I was browsing YouTube tonight when my eyes were assailed by this advertisment:

You would have to positively left-wing not to click that. So I did, and it took me to the website of Captain Chris Close Combat Training.

But what is it? Captain Chris explains all:

He is a fomer military interrogator (trained to extract information from enemy combatants) and has black belts in 5 different martial arts—including karate, judo and Brazilian jiu-jitsu.

[...]

However, despite all his martial arts training and awards, several years ago Captain Chris and his wife were attacked in a vicious road-rage incident that left him beaten within an inch of his life.

Broken, humiliated and mad as hell, he realized true self defense has nothing to do with “martial arts”… and martial arts was actually getting people hurt, crippled and even killed on the streets.

Scraping together what little money he had, and calling in every military favor he could find, Captain Chris travelled the world in search of the “perfect” fighting style that would work for anyone—regardless of size, speed or experience.

After several years abroad, and training under everyone from the violent Arabian assassins in Egypt to the last remaining Samurai in Japan, Captain Chris ran into an old, grizzled WW2 vet in Britain and discovered what he was searching for:

“Close Combat Training”

You mean all those hours watching Karate Kid actually let him down? It’s not even possible!

How is this possible?

To answer that question, I have no choice but to tell you a story the military and most every “martial arts” teacher on the planet do NOT want you to know.

Frankly, even the U.S. government will deny what I’m about to say.

Typical. I blame The Left. Luckily, so does The Capt’n:

Almost 80 years ago, on the eve of World War 2, there was a meeting within the House of Lords in London. In attendance were some of the world’s richest and most powerful men: Including billionaires (there were only a few at the time), diplomats, kings, world leaders, presidents, and other powerful “elites” who controlled vast sums of money and power.

These people were literally desperate to discover the answer to one question, and one question only:

“What REALLY Works In Combat?”

Why did they need to know the answer to this question?

Because these guys were scared shitless (and rightfully so) that they were about to lose their entire fortunes to the single greatest threat mankind had ever seen:

The Nazis.

Great, so it’s combat training as designed by John Ray. But who are we to protect ourselves from?

And I KNOW the kind of crazy shit that’s about to hit the fan in our country.

I’ve seen statistics, reports and projections that would quite frankly cause a nation-wide panic if everyone knew the truth.

Believe me…

Whatever you think you might know about crime and violence (from reading the newspaper and listening to talk radio) is just a “watered-down” version of the REAL story meant to keep the public calm and our politicians’ butts covered.

The fact is… with the explosion of criminal illegal alien gangs allowed to freely roam big cities like LA, Chicago and New York…

… international terrorists basically invited in by the Washington liberals…

…and the rising number of left wing nuts in Congress passing laws that empower criminals and castrate guys like you…

…knowing how to kick someone’s ass at the drop of a dime is no longer a luxury.

The Capt’n also caters for those stupid women who are all about helping people:

Women are natural “care takers” and want to help people all the time. And the sociopaths, rapists and serial killers use this fact to lure women into empty, isolated places where nobody can hear their screams.

But you won’t have to worry about that anymore.

Because once your wife or daughter watches this DVD, she will NEVER be “easy pickings” for these sick bastards. I get testimonials about this DVD ALL THE TIME from women who were once afraid of walking to their cars at night or who were being stalked by psychotic ex-boyfriends.

I can’t believe this man is giving people all the information they need to destroy the Left. Needless to say, when the New Soviets come he will not be spared.

You know the famous story about gay penguins at San Francisco Zoo? Well, the six year “relationship” is over, with one of the dudes dropping the other dude for a chick.

Fundamentalist Christian news website OneNewsNow cites a “family” campaigner who accuses “homosexual activists” of using such examples of apparent animal homosexuality to “normalize their lifestyle”. Says the campaigner:

It’s pretty pathetic to turn to turn to animals to guide how humans should behave. It’s just ridiculous.

Pathetic indeed. Here’s the OneNewsNow reporter in the first par of the story.

A pro-family advocate says the latest developments at the San Francisco Zoo show that nature prefers heterosexual relationships.

Shit don’t prove shit, unless it’s the shit we want it to prove.

You’re getting ready to leave your base and head out into battle. You quickly run through your checklist to ensure that no vital equipment is left behind.

• Gun
• Bullets
• Pants
• Helmet
• Dog tags
• Photo of partner (unless you and your partner are teh gay)
• Energy bars
• Water bottle
• Chap Stick
• Sunglasses
• Spare bullets
• Hand grenades
• BibleStick

The cad. Oh well, I hope he took it out for dinner, used lots of foreplay and was gentle.

How is possible that a Michael Jackson impersonator looks stranger than the man himself?

Who is who?

“I believe I am alive today because God saved me for this – to make people happy. I have a message to give, the same as Michael,” he said yesterday.

Yeah, um. Okay.

This shelf in my fridge symbolises the OCD-ish behaviour with which I must contend in my home.

If I twist a jar 90 degrees in the morning the label will be facing front by evening.

Remember the brazen offer I received for a DVD player I was selling? How about this response to an ad I was recently running for a fridge:

Hello,

Are you selling this fridge and if so for how much?

Thanks,

Dan

Of course, the fact that I have listed the fridge in the “for sale” section of a website isn’t enough of a clue for Dan, and neither is the asking price displayed prominently in the ad’s header.

I knew it! Those Obama-is-a-Mooooooslem nutters at A Western Heart aren’t nutters, and Andrew “Al Gore is fat” Bolt’s rantings aren’t rantings. US President Barack Obama and former Vice President Al Gore are both knowingly profiting from the swine flu outbreak that isn’t an accident of nature but is actually a bio-terrorism attack.

The latest bioterrorism attack by the New World Order is likely a beta test. Yes, it is a bioterrorism attack. It was a hybrid strain created from human, swine, and bird flu from North America, Europe, and Asia. It was created in a laboratory. This doesn’t happen in nature.

[...]

You might want to question who is making a profit on this as well. Barack Obama, Al Gore, and Donald Rumsfeld all own shares of the company who makes the Tamiflu drug to treat this virus.

Apparently swine flu is an effort by the “ruling elite” to reduce the world’s population. It is by the same people who put flouride in your water “causing your brain, liver, and bones to rot and decay” because “the government hates you and wants to kill you”.

You heard it here first.

Since I found myself in the dunny of a Thai restaurant last week, I’ve also found myself in the bathroom of my sister’s honeymoon suite at an expensive hotel (congratulations, sis!) and Andy Blume found me in the toilet at his work. Kinky.

Andy Blume’s work values its employees so much they splash out on single ply sandpaper

I wiped a lot of arse to get where I am

A Western Heart idiot-in-chief MK doesn’t make much sense at the best of times, so there’s every chance that in this instance he’s talking straight out of his pimply arse — or, as Mr Creighton points out, is just plain confused.

But after having been alerted to the fact AWH had been deblogrolled by Tim Blair, MK tonight alleged — get this — that AWH had actually paid Tim for the privelege of being included in such illustrious company as J.F. Dreck, Andrea Harris and Andrew Bolt!

My own feeling is that, even though Tim once famously rattled a tin at his readers so he could buy himself a shiny new laptop, it’s got bullshit written all over it.

But it’s an explosive allegation nonetheless, and it raises several questions … the most important of which is this: how much would GrodsCorp have to shell out to get a guernsey?

I was flicking through a book named Mongrel punts and hard ball gets: an A–Z of footy speak just now and found what is undoubtedly the greatest description of Aussie Rules I’ve ever read.

Apparently it was written at the beginning of the 20th century by one Hway Ung, a Chinese scholar in Melbourne:

I went … to see the game they call Foo-pah … It is played in winter heaven, for it requires top endurance and activity … Men on one side try to kick goose-egg pattern ball between two poles that represent a gate or entrance. They run like hares, charge each other like bulls, knock each other down rushing in pursuit of the ball to send it through the enemy’s pole… 

I defy anyone to do better than that.

UPDATE: Oh, dear. Just out of curiosity, I plugged a line from the above quote into Google and came up with this:

The following excerpts were written in 1899 by a Chinese visitor, describing his experience in America (Hwuy-yung, A Chinaman’s Opinion of Us and of His Own Country, London: Chatto and Windus, 1927).  He was writing for Chinese readers who were eager to know what Americans were really like.

Authors Paula Hunt and Glenn “the Bolt” Manton: research FAIL.

UPDATE II: Do click on that link, though. There’s some very funny stuff, including this earth-shattering observation about Americans:

Their arms and ears do not reach to the ground, as we depict them.

Just go to this website (SFW), make sure you have the volume turned up, and marvel.

UPDATE: silpheed points out the unfortunate double-meaning of that company’s name.

Stanley steamer

When you are taking a shower, and a family member or roomate comes into the bathroom and takes a shit at the same time. The mixture of shit smell and hot humid air is absolutely intolerable.

Walked past a car parked out the front of my place today and saw that some dude named Dom has mates who love to play the odd practical joke.

Look a bit closer.