The Democratic Labor Party’s John Mulholland, yesterday announced as the provisional winner of a Victorian upper house seat, has today been denied the Northern Metropolitan quota after a recount of votes.

Announcing the new winner, the ALP’s Nazih Elasmar, a VEC spokesperson said, “Mr Mulholland has come up short.” Asked how short by a reporter the spokesperson replied, “about two buttons.”

After yesterday claiming a mandate from the Victorian people based upon less than 2% of the primary vote, Mr Mulholland today conceded that this was stretching the truth a little. “I now concede,” he said, “that the Victorian people are looking for a little bit more in their elected representatives.” Asked how much more by a reporter he replied, “about two buttons.”

The Democratic Labor Party sez: Put 1 in the DLP box

GrodsCorp sez: Why bother? Put 1 in the ALP box above the line and let dirty Labor preferences elect unrepresentative nutcases from loopy organisations such as Family First and the DLP.

The Democratic Labor Party sez:

GrodsCorp sez: Not even the DLP webmaster would’ve believed that claim when he typed it into Microsoft Frontpage.

Blissfully ignorant of any DLP policy before 4pm this afternoon I have spent some time navigating through their Lachlan Connor style website. I’ve now come to suspect that the DLP is actually a front for the Extreme Family First and may be directly connected to Steve Fielding and the Pentecostal Church. Check out these DLP policies:

* An end to radical-feminist affirmative action policies whose primary social and economic effect is the disemployment of male breadwinners and the youth. Freedom of occupational choice for full-time homemakers and removal of the tax penalty on one-wage families that virtually conscripts the homemakers into outside employment, consigns their infants to be minded by strangers and deprives their school-age children of the parental care and supervision they need in the after-school hours. (Women belong in the kitchen. End of story.)

* Abolition of the dishonestly named Family Court of Australia, exposure of its destructive ideology and its harm done to children through easy divorce and the court-instigated break-up of their families and recision of all court rulings that serve to undermine marriage or degrade it by conferring on homosexual, lesbian and transsexual pairings equivalent standing with marriage. (Poofs aren’t allowed to belong to families.)

* Statutory recognition of the principle that no child should be conceived to be borne and reared deliberately deprived of a father as in the cases of single women and lesbians accessing artificial reproduction technologies including IVF. (And they’re not allowed to start one either.)

* An acknowledgement in all legislation affecting families of the need to preserve and protect the institution of marriage and of the need to maintain the moral, social, legal and economic support of the traditional family unit as the most effective (including cost-effective) means to safeguard children from the harm of exploitation, violence, pornography, drugs and crime. (Because no child raised in a nuclear family has ever been in a fistfight, read Playboy, smoked a joint, or burgled a store.)

* Establishment of an Australian Family Theatre Company to promote alternative avenues for artistic training and expression and provide opportunity for sponsorship and promotion of quality family entertainment. (There’ll be queues around the block for that.)

* All free-to-air television programming until 10.30pm to come within classifications suited for family viewing. (I belong to a family and I want to watch South Park at 8:30pm. I will defend this right to my death.)

What about these DLP principles:

* The sacredness of human life, from its inception until natural death, as the fundamental basis for all human rights. (Anti-abortion.)

* The historical indispensability of the family as the primary guardian of personal freedoms. (Family, family, family. Blah, blah, blah.)

And these DLP objectives:

* To establish, under Almighty God, the political, legal, social and economic foundations for a just, free and democratic society and for a self-reliant and secure Australia. (But we’re not a religious party, we promise. Oh, and that bit about freedom only applies to people who want to do things we plan to let them do. Forget the freedom to be in charge of one’s own body by having an abortion.)

* To advance the rights, welfare and status of the natural family, founded in traditional marriage, as the primary provider in the nurturing, rearing and educating of the young and in the care of the infirm and the aged. (Pay particular to that bit about “natural” families. That means none of you filthy poofs.)

And finally, this small policy snippet is particularly ironic right now:

* Fair elections with proportional representation at all levels of government.

Of course they support proportional representation. It’s the only way they could possibly have been elected. Oh, and with the help of the ALP, of course.

So The Greens were an abysmal failure on Saturday, according to the mainstream and fringe media. Abysmal failure because they failed to live up to the hype created by those same media outlets and because their vote “plateaued” at a “pathetic” 10%.

Four points:

1) The Greens have won, according to whichever estimate you choose to believe, two, three or four seats in the upper house. A gain of two, three or four respectively. They have gone from being a minor party with no Parliamentary representation to a Party with potentially equal upper house representation to the Nationals. By the next election The Greens will have significant Parliamentary experience with all the benefits that come with Parliamentary offices and staff, along with a swathe of experienced candidates with voting records and legislative histories.

2) Although the vote is still too close to call The Greens have come within a bee’s dick of snatching the lower house seat of Melbourne from the ALP. If it wasn’t for the mother-of-all-scare campaigns run by the ALP in the dying days of the election there is every chance Richard Di Natale would’ve drunk champagne by now.

3) The Greens received double the Nationals’ first preference votes and nearly triple the extreme Family First’s. If it weren’t for the National’s highly concentrated vote resulting in eight lower house seats The Greens would be the undisputed third force in Victorian politics.

4) No other Party has ever had to deal with such a concerted and sustained fear campaign run by a major media outlet.

I think The Greens should be proud of their result over the weekend and feel safe in the knowledge that it provides an excellent platform for improvement in 2010.

Lower house:

Upper house:

Forgetting to ask themselves “what would Jesus do?”, Family First operatives have unethically flooded the radio talkback airwaves this morning in a last minute attempt to discredit The Greens.

At a few minutes past 9am on Jon Faine’s ABC774 program, caller Michelle spoke practically verbatim from this (PDF) Family First press release. She started by saying (I’m paraphrasing) “John, I’m disillusioned with the major parties and I was thinking about voting Green until I heard their candidate say something that I found really offensive to families.” She then read aloud the three-year-old quote from Greg Barber contained within the press release before crapping on about about how this anti-suburbs attitude is anti-family. Her speech was littered with the word “family” which was always emphasised. My suspicions about Michelle’s Family First connections were confirmed when she concluded her call by reading out the last paragraph of the press release almost word-for-word.

I can’t wait until my post-election blog on Sunday morning when I can crow about Family First being rejected wholesale by the electorate. I can see the headline now: Family First rejected by families.

The Public Transport Users Association has released a report card that grades Parties’ public transport promises ahead of Saturday’s election.

Democrats A-
Family First F
The Greens A
ALP D
Liberals C+
Nationals C
People Power C

However, if these A-E gradings are based on current Victorian school report criteria (also known as The Nelson Method) then the Libs and the Nats are doing just fine, the Dems and the Greens are ahead of the pack, and the ALP needs to try harder. There’s no ‘F’ grade possible in Victoria but joke Parties deserve joke grades.

If, as is more likely, the grades are based upon the traditional A-E system and you care about public transport then you know what to do on Saturday.

Family First press release (PDF):

MEDIA RELEASE
19 November 2006

EXTREME GREENS REGARD ORDINARY FAMILIES WITH CONTEMPT

The extreme Greens insult ordinary Victorian families while FAMILY FIRST proudly represents them - the families of the outer suburbs and regional and country Victoria.

Victorian Greens leader Greg Barber, who was raised in Glen Waverley, now insults the suburb he grew up in, saying in an article: “It’s not the end of the world, but you can see it from there.” (The Age, July 31, 2003)

The way the Greens see it, families in the outer suburbs – like Caroline Springs and Werribee, Melton and Fawkner, Thomastown and Epping, Frankston and Dandenong, Cranbourne and Mordialloc, Mitcham and Lilydale, Knox and Croydon, Ringwood and Ferntree Gully - are second-class citizens.

The extreme Greens do not understand ordinary Victorian families and do not care about them. They look down on them. In fact, the extreme Greens think living in the suburbs is a joke.

FAMILY FIRST wants to give a sense of hope and opportunity to these families yet the Greens message is they’ll never make it. The Greens are completely out of touch with the lives of ordinary Victorian families.

Raising a family is hard work and families need all the help and support they can get – not insults from the extreme Greens.

FAMILY FIRST promotes policies that will really help families, such as removing pokies, cheaper petrol, more doctors and police, improving our schools, supporting carers, helping families be more environmentally responsible and building new roads and new dams.

GrodsCorp press release:

EXTREME FAMILY FIRST REGARD ORDINARY FAMILIES WITH CONTEMPT

The extreme Family First insults ordinary Victorian families while The Greens acknowledge and represent all of them - the many types of families found in all corners of this state, not just the inner suburbs of Melbourne.

The extreme Family First believes that a family can only grow from “heterosexual relationships between men and women” who enjoy a “stable and loving relationship and are faithful to each other.” So bad luck if you’re in a loving homosexual relationship, or a loving de facto relationship, or having a few marital problems that you’re working through. And bad luck even if you’re a single parent because the extreme Family First demands that a child must have “both a mother and a father” before they are in a family.

The extreme Family First do not understand Victorian families that don’t fit their narrow world-view and do not care about them. They look down on them. In fact, the extreme Family First, believing that they are doing God’s work, think these families are living in sin and are heathens.

The Greens want to give a sense of hope and opportunity to all families yet the extreme Family First message is they’ll never make it. The extreme Family First are completely out of touch with the lives of ordinary Victorian families.

Raising a family is hard work and families need all the help and support they can get – not insults from the extreme Family First.

The Greens promote policies that will really help families, such as removing pokies, more doctors and police, improving our schools, supporting carers, and helping families be more environmentally responsible. The extreme Family First, in their narrow world-view and policy making from the hip pocket, want to price petrol below market cost and commit blindly to building more roads and dams.

In a fairly standard election promise by oppositions of all political hues the Victorian Liberals have promised to raise parliamentary standards by “considering” the reduction in Dorothy Dixer questions, making the speaker and president more independent, and inserting a ten year sunset clause into all legislation. This all falls under the policy umbrella of their “Transparent and Accountable Government” policy.

However, on the radio this morning shadow treasurer Robert Clark (right — with the used-car salesman smile) indicated that with only four days until the election the Liberals had not yet employed the services of an independent auditor to assess the feasibility of their promises and wouldn’t commit to releasing any such findings before the poll. While ALP treasurer John Brumby also had difficulty naming a release date for their auditor’s report he could at least confirm that the firm Deloitte had been employed to undertake the audit.

Now, I’m no expert (this doesn’t stop Andrew Bolt from declaring himself the world’s leading climate change authority) but the Liberals’ promise to extend the Cranbourne East rail line and build a station for a mere $6 million seems a little far fetched. As does a similar extension of the Epping line for $12 million. I’m willing to bet that any actual expert, auditor or consultancy would recommend the allocation of much more money to the projects — but I’m willing to be proven wrong. If the Libs were actually committed to the principles of transparent and accountable government maybe they would pull their finger out and release an independent audit before the election so the punters could make up their own minds.

As this is my first State election living in the seat of Brunswick I set out to learn a little more about the lower house candidates I will have to choose from on Saturday. My primary and preference votes are all but decided but I was curious to see if any of the candidates added (or subtracted) any value from the Party they represent.

ALP: Carlo Carli MP
His campaign mailout arrived in my letterbox this morning betraying his fear of a Greens win by emphasising (in a seemingly random use of bold and underline) the danger of “protest votes.” Apparently the Greens can only “carp around the edges” because they’re not in government, while the Liberals will cut jobs in hospitals, schools and police stations to pay for their “extravagant campaign promises.” Amusingly, the letter says “Labor has action plans* on sustainable planning, transport, energy and water.” Presumably the asterisk is supposed to lead the reader to said action plans but there’s not a single corresponding asterisk to be found anywhere on the letter.

Carlo has a half-decent blog with an amateur-hour YouTube broadcast to attract the yoof vote. He has some respectable tertiary qualifications to back up his policies about transport and planning.

The Greens: Cyndi Dawes
Cyndi’s official web page tells us that she has a background in education and the union movement and that these areas remain her passion. I heard Cyndi on ABC774 with Jon Faine a couple of weeks back talking about a gambling venue rort she had uncovered where money earmarked for community needs was sneakily pumped back into pokie venues by their operators. She came across well.

It would be interesting to meet her at a campaign stall and have a chat to learn more about her ideas.

Liberal: Vince Arborea
Vince works as a building inspector and surveyor and has worked for local councils and the private sector. He lectures on these subjects along with drafting and construction. There is little other information about Vince on his official web page apart from a declaration of his support for the Liberal plan to build more technical colleges and information about his membership of the Veneto club.

People Power: Christian Astourian
Christian maintains an extensive website with an amazing amount of detail about his values, ideas and vision. With a focus on health and education, both generally and for the disabled, he goes into a reasonable amount of detail about the reform he intends to fight for. The site suggests passion, intellect and drive. I feel that I have a better insight into Christian’s personality than any of the other candidates.

Family First: James McDonald
With only five days until the poll, I will let a screen grab of James’ web page tell the story.

James is blue, large and dresses in Times New Roman suits.

I can’t help but notice the similarity in the level of detail provided by Family First about their candidates, their policy, and their church affiliation.

Socialist Alliance: ?
Couldn’t even find the candidate’s name.

The verdict
The only change in my voting intentions after putting on my Google Detective hat this afternoon is that I will now preference People Power much higher than planned. The Party’s policy platform and grab-bag of principles has failed to move me so far but Christian Astourian strikes me as a worthy candidate.

The only real conundrum I now face is who do I preference last: Family First or the Socialist Alliance?

UPDATE 21/11: Vanessa Hearman from the Socialist Alliance has left a comment with details about the Brunswick candidate — her!

After three weeks of boring-as-batshit election campaigning, pundits across Victoria are almost unanimously calling the election in favour of Steve Bracks and the ALP. The only real unknown, they say, is the number of seats that Ted Baillieu will be able to claw back from Labor’s monster majority.

GrodsCorp sees it differently. It is our view that a massive nine days out from the poll Ted Baillieu and the Liberals have snatched the election out of the ALP’s waiting hands. In a stroke of political genius Ted has released the following policy:

Young people would be given $10 taxi vouchers to attend “life coaching” seminars… as part of the Liberal Party’s plans to attract the youth vote.

Under his policy, 17 and 18-year-olds would be given a $10 taxi voucher to encourage them to attend one-day summer seminars on a range of “real-life situations”, such as the dangers of drug taking or trafficking, responsible driving and body piercing.

BAM! WHACK! KAPOW! Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Bracksy!

With his finger so clearly on the pulse of yoof Ted Baillieu can almost certainly count on the votes of all 17 and 18-year-olds set to benefit from the policy (especially the 17-year-olds) along with their mums, dads, siblings, aunts, great-grandfathers and former flatmates. That’s an awful lot of votes.

Victorian yoof interviewed by GrodsCorp have expressed nothing but praise for the policy and admiration for Ted Baillieu. “I’ve been considering trafficking drugs for some time,” said one yoof, “but had a suspicion that if I went to a seminar about the dangers of doing so I might change my mind. The problem for me, however, is that I have no decent public transport anywhere near my house and I wouldn’t be able to get to the lecture anyway. A taxi voucher to attend one of these seminars will ensure I won’t spend the rest of my life in a Bali jail. It would’ve been cool to meet Schapelle though. She’s got sick norks.”

“I would love to go to a seminar about body piercing,” said another yoof, “and the $10 taxi voucher will just about get me from my house to around the corner outside the maccas. From there I don’t mind at all chipping in the other $25 needed to get to the seminar.”

It is GrodsCorp’s understanding that ALP strategists have been witnessed crying out in anguish at not thinking of such a brilliant policy first. A senior government insider (who wished to remain anonymous) tells us that the entire membership of the ALP policy committee has tendered its resignation due to their disastrous miscalculation. When history books are written about Victorian politics in the early 21st century this will surely be remembered as a crucial turning point in the State’s history and the beginning of the end for the Victorian Labor Party.

And remember, readers, you heard it at GrodsCorp first.

A comment from “Political Geek” last night aroused my attention. It smelled of spam but was way too targeted for your normal, garden variety spam. Here’s the comment:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=14BT4MSEeXs

Very funny send up of Ted Baillieu doing the YouTube rounds. I love seeing online used for interactive politics.

The email address entered by “Political Geek” pointed towards a company who offer services such as advertising product development, digital ad sales and campaign management. A quick glance at their clients page reveals that they work on behalf of the Victorian government, AKA the Australian Labor Party.

Maybe if this company were truly internet savvy the work experience pleb whose job it is to troll blogs at 10:59pm wouldn’t enter the ALP marketing firm’s email address into blog comment forms.

UPDATE (14/11): Political Geek’s right-of-reply from a personal email…

I think you have the wrong idea. I posted it because I thought you would find it funny, not because the Labor gov’t is somehow paying me to do it. The work [we do] for the Vic Gov’t is on Live in Victoria – an initiative to get people overseas to move to Victoria, which we run on search engines. Nothing at all to do with the current election. And that isn’t even my part of the business. My personal interest in the election is simply that, personal.

Maybe Political Geek should get the benefit of the doubt. In which case, I apologise.

In the last ten days there’s been so much to blog about but I’ve been locked in a battle between my final university submission due on Tuesday and the new kitten, Napoleon, who is determined to use my keyboard as his personal highway. Let’s do some GrodsNibbles.

1) Lachlan Connor, Independent
We successfully shot six more episodes of LCI: Preston (as Billybob has started to call it) last Saturday, managing to rope in Greeny and a very hesitant mate of J,The’s to fill new roles. J,The’s mate was concerned that he had never acted before and would look a fool. We simply showed him the first six episodes and he felt much better. Because of this uni work the new episodes won’t be edited until next Wednesday (with a massive hangover, I’d wager) so episode seven, due Tuesday, will be delayed a day or two. Tony T. of After Grog Blog will be well pleased with episode seven. Head over and peruse his blog to find out why.

2) Climate change and Howard’s hot air
It’s been interesting to watch the Howard Government desperately scrambling to change their line on global warming over the last couple of weeks. Times like these are a reminder that maybe John Howard’s not such the smooth political operator he’s often painted to be, caught once again in a half-snooze somewhere between public opinion, his personal, outdated ideology, and secret dreams of quiet afternoons at the retirement home in front of the telly with a blankey and a warm malted milk. Unfortunately, I despair that the overwhelming majority of Australians who say they are in favour of moving to renewable energy sources will have a sudden change of heart when threatened with higher energy prices.

3) Victoria Decides ‘07
God, I hate it when the media calls elections “[insert region] Decides ‘[insert year]”. Anyway, the Victorian election is shaping up to be an absolute fizzer in the lower house with the only real question being what minor change will be made to Bracksy’s majority. Ted Baillieu is about as interesting and engaging as… well… something that is really, really uninteresting and unengaging. There was a brilliant story, I think in the paper the other day, where Ted jumped on a train to get to a policy announcement and apologised to some passengers for the media intrusion. A lady said to him, “That’s okay, we’re just trying to figure out who you are.”

Priceless.

The upper house will be interesting to watch with a wide open race for the minor parties and control. I fiercely desire any outcome except for anything to do with Family First. If Steve Fielding’s band of sneaky, duplicitous morons take balance of power I’m moving to Adelaide. At least I can vote for Kate Ellis there.

I love elections and usually get nerdlingerly excited about them but this one mostly makes me want to go back to writing my honours for the 12th hour in a row.

4) $90 million for school chaplains
Attention: Kim Beazley. Your job is to provide voters with an alternative to the government. There is so much wrong with this policy that I thought even a bumbling fool such as yourself couldn’t screw it up. At least you could’ve waited a couple of minutes after Howard announced it to give it your unconditional support. Extra big Christmas card from John and Janette this year, Kimbo.