Far be it from me to bring GrodsCorp into disrepute so early into my tenure, but as a concerned citizen I feel duty-bound to call to your attention some of the filth I’ve seen recently on shop signs.

As if rampant consumerism and guerrilla marketing weren’t revolting enough…

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BOX CANYON
Menswear

Any reasonable person who heard this name would assume Courtney Love had opened some kind of theme park.

And menswear? That makes as much sense as naming a dress shop Timberland.

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PENETRATION CLOTHING
Anything but

In my limited experience of penetration, I’ve found that very little clothing tends — or needs — to be worn.

Shoppers venturing into this store in the hope of finding an exclusive range of white bobby-socks, truckers’ caps and black stilettos will be sorely disappointed.

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BROWN GOUGE
Dry cleaning

This is just plain insensitive. My brown gouge is the reason I keep having to take my trousers to the dry cleaner.

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JOCKS CONCRETE PUMPING
Christ only knows

Legend has it the owner’s wife talked him out of naming the business Shit-A-Brick.

He swore at the time that he appreciated the wisdom of her advice, but he’s never quite forgiven her.

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SQUAT & GOBBLE
Café and crepery

Came across this one in San Francisco’s Castro district last year and was initially impressed: “Touché, Mr Self-Deprecating Café Owner,” I thought.

But an Asian-inspired dish on the menu reminded me that in some parts of the world, squatting is a mostly utilitarian act with undeniably satisfying but less-than-savoury results.

I was powerless to stop the subsequent mental images of coprophagia which, naturally, led to thoughts of Andrew Landeryou.

By that time I’d completely lost my appetite. And my capacity to feel love.