and the addition of cheese.

Pwned!

Episode 3: Craig cooks a Saturday night boys-and-beer favourite — lamb curry.

Rate this episode at YouTube.

Let’s Cook! With Craig is, if nothing else, really good at eliciting an amazing range of responses. Episode one really drew the nutters out from underneath their rocks and episode two has divided the opinions of those who view it. These three comments were posted today.

Craig is a spunk!!! Yum, he can cook in my Kitchen anyday.
– TARDISDOWNUNDER

User TARDISDOWNUNDER’s profile reads: “I’m gay and have a parter. I’m living in Wagga in NSW, Australia. I’m a dag and a nerd, love socialising, I’m very open love to be around my friend’s family and partner.”

I mean, you can’t deny that Craig is a very sexy man.

Mmmm, tasty.

And then user BigRedIsGod countered with these comments.

hes a fuckin fag
– BigRedIsGod

the glue that holds you and your dad together

mash potato make the real thing you tight arse
– BigRedIsGod

Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Craig.

Episode 2: Craig cooks an Australian family staple — Meat and three veg.

Rate this episode at YouTube.

Episode 1: Craig cooks one of his favourite dishes — Spaghetti Bolognaise.

Rate this episode at YouTube.

I was squeezing some honey onto my toast the other morning from one of those ingenious clean-cut, non-drip bottles when I was rocked by a two-pronged epiphany:

1. There is no way this device was conceived without a sphincter in mind; and,
2. This is almost certainly the first time arsehole technology has been used to make the dispensation of a foodstuff more convenient.

While it’s fairly obvious where the inventor was sitting when he hatched this idea, other details remain shrouded in mystery. Just who was this audacious visionary? Was this his first great idea from a series of madcap schemes, or just one of many brilliant but commercially impracticable ones?

More importantly, how many times was he rejected before the good folk at Capilano recognised and backed his ingenuity? How many times was he subjected to the crushing humiliation of failed pitches like this:

Inventor: Okay, picture… an arsehole!

Nutella executive: Get out of my office.

In any case, here’s to a man who dared to dream. If the next inspiration that strikes him is for a device that will stop wine dribbling down the side of the bottle without my having to perform one of those elaborate twists of the wrist, I’ll personally underwrite the R&D.

Today a press release from some company flogging ‘Himalayan Goji Juice’ flittered onto my desk. I don’t even know what a Goji is or how you juice one but it’s wonderful stuff apparently - if you drink lots of [expensive] bottles it’s a great a multi-vitamin, skin conditioner, hair shampoo, appetite suppressant, aphrodisiac, contraceptive, eyesight restorer, etc. None of this has been verified by independent studies, except in China (coincidentally the world’s biggest exporter of goji berries) so the jury is very much out on the mystical powers of said juice.

What caught my attention was that the Goji Juice website is registered to a Mr. Neil Mackintosh of Timaru, NZ - and Neil also runs the curiously-named It Will Pass site. Amongst the bizarre conspiracies gathered on this Intertube are assertions that:

The Australian Taxation Office is an illegal organisation
The Port Arthur massacre was a government conspiracy
Home-schooled kids are geniuses (Jesus was home-schooled!) and…
School children are corrupted by teachers, drugs, pornography and society
A good wife should just shut the hell up and get on with the dinner
Hotel California is actually the hymn of a dark satanic order
A collection of ‘wise quotes’ by Jefferson, Orwell, Voltaire and… Neil Mackintosh

And, naturally, a variety of pages extolling the benefits of goji juice.