A quick message to the courageous members of GroupThink F.C., playing tomorrow night short two of its bedrock players, including the captain. A quick message to the remaining members of the team, and the two fill-ins they’ve organised, who are hopefully of a lower standard than the players they’re replacing. (Wouldn’t filling-in with better players be cheating somehow? Certainly against the spirit of the competition.)

That message: take it easy, guys. There’s no need to risk painful injuries. If you play too hard you could twist an ankle. You could be involved in some kind of horrible collision. If you’re standing with your back to the goal and an opponent belts the ball at you, for god sake duck out of the way. Is one goal saved really worth the potential of testicular suffering? No, it isn’t. Not this week. Maybe next week, when your captain returns, but not now.

Now is a time for practising new moves, new strategies - seeing what works, what doesn’t. If you find something that looks promising, that seems to be working, file that information away for future reference - and go and try something different. Let’s concentrate this week on exploring strategies that have never worked in the past and may never work in the future. Let’s make absolutely certain that they’re a bad idea before we abandon them completely.

Also, Ant will probably be giving you useful directions from the goals, because he can see what’s going on. Whilst listening to him is usually a good idea, this week let’s just see what happens if you don’t. This way you’ll be able to have confidence in the future that following Ant’s suggestions is a good idea - and you’ll know that because you tried the alternative, and lost abysmally. See? Then we’ll know.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD don’t let our first victory be the first game I’m forced to miss. Okay? Guys?

You know mX’s Here’s Looking At You section (as famously subverted by Bron)? Well, I’d like to send out a GrodsCorp-style Here’s Looking At You shout-out to the goal shooter on the white team playing netball this evening at GroupthinkFC’s indoor sports stadium.

To the goal shooter with the blonde hair and the knockout chest pass. Maybe we can say hello at the vending machine next match?

– The Editor, GrodsCorp

Ant and Jeremy send a Here’s Looking At You shout-out to the centre on the same team.

To the tall brunette at the centre of our attention. We’d love you to be the centre of our lives.

– Ant and Jeremy, The Intertubes

Sorry, what’s that? You want to know GroupthinkFC’s score? Unfortunately I’m not at liberty to discuss that.

The people’s football club, GroupthinkFC, has been a deserving target of ridicule due to its string of poor results that make the Melbourne Demons look like a genuine premiership chance. But last night things began to change.

You see, the person at the sports centre who is in charge of grading made a monumental error when placing us in division three. Despite the awesome presence of our captain first-among-equals, Jeremy Sear, and the daunting confidence of Ant Rogenous and myself, this person at the sports centre graded us well beyond our actual ability. After our fourth humiliating defeat in a row Jeremy approached this person at the sports centre and firmly suggested that we should drop a few divisions — a suggestion that the person at the sports centre took on board after checking our results and breaking into hysterical laughter.

So last night the glorious GroupthinkFC ran onto the field as division twelve’s newest team and brought honour to the people by narrowly losing 5-4. Our five game plan seeks to ensure that by round ten we are consistent winners and that our prowess with the soccer ball has communicated our message of socialism for the people far and wide.

Stay tuned.

The Editor, John Surname, Jeremy Sear, Keri, Chuck A. Spear and Craig discuss:

* Teh gays
* Cab driver and teacher strikes
* Austrian hostages in basements
* SBS hidden cameras
* Ronaldo’s man-whore problem
* Bill Heffernan vs. Justice Kirby in the GrodsThink naked cagefight

** Because Ant Rogenous is using all the bandwidth to download instructional Fleshlight videos use only the “Play in popup” link or the “Download” link. **

 

 GrodsThink 15 (6 May 2008) [32:01m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

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I am sick of the endless, deceiptful PR marriage of war and sport that bubbles to the surface on ANZAC Day like some malignant marketing orgasm.

As far as I can tell war and sport have only three things in common: they involve two sides wearing different uniforms and led by stupid but overpaid men; there’s usually a winner and a loser; and obsessed males buy books about both of them. If you watched any sports coverage on ANZAC Day you’d think the two were exactly the same. The broadcast of today’s AFL game started at 12 noon but the game itself doesn’t begin until 2.40pm. The preceding 160 minutes is 10 per cent football and 90 per cent thinly drawn analogies of war and sport, combat and games, hamstrings and minefields, sportsmen and warriors. Stories of AFL/VFL players who served in war because footy players and soldiers are, like, great heroes.

Let’s get a few things straight:

Sport is NOT war. Apart from nonsensical risky sports like high-speed motor racing, hardly anyone dies playing sport.

Running thoughtlessly into a pack of thick-necked footballers is not the same as running at a machine-gun nest.

In sport you might do a knee or rupture your Achilles tendon; in war you might have your head shot off.

Though it’s sometimes used otherwise, sport is apolitical; war is a continuation of politics by other means.

Footballers and soldiers are not the same thing, goddamit. Commemorate our war veterans and celebrate our sporting heroes - but don’t try to equate the latter with the former.

And a final question for the AFL: if the football community has always loved our returned soldiers, respected their effort in wartime and applauded players who served their country in war, etc. then why did the VFL competition continue through both world wars? Surely it should have been suspended as a mark of respect and to allow those brave footballing gladiators to serve Australia in war, as was done with the FA Cup…

GroupThink FC losing yet another game

It’s clear by now that GroupThink FC are the suckiest bunch of sucks who ever sucked. I’ve seen teams suck before, but Jesus…

8-3

19-2

18-0

It’s come to the point that they are not only embarrassing themselves, but embarrassing us by association, so I am setting up a petition to persuade GroupThink FC to stop playing indoor soccer, and take up a sport that they are more qualified to play. Like egg and spoon racing.

Please leave your signature below.

Yesterday I suggested that this week’s episode of GrodsThink would be online tomorrow and would be predominantly on the subject of the Blanchett Australia 2020 summit. Unfortunately it turns out that I was quoted out of context and I’d like to issue a clarification. The reality is that there won’t be a GrodsThink episode this week and I regret any misunderstanding that may have resulted from the incorrect reporting of my words.

You see, we normally record GrodsThink on Tuesday nights but had moved this week’s recording to tonight because I’m off to Cairns after work tomorrow. This arvo at 3pm Ant got in touch and said he had a headache or the consumption or something, Jeremy had previously expressed doubt at his ability to show up on time, and I was flat out at work and also feeling a bit flat and poorly. So we decided (between the three of us because J. Surname was uncontactable) that we’d kill this week’s episode and return refreshed next week. When I finally got Surname on the phone to tell him not to bother coming along he said not to worry because he didn’t even realise it was on.

This is the level of professionalism we’re talking about here, people.

Anyway, we do apologise to those listeners out there who enjoy the sound of smug leftists sitting around loving the sound of their own voices, but rest assured we’ll be back next week.

ps/- Our states of mind have nothing — absolutely nothing — to do with the fact that GroupthinkFC lost 18-0 yesterday morning.

The Editor, John Surname, Ant Rogenous, Jeremy Sear, Keri, The Happy Revolutionary and Craig discuss:

* Kevin Rudd’s world tour of the world
* Plain English
* The republic
* Climate change alarmism
* Incest
* Keith Windschuttle vs. Archie Roach in the GrodsThink naked cage fight

** Because downloads of Kevin Rudd’s salute to the US Prez on YouTube have caused congestion in teh intertubes use only the “Play in popup” link or the “Download” link. **

 

 GrodsThink 11 (8 April 2008) [33:22m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

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I’m in a filthy, filthy mood today. I’m world-hating and ready to glass anyone who comes near me with a freshly smashed beer bottle. It all started yesterday.

At 4:30pm I left home to head out into the wilds of Melbourne’s eastern suburbs for GroupThinkFC’s third match. I was aiming to get to Jeremy’s place a couple of hours early for a hardcore session of Guitar Hero before the soccer game at 7:40pm. But due to the terrible storms in Victoria yesterday afternoon the public transport system was in chaos. So instead of arriving at Jeremy’s at 5:45pm I arrived at the soccer match four minutes before kickoff and three hours after leaving home having walked through Camberwell in the rain with thousands of other stranded rail commuters, waiting for the 109 tram in the rain with thousands of other stranded rail commuters, and begging Ant to go far out of his way to come and pick me up.

Then with six minutes elapsed in first half of the game I rolled my ankle and had to leave the field with an icepack. The crunching and popping sound, along with the pain and instant swelling indicated that it was one of the nastier sprained ankles I’d ever suffered.

Then I had to sit on the sidelines and watch GroupThinkFC get annihilated 13-3.

Then I had to cancel my holiday that I was leaving on this morning since three days of hiking in the Grampians is not so much fun when I can barely hobble from the lounge to the dunny. I was really looking forward to this holiday.

So don’t mess with me, world. I’m not a happy camper right now.

That’s a sexy foot, right there

We’ve all got an embarrassing relative tucked away somewhere, usually in Queensland. Someone you never visit, speak to or speak about … and even mention of them makes you cringe and wince. For me, it’s a distant cousin with no neck who is now safely tucked away in rural north-east Victoria. His claim to fame was three years in ‘Nam (i.e. Pakenham) where he was arrested five times, usually for petty theft and public drunkenness. His coup de grace was stealing and torching a car, only to discover it belonged to an off-duty police sergeant. He now lives on a small farm near Myrtleford, his de facto wife has a job at the local supermarket while he has a job on the sofa. (As far as I know they don’t have the Internet, or the irony would be complete.)

Rest assured that if I’m ever famous and/or in trouble, the Herald Sun would rush up to interview said distant cousin, as they did with Kevin Carey, father of Wayne. Big Kev’s got an opinion on everything, including Wayne the footballer:

“He was the best. He’s still the best, but he’s just an idiot.”

…the causes of Wayne’s problems:

“It’s the piss and his dick”

…Wayne’s girlfriend:

“She’s . . . bad news”

…the criminal offence that landed Big Kev himself in prison, for:

“Belting up some c—”

…and his ex-wife, who alleged that their relationship was violent:

“She was a f—ing liar. She will go out and say I’m a wife-basher”.

Classy journalism, digging deep to get to the bottom of this story of global interest.

GroupThinkFC, which An Onymous Lefty has ingeniously dubbed “The People’s Football Club”, played its second match last night and was annihilated by seven goals.

Now, at the risk of sounding like an apologist — but hey, some of my best friends are apologists — I’d just like to point out that we’re being prevented from playing at full strength by one significant factor: we still haven’t worked out how to play soccer.

Rest assured, though — once we’ve stopped picking up the ball and I’ve developed a better goal-defending strategy than this, the championship is more or less in the bag.

The Editor, John Surname, Ant Rogenous, Jeremy Sear and Craig discuss:

* Australia 2020 summit
* Wealth distribution
* The War On Drinking
* Beijing Olympics
* Andrew Bolt vs. Robert Manne in the naked GrodsThink cagefight to the death

** Because there’s still a blockage in the (inter)tubes use only the “Play in popup” link or the “Download” link. **

 

 GrodsThink 9 (25/3/08) [27:48m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

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Last night The Editor, Jeremy Sear, myself and a handful of groupthinking communists likeminded bloggers began our campaign to take out, for the glory of Teh Left and David Hicks (peace be upon him), a suburban indoor soccer championship.

Our team name is, of course, GroupThinkFC, and the preliminary designs for our uniform have just come back from a Chinese sweatshop.

We’re hoping to have the shirts made up as soon as possible, so your thoughts and comments would be most appreciated — none of us has ever made a decision without the endorsement of Teh Left in its entirety, and we’re bloody well not about to start now.

As Ant mentioned yesterday we last night went along to the Asian Champions League match between Melbourne Victory and the Korean Chunnam Dragons. (2-0 to Victory!)

Along with Craig and Goobermetrics we enjoyed sitting in front of the unofficial Victory coaching team who shared their drunken wisdom about the poor management choices of official Victory coach Ernie Merrick with all those sitting in the vicinity. One of their biggest targets was Victory striker Danny Allsopp, who they creatively called Danny Allflop. Ant and I nearly sprayed our beer over the people in front of us when one of the drunken bogans angrily cried, “jump up, Allflop! Get up there! You’re taller than everyone else on the field put together!”

You can thank a leftist teacher for that, I suppose.

The Editor and I are going to Telstra Dome tonight to watch Melbourne Victory hand some generic South Korean team* their arses in the Victory’s first Asian Champions League match.

We have three tickets up for grabs for the low, low price of $25. Don’t miss your chance to join the Australian blogosphere’s two most uninteligible non-bachelors for what promises to be a tolerable time at the very least.

Kickoff is at 7.30pm, but we’ll be meeting earlier to grab a beer and some decent seats.

Express your interest in the comments, and I’ll contact you by email.

* Okay, they’re known as the Chunnam Dragons. See, you didn’t know who they were either.

UPDATE: Too late — I have to head off now. Anyone who’s still interested will have to contact me on my mobile: 0411 GET BNT. Cheers. *sob*