GrodsCorp

Truths of the Left

Thursday 12 April 2007, 11:43 pm

Categories: Baiting Bolta, Completely underwhelming, Environment, Politics, Religion, Science

Hello, I’m John Surname from the highly unpopular Random Brainwave. The Editor invited me to write for this site, and how could I resist?

To begin, I’d like to tell you something.

I’m a lefty.

No, don’t recoil in horror. I am wearing pants. I do not have dreadlocks.

The most surprising part about being on the left is the realisation that people on the right know more about your views than you do:

From A Wanker’s Habitat:

It was a matter of time before the threatened Left sat down and started thinking up ways to muzzle the free blogosphere. The rule of the elite minority attempts to silence the voice of the people yet again.

That’s too rational and intelligent for me to touch.

Then I realised something shocking - she’s right. I’m all about stifling free speech. So, for the first time I intend to outline the truths of the Left, which will come as no surprise to those brave, free-thinking rebels on the right who still deny global warming - what do scientists know anyway?

1. Free speech

We hate free speech. Personally, I really hate it when people disagree with me. The only thing that takes my mind off it is polishing my framed picture of David Hicks. So, we did something really clever here. We encouraged terrorism so that the governments of the world would introduce laws that stifle freedoms - so we don’t have to introduce these laws ourselves! This was a brilliant manouvere. It doesn’t matter that “the people” want to end the war, and that “the people” want the government to do something about global warming. We intend to stifle everyone, even those who agree with us. But especially those who don’t.

2. Multiculturalism

We embrace multiculturalism - why? So that the pure blood of anglo-saxons mixes with the impure blood of everyone else. That way we become one big brown race that loses it’s perfect white values, and adopts uncivillised “African” values. The left wants this, as it’s another way of controling the minds of everyone. Hey, I’m half New Guinean and look at me! It’s not possible to be only half Anglo AND conservative. Try it!

3. Global Warming

Andrew Bolt and his enlightened followers are right. Global Warming is one big religious scam. GrodsCorp personally payed off each and every one of the 2500 scientists of the ICPP report. Why? So that we can destroy the economies of the world’s top countries and plunge the entire planet into the darkness of evil socialism. Hooray!

4. Groupthink

Groupthink is wonderful. It means we don’t have to think for ourselves. We hate that. Instead, we let some socialist/hippie from Warrandyte choose our views for us. The best thing about engaging in groupthink is that you make lots of friends, and everyone likes you. Except Andrew Bolt, and wasn’t he an ex-leftie groupthinker anyway? Maybe that’s why he’s so bitter about the left. Or maybe it’s simply because he went forward in time and read this post.

5. We hate America

Everyone on the left hates America, without question. We all want to bring down Uncle Sam - why? Because….um….America makes us SO MAD!!! They’re like….RICH and we’re, like, not. Or whatever. I’ve got the munchies, I’m going to McDonald’s.

6. We love terrorism

We love religious extremeists pointlessly killing innocent people because they hate America, and we hate America, so by default, we love extremeists!

7. We’re cowards

Yeah, we’re cowards. We don’t oppose war because we are inherently opposed to the idea of senselessly fighting other people’s battles, or looking for fantasy weapons. We’re opposed to war because we’re yellow-bellied and don’t want to be killed in some god-forsaken desert. We might get sand in our weed!

Sure, there is a lot more I could say, but what I have written basically sums up the views of the hateful left. Now that you all know the truth, use it wisely. Even better, join us. You can’t beat us. At least be on the winning team for a change.

16 Comments

The Editor (Friday 13 April 2007, 7:22 am) #

Great first post, John. Proud to have you on board. Wanna meet for a latte and lentil pie?
Bridgit Gread (Friday 13 April 2007, 9:37 am) #

Don’t forget… WE LOVE STALIN AND MAO! And Hitler was ONE OF US!
John S. (Friday 13 April 2007, 10:39 am) #

I see you fixed the tags. I didn’t realise you have categories AND tags. Certainly a step up from Blogger. And The Editor - you know I love that lentil pie, especially if they’re raw.
The Editor (Friday 13 April 2007, 11:47 am) #

You can never use enough methods to sort information. Even if they start to get confusing.
Magic Bellybutton (Friday 13 April 2007, 6:36 pm) #

Tell us what to think, John. Teeeeeell uuuuuus whaaaaaaat tooooooo thiiiiiiiiink…
ben (Friday 13 April 2007, 9:50 pm) #

excellent.
MrLefty (Friday 13 April 2007, 11:34 pm) #

“At least be on the winning team for a change.”

Ouch.
silpheed (Saturday 14 April 2007, 8:55 am) #

hahahahahahaha that was gold
AV (Saturday 14 April 2007, 7:47 pm) #

Can I add to the list?

We love science.
That’s because we’re soulless atheists who are full of emptiness, have no values and hate God. Our grandparents were monkeys. We believe tornadoes passing through junkyards are likely to assemble 747s. We believe dogs can evolve into cats overnight.

We love TEH GAY
That’s because we’re soulless atheists who are full of emptiness, have no values, hate God and hate marriage. We also want to infect your 15-year-old son with AIDS.

We love public education
That’s because public schools are where white Aussie kids are force-fed the ideals of the lentil left under the aegis of “critical thinking.” We want soulless atheist teachers to intellectually sodomise your 15-year-old son with ideas that come straight from Chairman Mao.
Alex (Saturday 14 April 2007, 10:16 pm) #

You people continue that proud tradition of the left; to homosexualislamofascitraiorise our children whilst simultaneously sodomising them.
Mikey (Saturday 14 April 2007, 11:35 pm) #

Pure gold.
John S. (Sunday 15 April 2007, 10:40 am) #

““At least be on the winning team for a change.””

Well, you know Labor is about to roll the Liberals in the elections, and let’s not mention the war, david hicks, global warming….
GrodsCorp » How to be a right-wing blogger (and still be wrong) (Sunday 22 April 2007, 5:54 pm) #

[...] maybe I’m a bit harsh sometimes. I feel that after my “truths of the left” revelation, I should do another post to help you out. You need all the help you can get. Look at [...]
Bruce (Monday 23 April 2007, 9:51 pm) #

Someone has to do “Truths of the Atheists” and “Truths of the Evolutionary Biologists” (the first of the later being that all are of the former, even if only in secret.)
GrodsCorp » BlairWatch #2 - Sideshow Tim gets wackier (Sunday 27 May 2007, 5:46 pm) #

[...] yes, that must be it. It’s another evil leftist plot to control the world! More truths of the left! In fact, the left stands to lose far more, given extreme Islam’s hatred of their pet causes [...]
Krypto (Monday 29 October 2007, 5:31 am) #

quite right, about time someone directed my errant cerebrum in the right direction, I was skirting perilously close to independant though.
Thanks John Surname for setting me on the road to recovery.