The Internet is a sublime creation: I learn something from it every day. Today I learned about octopus sex:

A man whose self-esteem is so low he identifies himself as a beast has admitted to downloading images showing sexual acts with an octopus.

Rodney Scott McLagan, 48, of South Arm, was caught with 31,000 images and video files involving sexual acts with children, dogs, ponies, snakes, tigers and an octopus.

What. The. Fuck. Octopuses?! How the hell do you screw one in the first place? Or do you let it do you, eight times over? What type of malevolent sicko engages in such an act?

Curiosity got the better of me and, shame of shame, I went a-Googling. And what do you know… there’s an entire Japanese sub-culture dedicated to sexual congress between humans and cephalopods. According to Wykypedya:

Tentacled creatures appeared in Japanese erotica long before animated pornography; among the most famous of the early instances (and perhaps the first) is a Hokusai woodcut called The Dream of the Fisherman’s Wife, depicting a woman sexually entwined with a pair of octopuses.

Most unnervingly, last night we had calamari for dinner. I just hope none of these freaks got their hands on it - or anything else - before it hit the frypan.

There’s high excitement amongst Catholic Sydneysiders this week, as a mouldy old Italian cawpse comes to town:

The body of [inspirational Catholic] Pier Giorgio Frassati … has been transported from the Turin Cathedral to Sydney following a farewell mass. Mr Frassati was only 24 when, after a one-week illness, he died of polio.

On Wednesday at 12pm (AEST) his body will be transported to St Benedict’s Church in Chippendale in inner Sydney where it will remain in the church for veneration until July 10. The following Thursday his body will be moved to St Mary’s Cathedral for a pilgrimage. The coffin will remain on display in the cathedral until July 22.

The transportation of his remains was organised by Sydney Archbishop George Pell and World Youth Day co-ordinator Bishop Anthony Fisher in conjunction with the Vatican Council for the Causes of Saints. 

Frassati died in 1925 and was beatified in 1990, but you can’t hold old Frassa down: his corpse is embarking on an antipodean holiday more than 80 years after he turned up his toes and started to putrefy. 

Not since the most recent tour by the Rolling Stones (who, let’s face it, aren’t in much better condition) have Sydney’s Catholics been whipped into such a frenzy. Dem Frassati bones will be doing gigs in Sydney churches, book now at Ticketek. The visit will coincide with that other more animated bag-of-bones, Joe Ratzinger, formerly of the Hitler Yoof.

Frassati’s visit recalls memories of the High Middle Ages, when stupid pious Catholics trudged tirelessly around Europe trying to catch a glimpse of Saint Peter’s foreskin, Mary’s breastmilk or one of Christ’s arse-hairs left clinging to the true cross. Fortunately today we live in a more enlightened and scientific age, so stupid pious Catholics will now be able to catch public transport.

Criticisms of Frassati’s tour have been dismissed by Catholics, who suggest that cultist pilgrimages to the cadavers of long-dead saints are perfectly normal. It is unknown whether Sydney authorities will inspect Frassati’s remains for a silver tongue.   

Following on from God’s SMS message to the world comes this electoral education material, currently on display in not-so-sunny Ballarat:

I was leafing through DVDs in the school library yesterday when I came across a disc from Narcanon — the drug rehabilitation arm of the “Church” of Scientology. How it got there I have no idea, but I simply had to borrow it out and take a look.

How cool is that ’80s German indoor sports centre-style font and logo?

Reading the accompanying literature I quickly worked out that it was a free promo kit sent out by Narconon to try and convince the school to pay for drug education talks run by the Scientologists. Now, the Narconon approach to drug education and rehabilitation has been pulled apart quite comprehensively elsewhere so I won’t waste much time here on Grods, save to point out how hilarious this particular DVD and leaflet were.

Let’s start with the video which I’ve helpfully uploaded to YouTube for your enjoyment. Try really hard not to picture Patrick Swayze in Donnie Darko while you keep in mind my favourite bits:

* Picture of a young schoolgirl, full of hope and promise. Dissolve to a depressed looking emo kid with smudged eyeliner. V/O: “What a terrible waste it is to allow something like this… to turn into something like this, just for the sake of learning a few facts about what drugs are and what they do.”
* The brilliantly meaningless scribbles on the blackboard.
* The highly scientific and charisma-free claim by the educator (sic) to the strains of corporate video soundtrack that, “A drug is basically a poison. (Leans forward, leans back.) Okay? (Claps hands.) A small amount makes a person (walks like a chicken) hyper. Some more of the same drug puts a person (feigns sleep and snores) to sleep. And a whole lot of the drug (holds arms wide) in a short period of time (brings hands together and claps loudly) knocks a person dead.”

Nowhere in the Narconon video or the leaflet is the link to Scientology disclosed. The credits note the influence of L. Ron Hubbard in small print while the book simply says this.

Narconon was founded in 1966 by William Benitez, who was an inmate of Arizona State Prison. Benitez read a book by American author L. Ron Hubbard, and became familiar with Mr. Hubbard’s drug rehabilitation methods.

But the “educator” shown in the video, Charlie Tonna, is extremely active in the “Church” Of Scientology (he became an Operating Thetan IV in 2002) and the patron (Kate Cebrano) and board of Narconon are all Scientologists. Plus, Narconon Australia pays a percentage of its gross income to Narconon International which belongs to a company with strong Scientology links.

However, if the freaks are going to talk to the kiddies without referring to any Scientology and without spruiking their Scientology-based services, then why not give them a chance? Here’s what the book says.

Narconon found that the drug education methods currently in use are not always getting the desired result with children or adults. The use of drugs and alcohol amongst young people is still on the increase and both children and adults, once hooked, find it very difficult to escape the addiction.

Fair enough. But what exactly have they got to offer that’s so different to other drug ed programs?

Narconon has also discovered the powerful role of humour in getting through to people. We found out through survey results that the more humour we used, the more dangerous people thought drugs were and the less likely they were to try them. We don’t just tell people to “say no”, we educate them to come to that conclusion on their own.

Well, I certainly laughed my arse off at Charlie Tonna and the video, but probably not for the right reasons. I doubt this is the comedic reaction they were after.

The whole Narconon spiel screams “scientific basis” about as loudly as the theory of intelligent design. It’s all about vitamins vs. drugs, simplistic statements about drugs’ effects on the body, and “mind pictures”.

The mind is basically made up of pictures, and all the information that a person uses in one’s life comes straight from pictures. This talk graphically demonstrates this phenomenon and shows the link between drug use and the blank spots that occur in one’s mind following the taking of drugs. It also covers which drugs actually scramble one’s pictures and how this can lead to further drug abuse.

The most surprising thing to me was that schools in Victoria have actually let these freaks inside their buildings, if the testimonials on the Narconon Education website are true. But seriously, ask yourself as a parent (or a potential parent): would you let these people near your kids?

Earlier in the week GrodsCorp revealed that Sophie Mirabella had been awarded this year’s highly sought Capitalist of the Year award by Richmond’s most dedicated capitalist, Prodos. The ceremony will be held this Sunday and Ms Mirabella’s duties in Canberra will prevent her from attending so Prodos has attempted to console the disappointed hordes with a recorded phone interview.

The podcast begins with an introduction from Prodos’ wife (Sydney) on a phone in the other room.

Objective. Constructive. Creative. Welcome to Prodos Worldwide on the Solid Vox network. Discover the power of ideas at solidvox dot com. Ladies and gentlemen, we now cross to Melbourne, Australia…

(She actually means the next room in the house.)

…to bring you the solid vox with the biggest, the brainiest, the baaaadest, blockbusting, podcasting, powerhouse presenter (sharp intake of breath) on the planet (gasp for air). Kapow! Heeeeeeere’s Prodos!

It just goes even further downhill from there. After a stumbling intro from Prodos and a live read/sing of an “advertisement” (which was really some Ayn Rand propaganda and a plug for iloveprodos.com) from Sydney, Prodos finally introduces Sophie Mirabella. Here’s the topics he discusses with her.

Topics covered included…

* Why be a politician? To give a voice to the majority - who are under-represented and treated with contempt by the ruling left-wing elites.
* Journalists see themselves - and are significant players, influencing public debate. But overwhelmingly from a left-wing, collectivist position.
* Sophie Mirabella’s passion for policy development.
* How does a politician win votes and stay in power whilst not wrecking the country?
* The problem with bureaucratic advice, politicians absolving themselves or responsibility for consequences of bad policies. Politicians can lack the intellect to grasp policy consequences. Then there are the usual human flaws and failings.
* Corrupt politicians can last for ages, yet one who makes an innocent error is taken to the cleaners.
* Sophie has copped flak from the media, mainly because of ideological differences.
* Press gallery in Canberra as an “in club” who consider themselves participants (activists), not just reporters.
* Journalists bred by leftie/collectivist Universities.
* Lack of diversity of opinion across the media and academia.Media busily pushes left-wing barrows rather than examining facts.
* Sophie comments on her boycotting of Prime Minister Kevin Rudd’s fraudulent Sorry Day event. Why didn’t more Liberal and National Party members join in?
* Predicts disastrous future effects on Australian Aborigines of the Rudd “Apology”.
* Issues: Anthropogenic Global Warming? The science is NOT settled. AGW, as a hysteria that’s taken on a life of its own. There are politicians on both who actually do not accept AGW, but go along with it, anyway. Scientists with alternative views being ignored.
* Issues: Carbon Tax, Carbon Emissions Trading: They stem from very flawed premises. Implementation will have adverse effects on economy and on industries. Sophie says of Emissions Trading: “It’s not something I would have instituted,” but believes it will now happen, and that she can not prevent it.
* Issues: The American alliance. America as the leader of the Free World. Most significant cornerstone of Australia’s foreign policy. Australia is a key ally. Despite Labor’s anti-American ranting and raving, they end up supporting the American Alliance. We are in the midst of a worldwide clash of cultures. United by a common hate - the United States - the left aligns itself with the “Islamo-fascists.”
* Disturbed by anti-Americanism amongst today’s youth.
* America’s great tradition of vigorous debate continues and is one of the most exciting aspects of America, in Sophie’s personal experience. Praise for American think tanks. When it comes to debate and discussion, no other nation compares to the USA. America stands out.
* Regarding Australian think tanks, Sophie Mirabella says there is “extraordinary room for improvement.”
* Issues: Israel. Strong supporter. Considers Israel a speck of light amongst the darkness. Israel as a very convenient whipping horse. The depth and scope of debate that occurs within Israel, isn’t found in neighboring states.
* Recommended reading and favorite political leaders. Ayn Rand, a favorite. Also: John Stuart Mill, Thomas Paine, Milton Friedman. Politicians: Margaret Thatcher and Ronald Reagan.
* There are no heroes in politics.
* The shunning of non socialist or communist thinkers at University when Sophie was a student and activist.
* Issues: Flat tax? Supports a flatter taxer system. People are better able to decide how to spend their money, than government is.
* For limited, smaller government.
* Receiving the Melbourne Capitalism Award™ 2008 by Sydney Kendall.

Listen if you dare.

Each year in the lead up to the glorious International Capitalism Day (this coming Sunday, 1 June), everyday Australians and proud capitalists around the world wait anxiously for the announcement of the recipient of Prodos‘ Melbourne Capitalism Award. Previous winners include the Pentecostal Church minister, Danny Nalliah, who was charged with racial vilification (charges were later dropped), and figures from the Institute of Public Affairs, The H.R. Nicholls Society, and Brookes News. But this year Prodos has selected a Liberal politician who inspires Australians around the country and fights tirelessly for the rights of capitalists under this socialist Labor regime. Ladies and gentlemans, put your hands together for… Sophie Mirabella!

Melbourne’s Capitalist of the Year sitting on the right chair

If you — like me — can’t contain your excitement about Ms Mirabella’s amazing achievement you might like to pop along to the grand ceremony in an even grander venue planned this weekend to celebrate Sophie and capitalism.

We will be meeting for dining, drinking and general festivities at:

Venue: Don Mateos cafe restaurant
406 Bridge Road, Richmond
(next door to The Passion Fruit, opposite Reece Hardware)

Time: Starting at around 6.30 PM.

Unfortunately I’m busy (vacuuming the curtains) but if you manage to get there take some photos for us, will you?

There’s no better advertisement for an Australian republic than wizened old wogboy Philip, Duke of Edinburgh (whom, it should be noted, Edinburghians hold no particular affection for). Every time Big Phil opens his wrinkly lips, little bits of sour Edwardian elitism fly out, like venom from a senile old cobra:

Jamie Durie, the designer of the … Australian Garden at the [Chelsea Flower] show … had been showing the Duke around the showpiece when he put his royal visitor right. “It was my first experience of Prince Philip. He said to me, ‘I do like your tree fern’. I said, ‘Actually, it’s not a tree fern, it’s a member of the Cycad family. It’s a Macrozamia moorei’. With that, he walked off. “I didn’t want a bloody lecture,” Prince Philip was heard to mutter.

Sucks to be wrong, Phil, but I guess it must smart - especially when you’ve had a lifetime of constantly being told you’re right. Not his silliest remark by a long stretch though, having noted - shortly after the Dunblane school shootings - that guns are no more dangerous than cricket bats. And that he’d like to be reincarnated as a virus in order to solve the world’s overpopulation. And any number of similarly racist, bigoted and offensive comments.

A CNN journalist who was arrested in New York was not only carrying drugs, but also had a rope tied around his neck and his genitals. British reporter Richard Quest was arrested wandering around Central Park at 3.40am on Friday with methamphetamine in his jacket pocket, the New York Post reports.

Quest, 46, was approached by police for loitering, before voluntarily admitting “I’ve got some meth in my pocket”, police claim. A routine search then found the rope, as well as a sex toy tucked into his boot.  (Source)

Has there been any traffic to Ant’s Fleshlight posts from New York City?

Hands up who’s ever taken the stalks off the hydroponic tomatoes so that they scan as shitty, cheaper tomatoes at the checkout?

Nobody, hey? Pack of filthy liars.

Well, this dude has moved well beyond the stalk-off scam but royally ballsed it up.

A man has faced court for allegedly tampering with a bar code to buy a $700 coffee machine for $30.

[…]

It was alleged Podolak took bar codes from cheaper items and put them over more expensive ones before going to the checkout.

What a tool. Only the dumbest checkout pleb is going to look at an expensive coffee machine, look at the cash register readout displaying $30, look back at the expensive coffee machine, and not have a flag raise in their mind. This bar code idiot obviously started out removing tomato stalks (like smoking joints) and slid down the slippery slope to brazen and ridiculous bar code swaps (like heroin).

Let that be a lesson to you, GrodsReaders: recreational scamming will always lead to the hard stuff eventually.

There was only one Charlton Heston flick worth watching, a dark visionary tale about a future-Earth where society has gone horribly wrong…

“Those maniacs! They did it! They finally did it!”

Serial goose, Family First’s Steve Fielding, is still proudly posting videos of him being a goose on the intertubes (remember his brilliant ANZAC insult?) One of his latest efforts is a rambling mess of a monologue and interview about his proposed national recycling scheme, and it is aptly entitled Steve down on the Yarra talking rubbish.

Steve’s been taking camera lessons from Brendan Nelson’s media people

Check out one of these rubbish quotes.

I’ve just stopped a couple of people here, I don’t know them. What are your thoughts about having a five cent or a ten cent recycling on the bottles of recycling?

And remember Steve’s Parliament House bong stunt? Well here is Steve telling us all about his Cash For Hash proposal.

Steve displays a plastic bottle about to be recycled into a bong

ps/- The page title of the talking rubbish clip is “Steve says hold your horses hear (sic) comes Family First”. What?

UPDATE (5.30pm): This image was just emailed to me by one Mr A. Rogenous, although I’m having trouble working out how he’s altered the original.

Perhaps this is the ‘after’ recycling shot?

This is not the “First Ever Thread” I was going to make for GrodsCorp. That will have to take the backseat for a moment, for I have found something far, far more gobsmackingly ridiculous. This article I just read on the Sydney Morning Herald website:

A New Zealand man who claimed to have been left speaking Australian after being raped by a wombat has been sentenced to 75 hours community service.

Arthur Ross Cradock, a 48-year-old orchard worker, admitted in the Nelson District Court yesterday to the charge of using a phone for a fictitious purpose, after calling police with the message, “I’ve been raped by a wombat”.

Police prosecutor Sergeant Chris Stringer told the court that on the afternoon of February 11 Cradock called the police communications centre, threatening to “smash the filth” if they arrived at his home that night.

When asked if he had an emergency, he replied “yes”, Mr Stringer said.

Hold on, there are wombats in New Zealand? That’s almost as strange as being raped by one.

On a second subsequent call to the communications centre, Cradock told police he was being raped by a wombat at his Motueka address, and sought their immediate help.

He called police again soon after, and gave his full name, saying he wanted to withdraw the complaint.

“I’ll retract the rape complaint from the wombat, because he’s pulled out,” Cradock told the operator at the communications centre, who had no idea what he was talking about, Mr Stringer said.

“Apart from speaking Australian now, I’m pretty all right you know, I didn’t hurt my bum at all,” Cradock then told the operator.

The wombat’s pulled out, “I didn’t hurt my bum at all”. Who really fucked who here? And what does “speaking Australian” mean?

Mr Stringer said alcohol had played a big part in Cradock’s life. However, defence lawyer Michael Vesty said alcohol was not a problem that day.

Judge Richard Russell said he was not quite sure what motivated Cradock to make those statements to the police.

In sentencing, he warned Cradock not to do it again.

Yeah, don’t do it again, ya bloody drongo. Stick to sheep.

Or ask one of the men from GrodsCorp to send over a Fleshlight.

I’m a self-confessed orthographic Nazi who suffers from OCD (Orthographic Compulsive Disorder). I get irrationally angry when I see incorrectly used apostrophes. I mean, not just kinda grumpy, but ANGRY! I get pictures in my head of people dying violent deaths and a sort of red film appears in front of my vision and I start flexing my knuckles and my teeth clench and I find myself walking into hardware stores asking for prices on chainsaws and…

Oh well, you get the idea.

However, I do take comfort in the fact that at least two people share my disorder. Bridgit Gread hates it when people put an exclamation mark inside brackets in the middle (!) of a sentence. Bron goes postal when people… overuse… ellipses…

Now, when Bridgit, Bron and I had our OCD support group meeting last night we decided that it would become increasingly easier to cope with our conditions as we found more people who share it. So, GrodsReaders, can you please share with us your own OCD triggers in comments?

In this episode The Editor, John Surname, Billybob, and Craig discuss the following:

* “Sorry”
* Brendan Nelson
* Warren Truss
* Andrew Bolt
* Education
* Bogans
* Ray Martin
* John Howard
* Russell Crowe
* Chris Johnston
* Scientology

 GrodsCast RSS feed

 

 GrodsCast 3 [33:22m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Thousands of people cycle to and from work every day, but few realise just how many scandalous faux pas they make along the way.

Here are some tips to help you avoid potential embarrassment.
0

HYGIENE
Some cyclists figure that, since they’re going to sweat like John Farnham on the way to work and take a shower once they arrive, there’s no need to bathe before they get going. They couldn’t be more wrong.

Sweat that runs down the body’s nastier crevices smells infinitely more fetid when said crevices are unwashed.

The result of forgoing the pre-ride wash is that within 10 minutes on the road, you will smell like a mixed grill of armpits and arseholes. And bike paths are crowded places where morning breezes carry the news of your disgrace far and wide.

Some might argue that showering twice a morning is a misuse of water, a precious and increasingly scarce resource; others are just filthy bastards who wouldn’t know cleanliness if it assaulted them with a bar of Solvol.

Whichever category you fall into is irrelevant. If you are unwilling to change your foul ways, follow this golden rule: do not, under any circumstances, overtake another rider. Ever.
o

APPAREL
The law of cycling apparel is best expressed by the following formula:

If T ≥ D then C = W

C — cyclist
T —time it takes to change into your wang pants, click shoes, Thriller gloves and fitted shirt festooned with advertising no one is sponsoring you to wear. Worse still, you probably paid for the privilege of giving [insert brands here] some exposure to which they had no right. Saw you coming, didn’t they?
D — time it takes to get to work.
W — wanker

o

RECUMBENT BIKES

If you own one of these, well, you can just go and take a flying reclining fuck.