The votes are in and Magic Bellybutton has bodyslammed John Surname 14 votes to 8 in GrodsCageFight 2. She takes home this handcrafted trophy jpeg and can place it in a dark, smelly corner of her blog that nobody looks at.

Thanks to the judges, timekeepers, coaches and parents.

GrodsCageFight 2: That politics and religion should be separated

John Surname

vs.

Magic Bellybutton

So the speakers have spoken and the debate has been debated. It’s time for you, dear GrodsReader, to review the speeches and vote for the blogger that you think is the master debater. Votes will be tallied and a winner declared at COB Thursday.

That politics and religion should be separated
(Read the whole debate)

Third negative: John Surname

As usual, Magic Bellybutton is resorting to lame gimmicks in order to trick you into thinking she’s right. She isn’t. She’s the opposite of right. She’s wrong. And here’s why.

Her pathetic attempts to try and discredit God are making him angry.

But it’s not just that. His feelings have mellowed in his ancient age (he is, after all, 6000 years old). Now he is feeling something else.

Sadness.

A tear leaks from his eye.

The tear turns into a flood.

The flood wipes out one of those loser countries that no one but Tim Costello cares about.

That’s right, Magic Bellybutton made God cry!

After all He’s done for her. Given her a place to live. Watched over her. Provided her with food. Watched her in the shower.

And this is how she repays him!

God builds THE UNIVERSE. Is a little faith too much to ask? A little meddling in politics? After all, He just wants whats best for you. What’s best for you does not include cloning, abortion, gays, sodomy, rainbow suspenders, Random Brainwave, black people, and Jews (yes, they’re wrong).

And yet, everyone is angry at him, from Richard Dawkins to Kerry O’Brien. The only people who even have faith anymore are those annoying hip-hop “artists”who thank him at the Grammy Awards, but let me tell you, God hates rap and he hates the Grammy awards.
So, stop thinking about yourselves. Think about the little people. Do you really want your children to grow up in a world of abortion-on-demand, rainbow-suspenders-on-demand and cloning-on-demand?

I didn’t think so!

Vote 1 - Vote GOD!

That politics and religion should be separated
(Read the whole debate)

Third affirmative: Magic Bellybutton

Since John is stubbornly refusing to see reason (and really, it is to be expected from people such as him), I’m just going to have to resort to treating this in exactly the same way as him – like a game

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you:

FreedomJeopardy!

Rules are simple. There will be 5 answers. You must work out the correct question to go with this answer. Host is the host, Playa is the contestant. The money you win goes towards getting your family out of Iraq and away from America’s crusade.

First answer.

Playa: I’ll take Megalomaniacal Delusions for $100 thanks Host

Host: Ordered great monuments to be built by slaves as they were rulers seen as gods on earth.

Playa: Who are the Pharaohs?

Host: Correct.

***We interrupt this program to bring you some breaking news. Prime Minister Tony Abbott has announced that Steve Fielding is to be crowned King of Australia. We will give you more information as it comes to hand.***

Second answer.

Playa: I’ll take Random Acts of Catholicism for $200 thanks.

Host: No one expects this.

Playa: What is the Spanish Inquisition?

Host: Correct.

***This just in. Starting immediately, all laws will be reviewed to ensure that they adhere to God’s Will. All non-Christians, Homosexuals, Feminists and Pinko Lefties are to report to their nearest police station immediately for bar-coding and processing.***

Third answer.

Playa: I’ll take Utter Bastards for $400 please.

Host: Sycophants who can easily be bought by the Exclusive Brethren for a cup of coffee at Gloria Jeans

Playa: Who is the Australian Liberal Party?

Host: Correct!

***More breaking news: Fred Nile will be assisting the King in this review, while Cardinal George Pell has been given special permission from the Pope himself to be Australia’s High Inquisitor.***

Fourth answer.

Playa: How about…Religion = Stupidity for $300!

Host: He claimed that the invasions of Afghanistan and Iraq were missions from God.

Playa: Who is George W Bush?

Host: Correct!

***Women’s health groups are up in arms at the announcement that all stocks of contraceptive pills will be destroyed. Furthermore, the King has issued orders that effective immediately, any woman seeking to terminate a pregnancy (or possible pregnancy) for any reason is to be placed in a Federal Maternity Care Facility. These facilities are to ensure the health of the mother while she carries the child to full-term. Extensive counselling from on-site chaplains will be available for all expectant mothers.***

Final answer!

Playa: I’ll take “Always Right” for $500 thanks Host

Host: She is always right no matter what John Surname may otherwise claim.

Playa: Who is Magic Bellybutton?

Host: Correct! Yes, not a well known question that one. I’m really impressed you knew it.

Playa: Magic Bellybutton is the shit.

Host: But of course.

Six months later:

In the end, everyone was bent to His will. The King has spoken and those who failed to comply soon found that life was very difficult for them. The world grew very dark. Anyone suspected of non-conformity was labelled Un-Australian and found themselves to be under investigation from Cardinal Pell’s Righteous Rulers Special Service. Many people disappeared and were never seen by their friends for family again.

The King looked over his domain and smiled to himself. Everyone is happy when they have the right morals imposed on them. They come to understand that there is only One Way.

He turned around and went into his bedroom. Now, where did he put that Baby Jesus Butt Plug?

That politics and religion should be separated
(Read the whole debate)

Second negative: John Surname

Sorry this post is late.

You see, last night I was visited by the Ghost Of Christmas Past. He visits every year to teach me the meaning of Christmas, and to also remind about why I should feed the cat. We also talked about how MB stole the premise of her response from the Michael Moore book Stupid White Men. It was so obviously fake. Like God is a woman and emails bloggers.

“Fooooor shaaaaaaame!!” he cried.

Despite what MB wants you to believe, religion and politics have been entwined forever. Since the days of the Egyptians, religious rules have guided the laws, and without question, they have been a smashing success.

The moment that we remove religion from politics, and allow laws to be made for logical instead of moral reasons is the day that we live as animals. If we removed religion from politics unspeakable things would happen:

1. Homosexuals would get rights
Where would we be if a bunch of immoral pillow biters were given the same rights as ordinary humans? We all know that teh gays are out to corrupt us all with their homosexual lifestyle. We know that teh gays want to teach Buggery 101 at primary schools. We know that on average gay people are less moral than normal people. If we allowed them to marry each other, the world would collapse upon itself. It is a ridiculous notion, since they all choose their sexual orientation anyway. They need to be taught how to be straight. It’s a lot more effective than giving them basic human rights.

2. Magazines
Think about how the magazines would feel? If there was no religion, they wouldn’t be able to report on pastors smoking crystal meth and screwing male prostitues. The editors wouldn’t be able to feed their children, who subsequently would starve to death. This would cause a chain famine and the entire world would collapse.

3. Football
Football is a religion to some morons. Politicians pretend to like football in order to get votes. Steve Fielding suggested that Geelong build a giant football, which makes you wonder what the hell he is smoking.

Oh, yeah. Crack.

If you take football out of politics all you will wind up with is a large population of disenchanted bogans who refuse to vote because the politicians won’t connect with them.

So they get carted off to gaol, away from their families. Their children respond badly, and start using drugs to quell the pain. Before long they’re dealing. Then they’re also in gaol. This creates a generational problem in which the entire fabric of society tears and the universe collapses upon itself.

Thus, I submit to you that removing religion from politics would lead to the destruction of the universe.

Thank you.

That politics and religion should be separated
(Read the whole debate)

Second affirmative: Magic Bellybutton

I’d like to thank John for letting everyone know that I was right.

What, you didn’t catch it? Go back and reread what he wrote.

Did you see it?

Yes Virginia, he said I used a “fake” hypothetical.

Given that a hypothetical is by its very nature based on an untruth, by saying mine was fake he was actually saying it was a fake fake, that is, true. Thank you, John. Much appreciated.

Now funnily enough, I got an email on Friday from a most unexpected correspondent. They asked that I pass a message on to you. Given who it was, I couldn’t bring myself to say no (click for larger, more readable image):

Now, anyone who says you cannot do things because of something that is written in the Bible is a dickhead of the highest order. (That’s right, I swear. Those of you who are shocked really need to move with the times. Geez.) Furthermore, when it is a politician (why I created them I do not know. They are sooooo skeezy. Sorry, where was I? Oh yes.) When it is a politician who is telling you what you can and cannot do and they are using my novel as the basis for their fascist dictates, they are really crossing the line. Pete (St Peter) is under strict instructions not to let them into Heaven – we don’t need their kind here. Seriously. They’re a Downer. (Heh heh. See what I did there?)

Anyway, religion and politics do not belong together. It was never intended that way. Religion is really just a way for those lacking imagination and intelligence to deal with day-to-day life. I notice that John speaks (in My Name no less!) of Tony Abbott. Man, that guy really gives me the shits. How dare he tell women what they can do with their bodies! And governments have no right to say you cannot marry the person you love. My Me!

Religion is not the moral yardstick of the populace. There are some obvious things that you just don’t do (if I have to spell them out, then we need to talk) and I generally find most people are moral by nature. It is instinctive to do the right thing and not harm others. As you were growing out of the primordial ooze billions of years ago, I made a deal with Mother (Nature) that you would develop what is now called a conscience. Your own personal morals are what should guide you in most cases, and politicians have no right to dictate to you what your morals should be. As long as you are not harming anyone or anything, I don’t really have a problem with it.

Politicians need to stick to what they allegedly know best – how to run the country, making sure that ALL people are looked after, regardless of race, religion, bank balance, gender or sexuality.

In addition, I do not tell people to go to war. War is the very last resort. Like when that horrid Adolf started persecuting Jews and saying they were “dirty”. (Now there’s a man who knew what dirty was. You should have seen the stuff he and Eva got up to in that bunker!) His behaviour towards the Jews was completely immoral and people were right to ensure that his evil did not spread further. I’m still trying to clean up the mess he made. And he was a politician.

Don’t mix your politics and religion. I don’t want to come back down there.

(Oh, and I would NEVER talk to that moron George W Bush. What a tool. Mo’ – Mohammed - hates him too. Keeps bugging me to smite his arse. But I’m trying to cut down on the smiting. Gives me indigestion.)

She went on a bit more but it’s not really relevant here. I’ll post the rest of Her email on my blog this weekend. She really is quite entertaining! (How did I know it was Her? She knew things I’ve never told a soul.)

I’ve managed to make it nearly 32 years without acting immorally. And I don’t even try that hard to be moral. It comes naturally. I’m offended that politicians would make laws based on a religion that I find irrelevant. They trust us to vote them in, they should trust us to behave in the best interests of not just ourselves, but others.

That politics and religion should be separated
(Read the whole debate)

First negative: John Surname

“And God said, let there be light! And Lo, there was. The Lord was very pleased with this new invention, because now he could get a suntan. But he wasn’t finished yet. He knew he would have to find something to fuck up his creation. It was too perfect for the humans he was yet to create. The Lord stood to his full height and thundered “LET THERE BE POLITICIANS!”

Good morning distinguished guests, bloggers and assorted riff-raff. I am John Surname and for the next 600 words I’d like to present the negative side of this debate.

You see, what Magic Bellybutton knows and essentially ignored is that God is the original politician. He is the ultimate politician. You can protest. You can demand a recount. You can even vote for the Greens, but He has declared himself President-For-Life and there ain’t nothin’ you can do about it. Just like John Howard, God believes in the illusion of choice. We can vote Labor, and we can vote Liberal, we can even vote for God’s favourite party, Family First but it doesn’t make any difference as He is still calling the shots as leaders from all parties are too pathetic and lowly to reject Him.

God not only believes in capital punishment, He invented it. If you tried to pull any shit in His time he would smite you with a thunderbolt from the sky. God also invented Homophobia, and hasn’t that one lasted? In fact, many of our laws today derive from His parchment, The Best Little Whorehouse in Sodom (later renamed the Bible).

My esteemed opponent chose to imagine what life would be like if politics were controlled by a fake religion. That is rubbish. Scientology will never be in control as He wouldn’t allow it. Instead of making up fake hypotheticals, let’s see what good religion has done in politics:

1. Tony Abbott.
Tony Abbott is not only one of Australia’s finest politicians, he is one of Australia’s finest men. His loyal devotion to the Lord, and opposition to RU486 (known by God as Satan’s Pill) has earned him a special place in Heaven. The Lord believes that we should all strive to be more like Tony Abbott, and less like 50 Cent.

2. The Crusades.
Although the Crusades weren’t always successful, the Lord thought they were awesome and absolutely supported their aims. Even though they never took back the Holy Lands, the Crusaders got the last laugh as they are in Heaven, and the Muslims, like all Muslims, are burning in Hell.

3. The Iraq War
The Iraq War was an excellent piece of foreign policy that tops the achievements of the glorious Bush Administration. Bush has been reported as saying that God told him to do it. My source tells me this is entirely true.

4. Family First.
The Lord thinks Family First are, quote, “Lyk totally genius man!”. His favourite part is the clever way they hide their religious beliefs under the banner of “families”. God thinks this is hilarious because He doesn’t give a shit about families, Hell, he even allowed his own son to die. The truth of the matter is, Family First are a prank played on us by Steve Fielding (in consultation with God). I mean, how to do you think Steve Fielding wound up in the Senate? You can’t tell me there wasn’t more than a little divine intervention there!

In concluding, it frankly doesn’t matter what you do or who you vote for, as the moral standards He set down thousands of years ago still govern our lives today. He is President-For-Life and will remain so until the Sun swallows the Earth is a spectacular lightshow that we will all miss, but he will enjoy quite thoroughly.

That politics and religion should be separated
(Read the whole debate)

First affirmative: Magic Bellybutton

When I said “be gentle” I didn’t mean give me the easy argument – I meant let me win regardless! Never mind. What is done is done.

My jejune competitor is going to try to bamboozle you with ghetto talk and fake personal ads, to cover up the lack of veracity in his arguments. He’ll probably try to pull the old “religious people are liars as are politicians ergo they belong together” trick. That’s a pathetic ruse. I would never resort to cheap gags to win my argument.

Let us take one religion and apply it to the Australian parliament.

Dig, if you will, the picture of Scientologists in charge of our country. Contrary to what those of us who are grounded in reality know, Scientology is a religion. Yes my friends, aliens are among us, and what better place for them to be than in Parliament.

Well, no actually. See, the basis of Scientology is that our souls come from the Galactic Confederacy and a megalomaniac alien named Xenu bombed the living shit out of them (no doubt ’cause he didn’t like the colour of their skin).

The remaining bits are known as thetans and they are what have infested the human beings on this planet, causing harm. Blah blah blah, hand over thousands of dollars and allegedly reach enlightenment (control the rouge thetans or something. I don’t know the details, sue me. It’s not exactly an interesting story.)

Basically, the country would be run by a bunch of people who think they are really from another planet and they only need to keep giving money to their church, become enlightened, then move beyond the physical plane, leaving the rest of us to fend for ourselves. Not really operating in the best interests of the general public, is it?

Imagine before each cabinet sitting, the PM forcing the ministers to watch Battlefield Earth. Surely voters would see that no one deserves that – not even politicians.

Instead of Senate enquiries, people would be “audited”. Before voting on the newly introduced bill to allow gay marriage (the person who introduced it sent off to be re-educated), Senators would be required to disclose whether nor not they’d ever had homosexual thoughts, and the new Senate rules would prevent them from casting a vote because they have biased points of view. Hell, Bob Brown and Penny Wong wouldn’t even be allowed to run for Senate!

Required reading for all schoolchildren would be the entire oeuvre of L Ron Hubbard. Mmmmmm… thrilling. Before running for office you’d have to take “parliamentarian tests” to ensure you know your Hubbard. You could guarantee that only the most dedicated Scientologists would be running for office.

The PM wouldn’t be voted for by the members of the ruling party either. Oh no. As an OT III or above, you would automatically be in the running. The higher the OT level, the more likely you are to become PM. When Hubbard eventually returns to earth (all Scientologists know that he will), he will automatically become PM. Theocracy at work!

Once they’ve taken over the government, they’ll move into your home. Criticise Scientology – your family will shun you and you be sent to a detention centre to be re-educated. You’ll spend the rest of your life working to pay off your time spent there because the extensive mandatory “auditing” will have to be paid for by you.

Spending on public health would be down – all anyone needs to fix most ailments is some sunshine and a nice big smile! All that extra cash would be used to build training centres and fund the Fair Game policy that allows for the church to discredit anyone who is critical of their practices. All for the good of the country, you understand.

Just think - Tom Cruise for PM. Kirstie Alley as Deputy. (She’d need to be Health Minister. Make sure all those people who believe they are depressed just get out and get some sunshine. Round up all the psychiatrists before they start WW3.) James Packer would be Treasurer. He’d run the place just as well as he did One-Tel.

Aliens. Imaginary friends. One True Way. In short, religion makes people crazy. Do you want your country run by a bunch of nutbags whose sanity is holding on by the thinnest of threads?

GrodsCageFight 2: That politics and religion should be separated

John Surname

vs.

Magic Bellybutton

The people has spoken and Magic Bellybutton will argue the affirmative case in GrodsCageFight 2 against John Surname. The first blow will be struck tomorrow afternoon. Stay tuned.

Laydeeez and gennelmen! Welcome to the return of GrodsCorp’s world famous feature where members of the GrodsTeam take on other Australian bloggers in no-holds-barred GrodsCageFighting (read the first GrodsCageFight here). Just like high school debating, but better and dirtier, each GrodsCageFight will see our two greased-up competitors take to the stage and debate for or against a proposition. Each will receive three turns to out-manoeuvre their opponent in verbal and logical trickery along with a healthy dose of personalised vitriol and virtual kicking-in-the-nuts-when-the-other-isn’t-looking. The only rule is that each turn of the debate can be no longer than 750 words. All other bets are off.

The topic for this GrodsCageFight is: That politics and religion should be separated

And just like Australian Idol, you get to have a say in how this blogospheric catfight takes place. Readers have about two days to vote for which blogger argues affirmative and who argues negative. But first, let’s meet our beefy lad and ladette:

John Surname
Dashing. Intelligent. Does it four times a night. These words have been used to describe Ralph Fiennes, and John Surname believes the time will come when he too can make passionate love to a Qantas flight attendant who moonlights as a prosititue, although it might wind up being the other way round. When he isn’t being held in police custody for attempted regicide or indecent exposure, you’ll find him hassling innocent strangers at Flinders Street Station for latte money.

Magic Bellybutton
Magic Bellybutton is a 31 year-old potty mouth who likes to spout opinion which probably isn’t valid or verifiable. She likes to talk big but often runs like a girl from a good smack-down so this cagefight will probably cause her to curl up in a ball under her kitchen table and weep. This is her first ever debate. Be gentle.
(Magic Bellybutton blogs at the eponymous Magic Bellybutton)

So make sure you cast your votes for the affirmative speaker, readers — that is, the speaker you want to argue for separation of church and state. The results will be tallied at 5pm on Thursday and whoever scores affirmative will strike the first blow by 5pm on Friday. From that point each contestant has 48 hours after their opponent’s turns to post their response. At the conclusion of the GrodsCageFight readers will again have the chance to vote for the winning CageFighter. The prize is everlasting glory and some sort of pathetic logo to whack in the “meta” section of their blog and forget about. Think Iron Chef, but on the internet, not about cooking, and nowhere near as popular.

May the most unethical and ruthless blogger win!

And the hordes have spoken. Congratulations to Tommy on a 7 to 3 victory over The Editor. It could’ve been 8 to 3 but “fake name” stated that The Editor “sucks donkey penis” which, despite being a fairly damning criticism, is not technically a vote against me.

So well done to both CageFighters. I think Matt summed the whole thing up best when he said: “[Neither] argument was particularly persuasive, coherent, useful or convincing.” But at least we got to bag some people out and it gave us a handy excuse to procrastinate on the internet instead of doing things we really should’ve been doing.

Stay tuned for GrodsCageFight 2, readers. Negotiations are underway and it should hit your computer monitors within a fortnight.

Time to vote for the CageFighter that you thought best executed their argument and their opponent in the first GrodsCageFight: That All Bloggers Are Full Of Shit.

Only votes registered in the comments of this post will be counted so no sly voting over at Tommy’s site or somewhere else on GrodsCorp. For the record, state the reason you are voting for Tommy or The Editor.

Voting closes at 5pm Sunday. Elisha Cuthbert has been contacted regarding trophy presentation and is getting back to us.

May the best blogger win, or at least the one who offers his readers and mates the best bribes.

UPDATE: Elisha’s management has been in touch and they have been gracious enough to provide this image which will adorn the website of the winning CageFighter.

That all bloggers are full of shit
Third negative: The Editor
(Read the whole debate)

So just like Tommy said, almost 3000 words have been blogged in the GrodsCage and I have a sinking feeling that anything I bother writing here is going to make b(l)og-all difference to the adjudication of this debate. My opponent has had a very successful crack at proving the world’s most obvious claim: that all bloggers are full of shit. In the course of our CageFight he has pointed to some excellent examples of shit-filled bloggers, including himself. In defence I’ve tried hard to posit that some bloggers aren’t totally filled with shit through the use of technicalities, but the force of Tommy’s affirmative arguments has been almost overwhelming (even though I’ve been funnier.)

I’m spent. I’ve got nothing left to give.

However, after briefly considering forfeiting the contest and taking GrodsCorp offline in disgrace, I have decided to give it one final red-hot go. Drawing on the spirit of the Queensland Liberal/National coalition — who are now blatantly chasing the sympathy vote in tomorrow’s state election — I’m going to appeal to my readers’ sense of pity and inbuilt support for the underdog.

You see, ladies and gentlemen. The blogosphere is full of shit and it’s only getting worse. Regardless of how useful bloggers may once have been there are two main ways in which the reputation of blogging is being further soiled every day:

(a) People like Iain Hall who believe that they’re making valuable contributions to the sum total of human understanding and knowledge one filthy and illiterate blog post at a time. But that’s just one remote outpost of rural Queensland. Multiply Iain Hall by a couple of million and it’s a truly frightening prospect. And just for the record, I’m highly aware of my own full-of-shit status, but a lot more realistic about the likely social, political and global influence of my blog.

(b) The commercialisation of blogging whereby the whole concept of blogging is hijacked and twisted to serve the nasty purposes of corporations like McDonalds and news organisations like The Sydney Morning Herald and News Ltd. I’ve written before about how journalists are giving up on journalism in favour of publishing the opinions of Kevin from Bathurst as news (Hi, Kev!)

Add to that the billions of assorted emo and MySpace blogs, along with one GrodsCorp and one TommyIsCoolDotCom, and there’s no doubt that the blogosphere is a generally shitty place. But let’s, for a moment, consider what could’ve been and what is still possible.

Blogging represents the democratisation of information flow. Whereas 20 years ago Kevin from Bathurst was dependant upon his local newspaper, and television and radio stations for news and comment, thanks to the internet and blogging Kevin from Bathurst now is the news and comment. What if Kevin from Bathurst offered researched, well-formed and reasonably articulated writing to the world that made a valuable contribution to wider debates about politics, society and the human condition? What if it was possible to turn to the blogosphere as another source from which information and opinion could be gathered and critically incorporated into one’s worldview? Can it be that amongst the mountains and piles and avalanches of shit blogging there is but one blogger whose work was the first building block of the respectable blogosphere? Can it be that there is one blogger out there who is not full of shit?

After three attempts to prove that not all bloggers are full of shit my final message to you, ladies and gentlemen, is that you should dare to dream. Dream of a world where blogging is a noble and admirable pursuit. Dream of a world where blogging can make a difference. Dream that somewhere out there is a blogger who will defy the current trends and trigger a blogging revolution.

If you dare to dream, ladies and gentlemen, vote affirmative for negative. Vote yes for no. Dare to dream and vote for The Editor.

Make a difference.

I rest my case.

That all bloggers are full of shit
Third affirmative: Tommy
(Read the whole debate)

After minutes of effort, we’ve finally come to this. My last response. The third affirmative. The big one. The one that people will talk about for seconds to come.

And what has the discussion turned to, after Ed’s skillful dodging of his case resting?

Me.

I can’t say I’m shocked, I am a little attention whore. I just figured I would be the one making the debate about me. But I didn’t want it like this. I mean, choosing between my own competitiveness and my own dignity! Do I say ‘Yes, I’m full of shit’, win the debate and upload a video of me stripping? Or do I say ‘No, I am not full of shit’ and keep my pride? And then upload a video of me stripping?

There’s no easy solution. Dignity and pride, or the glory of winning a meanginless debate on the all-important BLOGOSPHERE?

Hmm…

I’ll take glory for $500, thanks Alex.

I AM FULL OF SHIT.
A conclusion, by Tommy

Let’s take a look at Ed’s evidence first.

That Homo Marriage blog? Full of shit. I mean, I linked opposition to gay marriage to the White Australia policy. I made it seem like if you let Bert and Ernie tie the knot, that you may as well hook up old Jethro to a cross and have some Kentucky Fried Negro. Full of shit.

The Wil Anderson blog - I said, and I quote, ‘I’m not saying I’m funnier than Wil Anderson’. That’s bullshit. I am absolutely funnier than Wil Anderson. I also said that I wasn’t saying ‘I was better than him’, which is also bullshit, because I don’t spell my name ‘Tomy’ like a little consonant-excluding cockmuncher. Ergo - better than him.

My Guide To Middle Australia - Ok, this one was awesome. But, I made a Kim Beazley fat joke - the same tired old comedy I bagged out Wil Anderson for. Therefore, I was hypocritical, and, you guessed it - full of shit.

And these specific examples ignore just how full of shit my blog is. First off, my name isn’t Tommy, that’s my nickname. My name is Gareth. And this may shock you, but I’m really not that cool. I mean, I’m not uncool, I have a leather jacket, but I’m pretty middle of-the-road. Hell, the name of my blog is TommyIsCoolDotCom, and I don’t even own that domain. More bullshit. And according to the person that does own the domain, Seattle is Beautiful in the Spring. Considering it’s in one of the coldest states in America, MORE bullshit. I’m even indirectly full of shit!

Now I could sit here for days and pick apart my own blog. I’m my own worst enemy. It’s horrible. It’s almost as bad as say, admitting to liking Rolf Harris shows. But it’s time to end this charade, to win this cage fight once and for all, like Don Muraco over ‘Superfly’ Jimmy Snuka at Madison Square Garden in 1983, only this time Jimmy Snuka won’t come back into the blog and give me a Superfly Splash from the top of the cage. You’re such a sore loser, Superfly Jimmy Snuka.

Anyway, now is the part where I make a callback to my first blog, making it seem like I have a coherent argument and a logical train of thought. As I said there, bloggers bullshit. They bullshit so much they turn it into a verb. You want proof? Me and Ed have spent nearly 3000 words debating whether or not bloggers are full of shit, on an internet blog.

And there were no pictures of boobies.

If that’s not full of shit, I don’t know what is.

I rest my case.

That all bloggers are full of shit
Second negative: The Editor
(Read the whole debate)

It might be handy to begin my rebuttal of Tommy’s last piece by looking at the definition of the word “case”. In light of that definition it will quickly become apparent that I was merely resting my “piece of luggage that can be used to transport an apparatus such as a sewing machine”, for it was becoming quite heavy. Thankyou timekeeper, adjudicator, and students of Our Lady for hosting this event.

Before continuing I’d like to make a brief point about how I could win this thing without any trouble at all.

You see, to try and expose a single blogger that is not full of shit I could simply point to examples such as eggbaconshipsandbeans — a favourite food porn site of mine. I enjoy reading these factual posts with lovely factual pictures of English breakfast fry-ups to remind myself of those wonderful days I spent in London. If the man says there are red formica tables, vinegar at every place, chunky yellow chips, and he backs it up with photographic evidence, who are we to argue?

Or I could point to GrodsCorp’s very own jLo whose travel blog proves that she is far from full of shit, rather she is full of highly amusing tales and, more often than not, beer.

But where would the fun be in that?

Instead, having been forced by (un)popular vote to argue a side of this debate that is almost certainly unwinnable due to probable voting trends, I must at this point consider how it is that I can best drag Tommy down with me as I crash and burn. I must ensure that in sealing his victory Tommy has no choice but to use his final turn to eat his own liver. With this in mind, ladies and gentlemen, by the conclusion of this argument I will have shown you why I believe that Tommy – a blogger – is not full of shit. This brilliant strategy guarantees that Tommy has no option but to dedicate his final 750 words to destroying any last scrap of credibility and pride he may still posses; that is, after being totally humbled last time around by Iain Hall.

1) Tommy has a human side

Regardless of his tendency to attack anyone/thing different to him, he has actually written a well-argued, well-considered and admirable piece about political intolerance of homosexual marriage:

As I’ve said before on this blog, I’m a different strokes (hehe strokes) for different folks kinda guy. I don’t care who you worship (unless you’re a Mormon), who you vote for (unless it’s Liberal) or who you want to shag (unless they’re ugly).

There’s also a really nice pic of kissing lesbians at the bottom.

2) Tommy hates Wil Anderson
It’s a totally normal reaction to a totally ordinary talent:

I hate the way he sucks in his saliva after he makes a joke. I hate that his name only has one L, and how I only realised that after I wrote ‘Will’ twenty-five times in this blog. I hate the way he speaks. I hate the way he always laughs at his own jokes.

I mean, who can argue with that kind of logic?

3) Tommy makes biting social comment casually disguised as humour

Check out this scathing-but-spot-on assessment of the concept of “middle Australia”:

Middle Australia is not something you can define. It’s an intangible construct, derived from post-modern concepts of our very existence. A veritable paradox of disenfranchisement in the information anti-disestablishmentarianism jimmybingbong era.

I could’ve picked out three noxious examples from my own blog, put them forward as beacons of superior blogging, and waited for their subsequent annihilation by my worthless worthy foe. However there are far too many shit-filled posts to choose from and I lack the resilience to deal with that sort of negative attention. Also, I’d hate to give Iain Hall any ammunition to go off and post on his dirty corner of the internet the blog equivalent of a smug, shit-eating grin of an I told you so entry. So, Tommy, with your own blogging in the spotlight it’s over to you. Will you accept the fact that you are not completely full of shit and therefore forfeit the debate to me, or will you suck it in and prove your shitfilledness in order to claim victory?

My case is, once again, resting.