Look, I’ve been a bit distracted these past two weeks, okay? I know I’m the first GrodsTeam member among equal GrodsTeam members and I have a responsibility to keep posting and commenting on this website, but sometimes real life walks into the blogging room wearing a ticking vest of shit-to-fuck-your-life-up bombs and martyrs itself. So shut up. Here are a few GrodsNibbles I’ve jotted down recently.

1) Iguanagate
I’ve been very much out of the news loop this past week or so and the whole “Iguanagate” “scandal” bemuses me. Ken L at Road To Surfdom summed it up beautifully when he wrote this.

It’s remarkable how being out of Australia for even 10 days, liberated from daily exposure to the news, can provide fresh perspectives on life.

On arriving home I found that the story du jour was about something called ‘iguanagate’ – the very name reeked so much of triviality and childishness that I couldn’t be bothered trying to find out what it was all about.

I mean, seriously. Is this the most important political issue in this country? Even in the top 100? If someone was visiting this country and picked up a paper to see what’s going down politicially they’d be within their rights to consider our nation to be a total joke. As my kids at school say in these instances: What. Evah. Maaaaaan.

2) Nelson Iguanagate doorstop gold
Of course Bren-doc Nelson has jumped on this total non-issue faster than a customs official on a heroin-filled condom that fell out of a smuggler’s arse. In a doorstop yesterday he gave four long answers to hard-hitting journalist questions, crapping on about how Belinda Neal and the Labor Party are destroying democracy, but did a brilliant u-turn and quickly aborted the interview when a journalist changed the course of the questioning and addressed a much more important issue.

QUESTION: A Labor official claims that the racist pamphlets handed out during the election campaign in the seat of Lindsay were created in a Liberal MPs office. What do you think about these claims and should there be some sort of investigation?

DR NELSON: Well, as we know from the Iguana Joe incident, Labor people will say and do anything.

Thanks.

P to the W to the N to the E to the D.

3) Rolling stock belongs to laughing stock
Australia’s most useless public transport minister, Lynne Kosky, has claimed that she didn’t release tender documents to the public (leaked recently by the Liberal opposition) because the uneducated plebs might find them “confusing”. Of course the public would find them confusing; after reading them I’m at a loss to work out how the government could possibly screw the system even more. In an effort to attract bids for running a system that is already at 100% capacity with no prospect of real investment in infrastructure, the Labor government is offering to reimburse most of the costs of tendering and restrict fines for bad service.

Disgraceful. Just disgraceful.

4) JB Hi-Fi is, like, so gnarly, dude
It’s official: JB Hi-Fi’s catalogues are written by 11 year olds.

I certainly felt the sickness when I read this

1) Sunrise
They love Channel Seven’s Sunrise at my gym. It’s on all the televisions and I can’t escape the brain cell-killing, journalism-defiling, populist mundanery when I’m there before work in the mornings. Last week I saw two things that had me groaning out loud:

* A news item voiceover went something like this: “A new survey reveals that Victorians are becoming more tolerant of Asians. It shows that we are more accepting of them in our communities.” The overlay pictures? A smiling white man purchasing groceries from a smiling Asian woman in a corner store.

* The sports “reporter” told us about his experience at the V8 Supercar launch the previous night, spending about 30 seconds on the cars and drivers and two minutes on the V8 Supercar XXXX dancing girls (complete with overlay footage of XXXX dancing girls consisting almost entirely of gratuitous closeups of the girls’ wiggling arses.) After the “reporter” threw back to Cocky Kochy we saw Mel holding her head in her hands. Kochy — being the SNAG we all know him as — asked the “reporter” to talk some more about the XXXX girls. So he did. For another minute. With the footage playing on a loop.

2) Cops with cultural awareness
Whilst walking my bike home the other day I witnessed Victoria’s finest displaying their celebrated cultural sensitivity. A cop on a motorcycle pulled over next to an Asian man in a car at the lights. The cop asked the man to turn left and pull over. The light turned green and the man drove straight through the lights and pulled over. The cop pulled up behind the man, got off his motorbike angrily and stormed up the driver’s window.

COP: (screaming) Why did you drive straight through the lights! I told you to turn left!
MAN: (confused) Uuuh…
COP: (still screaming) When a police officer tells you to do something you have to do it!
MAN: (confused) Uuuh…
COP: (getting hoarse) So if I told you to turn left why did you go straight ahead?
MAN: (panicking) Uuuh…
COP: (normal speaking volume) Um, do you speak English?
MAN: Uuuh…

3) ABC branding
ABC TV has introduced new logos to differentiate between its current and future television channels. As with everything else on ABC this idea has been imported from the UK’s BBC.

Now, watermarking (the faint or not-so-faint white translucent station logo in the corner of the screen) is not a new phenomenon but the ABC have started slapping the new logos on their stream at about 20% transparency and about 150% the size they should be. Fucking distracting, to say the least.

4) Cloverfield
Went to see Cloverfield last night. It was okay — not crap, not brilliant, just okay. The motion sickness thing that I’ve heard all about is totally true because I’ve never seen so many film walkouts in a non-film festival film. I reckon easily a dozen people left, including the girl sitting next to me (not McBec, who was sitting the other side of me.) This poor woman felt so crap that she emptied her giant popcorn on the ground and held the empty container under her face for a while before getting up to leave.

I’ve got to admit that I felt a bit woozy at times and even had to close my eyes once or twice when the handycam wobble got a little bit too much for me. However, McBec, who is the ultimate carsick chick, didn’t feel a thing!

5) Orthographic fascism
When we got home from Cloverfield we watched the end of Ghostbusters on Channel Ten (great film) and the first twenty minutes of Bad Boys just to laugh at Will Smith’s ’90s haircut and Martin Lawrence’s ’90s clothes. In this time I noticed two errors:

* A sign at the entrance to a helipad read: “Authorization Personnel Only”
* A title on a computer screen read: “Guards desk”

I’m so anal I disgust even myself.

Not much time to blog today so it’s time for another of GrodsCorp’s completely irregular series of GrodsNibbles.

1) No manners, no service
So I’m at an interschool sports carnival yesterday nursing the largest fuck-off hangover I’ve had in a while (an Irish friend of mine was in town for a few days and could only meet on a school night.) It’s cold and very windy, and every now and again it rains for a bit. I’m doing crowd control with dozens of hyperactive kids. It goes without saying that I wasn’t having a very good time.

At 11am the canteen finally opens and two hundred hungry kids run screaming to spend all their money on sugar. I canter gingerly with them to get a cup of tea or even just a cup of hot water — anything hot. There is a big handwritten sign over the cash register that reads: No Manners, No Service. Two bitter old hags man the shop and it’s clear they’ve written the sign. Instead of rejoicing the fact that their sports club is going to make a killing from the hordes of customers they’re standing there bitching about it.

“I can’t believe it’s this busy.”
“God, I hate kids.”
“Got no manners these days.”

They reluctantly serve the lines of kids who, despite being over-excited, are polite to the old bitches but can’t avoid their wrath. I finally reach the front of the line and briefly consider giving them a piece of my mind but my mind is still soaking in a pool of stale whisky, so I politely give my order.

“Can I have a cup of tea please?” I ask.
“White with no sugar?” croaks the witch.
“Um, one sugar, please,” I reply.
“Well!” screeches the hag, “Why didn’t you say so? I can’t read minds, you know.”

I tried to make the gears in my head turn faster so I could come up with a suitable response to this stunning bitchiness but before I could come up with anything she limped off mumbling to briefly dunk a bag of Lipton Black Tea in a cup of tepid water.

My day failed to improve from that point.

2) More Prodos
Prodos has launched his doomed campaign for the State seat of Albert Park with a garden BBQ. If you thought Lachlan Connor’s campaign launch party was lame, you ain’t seen nothing yet. After the BBQ Prodos was in Acland St “mixing it” and talking to “a group of young dudes who were interested in talking about respecting wealth and the rights of both the rich and poor, and the injustice of using taxes to force people to ‘help’ others — instead of allowing individuals to choose who they wanted to help and how – according to their own values – not the values of politicians and bureaucrats.” Funky.

It seems that GrodsCorp isn’t the only one who’s critical of Prodos’ self-proclaimed intellectualism and critical thought. Came across this the other day:

Who will be Father Bob’s new representative for the Victorian parliament? Prodos.

I don’t know if I should be amused or afraid. I’ll lean towards afraid for now.

He lives up the road a little, he’s an Australian Greek, a capitalist, an activist, and something of an Objectivist. Not too bright, not too insightful, not too good at running his over-engineeired capitalism meet-ups either- and I’ve been to enough to know!

I’m fairly unflappable, and the last to care about Ayn Rand’s personality, but the last time we were together there was smoke comming out of my ears as he bungled his way though misinforming those gathered about the nature of our philosophy. Raising my hand to be able to speak, being 4th in line to do so, at a table of 7 people (for god’s sakes! as if it would be anarchy without his damn gavel…)…had me spluttering and self-combusting and politely asked to stop “snorting.” Meanwhile, Ayn Rand gets put through the mincer! And, if I ever see Prodos scratch his head and ask what the word “normative” means, I’m either going to laugh or cry.

Ouch.

3) Pee-off
Was having a quick bite in a Little Bourke St restaurant with aforementioned Irish friend and McBec the other night, when I went to the little boys room to answer my frequent call of nature. Standing at the urinal doing my thing I glanced around the room and saw a large container of cleaning liquid next the line of urinals.

It’s called Pee-Off, it’s stored in the dunny, and it’s for ovens and grills?

It’s been a bit quiet around GrodsCorp in the last week, with the only new content being J,The’s anti-ALP braindump. I’ve been down the beach for a week getting some sun and quality book time and during that time filed away a number of GrodsNibbles in the “blog later” section of my memory.

1) Pauline Hanson desperately seeking attention and money
The broken down, has been, flash-in-a-pan, intellectually challenged, xenophobic political relic has been widely criticised for her latest bout of attention seeking through her declaration of a run for parliament in ‘07 timed, entirely coincidentally, with the launch of her new book. However, what has been totally overlooked by everyone so far is the fact that Hanson is making another bald-faced grab for taxpayer money. At the ‘04 election Hanson ran for parliament in NSW and, despite coming nowhere near victory, pocketed a neat $190,000 of taxpayer cash for her trouble. Obviously Ms Hanson has decided to stick her nose in the taxpayer trough once more which is totally cool if you’re a white, Christian, middle Australian, but not if you’re one of those filthy, bludging Aboriginals or a ghetto-dwelling immigrant.

2) ALP leadership: Hallelujah!
GrodsCorp has been calling for Beazley leadership change since 1 August 2005 and this week our wish came true. I’m no great fan of Rudd (certainly not as anti as J,The) but have been impressed by his work in this first week. He certainly seems to have high recognition in the electorate thanks to his weekly appearances on Channel Seven’s Sunrise (if you were looking for a single program that reaches “middle Australia” then you needn’t look much further) and if he can let his obvious intelligence come to the fore without coming across as academic and elitist then I think he will make an effective leader.

Would’ve preferred Julia Gillard, though. And what’s with the subservient woman thing that she did throughout the entire leadership campaign? Standing dutifully next to Rudd, the man and leader, staring lovingly and barely saying a word? You’re better than that, Julia, and I hope it doesn’t become a feature of your deputy leadership.

3) Channel Nine’s cricket Hotspot camera
What a joke. Goobermetrics calls Channel Nine’s latest effort Crotchspot because its only real use seems to be in confirming that, yes, the player’s groinal area is producing heat. Hotspot works great when the ball smacks the meat of the bat, leaving a bright and undeniable mark, but whenever the camera is called upon after a genuine edge or moment of bat/pad confusion the commentators are forced to draw little circles around invisible “hot spots” and defend the usefulness of this utterly useless “innovation”.

And speaking of commentators, hasn’t the UK’s Channel 4 coverage of last year’s Ashes broadcast on SBS put Channel Nine to shame. Wasn’t it refreshing to have actual analysis of the game last time around as opposed to the brainless and insulting schmaltz that passes for informed commentary by the likes of Messrs Greig, Slater, Healy and Taylor. Why didn’t Channel Nine spend the money they sunk into Hotspot on a respectable commentary team?

1) Feds accept Peak Oil
In a blow to those who deny the theory of Peak Oil, a Senate committee looking into the future of oil and its impact on Australia has announced in its interim report that it accepts Peak Oil as highly likely within about 20 years and that we should get off our arses and do something about it. Of course, this is a blow to “charlatans” like Mangled Douglas who quotes from the world’s dodgiest looking website to prove that oil isn’t a fossil fuel after all, and that Steve Bracks and The Age (et al.) are responsible for a worldwide ruse:

The Gas Resources Corporation explains why oil is produced cehmically, deep below the mantle in abundance, and is not a ‘fossil fuel’. Indeed, the G.R.C. only illminates what, when carefully considered, stands as nothing less than dum beleif in magic, oil is a product of fossils.

2) Steve Irwin’s death huge around world
Just check out The Guardian’s top stories last week:

Bloody Brits letting a bit of cricket get ahead of a True Aussie Bloke.

3) Teflon Pete slides it in
In a campaign effort that will be immortalised in political studies textbooks (what not to do), the National/ Liberal coalition actually managed to lose more seats in yesterday’s election to a widely disliked and distrusted Queensland Labor party led by Peter Beattie. After this clear indication that the coalition’s appeal for a sympathy vote backfired, The Editor has now given up all hope and expects the same reaction in GrodsCageFight voting.

4) US Senate finds no link between Osama and Saddam
No shit.

Just two Nibbles today, readers. Ed’s been flat out with school placement and a nasty flu so back off.

1) Andrew Bolt crushing dissent at his blog
The Editor’s been squabbling with Bolta over at his brand-spanking blog (you can read the farcical — for Andrew — exchange over there) and wasn’t surprised to find that he has quickly tired of being forced to read contrary opinions, deciding to ban them:

Missy of Yarraville: This new format is awful. It’s like one of those pick up chat lines. Full of crazies. I prefered your editing out the loonies before Andrew, even if it did give a relatively one sided view. I read your articles as I have similar views and enjoy your opinions most of the time. Now all the hippy no brainers are taking over, once again…

Andrew replies: All right, Missy. I’ll SNIP a few more loons. In fact, I have started this new policy today. Let’s lift the standard.

2) Teflon Pete grades his minions
The Banana State’s Peter Beattie has stunned northern political pundits by not releasing a press release to announce the grading of his ministers’ performance by counting the number of press releases they have released. Confused? Try this:

The Premier didn’t issue a media release announcing he’d be counting the media releases but only because it was supposed to be a secret.

He did, however, uncharacteristically miss the opportunity to issue a media release saying that there would be no media release about the secret counting of media releases.

Thus the philosophy under which the Government operates was revealed – and it’s all about media releases.

(Via rdb)

1) Wankervision
Britain’s Channel 4 television will broadcast London’s first Masturbate-A-Thon later this year.

Cameras from independent production company Zig Zag, which made Essex Boys for ITV1, will follow the organisers and participants for a 60-minute film, which has the working title of Wank-a-thon. It is expected to air on Channel 4 towards the end of the year.

The event will encourage Londoners – both male and female – to sign up sponsors and head to Clerkenwell in order to masturbate in front of hundreds of others.

Zig Zag said in its blurb for the show: “This year it’s time to bring the event across the pond to see if the great British public can embrace mass public masturbation. It’s time to find out if the only things allowed to be stiff in Britain are upper lips.”

Prizes will be on offer for those who clock up the most orgasms and those who can masturbate the longest – the current record, according to the organisers, is a chafing eight-and-a-half hours.

After Big Brother wouldn’t Helen Coonan and Steve Fielding have fun with this one.

2) Australia’s first-class defence
Doesn’t this hilarious episode give you confidence in Australia’s ability to defend its airspace:

Australia’s fleet of 26 F-111 aircraft has been temporarily grounded following an emergency landing by one of the RAAF fighters in Queensland today.

Air Marshal Shepherd said the pilot of the fighter was one of the most junior with the F-111s, having graduated from the basic conversion course a fortnight ago.

“On takeoff … what happened was when he retracted the undercarriage .. the left main wheel fell off,” he said.

“The rapid assessment we’ve done shows that there’s nothing of an airworthiness nature that would cause us to doubt the longevity of the F-111 capability.”

The left wheel fell off. Off.

3) Two Chinese Boys
The whole interweb probably knows about this site already (The Editor’s always six months behind) but Ed reckons the Da Da Da song is the funniest thing he’s seen in ages.

4) Dirty deals?
Why is Prodos running the website of controversial sort of Liberal Party member and former advisor to Pauline Hanson, John Pasquarelli? Pasquarelli ran as a dummy independent candidate for Bendigo at the 2001 federal election to direct preferences towards the Liberals. The Australian Electoral Commission is investigating him.

1) Phil Maguire in the papers
GrodsRegular Phil Maguire receives a fairly even run in his least favourite media outlet, The Age.

2) Sepp loves suspenders

Back in the 1970s, Sepp Blatter was elected president of the World Society of Friends of Suspenders, an organisation formed to protest at “woman replacing suspender belts with pantyhose”. That, probably, is where he should have stayed. Instead, he gave hope to middle-aged fetishists everywhere by slithering up the greasy pole to become Fifa president.

3) No Jones bio
The ABC has decided not to publish its unauthorised biography of Alan Jones due to the threat of legal action. Meanwhile from The Australia Institute:

There is a widespread belief that Alan Jones can decide elections.

Drawing on demographic and attitudinal data from an extensive survey by Roy Morgan Research, Clive Hamilton shows that perceptions of Jones’ influence and political sway are out of proportion with the size and nature of his audience. His audience is about the same as a low-rating television program and highly concentrated among older listeners with well-established political allegiances.

4) So is she?
Somebody hit GrodsCorp last night with the search string “is jLo saucy?” So, jLo, are you?

1) John Howard is a dick

In typical John Howard fashion a camera was conveniently on hand during Australia’s win over Croatia to capture the spontaneous delight of our dinky-di sports-mad PM wearing his best green tracksuit. You know he’s the PM because he’s got the comfy chair and his mates have the dining table seats.

Looking at this photo, Ed was reminded of a great John Clarke and Bryan Dawe sketch the other night. An excerpt:

JOHN CLARKE: It was a great match. (Mobile phone rings and John Clarke answers) Just excuse me a minute, Bryan.

BRYAN DAWE: We’ve only got to draw this game to go through, don’t we?

JOHN CLARKE: Yes. (Talking on the mobile phone) Just a minute, Mr Howard, I’m just doing a live cross. Can I call you – just a minute. (Talking to Bryan) Sorry, Bryan.

BRYAN DAWE: Who is it?

JOHN CLARKE: It’s the Prime Minister – oh, yes, we’ve only got to draw this one. Actually, maybe I should take this, Bryan.

BRYAN DAWE: You should take the call.

JOHN CLARKE: Yes, certainly. Have you got a pencil? It’s soccer. Yes S-O-C-C-E-R. Yes, Croatia -

BRYAN DAWE: It’s in the former Yugoslavia!

JOHN CLARKE: You see, the idea is you’ve got to put that ball -

BRYAN DAWE: Into the net! Into the net!

JOHN CLARKE: Between the goal posts. In the net. You get one point. That’s a goal. That’s one. No, that’s good – one. No, one’s really good. You don’t convert it; you don’t get a conversion.

2) Channel Ten martyrs itself for the cause

Network Ten has blamed critics of the program for its decision to cut short its season of Big Brother – Adults Only.

Announcing the end of its season run, Ten today said it was confident Big Brother – Adults Only had complied with the Television Industry Code or Practice, and that the station had met undertakings on how it would produce the program.

“However, questions continue to be raised as to whether the show should be on air,” Ten said in a statement.

“We did not see that situation changing, regardless of how we treated the program, and that uncertainty was putting unfair pressure on our team.

“We have therefore decided the responsible and practical thing to do was conclude the show a few weeks early.”

Bullshit. As if the network would seriously bow to a dull chorus of Parliamentary disapproval that easily. The real reason is probably closer to a lack of saucy content and disappointing ratings. Nothing more than a convenient excuse.

3) jLo hurts for Oz
Over at her blog jLo describes the system she has used to ensure Australian success in every major sporting event of the last decade, and how the system worked for her in the Australia vs. Croatia match.

Most of you are familiar with the jLo Rules of Sport Spectatorship:

1. You have to barrack for where you come from; and
2. If things are going well, keep doing whatever you’re doing and vice versa.

These rules have generally served me well, and I make a point of observing them strictly. The second rule has led to some discomfort in the past – that Australian Open match where I had to watch through the window because every time I entered the room Rafter’s serve was broken, any number of Test matches where I wasn’t allowed to vacate the couch to visit the bathroom in case a wicket fell.

4) Yossarian’s identity stolen
Chasing up the recent identity theft incident, The Editor called St George Bank.
Ed: “I’d like you to tell me as much as you can about how a credit card was opened in my name.”
Customer Service Agent: “What’s your account password?”
Ed: “I don’t have one. I’m not, and have never been, a customer of St George Bank.”
CSA: “I’m afraid I can’t tell you any information about your account until you prove who you are.”
Ed: “You have no problem loaning $8000 to somebody who pretended to be me, but you won’t tell the real me any information about the account in my name.”
CSA: “What’s your account password?”
Ed: “Have you ever read any Joseph Heller?”
CSA: “Who?”

5) Aroused soldiers

Scientists have found a performance-enhancing drug that could be exploited by endurance athletes at high altitudes and soldiers in the mountains of Afghanistan: Viagra.

Last year the company won approval for Viagra, under the new name Revatio, to treat pulmonary hypertension, or high fluid pressure in the lungs.

Altitude researchers saw the potential of the drug because pulmonary hypertension is also an effect of exercise in oxygen-poor environments. As blood vessels constrict in the lungs, the heart has to work harder to pump blood through the body.

The latest study, conducted in a laboratory, measured the performance of 10 trained cyclists. It found that four of the cyclists had significant improvements in their times with a 50-milligram dose of Viagra but that a larger dose did not increase the benefit.

No answers provided in the article for the question we all want to ask.

6) “One-man blitzkrieg”
Is Prodos “out to wreck the [Liberal] Party at the polls out of, presumably pique, and to exact revenge for the savage, malicious treatment” he received during his preselection campaign?