GrodsCorp

GrodsCageFight 2: First negative

Friday 7 December 2007, 11:01 am

John Surname

Categories: GrodsCageFight, Politics, Religion

Tags: FamilyFirst, GrodsCageFight, IraqWar, JohnSurname, MagicBellybutton, SteveFielding, TheCrusades, TonyAbbott

That politics and religion should be separated
(Read the whole debate)

First negative: John Surname

“And God said, let there be light! And Lo, there was. The Lord was very pleased with this new invention, because now he could get a suntan. But he wasn’t finished yet. He knew he would have to find something to fuck up his creation. It was too perfect for the humans he was yet to create. The Lord stood to his full height and thundered “LET THERE BE POLITICIANS!”

Good morning distinguished guests, bloggers and assorted riff-raff. I am John Surname and for the next 600 words I’d like to present the negative side of this debate.

You see, what Magic Bellybutton knows and essentially ignored is that God is the original politician. He is the ultimate politician. You can protest. You can demand a recount. You can even vote for the Greens, but He has declared himself President-For-Life and there ain’t nothin’ you can do about it. Just like John Howard, God believes in the illusion of choice. We can vote Labor, and we can vote Liberal, we can even vote for God’s favourite party, Family First but it doesn’t make any difference as He is still calling the shots as leaders from all parties are too pathetic and lowly to reject Him.

God not only believes in capital punishment, He invented it. If you tried to pull any shit in His time he would smite you with a thunderbolt from the sky. God also invented Homophobia, and hasn’t that one lasted? In fact, many of our laws today derive from His parchment, The Best Little Whorehouse in Sodom (later renamed the Bible).

My esteemed opponent chose to imagine what life would be like if politics were controlled by a fake religion. That is rubbish. Scientology will never be in control as He wouldn’t allow it. Instead of making up fake hypotheticals, let’s see what good religion has done in politics:

1. Tony Abbott.
Tony Abbott is not only one of Australia’s finest politicians, he is one of Australia’s finest men. His loyal devotion to the Lord, and opposition to RU486 (known by God as Satan’s Pill) has earned him a special place in Heaven. The Lord believes that we should all strive to be more like Tony Abbott, and less like 50 Cent.

2. The Crusades.
Although the Crusades weren’t always successful, the Lord thought they were awesome and absolutely supported their aims. Even though they never took back the Holy Lands, the Crusaders got the last laugh as they are in Heaven, and the Muslims, like all Muslims, are burning in Hell.

3. The Iraq War
The Iraq War was an excellent piece of foreign policy that tops the achievements of the glorious Bush Administration. Bush has been reported as saying that God told him to do it. My source tells me this is entirely true.

4. Family First.
The Lord thinks Family First are, quote, “Lyk totally genius man!”. His favourite part is the clever way they hide their religious beliefs under the banner of “families”. God thinks this is hilarious because He doesn’t give a shit about families, Hell, he even allowed his own son to die. The truth of the matter is, Family First are a prank played on us by Steve Fielding (in consultation with God). I mean, how to do you think Steve Fielding wound up in the Senate? You can’t tell me there wasn’t more than a little divine intervention there!

In concluding, it frankly doesn’t matter what you do or who you vote for, as the moral standards He set down thousands of years ago still govern our lives today. He is President-For-Life and will remain so until the Sun swallows the Earth is a spectacular lightshow that we will all miss, but he will enjoy quite thoroughly.

20 Comments

Magic Bellybutton (Friday 7 December 2007, 12:36 pm) #

Piss poor effort there. PISS POOR. I expected better.
John Surname (Friday 7 December 2007, 12:45 pm) #

Let’s take this outside.
Magic Bellybutton (Friday 7 December 2007, 12:49 pm) #

You fight like a girl
John Surname (Friday 7 December 2007, 12:57 pm) #

You mix metaphors OH ZING!!!!1!!
The Editor (Friday 7 December 2007, 1:33 pm) #

Steve Fielding is a fucktard.
krypto (Friday 7 December 2007, 3:54 pm) #

ha ha you said “Steve Fielding”
Which one is Pink? (Friday 7 December 2007, 10:38 pm) #

Steve ruined the ANZAC day dawn service this year with his self centered bullshit. I have emailed the Editor detailing his c*nt act.
Mikey (Saturday 8 December 2007, 12:43 am) #

While MB’s argument I agreed with, I gotta go with JS for sheer obstinacy.

“Tony Abbott is not only one of Australia’s finest politicians, he is one of Australia’s finest men. ”

Pure gold.
Magic Bellybutton (Saturday 8 December 2007, 1:29 am) #

He must have wanted to vomit when writing those words.
John Surname (Saturday 8 December 2007, 9:45 am) #

Yes…wanted to…
Which one is Pink? (Saturday 8 December 2007, 10:52 am) #

Okay, Stevo is old news. Who is trying for the Phantom comic? I know I am and I’d better fkn win so I can wipe my arse with it and send it back.
John Surname (Saturday 8 December 2007, 10:54 am) #

check your jimmy scullin email address!
Which one is Pink? (Saturday 8 December 2007, 11:01 am) #

The fucker is rigging his hit counter. It is going backwards!!!
John Surname (Saturday 8 December 2007, 11:07 am) #

got it!
Which one is Pink? (Saturday 8 December 2007, 11:10 am) #

Who is opening the CHAMPAGNE!
Which one is Pink? (Saturday 8 December 2007, 11:21 am) #

Back to Stevo, he is a good looking man too.
David Heidelberg (Wednesday 19 December 2007, 8:07 pm) #

The Crusaders captured Jerusalem and maintained a Kingdom in Outremer for over 200 years.
Agent Starling (Thursday 20 December 2007, 9:14 am) #

Aren’t you meant to be dead David? Or are you a different David Heidelberg?
AV (Thursday 20 December 2007, 11:48 am) #

David Heidelberg

What the??
Bruce (Friday 21 December 2007, 11:02 am) #

David Heidelberg (Wednesday 19 December 2007, 8:07 pm) #

The Crusaders captured Jerusalem and maintained a Kingdom in Outremer for over 200 years.

I dunno. The reference to the crusades, rather than other points raised, seems more Mike Jericho, El Cid, etc-AWH to me.

Anyone wanna mail me a IP address for me to tinker around with?