GrodsCorp

Blow-by-blow budget

Tuesday 8 May 2007, 7:28 pm

The Editor

Categories: Australia Decides '07

Tags: JoeHockey, JohnHoward, JulieBishop, Liberal, MalcolmTurnbull, PeterCostello, TheBudget

Now that I’ve done got me a MacBook and a wireless router I can access the intertubes from the comfort of the beanbag in my loungeroom. So here comes GrodsCorp’s minute-by-minute analysis of Peter Costello’s budget speech.

7:28pm – Story on ABC News about rhinos that won’t root at Werribee Open Range Zoo.

7:30pm – Bloody hideous opening graphics on ABC. Obviously produced with my eight cents for today but nobody else’s.

7:31pm – Pete forgot to get his assistant to check his tie.

7:32pm – Basically, before 1996 the economy was shit. but overnight (coincidentally the night Howard was elected) the economy got amazing.

7:33pm – Apparently we’ve got to look to the past to look to the future. Nice song lyric, but…

7:35pm – Kevin Rudd is a THIEF! Kevin Rudd STEALS MONEY FROM THE YOUNG PEOPLE OF AUSTRALIA!

7:36pm – Shot of Julie Bishop in safety orange dress. Television explodes.

7:38pm – Performance pay for schools and $5000 bribe for teachers to take PD in Howard’s version of Australian history. 120 days of prac for trainee teachers — can’t wait to hear what schools and unions have to say about that.

7:41pm – Pete looks tired. Needs a Berocca and exposure to sunlight.

7:43pm – Tax cuts. “I pay my taxes!”

7:46pm – Profile of Pete reveals hunch in back. Needs to drink milk.

7:48pm – Roads, roads, roads. Howard has a little chuckle to himself after a particularly gentlemanly “hear, hear.” Teeth nearly slip out side of mouth.

7:50pm – Howard reading over Mark Vaile’s shoulder like a dude on the train reading somebody else’s MX.

7:52pm – 16 extra dentists in regional areas! We’re saved!

7:53pm – Pete starts talking about climate change; Howard starts looking shifty. Shot of Malcolm Turnbull reveals he is sitting as far away from Joe Hockey as possible. Must be a sweaty day in Parliament.

7:55pm – Government working hard to tackle climate change overseas because that doesn’t cost a single mining or forestry job over here.

7:58pm – Drought: cue sombre voice.

7:59pm – Army: continue sombre voice. Shot of Brendan Nelson — forehead appears to have grown larger. Obviously some kind of elephantitis.

8:00pm – Purchase of new Super Hornets to “ensure air superiority in ~~the region~~ Australia.”

8:01pm – Credit to small business and employers. Because employees have nothing to do with the success of business.

8:02pm – Weak round of applause from House. Weak cough from Pete. Cue grade seven digital literacy project ABC opening graphics and cue Tony Jones’ hideous tie.

8:05pm – Metallica documentary on ABC2.

7 Comments

Slim (Tuesday 8 May 2007, 8:14 pm) #

Thanks for that - the kids wanted to watch The Simpsons. Seems like I didn’t miss much and you covered the main points.
The Editor (Tuesday 8 May 2007, 8:21 pm) #

I wish I’d watched The Simpsons.
Mikey (Tuesday 8 May 2007, 10:11 pm) #

Gold coverage. Am reading Ross Gittens to find out actually what this all means.
J, The (Wednesday 9 May 2007, 10:46 am) #

Kate and I got together and in traditional ex-Canberra-ite fashion settled in with takeaway to watch the Budget speech and the commentary.

There was a lot of stuff which naturally pissed me off - throwing money at people instead of investing in the social service and housing areas that are causing such a big increase in the strain on income; pathetic attempt to make up for wholesale destruction of higher ed; that sort of thing.

But fortunately the post-Budget interviews on hte ABC aways provide some light relief. My favourite segment of the post-Budget interview by Kerry O’Brien and Tony Jones of Peter Costello was when Kerry O’Brien found himself caught in a John Clark style skit with Peter Costello on whether or not he received carbon trading advice three years ago from Treasury. It went something like the following:

Q: Did you receive advice from Ken Henry three years ago that you should do carbon trading?
A: (pause) The government has a taskforce which will report in a few months from now.
Q: That doesn’t answer my question. Did you receive advice three years ago…
A: How could I have received the advice when it is going to be forthcoming with the taskforce’s report? (tries to look like a helpless old man struggling with a complex metaphysical question of relativity instead of a question about the past as opposed to the future).
Q: I’m asking you about advice from three years aog, but you clearly aren’t going to answer the question so let’s move on…
A: No Kerry, no, with all due respect I have answered the question.
Q: Have you? (laughs) No you haven’t - the question was, did you receive advice, three years ago, to do carbon trading, yes or no?
A: We have a taskforce which will be reporting in three months time.
John Surname (Wednesday 9 May 2007, 3:41 pm) #

“I wish I’d watched The Simpsons.”

It was terrific. If only they could make the budget as interesting as Homer clubbing fish in slow motion to the tune of “At last my love has come along”.
Mikey (Wednesday 9 May 2007, 5:58 pm) #

That costello riff is gold. These people more in such a hyper unreal place that to him it would have been politically true.

Of course why even bother with a pretense. These guys are the worst liars I have ever come across in politics.
strider (Thursday 10 May 2007, 10:51 am) #

Super Hornets? Cool. I stopped paying attention after the tax cuts - that’s what really interests me, although we could do with cutting more spending and giving more money back to taxpayers.