That politics and religion should be separated
(Read the whole debate)

First affirmative: Magic Bellybutton

When I said “be gentle” I didn’t mean give me the easy argument – I meant let me win regardless! Never mind. What is done is done.

My jejune competitor is going to try to bamboozle you with ghetto talk and fake personal ads, to cover up the lack of veracity in his arguments. He’ll probably try to pull the old “religious people are liars as are politicians ergo they belong together” trick. That’s a pathetic ruse. I would never resort to cheap gags to win my argument.

Let us take one religion and apply it to the Australian parliament.

Dig, if you will, the picture of Scientologists in charge of our country. Contrary to what those of us who are grounded in reality know, Scientology is a religion. Yes my friends, aliens are among us, and what better place for them to be than in Parliament.

Well, no actually. See, the basis of Scientology is that our souls come from the Galactic Confederacy and a megalomaniac alien named Xenu bombed the living shit out of them (no doubt ’cause he didn’t like the colour of their skin).

The remaining bits are known as thetans and they are what have infested the human beings on this planet, causing harm. Blah blah blah, hand over thousands of dollars and allegedly reach enlightenment (control the rouge thetans or something. I don’t know the details, sue me. It’s not exactly an interesting story.)

Basically, the country would be run by a bunch of people who think they are really from another planet and they only need to keep giving money to their church, become enlightened, then move beyond the physical plane, leaving the rest of us to fend for ourselves. Not really operating in the best interests of the general public, is it?

Imagine before each cabinet sitting, the PM forcing the ministers to watch Battlefield Earth. Surely voters would see that no one deserves that – not even politicians.

Instead of Senate enquiries, people would be “audited”. Before voting on the newly introduced bill to allow gay marriage (the person who introduced it sent off to be re-educated), Senators would be required to disclose whether nor not they’d ever had homosexual thoughts, and the new Senate rules would prevent them from casting a vote because they have biased points of view. Hell, Bob Brown and Penny Wong wouldn’t even be allowed to run for Senate!

Required reading for all schoolchildren would be the entire oeuvre of L Ron Hubbard. Mmmmmm… thrilling. Before running for office you’d have to take “parliamentarian tests” to ensure you know your Hubbard. You could guarantee that only the most dedicated Scientologists would be running for office.

The PM wouldn’t be voted for by the members of the ruling party either. Oh no. As an OT III or above, you would automatically be in the running. The higher the OT level, the more likely you are to become PM. When Hubbard eventually returns to earth (all Scientologists know that he will), he will automatically become PM. Theocracy at work!

Once they’ve taken over the government, they’ll move into your home. Criticise Scientology – your family will shun you and you be sent to a detention centre to be re-educated. You’ll spend the rest of your life working to pay off your time spent there because the extensive mandatory “auditing” will have to be paid for by you.

Spending on public health would be down – all anyone needs to fix most ailments is some sunshine and a nice big smile! All that extra cash would be used to build training centres and fund the Fair Game policy that allows for the church to discredit anyone who is critical of their practices. All for the good of the country, you understand.

Just think - Tom Cruise for PM. Kirstie Alley as Deputy. (She’d need to be Health Minister. Make sure all those people who believe they are depressed just get out and get some sunshine. Round up all the psychiatrists before they start WW3.) James Packer would be Treasurer. He’d run the place just as well as he did One-Tel.

Aliens. Imaginary friends. One True Way. In short, religion makes people crazy. Do you want your country run by a bunch of nutbags whose sanity is holding on by the thinnest of threads?