I just received the following astonishing caution:

Get fucked.

That’s right, it’s Microsoft Wondows!

GrodsCorp is taking an age to load today for some reason. An email has been sent to the hosting company’s technical support department and it is being duly ignored. Hopefully we’ll be back to normal before too long.

UPDATE (4.40pm): And we’re back! Seems that a stats plugin I had running (Wassup) decided overnight to cause a bit of hell. No apparent reason; just felt like it.

Called my ISP’s techical support line this afternoon…

Technical Supporter: Welcome to iPrimus technical support. How can I help you today?

The Editor: Hi, I’m having a bit of trouble with my broadband connection at the moment. It has been intermittently dropping out and reconnecting for a few hours now. I just wanted to know if there were any problems with the service that you were aware of at the moment? Otherwise I’ll know that the problem’s at my end.

Technical Supporter: Okay, can I start by asking your username, Sir?

The Editor: (gives username)

Technical Supporter: And for security purposes can I ask for your full name and date of birth, Sir?

The Editor: (gives full name and date of birth)

Technical Supporter: Thankyou, Mr The Editor. Now, how can I help you today?

The Editor: Um, I just told you.

Technical Supporter: Errrr, yes. Can you tell me again, Sir?

The Editor: Hmmmm. I’m having a bit of trouble with my broadband connection at the moment. It has been intermittently dropping out and reconnecting for a few hours now. I just wanted to know if there were any problems with the service that you were aware of at the moment? Otherwise I’ll know that the problem’s at my end.

Technical Supporter: Okay, what is the brand of your modem, Sir?

The Editor: I don’t think that really matters. I just want to know if there are any service…

Technical Supporter: Sir, please! I am trying to help you. Now if you can just tell me the brand of your modem.

The Editor: I don’t think… Oh, God, whatever. It’s a (brand of modem).

Technical Supporter: Thankyou, Sir. Now do you know that there needs to be a filter on the line between your phone and your…

The Editor: Listen! I just want to know if iPrimus is having any problems with their broadband service in my area at the moment.

Technical Supporter: Sir, I will ask you to not interrupt and calm down as I am just trying to help you. You must let me finish reading this. A filter on the line between your phone and your phone line socket.

The Editor: Oh, for fuck’s sake…

Technical Supporter: I will ask you to please not swear, Sir.

The Editor: …I just want to know if you are having problems with the broadband in my area! It’s a really simple question. If you can’t answer it then please put me onto somebody who can!

Technical Supporter: Hang on a moment, Sir.

The Editor: (hangs on)

Technical Supporter: There are no problems with the ADSL service in your area that I am aware of, Sir.

The Editor: No problems or none that you are aware of?

Technical Supporter: Excuse me, Sir?

The Editor: Is it possible that there are problems that you are not aware of? You know, you’re very busy reading that script to paying customers, and all.

Technical Supporter: Um, no problems, Sir.

The Editor: Thankyou.

Technical Supporter: Is there anything else I can help you with today, Sir?

The Editor: I doubt it.

Technical Supporter: Thankyou for calling iPri…

The Editor: (hangs up)

I was squeezing some honey onto my toast the other morning from one of those ingenious clean-cut, non-drip bottles when I was rocked by a two-pronged epiphany:

1. There is no way this device was conceived without a sphincter in mind; and,
2. This is almost certainly the first time arsehole technology has been used to make the dispensation of a foodstuff more convenient.

While it’s fairly obvious where the inventor was sitting when he hatched this idea, other details remain shrouded in mystery. Just who was this audacious visionary? Was this his first great idea from a series of madcap schemes, or just one of many brilliant but commercially impracticable ones?

More importantly, how many times was he rejected before the good folk at Capilano recognised and backed his ingenuity? How many times was he subjected to the crushing humiliation of failed pitches like this:

Inventor: Okay, picture… an arsehole!

Nutella executive: Get out of my office.

In any case, here’s to a man who dared to dream. If the next inspiration that strikes him is for a device that will stop wine dribbling down the side of the bottle without my having to perform one of those elaborate twists of the wrist, I’ll personally underwrite the R&D.

Back in the middle of 2007 McBec decided that she wanted an iPod to jog with so we went down to Myer where McBec strode purposefully to the counter and ordered “one iPod Nano please. Black.” After signing the credit card docket McBec received a shiny iPod box from the shop assistant which she promptly passed to me. “Make this work,” she said. “I don’t know what to do with it.”

Over the next two days I charged the iPod and started ripping all of McBec’s CDs onto my hard drive in preparation for transfer onto her Nano. On the third day McBec called me from work and said, “I don’t want the iPod any more. Put it back in the box; I’m going to return it.” But it was already out of the box and charged, I argued. It was three days old, I argued. There’s no way Myer is going to refund a clearly-used iPod, I argued. “Don’t care,” declared McBec. “I’m taking it back.”

For the next two weeks the crudely re-boxed iPod sat on the kitchen table. “When are you taking that thing back?” I asked each day. “Soon,” McBec would reply.

Eventually McBec got around to dropping into Myer with the slightly-used iPod. She approached the pimply shop assistant. “I’d like to return this iPod,” she said.
“What’s wrong with it?” inquired pimple boy.
“Nothing.”
“So why are you returning it?”
“Don’t want it any more.”
“The box has been opened.”
“I know.”
“When did you buy it?”
“About a fortnight ago.”
Pimple man was stumped. “I’ll have to talk to my manager.”
“You do that,” said McBec, asserting her consumer rights.

Long story short, McBec got her refund after the manager simply gave in to get her out of the store.

Fast forward to mid-December and McBec is perusing a weekend newspaper magazine insert. “Oooh! Those new iPod Nanos are sexy. Especially the green ones.” I put my head in my hands and groaned. One week ago McBec gave me money and instructions to buy her a green Nano during my trip to the city. After purchasing the iPod I safely stored the receipt and decided to give her a 24 hour cooling-off period before opening the box. But this time it looks like McBec is for real and I have just started loading 7GB of music onto her second ever iPod.

I bought a Mighty Mouse for my Mac laptop about six months ago. I am positively in love with the thing and miss it immensely whenever I am forced to use a standard mouse with those unwieldy scroll wheels. But one downside of the Mighty Mouse is the scroll wheel’s tendency to get clogged up with grit and scroll all jagged-like. Apple’s official cleaning advice is useless and doesn’t fix the problem, and the mouse has been designed so that disassembly is discouraged.

So this morning, armed with a knife, a screwdriver, some cotton buds, glue, and this website, I hacked my Mighty Mouse open and fixed the bloody thing. And despite its new slightly-chopped-up appearance it now works beautifully.

Precision Apple engineering

Ordered a new video camera this week. I was going to link to a review of the Sony HDR-HC7 and briefly describe its features but I think I’ll let 18 year old Aaron Robinson of Long Beach USA do all the talking. This kid is a born salesman.

And if you want to watch Aaron in a boy scout uniform demonstrate the camera with his pet dog then go here. You know you want to.