I was browsing YouTube tonight when my eyes were assailed by this advertisment:

You would have to positively left-wing not to click that. So I did, and it took me to the website of Captain Chris Close Combat Training.

But what is it? Captain Chris explains all:

He is a fomer military interrogator (trained to extract information from enemy combatants) and has black belts in 5 different martial arts—including karate, judo and Brazilian jiu-jitsu.

[...]

However, despite all his martial arts training and awards, several years ago Captain Chris and his wife were attacked in a vicious road-rage incident that left him beaten within an inch of his life.

Broken, humiliated and mad as hell, he realized true self defense has nothing to do with “martial arts”… and martial arts was actually getting people hurt, crippled and even killed on the streets.

Scraping together what little money he had, and calling in every military favor he could find, Captain Chris travelled the world in search of the “perfect” fighting style that would work for anyone—regardless of size, speed or experience.

After several years abroad, and training under everyone from the violent Arabian assassins in Egypt to the last remaining Samurai in Japan, Captain Chris ran into an old, grizzled WW2 vet in Britain and discovered what he was searching for:

“Close Combat Training”

You mean all those hours watching Karate Kid actually let him down? It’s not even possible!

How is this possible?

To answer that question, I have no choice but to tell you a story the military and most every “martial arts” teacher on the planet do NOT want you to know.

Frankly, even the U.S. government will deny what I’m about to say.

Typical. I blame The Left. Luckily, so does The Capt’n:

Almost 80 years ago, on the eve of World War 2, there was a meeting within the House of Lords in London. In attendance were some of the world’s richest and most powerful men: Including billionaires (there were only a few at the time), diplomats, kings, world leaders, presidents, and other powerful “elites” who controlled vast sums of money and power.

These people were literally desperate to discover the answer to one question, and one question only:

“What REALLY Works In Combat?”

Why did they need to know the answer to this question?

Because these guys were scared shitless (and rightfully so) that they were about to lose their entire fortunes to the single greatest threat mankind had ever seen:

The Nazis.

Great, so it’s combat training as designed by John Ray. But who are we to protect ourselves from?

And I KNOW the kind of crazy shit that’s about to hit the fan in our country.

I’ve seen statistics, reports and projections that would quite frankly cause a nation-wide panic if everyone knew the truth.

Believe me…

Whatever you think you might know about crime and violence (from reading the newspaper and listening to talk radio) is just a “watered-down” version of the REAL story meant to keep the public calm and our politicians’ butts covered.

The fact is… with the explosion of criminal illegal alien gangs allowed to freely roam big cities like LA, Chicago and New York…

… international terrorists basically invited in by the Washington liberals…

…and the rising number of left wing nuts in Congress passing laws that empower criminals and castrate guys like you…

…knowing how to kick someone’s ass at the drop of a dime is no longer a luxury.

The Capt’n also caters for those stupid women who are all about helping people:

Women are natural “care takers” and want to help people all the time. And the sociopaths, rapists and serial killers use this fact to lure women into empty, isolated places where nobody can hear their screams.

But you won’t have to worry about that anymore.

Because once your wife or daughter watches this DVD, she will NEVER be “easy pickings” for these sick bastards. I get testimonials about this DVD ALL THE TIME from women who were once afraid of walking to their cars at night or who were being stalked by psychotic ex-boyfriends.

I can’t believe this man is giving people all the information they need to destroy the Left. Needless to say, when the New Soviets come he will not be spared.

Our friend, Wah of Club Wah infamy, reckons anyone who wears a Che Guevara t-shirt is a, well, a very annoying person. It was also a hilarious post because it drew some angry comments from Che fans, in particular this one which still makes me giggle:

If I could I would teach you a lesson and made you a “cunt” , and use you to satisfy my sexual needs! you a.. hole! Che Guevara was a big man ! not like you> a insignificant capitalist worm!
shut your sewage “canal”-mouth! It kind of stinks!

So it was with some smirking and reminiscing on my part just now when I read this whole list of Che-branded stuff:

…T-shirts, watches, sneakers, key chains, cigarette lighters, coffee mugs, wallets, backpacks, mouse pads, beach towels and condoms. He’s not only been used by politicians like the Venezuelan president, Hugo Chávez, to promote their own agendas, but he’s also been employed by merchants to sell air fresheners in Peru, snowboards in Switzerland and wine in Italy.

The supermodel Gisele Bündchen pranced down a runway in a Che bikini. A men’s wear company brought out a Che action figure, complete with fatigues, a beret, a gun and a cigar. And an Australian company produced a “cherry Guevara” ice cream line, describing the eating experience like this: “The revolutionary struggle of the cherries was squashed as they were trapped between two layers of chocolate. May their memory live on in your mouth!”

There’s something oddly perverse about cherries and the memory living on in your mouth, but I can’t quite pin-point what it is.

Anyway. Go, comrades Che and Wah!

A lost play by Sophocles has just been discovered:

It tells the chilling story of one man’s journey from rational conservatism to Latte Left after accidentally giving his mother the old bone job. Here’s hoping the QC doesn’t take legal action against Sophocles for stealing his idea.

Those of us who have spent a bit of time around the political blogosphere will have come across a commenter by the name of philiptravers — a spacebar-challenged enigma whose indecipherable stream-of-consciousness tracts confound and amuse us in equal measures.

But one of his comments today over at An Onymous Lefty, in response to a woman who has floated the idea of organising a “recently single” party, is his most outstanding effort to date:

Problem with you Miss P is you look a bit like someone,I liked very much.And my dogged pursuit,was in the end a sort of Humphrey B.Bear all suit,and no clown inside. Glad I wouldn’t be at that party anyway.For myself,rather than any other reason.Keep your alcohol consumption low,after all you don’t want to be a binge head. Although I suppose the cure for that,is having to face the next day,by pre -arrangement a shampoo of onion juice freshly squeezed!? Which I find myself is a luxury ,whilst we still have onion growers and workers.

God bless you, philiptravers — you’re a national treasure.

…but isn’t there something odd about the man’s facial expression considering the scene behind him?

Note: Please do not click play. It is not a video, it’s a picture.

The rest of the lefty blogosphere is going to hate me for doing this, but I can’t keep it in any longer. Day in, day out we are suppressing the truth about the state of the world from those noble heroes on the right-wing blogosphere and it is driving me insane.

I am going to reveal some of our most shocking truths. Sit tight.

• Kevin “474″ Rudd travels so often by Co2 emiting aircraft in order to speed up global warming, which will in turn lead to the end of capitalism.
• Jeremy Sear shot JFK, knowing that it would kick start an unstoppable chain of events that would lead to an America-hating Muslim in the White House. That hasn’t happened yet…OR HAS IT?
• Homophobia, Sexism, Racism and Xenophobia were invented by Leftists in the 80’s in order to suppress The Truth from the world.
• The current financial crisis is the fault of Michelle Obama’s penchant for shoes.
• Dave Letterman’s mockery of George W. Bush is a conspiracy to keep The Truth from the people – that G.W.B is actually the greatest intellectual hero of our, or any, generation.
• Google is blocking anti-Obama blogs in a Muslim conspiracy. It’s nothing to do with the fact that they all cut-and-paste from each other, therefore causing them to get automatically tagged as spam blogs. No siree Bob.
• Ray Martin is a steam-powered robot built by the Russians during the Cold War. That’s why there are no pictures of him as a child.
• Bob The Builder is a Leftist plot to encourage children to form unions.
• Obama’s original slogan wasn’t “Change”. It was “Islam”.
• John Ray’s christmas letters are a Leftist campaign to discredit him.

Sorry guys, but it had to be said.

Update: More Truths are flooding into the comments section.

Skeptic - “[T]here is another, more disturbing, aim of the left. And that is, to promote AGW as the new secular religion in order to crush all other religions because we on the left hate religion. Except for Islam, which we will then use to launch a jihad on the secular global warming religious adherents.”

Broken Left Leg – “Bob the Builder and Barack bin Obama have the same catchphrase. “Yes we can”.
Coincidence? I think not.”

Toaf – “Also, Baz Lurmann is a commie who wants to destroy Australia THROUGH THE MEDIUM OF FILLUM!!!1!”

Wah, a true comprade, is desperately trying to supress one of the Truths –  ”You’re full of shit Surname – Michelle Obama’s penchant for shoes stimulates the economy, particularly the footwear industry and associated businesses like leather tanning and the companies that make buckles and laces.”

Wah, the people can see through you. We know you’re involved. When the revolution comes you will not be spared.

Facebook can be shitty, frustrating and useless at times, but it’s awesome when a message like this pops up in your feed.

Awesome!!1!

And when I clicked on the link I wasn’t disappointed. Check out this double-whammy of Craig goodness.

What’s worse — the haircut or the drink?

Turns out that Craig’s girly-drink thing has been a problem for quite some time. At least his haircuts are slightly better these days.

One year and one day ago, Kevin Rudd was elected Prime Minister of Australia. One year ago today, I had one of the worst hangovers ever, having watched the sun rise at Bondi Beach with union thugs and various Labor and Greens supporters and members after pulling an all-nighter at a few pubs across the city of Sydney.

In commemoration of this, I just want to post this aw-shucks-cute photo of Rudd in his younger days for your personal amusement only, not because I love Kevin Rudd (I don’t).

Once a nerd, always a nerd.

The US election came and went, and now it’s time to laugh ourselves stupid at those who predicted an overwhelming win for McCain.

Political Lizard:

So sa (sic) we start this election We (sic) see that Obama starts off with approximately 36.8 million votes and McCain starts with 36.6 million votes. This is a 200,000 vote lead prior to independents being included. If these voters are evenly split We (sic) could have a situation where one candidate wins the popular vote and another wins the electoral college. A split in independents favors McCain. If McCain maintains his slight lead among independent (sic) he wins similar to 2004.

ChronWatch:

Obama’s biggest problem is that the majority of Americans racially are white. Even Hispanics, racially, are white. Once you get by all the usual politically correct blather about race, the likelihood that whites will vote for Obama is slim to none when they get in the privacy of the voting booth.

That is why John McCain, unless he selects a serial killer as his vice president running mate, is likely to be the next President of the United States of America.

When queeried (sic) on what he meant by this, the intrepid poster expanded upon this thesis:

The vast majority of homosexuals are atheist and liberal. That is a
fact. Also journalism is a favorite career path of homosexuals and
socialists.
Journalists are like lawyers. They create their own job via paper and
bullshit. Both are human barnacles on society that produce nothing of value.

Edward David Gil (cached, original deleted):

Here is how “the penny dropped” and I suddenly realized that McCain will beat Obama decisively in this November’s presidential election (as unlikely as it may seem now in July): it was when I read that the city of Denver has been giving the Democratic National Committee’s “Host Committee” members a pass on the city’s tax on gasoline for about four months, before it was disclosed.

Daily AntiKos

Reasons why:
1. Conservatives don’t participate in polls.
2. People have felt intimidated into saying they’re supporting Obama.
3. Sarah Palin will produce a turnout of the base as never seen before.
4. Coal states have shifted toward McCain.
5. God is conservative.

Owned. Every last one.

I have a confession to make and I don’t want you to get angry at me, or feel betrayed, or reel back in horror, or send me away to the Worker’s Paradise of Siberia for “re-education”, or anything like that.

I’ve always like George W. Bush. And I’m going to miss him when he leaves the White House to make room for Barack Obama, who will win tomorrow.

Okay, I hated Dubya for his war “policies”, Guantanamo Bay, Dick Cheney, his so-called “faith-based initiatives”, his indifference to his own citizens who struggled daily for basic rights like health and education, and so on.

But I sure as hell loved his horribly mangled grammar, his ability to say some of the most stupid things that does not befit the President of the United States, and his lack of embarrassment — or complete unwareness — at what he’d said.

I’ve cringed and sniggered and often laughed out loud at Dubya’s bloopers. I’ve watched The Letterman Show whenever I could just for the “Great Moments in Presidential Speeches” segment.

So, with his impending departure from the White House, I’d like to take a look back at some of my favourite things he’s said in the last 7-8 years, for posterity (and in no particular order, there was a lot to sift through). The quotes are from the excellent DubyaSpeak.com website, who have done an amazing job “recording the damage” over the years.

• I can press when there needs to be pressed. I can hold hands when there needs to be — hold hands. — January 6, 2008
• I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe – I believe what I believe is right. — July 22, 2001
• It is naive and dangerous to take a policy that he suggested the other day, which is to have bilatarelations with North Korea. — October 8, 2004
• I don’t like to put words in leaders’ mouths. I don’t particularly like it when people put words in my mouth, either, by the way, unless I say it. — November 10, 2007
• It reads like a mystery, a novel. It’s well written. — July 26, 2004 (pertaining to the 9/11 Commission’s report)
• She is a fabulous First Lady. I was a lucky man when she said, yes, I agree to marry you. I love her dearly, and I’m proud of the job she’s doing on behalf of all Americans. Just like I love my brother. — September 9, 2003
• The Ambassador and the General were briefing me on the — the vast majority of Iraqis want to live in a peaceful, free world. And we will find these people and we will bring them to justice. — October 27, 2003
• You know, I’m — I’ve been in politics long enough to know that polls just go poof at times. — April 19, 2007
• That’s George Washington, the first president, of course. The interesting thing about him is that I read three — three or four books about him last year. Isn’t that interesting? — May 5, 2006
• It’s a myth to think I don’t know what’s going on. And it’s a myth to think that I’m not aware that there is opinions that don’t agree with mine. Because I’m fully aware of that. …I see a lot of the news. Every morning I look at the newspaper I can tell you what the headlines are. I must confess, if I think the story is, like, not a fair appraisal, I’ll move on. — December 12, 2005
• I want to thank my friend, Senator Bill Frist, for joining us today. You’re doing a heck of a job. You cut your teeth here, right? That’s where you started practicing? That’s good. He married a Texas girl, I want you to know. Karyn is with us. A West Texas girl, just like me. — May 27, 2004
• I love the story of America, I love the fact that people who started with nothing and have built a fantastic food processing business. — October 14, 2003
• There’s no need for any unrestrained yelling. — July 30, 2003
• REPORTER: Do you think you would be able to work effectively with a future Australian leader, be it either a successor of Mr. Howard from his own party, or from their opposition?
  DUBYA: Well, I suspect he’s going to outlast me, so that is a moot point. Probably a question you ought to ask him. Somebody said, you and John Howard appear to be so close, don’t you have any differences? And I said, yes, he doesn’t have any hair. — May 16, 2006
• We can help somebody who hurts by hugging a neighbor in need. — April 4, 2003
• First we talked about the bridge that collapsed. I was here earlier, saw the collapse first hand. I was impressed by the magnitude of the problem. It was — my heart was touched by the fact that people lost their lives. — August 21, 2007
• We have overcome a recession. That means things are going backwards. — March 26, 2004
• Rarely is the question asked, are, is our children learning? — January 11, 2000
• I’m the master of low expectations. — June 4, 2003
  
• Nobody has accused me of having a real sophisticated vocabulary. — October 11, 2006

Feel free to add your favourite Dubya quotes, as we begin to farewell Dubya with joy.

Some idiot in Sydney got busted by his employer for taking a sickie after a night on the piss. And if there is one thing I’ve learned from the far right, it’s that every person’s behaviour can be linked to his political leanings. So what is this guy’s excuse?

I thought the Liberals were, like, totally into working hard and everything. If I were a weaker man I’d blame his laziness and irresponsibilty on his political leanings, but that would be stupid now, wouldn’t it?

This comic was sent to me by a “long time reader” of Random Brainwave. I decided it’s more appropriate here:

That’s right, McCain chased the Kaiser for diggity-six miles.

Mercilessly stolen from the Daily Kos.

I went to the deli after work yesterday and got chatting to the nice lady while I paid. She told me that her young niece had called from Brisbane the previous evening to tell her a joke.

QUESTION: What’s brown and sticky?

ANSWER: A stick.

“A terrible, terrible dad joke,” she said. I agreed, but found myself chuckling all the same. So bad it’s good.

What’s the best/worst dad joke you’ve ever heard?

ps/- Just for the record, my Dad’s (hi, Dad!) favourite dad joke is delivered after you tell him that you’ve had a haircut. “Which one?” he’ll ask without fail.