Anyone who thinks that Hey! Hey! It’s Saturday returning is a good idea (and that includes any idiot who signed up for the Facebook group) should be forced to watch this:

Imagine! Two whole hours of that crap.

This is what happens with TV – people only remember the good bits and banish the thousands of hours of shit to the Land of Wind and Ghosts before returning ten years later to demand the return of a show they can’t really remember anyway.

NOW LOOK WHAT THEY’VE DONE

It’s Ashes time. And in between sleepless nights and bleary days everyone’s talking about delay tactics, shitty umpiring, Australia’s performance at Lord’s, and how much of an arrogant chav bastard Freddie Flintoff is. However, after tuning into SBS’s coverage of the series and checking my television settings to make sure I hadn’t accidentally tuned into Amateur Hour on Channel 31, I’m surprised that the biggest Ashes talking point isn’t …

Stuart MacGill: can’t bat, can’t bowl, can’t host

Jeebus H. Cat, the man is atrocious! Whenever SBS crosses back to the studio during lunch I am overwhelmed with feelings of embarrassment for him; that’s if I can stop cringing at the telly long enough. It’s like watching a nervous schoolkid, spooked eyes staring straight down the barrel of the camera, wee their pants from fear live on air. Every night for ten nights.

I know that it’s wise to head your sports broadcasts with someone who knows the game and who can talk from experience, but surely they could’ve found someone better than MacGill. Even Damien Martyn, with his complete lack of charisma or presence would’ve made a better host — at least he’s watchable. But between MacGill and that goose Greg Matthews I’ve been tempted a number of times to throw the flat screen off the balcony.

Stuart MacGill, you’re on the list.

UPDATE: From MacGill’s Wikipedia page:

MacGill is noted as an intellectual type, having once read 17 books on a tour of Pakistan

I suppose reading one book on a cricket tour is enough to get yourself smeared as an intellectual.

UPDATE II: Further down the Wikipedia page the plot thickens:

He has a fondness for wine and books, once reading 24 novels during a tour of Pakistan.

Both “facts” are sourced from a Cricinfo bio, which states:

The son and grandson of Western Australian state players, he socialised with friends who weren’t cricketers in his playing days, and was often portrayed as a thinker, a misfit, the odd man out. It was something he played down, although he once read 24 novels on a tour of Pakistan.

Socialised with non-cricketers! The shame.

Right, so everyone’s flapping their gums about MasterChef Australia at the minute. I thought the show was pants, but that’s beside the point. What really worries me is that amid all the chatter about judges, culinary techniques, TV ratings, Hainanese chicken rice, comfort food, cookbook-publishing deals and dumbfuck newspapers that can’t even correctly report the winner of a TWO-HORSE RACE, people may be losing sight of what’s really important:

Oh, and bugger me with a fish-fork if the woman who won isn’t a dead ringer for a certain Pamela Allen children’s book character:

How many of you knew that Andrew Bolt made an appearance in a shitty comedy pilot late last year?

Andrew’s complete lack of comedy nous makes me long for the days of jokes about terminally ill kids. I never thought I’d say this, but I hope he stays in “social commentary” because he has no talent here. To think everyone has been beating up on the Chaser when they could have been beating up on this shit.

I think this is the worst concept I have ever read about a reality TV program:

The Fox network is letting employees of some troubled small businesses decide which one of their colleagues will be laid off and turning the results into a reality show.

…

Each episode will feature a company with about 15 or 20 employees that needs to cut costs because of the economy. Instead of the boss deciding who is fired, the company will open its books to show everyone’s salaries and let the employees make the call.

I can’t believe anyone would want to watch this and revel in someone getting the sack particularly in these rough economic times. I can’t believe colleagues are, effectively, being given the opportunity to make someone else to lose their livelihood. And there’s so many things wrong with allowing access to everyone’s salaries, I don’t know where to start.

But Mike Darnell, chief of alternative programming at Fox, said everyone who participates in the show knows fully what they are doing.

So? Doesn’t make it right. This sort of behaviour shouldn’t be encouraged — it’s mean, spiteful and petty, and I would certainly hope younger, impressionable people don’t start thinking this kind of dog-eat-dog attitude is the only way to go about in life, whether in the workplace or elsewhere. I can only imagine it would lead to more bullying, backstabbing, dishonesty and perhaps harassment — and this sort of behaviour would be magnified and encouraged on television. It would be “cool”.

And I really have to question the people who are willing to go on this kind of show. Yeah, it’s their choice, but for what? Fifteen minutes of fame before heading to the dole office?

“I feel that it’s part of the times that we are living in,” Darnell said. “It’s certainly no worse than watching the news every night and hearing all the statistics and watching what is happening. To be frank, like all these shows, if you don’t want to watch, don’t watch it.” 

True. That’s always been my philosophy as well: don’t wanna watch it? Then don’t. But this show is at a high level of nastiness — up there with humiliating men who didn’t know the chick they were trying to win over had a penis. And it doesn’t take away the questions of the ethics surrounding this new show.

Darnell said he wasn’t concerned about the emotional fallout in a workplace after Someone’s Gotta Go, where an employee might be left to work with a colleague they’d just said on national television should be fired.

Says it all, really.

Calloo, callay. As of today I am not working for a while. I have another gig starting in the new year, but I thought I’d give myself a month or so of R and R, so I left my previous job yesterday. No gold watch was proffered, but I did get a bottle of scotch, which you’ll agree is better than a poke in the eye.

Last night I celebrated the only way I know how to celebrate anything – with hard liquor and late-night television. My housemate is a journo so we had to watch the frikkin Walkley awards, which was undoubtedly the least-entertaining broadcast I’ve seen in some time – there weren’t even any punch-ups. I have a dim memory of that abomination giving way to a repeat of the Seinfeld where George won’t give out his PIN number. Then came beautiful, beautiful unconsciousness.

I was woken at about 10AM by the noise of the primary school nearby, and was reminded why leftists hate children. Then I just kinda trundled down the road for breakfast at the Fine Australian Cafe with the Fine Internet Hotspot. And that’s where you find me. Whiling away the morning, watching the passing parade of Newtown, and wondering WTF to do for the rest of the day.

The last time I wasn’t working, studying or both for such an extended period was back during one of the deliberately-engineered recessions of noted Stalinist and PC Thought Policeman Paul Keating. In those days, being unemployed was easy. All that was required was scrawling a crude X on a photocopied form once a fortnight, dropping it in the slot by the door of the DSS, waking up the next afternoon and spending it all in a giddy rush on cask wine, No Frills Frozen Burger Patties and Holiday 50s. I won’t be engaging with the welfare system this time around, so I don’t even have that much to do. I’m flummoxed.

But things may be looking up soon. On Sunday, I’ll be departing for an extended sojourn at the Beloved’s family seat in country Tasmania. Fresh air, big sky, farm animals. They even have broadband, so I might post some piccies here. But even that doesn’t sound very busy.

Still, I’m sure it will all be fine. Think about it. A between-jobs blogger from Queensland retreats to a rural area, armed with nothing but limitless spare time, an Internet connection, access to a Wordpress blog and a head full of opinions. What could possibly go wrong…

Is it just me, or is there something obscene about what the man with the tickler does to his taco at the 3-second mark of this Old El Paso commercial?

And while we’re posing the big food-related questions here at GrodsCorp … is it wrong to read cookbooks on the toilet?

You have to feel sorry for The Right. They shriek “BIAS!” at the ABC, yet when it comes a-searchin’, they can’t be found:

PRODUCERS of the ABC’s political talk show Q&A contacted Liberal politicians, business and Christian groups and Rotary clubs in their hunt for conservatives to deal with allegations its audience was stacked with lefties.

Maybe instead of complaining about ABC bias, certain commenters/trolls at certain websites with inflated figures could have, oh, I don’t know, put their hand up to be in the audience? Sadly, it’s a lot easier to flood websites with pointless comments no-one reads than to actually get off your arse and do something.

Mr Scott provided new figures showing that, over the program’s 2008 season, ALP supporters made up 32% of audience members who shared their voting intention, the Coalition 24% and the Greens 17%.

I think the important question here is – who made up the last 27%?

I think we all know the answer to that – the CEC. And probably David Hicks. And that Bill Henson dude.

Together, let us sit upon the ground, sing sad songs and chronicle the end of John ‘Sam’ Newman’s television career:

Thursday – Newman sees footage of Tasmanian tourism minister Paula Wriedt, finds her attractive and expresses a desire to “come on her”. He is pulled into line and castigated by James Brayshaw, who Newman tells to “shut up”. He writes off the incident as a misinterpretation.

Friday – Nine defends Newman for the umpteenth time. The producer of The Footy Show  suggests he’s done “nothing wrong”, and that Newman is “horrified” his comments might have been taken in a sexual context. Despite apparently having nothing to apologise for, Newman ‘phones Wriedt to apologise.

Saturday – Female MPs predictably call for Newman’s removal from the show. Wriedt’s father admits that she was upset by the incident.

Monday - Wriedt attempts to take her own life and is rushed to hospital for emergency treatment.

Now, nobody in their right mind would suggest that ‘Sam’ Newman is directly responsible for Wriedt’s suicide attempt. Reports suggest that Wriedt had many more pressing issues in her life than a single smutty remark: a second marriage breakdown, separation from her two children, the burden of being a state minister, a failed bid for the deputy leadership and declining voter support. But it cannot have helped. The crass comment drew unwanted media attention to Wriedt at what was obviously a difficult time in her personal and professional life. Newman was not aware of Wriedt’s personal situation but that’s precisely why more respectful and circumspect commentary or ‘comedy’ is necessary.

This could be the last straw for Nine, which has ridden with Newman over many blips and freefalls but has probably had about enough. To use a term from one of ‘Sam’s own personal obsessions, he may find himself ejaculated from television forever.

A little while ago, our beloved Ant Rogenous had a spray at people who claim to have a fear of clowns, and what a spray it was.

Full of rage and anger and loathing for the world at large, Ant spat out:

Any time you’re standing around at a party and the topic of phobias comes up, it’s inevitable that at least one person will profess to have, or have had when they were younger, a fear of clowns.

They’re lying.

Ant believes this fibbing affliction can be blamed on an episode from the brilliant Seinfeld:

Until 1992, when the episode The Opera went to air, coulrophobia was a relatively rare phenomenon most people hadn’t even considered. In their desperation to prove how quirky and Kramer-like they were, unimaginative Seinfeld devotees began claiming this phobia en masse as a ready-made point of individual difference.

Ant backs this theory up by using examples such as people suddenly deciding they hate “anchovies on pizzas in the late 1980s — not because they’d ever eaten anchovies and found them unpalatable, but because Michelangelo of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fame didn’t like them.”

I’ve always hated anchovies AND I’ve never seen Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, so I don’t know how Ant can explain that. I still don’t know how he can explain watching Australia’s Next Top Model either, as he freely but gruffly admitted in the same post. But I digress.

He was so convinced that people who dislike or have a fear of clowns must be faking their dislike/fear, that they must be lacking in originality or a sense of humour. Something like that.

However, I now have proof that even the toughest of the tough are frightened of clowns, and it’s got bugger all to do with Seinfeld. However, I do not expect Ant Rogenous to be backing down from his theory anytime soon, stubborn ol’ goathole that he is. Still, it must be posted, this marvellous photo:

I often catch the last ten or fifteen minutes of ABC TV’s The Cook And The Chef as I wait for the news to start and a couple of weeks ago a line in the credits caught my eye.

From: The Editor
To: The Cook And The Chef
Subject: Apparent commercial agreement

Hi,

I was wondering how the following credit (paraphrased) is in line with the ABC’s non-commercial guidelines?

“The ABC acknowledges free or discounted products from the following companies”

Regards,
The Editor

To the credit of the program producer and the ABC I received a prompt and thorough reply.

From: The Cook And The Chef
To: The Editor
Subject: Re: Apparent commercial agreement

Dear Ed,

This is a very good question and an area that the ABC is very careful
about. The issue is here that we can take advantage of these offers
provided that there is no obligation imposed on or accepted by the ABC
or its staff, to structure a broadcast in any way or to present any
matter with a particular editorial perspective. When there is an issue
like this, we have a set of Editorial guidelines to which we have to
adhere so that before accepting anything we have to demonstrate that the
ABC’s independence and integrity are fully protected. The Director of
TV then signs off after this process if the issue meets all the
benchmarks.
This only applies to general programs, News and Curret (sic) Affairs programs
will not accept these offers.

Regards,
The Cook and The Chef

Fair enough. It sounds like everything’s in line with ABC policy but something still niggles at me. I’m genuinely torn on this issue because on the one hand I’ve got no problem with a bit of contra on non-news and current affairs programs — especially given the broadcaster’s meagre budget; but on the other hand it flies in the face of the ABC’s non-commercial nature.

Discuss.

Decrepit old truss-wearing backbencher Wilson Tuckey reckons deputy PM Julia Gillard sounds like ‘Kath’ from Kath and Kim:

Tuckey has yelled “Look at moi” across the chamber at Ms Gillard every day this week… Mr Tuckey, who was thrown out of Question Time yesterday over an unrelated matter, vowed to keep up the interjections. “If you want Kath to run the Government, you should vote for her,” the West Australian backbencher said.

For the life of me I just can’t work out which TV comedy character Wilson Tuckey reminds me of. Oh, hang on…

I was unfortunate enough to catch ABC TV’s limp political panel chat program Q And A last night. It was just as underwhelming this time around as it was when Kevin07 was on it a few weeks ago. Tony Jones kept plugging the program’s website where useless information such as graphs showing the breakup of the topic of audience questions could be found.

When I saw that graph I realised that much more useful information about the show could be communicated in graph form.

Now there is a useful graph.

Last night I skipped off work early to audition for Temptation, that showy half-hour TV quiz with Lavinia Nixon and the guy with the big teeth. My observations are hereafter recorded for posterity:

There is very little in the way of parking around the Nein studios… I had to tuck the truckster away in the seedy backstreets of Richmond (and when I returned there was an empty Wild Turkey and cola can on my bonnet… erggh). Probably about 80-90 people attended, most of them men, and we all did a sifting quiz so we could dispense with the slightly less-informed (i.e. Herald Sun readers).

Said quiz was pretty tough, lots of history and literature questions luckily so I did pretty well. I did not know George Michael’s follow-up album to Faith, nor did I know who Gnarles Barkley were. I am quite happy not knowing such things. But I did know the stuff that counts, like African countries, Wordsworth, Prometheus, the United Nations and Bob Hawke. My score was 36/50; the pass mark was 27. It was the kind of quiz I would expect Grods regulars to sail through. Except perhaps John Surname.

Approximately 30 of the audience progressed to the next stage and the next couple of hours was taken up with each of us doing the self-monologue thing. Lots of life stories, travel yarns and amateur stand-up routines. Expected this to result in nipple-crippling boredom but they were quite an interesting group. Except for the tax accountants and the lawyers, but that’s a given. Highlight for me was the young chap who worked for Telstra, resplendent in 80s denim, bottle-thick glasses, a pink t-shirt and tight black cardigan barely reaching down to his navel. He looked like an even nerdier version of Bill Gates, though I suspect he may have been overplaying the geek thing to get on the show.

The whole thing ended on a flat note when the woman running the gig informed us that they weren’t actually filming any Temptation episodes at the moment but, if they need us, we’ll get a call. WHAT?!!?! A good four hours out of my evening auditioning for a show that isn’t even being shot?? What a waste. Luckily there’s a good pub nearby in Swan Street.

If your client has just walked out of court after this…

A paramedic accused of digitally raping a drug-affected woman in the back of an ambulance was found not guilty today following a three-day trial.

…don’t let him stop for media interviews on the footpath outside a pub called “The Fiddler” because closeups of the pub’s sign will be used in television reports of the story on ABC News.