Yesterday, I had the extreme misfortune of having to attend an in-house training course, “Communicating Successfully with Stakeholders”. As predicted, it was a boring, dreary affair.

Anyway, the one and only thing I was remotely interested in was when the speaker asked of us, in between his rephrasing the same point several times, “How do we communicate with someone literally from another planet?”

As soon as this question penetrated my non-functioning brain, I raised my head off the desk, prised my eyes open with my fingers, wiped the drool off my chin and pondered the question: literally from another planet?

I didn’t ponder for long, though. The speaker had moved on by then, I decided quickly that it was stupid dumb-fuck corporate speak of sorts and went back to sleep.

Today, however, it’s bugging me. Do we have aliens amongst us? Is that why we can’t seem to communicate successfully with them? No matter how much some of us try, we can’t get them; to see the light? I can only conclude that aliens, far from being an intelligent species as many nutcases believe, are actually quite stupid, MKay? Perhaps their language is in Ting Tong. That’s all I can thinKG of. Oh look! A Bolt of Aurora out the window! Quick, call the Doktor — I just saw a crusading rabbit get hit. Oh my poor Western Heart, it bleeds!

The word Bertrand contains the letters R, E, T, A, R and D.

I’ll be damned.

From Tim Blair’s electrifying popular* Daily Telegraph blog:

After his promising opening, Obama entered prediction mode:

I have no doubts that all across the country, from Florida to Oregon, from Washington to Maine, the people will rise up in November, and John Kerry will be sworn in as president, and John Edwards will be sworn in as vice president, and this country will reclaim its promise, and out of this long political darkness a brighter day will come.

That worked out well.

For once, he’s right. It worked out equally as well as these marvellous predictions Tim made in 2002/2003:

John Hawkins: If and when do you see the United States hitting Iraq? How do you think it’ll work out?

Tim Blair: It all depends on Iraq’s fearsome Elite Republican Guard. Why, those feisty desert warriors could hold out for minutes. Dozens of US troops will be required. Perhaps they’ll even need their weapons.

Don’t know when, of course. Wouldn’t expect it to last long once it happens.

John Hawkins: Here’s a theoretical question. After the United States topples Saddam Hussein, do you think we’ll hit Iran next if their government hasn’t already toppled by then?

Tim Blair: Hopeful answer: Iran implodes out of fright, and no attacks are needed. It could happen. They’ll have a great view of Saddam’s demise, after all.

That worked out well.

*Some of the comment threads now go into double figures!

The Editor is going to bust my balls for not writing something longer than 500 words, but we’re not all teachers, and we don’t have the time to sit around all day blogging.

Today, I bring you “How to get raped by a Mexican“, by Michael Cooper, an associate of the website A Western Heart.

In his informative article, he advises us that:

“The first thing to keep in mind is not to feel guilty. By now, at least 96% of the entire U.S. female population has been raped by a Mexican at one point in their lives. So there’s no need to feel ashamed or alone. After all, if you’re a woman (or young toddler) who prides herself on her “open minded cultural diversity” you probably already know that rape is part of the Mexican culture, and to decry it would only make you judgemental.”

Absolutely.

“[A]s sushi is a staple of Japanese culture, rape (and gang rape) is at the core of Mexican culture. Try to remeber this as you grit your teeth while lying on your back on a pile of broken glass.”

That’s, like, OMG, the most hysterical thing I’ve read. Or not.

Sadly, from glancing at the rest of Mr. Cooper’s site, he comes across as yet another low-income white man who bitches aimlessly because of the Lefty scum keeping him down.

Poor guy. He works hard, yet he has nothing. Votes Republican, yet his country is full of Mexicans who are better off than him. Why? It must be the stinkin’ pussy-footed liberals!

It’s hard to believe that some people actually think like this, but it’s okay because it’s satire.

For actual satire click here, or here.

Is it wrong to see this and wish that it had another meaning?

And has Bolta really had one million hits this month? It’s only August 3rd after all.

And why do some bloggers of teh Right obsess about their hit count?

These are the pressing questions of our times.

UPDATE: Hit-bragging is so ‘in’, I think we need our own.

Something to add to an earlier post:

I was looking up some stuff on Molly Ivins when I came across this post by Tim Blair in which he labels Clive James as a conservative. Please see the earlier post for Clive James’ many conservative activities.

I find it quite fascinating that people like Blair always need to pigeonhole people they admire into their belief system. Being a lefty would make Clive a lesser person, wouldn’t it?

Clive James, it would seem, has been black-balled from the illustrious Sydney Writers’ Festival because of a vast left-wing conspiracy!

Or at least it would seem that way if you happened to pop over to Tim Blair or Andrew Bolt’s respective blogs today. In fact, Blair goes as far as to call James a “friend of this site“.

It would also seem as if Clive James is a conservative. Both Bolt and Blair try to claim him as their own when he is, in fact, a dirty, stinking, socialist pig. Amusing comments are rife on both blogs as commenters use words such as “genius” to describe someone who is further left than Jeremy Sear.

They might change their minds if they looked at his credentials:

• Worked for the Sydney Morning Herald.
• Was associated with the Sydney Push.
• Went to, brace yourself, univeristy, brace yourself again, TWICE!!!
• Shared a flat with lefty-scum Bruce Beresford (who now directs, get this, OPERA!!!)
• Worked for The Observer.
• Wrote lyrics for six albums of folk music.
• Friend of Brett Whitely.

Have they even read any of his books, like they claim?

But, whatever. If the Bobsey Twins say it’s true, it must be.

…when they say things like this:

In all honesty, opposite a preschool is probably not the best place for a gun shop.

He then, ingeniously, goes on to compare a Sydney suburb with WW2:

It’s almost as if they loathe guns, have these folks forgotten that all this family-focused and free to roam the streets [sic] is guaranteed by men with guns.

So, because a war is fought with guns….then everyone should love them?

Of course, some of us are comfortable enough with our masculinity that we don’t need to be packing heat.

I love the brilliance of their argument - if you don’t like guns, you’re a little girl!

Yes, after a year reading Iain Hall’s filth, he’s finally converted me with a stunning look at a contentious issue.

Iain has long despised Muslims. Of course, he never says as much, instead leaving the dirty work to his pals KG and MK who are all too happy to claim (while refusing to provide proof!) that rapes go up when Muslims move in. Look:

Rudi
You are a smart chap so you can draw your own conclusions about the ethnicity of this gang of scumbags
Personally I have some suspicions that I have hinted at but will say no more without more proof I know the game that you are playing here so I will reserve my answer till I know more.

Let’s not forget that he’s also perfectly happy to have a go at homosexuals for spreading HIV and AIDS, and yet, he has never once said anything about hetrosexuals deliberately spreading HIV (despite my emails asking him to), even though there are several high-prolfile cases in the media now, including one man who spread it to a prostitute of all people. He’s African, if it helps Iain.

And now on to his latest triumph, that proves once and for all that all Muslims are scum:

A Muslim woman, actually DARED to listen to music in court, hiding her headphones beneath her hijab. Now, of course, this is negligent behaviour. But what does the master of language have to say about such a crime?

Perhaps those who are so keen to champion the Burqa should consider this story, even though the woman was only wearing a Hijab. It seems to me that this is an example of how political correctness has emboldened this woman to be in contempt of court. An interesting thing about contempt of court in the UK is that a judge can impose either an indefinite sentence or an unlimited fine…. A substantial sentence is called for on this occasion I think.

This is why I am extremely glad Iain doesn’t run a newspaper. Contempt of court happens all the time. Recently in Queensland a man blabbed the details of a confidential trial on the phone on the train. Of course that doesn’t make it to Iain’s site, only because he’s not an evil Muslim.

I don’t know why Iain didn’t take it one step further and say she was trying to bring down the Western legal system. A-ha!

It’s been a while.

What’s Tim been up to?

1. MediaWatch hurt his feelings, the poor thing, so he’s been obsessively trying to discredit MediaWatch…or something. Nobody really cares much.

2. Trying to jack a poll. And failing. Nice work.

3. Oh, look - Tim shows us that because the LiveEarth concerts were a failure, GW isn’t real. Or something. I don’t know. He’s done so many posts on it, just like the MediaWatch thing. When he gets obsessed he really gets obsessed. I suppose he thinks he can prove himself right by repeating himself enough, but it doesn’t really work like that.

The secret behind Iain Hall:

Thanks for the kind words about my writing; I take to heart what Stephen King said in “The Danse Macabre” when he said that any one who wants to write, in any genre, should set out to write everyday and treat writing like a job, because only then do you have a chance of mastering the craft, and finding your own authorial voice.

No wonder he’s a shit writer, he takes advice from Stephen King, another shit writer. But I don’t think King had quite the way with semi-colons Iain has. He’s really made those things his own, and is possibly in line for a “semi-colon” award. The prize? I’ll give him a free semi-colonoscopy.

Just came across this corker of a statement from token village idiot MK on A Wanker’s Haven:

We know liberals or leftists, who are usually all for any way to end human life, are naturally supportive of abortion. The mad left will fight tooth and nail to kill babies in any possible way under any pretense because as we know they hate humans, not themselves, just you and me.

Don’t the Right always claim to be, I don’t know, rational and intelligent or something?

MK, words fail me.

Wait a second, no they don’t, you’re a turd.

Yesterday, I posted a rather witty caption, like the one above, on my site, only to have the serial troll and right-wing Bolt cultist Iain Hall demand that I remove the picture as I was infringing on his copyright.

I found this rather amusing, as Iain’s own site is filled to the gills with stolen images and infringed copyrights - 22 on the main page alone.

What could I do, but turn up at his blog and post “Looking forward to your lawsuit, BTW.”.

He then asked for an address so he could serve me. Knowing that he couldn’t possibly be bothered to sue little ol’ me for a crime he commits daily, I called his bluff, telling him to get his lawyer to email me so I could provide him with the details.

Instead of actually doing that, Iain realised he was beaten, and decided to delete my comments and put me on the moderation list, or in other words, ban me.

Unfortunately Iain has been posting more rubbish than usual lately, and has been comprehensively out-debated by Craigy, PKD and The Happy Revolutionary (who has an excellent blog) meaning that he is resorting to more and more desperate measures.

I am posting this here as I know more people will see it than the comments on his site.

My challenge to Iain is this - sue me.

Go on.

I dare ya.

GrodsCorp has been following the sorry story of Andrew “Sex Machine” Bolt for a while now. After years of bravely rallying against that liar, Tim Flannery, who isn’t even a climate expert like himself, Bolt must have been completely crushed when Tim was voted Australian of The Year over a far more deserving candidate - himself.

Many of us still remember his bizarre rants containing mostly out-of-context quotes that tried (and failed) to discredit Flannery.

Quite frankly, I thought Flannery was an excellent choice, if a little political in an election year. To balance it out next year, we might need someone a little riskier…

The AOTY website states that the AOTY Award is given to:

…leading citizens who are role models for us all. They inspire us through their achievements and challenge us to make our own contribution to creating a better Australia.

Who exemplifies this more than Andrew Bolt? He’s a role model, and he inspires and challenges us all (or so he thinks). He inspired me to write this post.

Unfortunately, there is one hurdle he must overcome:

Self nominations will not be accepted.

Obviously no-one else is going to nominate him, so I am going to take it upon myself to do just that. Join me, Australian, in nominating Andrew Bolt for Australian of The Year! Give the man what he truly wants (and some may argue, deserves).

To nominate Bolt, simply follow these instructions:

1. Pick up a nomination form from your local Commonwealth Bank branch, Holiday Inn or National Seniors Association, or nominate online.

2. Complete the nomination form by supplying all the relevant information including both your nominees contact details and your own. Don’t forget to outline why you think your nominee should be named Australian of the Year, Senior Australian of the Year, Young Australian of the Year or Australia’s Local Hero.

3. Send your nomination form and any supporting material for your nomination to:

The Awards team
Old Parliament House Canberra
King George Terrace
Parkes ACT 2600

Supporting material may include personal references, portfolios, newspaper articles and resumes. Supporting material will strengthen your nomination and give the selection committees a clearer idea about why you believe your nominee should receive an award.

GrodsCorp sincerely wishes Andrew Bolt all the best, and hopes that come next Australian Day, Bolt will be standing upon the platform shaking Prime Minister Kevin Rudd’s hand.

GrodsCorp also trust that his many righty friends back up this deserving nomination. To do otherwise is equal to not supporting the war - grossly un-Australian.

Hello to all the righties who read this blog. I don’t know how many of you there are, and frankly, I don’t want to know.

But maybe I’m a bit harsh sometimes. I feel that after my “truths of the left” revelation, I should do another post to help you out. You need all the help you can get. Look at you. Are you licking the oil out of a sardine tin as you read this? Yes? Well, then listen up.

Many of you probably read right-wing blogs (like Bolt, Blair, AWH, RWDB, and Landeryou) and ask yourselves “How can I write a blog like that? And just why does this tin keep cutting my tounge?”. Well, I am here to answer one of those questions. The blog one. The tin one you’ll have to answer on your own.

Using examples from some of Australia’s most popular right-wing blogs, I intend to demonstrate how to write a self-serving, dishonest post with lots of blaming, leftie bashing, context changing and quote misuse.

1. Blame the left

For God’s sake, blame everything on the left. Right-wing bloggers blame everything on the left. From the War going badly, to David Hick’s lengthy incarceration, nothing is their fault. The idea that the left might have always been right on these issues is a scary one, so they merely turn to blaming when the heat is on.

2. Dishonesty

When quoting make sure you take it out of context entirely. Very rarely do the readers of Tim Blair actually click on the link and read the entire articles for themselves.
For example:

Fairfax blogger (and pal) Jack Marx:

“I think I’m losing my patience with the stupid … I’ve worked at some of the most allegedly foolish periodicals in the nation - The Truth, Ralph, The Picture - but it’s only at Fairfax that I’ve received such stupid correspondence from readers.”

There Blair ended the post, without even commenting on it, allowing for the false insinuation that Jack Marx thought Fairfax readers were of low intelligence. Had they clicked on the link themselves, they would have found Marx’s follow-on:

“I don’t think one can assume from this that the Fairfax readership is dim, but simply that it has a longer reach than the others.”

Bolt and Blair are especially notorious for this kind of dishonesty. When you are a true right-wing blogger, you will think nothing of twisting comments, quotes and contexts to create your own truths. Both of them are so convinced they are right, that they think nothing of this kind of behaviour as long as their original intention gets through - in Blair’s case, that Fairfax readers are stupid. Right-wing blog readers don’t question this kind of blogging as they want to believe it.

Another good example is a recent post on global warming by Bolt:

More than two dozen demonstrators braved cold, wet weather Saturday in Reno to attend a rally designed to draw attention to global warming.

You’d have to be puffin’ muffins, cuddling cactus and an absolute dingleberry to believe that any downward change in the weather cancels out global warming. Bolt knows this, but still writes dishonest posts like this in the (very likely) chance that people will read this and believe it. Again, he is so convinced he is right that he is more than willing to trick people into his point of view through dishonest methods.

3. Hate The Age

Australia’s best daily, The Age, attracts much scorn from most right wing blogs. Why? Because it’s left-wing, and there is no comparable right-wing paper. The Herald Sun is a joke. The Age has superior news coverage, a fact reflected in the right-wing blogs linkage to their website. In the case of Andrew Landeryou, however, the agenda is slightly murkier.

You see, Landeryou’s company IQ (which eventually went broke) was contracted to deliver sports statistics to The Age. They didn’t deliver, and The Age went elsewhere. Subsequently, Landeryou spends his life trying to pick fights with Age writers, claiming it’s a “vile, leftist rag” when in reality, his beef lies with the fact they fired him and his company.

Does he disclose any of this? No.

Gerard Henderson claims that The Age should move to the centre. He’d love that, as it would leave no major left-wing daily in Australia. Like many on the right (AWH, I’m looking at you) he spends his time extolling the virtues of free-speech, meanwhile speaking out against anyone who doesn’t share his view, demanding they should change (MediaWatch, for example).

4. Make false accusations about “The Left”.

Make sure you make those with left wing views sound like a monster that is about to tear down the city, and ruin your life and the lives of everyone you care about. Don’t refer to them as people, refer to them as “The Left”. Example, claim the left are “hateful”.

According to good ol’ Jonny Ray:

Leftists are great haters and to cover up their own hatreds — of America, the rich, WASPS, the bourgeoisie and anyone who is happily doing well for themselves.

Not true, of course, as many lefties live in America, drive BMW’s, are white and hell, some of us even work (unlike a popular right-wing blogger).

Of course, the right only hate people like minorities, atheists, anyone of colour, and lefties which is okay, as evidenced in this regrettable post by one Tiberius on AWH:

“The filth of the treasonous left has been allowed to fester for too long, and it has now become so bad that the wound can no longer simply be drained of pus. The whole limb must be excised.”

Not hateful at all. Now, please notice that all comments on that post have been removed.

Free speech, anyone?

5. Groupthink

Think only the left groupthink? Wrong. Spend your time linking to other right-wing blogs that share your point of view (but don’t actually explain why they have that point of view, like Blair), and all your little anonymous righty friends will post vauge attacks on the left on your blog.

So anyway, I hope this has been a help to any wannabe right-wing bloggers out there. If you have anymore to add, don’t forget to in the comments.

__________

The Editor Updates (17 April): Andrew Landeryou has emailed Lachlan Connor who has, in turn, forwarded the message to me. It reads in part:

Whoever is telling you that Fairfax didn’t want my little company providing footy stats when we pulled the plug on them is pulling your chain.

The simple truth is that we walked away from the contract, forcing them to negotiate with the wolves of News Limited who were their only other source at the time. And from memory, they were rather ruthlessly screwed by them on it. Apparently the Fairfaxistas came back to us several times but by then we’d moved on from the whole very labour intensive and not particularly prospective activity to focus on other ultimately not particularly profitable activities.

In the few years IQ dealt with them, the provision of footy stats being a pretty small part of the business and my contempt for The Age being much the same then as it now is, I never actually met with anyone from Fairfax. So your “explanation” of my dislike of them is in fact utterly bullshit. As is your claim that I hadn’t “disclosed” the fact that IQ had done business with them. It’s no secret, mentioned on my blog and in at least one Age story I can recall.

The email threatened that if a correction wasn’t published then Lachlan “must surely know what happens next.” I don’t know for sure but I suspect it has something to do with photoshopping a photo of Lachlan Connor into a compromising image of a man and a sheep. You know, the standard kind of thing that goes on over at Landeryou’s website. Lachlan tells me he’s suffering in his jocks.

GrodsCorp has always given right of reply to those who are featured in blog posts and Landeryou has now been afforded the same opportunity as everybody else. As Landeryou himself is so fond of saying: “we report, you decide.”