It all started back in September 2006 when GrodsCorp created a half-baked character called Lachlan Connor who starred in a half-baked internet mockumentary called Lachlan Connor, Independent. And it was all supposed to end in January 2008 when we pumped out the final episode of the series, wrapping up Lachlan’s story by having him audition for the 2008 series of Big Brother.

But it didn’t end there.

Lachlan’s audition video was uploaded to the Big Brother website a few days before entries closed and was viewed barely 100 times with one or two votes before the cut off date; yet Lachlan somehow progressed through to the second round of auditions despite there being hundreds of audition videos that were far more popular and the fact that a really casual Google of Lachlan’s name reveals him to be imaginary.

From: Big Brother 2008 (bigbrother @bigbrother.com.au)
To: Lachlan Connor (lachlanconnor @gmail.com)
Date: Jan 11, 2008 1:12 PM
Subject: BB08: Congratulations, you’ve made it to the next stage!

Congratulations. You have been selected to progress to the next stage of Big Brother auditions… and your BB08 experience has begun!

You now need to fill out a questionnaire. This will help us learn more about you.

When you click on the link below, you’ll be taken to the questionnaire. You must complete this by Wed Jan 16 2008 , 5pm AEST in order to be considered for the next round.

You will need to enter your username and password that you created when you joined the Big Brother site. If you have forgotten this, please visit www.ten.com.au and go to the sign in/register section.

The URL is:

* link *

It’s important we remind you that you must click to indicate you agree to our Terms and Conditions and Confidentiality agreement. These are the same conditions that you agreed to when you submitted your initial application and they continue to apply to you throughout the selection process.

Good luck! We’ll be in touch if you are successful in moving through to the next round.

The Big Brother Team

So how could I resist logging into the Big Brother system and filling out their silly questionnaire? Little did I know that I would squander three hours of my life making up answers to 123 questions like these:

(Selected highlights only. Go here to read Lachlan’s response to all 123 questions.)

14) Tell us in at least 300 words about your childhood. Where did you grow up? What was your family life like?
I grew up in a fairly normal family. I have three sisters and a brother; we are all very close. My family has always had pets and my current cat, Napoleon, is like a family member too.

I loved going to the beach with my sisters and my Mum and Dad for weekends and family holidays. I remember that my brother hated the beach because he hated the feeling of sand in his clothes and dried salt on his skin. My sisters and I used to tease him heaps.

We spent the first 20 years of my life in Brisbane before we moved to Melbourne for my Dad’s work. I didn’t really like the move at first because I had to leave my girlfriend behind but it wasn’t long before I made new friends and, most importantly, a new (better) girlfriend.

I attended public primary and high schools and was an average achiever in all academic and non-academic areas. I had a wide circle of friends and a fairly constant string of girlfriends. My bloke friends tell me that I have a bit of a way with ladies.

I completed a Bachelor of Arts at RMIT where I was active in many clubs and societies, from silly ones like the beer club, to serious ones like the environment club.

Funny thing is, despite having done very grown up things like run for Parliament, I don’t really feel like I’ve grown up.

15) Describe your family life now. Has it changed since you were a child?
I don’t speak to my siblings quite as often as I’d like to but not because we’ve moved apart. More because we’re all busy and don’t get on the phone as much as we should. I see my brother every couple of weeks at the pub for a bit of a session and try to have lunch with my sisters whenever I can.

I talk to my Mum and Dad on the phone every week — they live in Brisbane again now. I love them deeply.

16) Do you have any brothers and sisters? Tell us about each of them (including their names and dates of birth).
Susie (2/6/72) is my eldest sibling. She’s a bit crazy but, strangely, quite mature as well. She is married with two adorable kids and works in HR.

Craig (4/9/74) is a bit of a sook but my mate all the same. He’s a bachelor like me but shares the Connor way with the ladies.

Bree (23/5/78) is a total loose-canon. She’s a bit irresponsible but lovable all the same. Bree has been with her boyfriend for a few years and the whole family is waiting for them to get married.

Heather (1/1/81) Is the baby of the family and we all treat her like that — despite the fact she hates it. Heather is still at uni after all these years and seems she will never finish her BA.

19) How would you describe the role you play in your family’s dynamics?
I’m a bit of a peacekeeper for my sisters when things get out of hand in that lovable, bitchy way. I help my shy brother interact with the others when he’s having a bit of trouble.

21) How does your family describe you?
They say that I’m ambitious and tend to make things happen. They like the fact that I follow through on things when I say I’m going to do them, like run for Parliament.

Mum and Dad reckon I’m responsible and trustworthy. My brother reckons I’m never willing to pay for my round, and my sisters reckon I’m crap at selecting their Christmas gifts.

22) Who in your family are you closest to? Why?
Depends, really. For drunken heart-to-heart stuff it would be my brother but for sober, responsible stuff it would have to be my sister Susie. I think I relate slightly better to Craig because of the male-male thing but I get on with Susie well because we’re quite similar.

24) Name three things you could not do without in the house and why.
* News and current affairs because I’m a total junkie and love knowing what’s going on in the world.
* Books because I absolutely love reading.
* My cat Napoleon because I love him to bits.

25) What are your best qualities?
I am passionate, sensitive and intuitive. I am an independent thinker who doesn’t take anything on board without critically examining it. I have a reasonably high threshold for frustration and other people whose traits annoy me.

26) Tell us about any bad habits you have (be honest!)
I guess I can be a bit self-righteous and a bit of a know-it-all, although it’s often just my superior knowledge in most matters that annoys other people.

27) What habits and behaviour do you find most annoying in others?
I find sloppy thinking and sloppy self-discipline annoying. I do tend to get annoyed when other people’s behaviour doesn’t meet my own standards.

28) Do you have any phobias? What?
Not really. Maybe just spiders and snakes.

29) What three things frustrate you most about every day life?
* Not enough hours in every day — too much to do.
* People who get in my way by being disinterested.
* Liberal voters.

30) What is your biggest achievement?
Without a doubt running for the Senate at the 2007 election and having the honour of people voting for me.

31) What are your life ambitions?
I want to make a real difference in my country and in the world. I want to help steer this country in the right direction by taking part in the great Australian democracy experiment. I will improve my children’s lives by being a member of Parliament.

32) What is your most prized possession and why? Who gave it to you or did you buy it yourself?
I hate to call a pet a possession but it has to be Napoleon. My ex-flatmate Heather gave him to me after my previous cat, Molly, was killed in a tragic road accident. My life would be empty without Napoleon.

37) List your three favourite films or actors. Any special reason?
* Milo and Otis — Just too cute for words.
* The Shawshank Redemption — I know everyone says this one but it’s still a great film.
* The Truman Show — How ironic.

38) List your three favorite books or authors. Any special reason?
* The Da Vinci Code — WOW!
* Anything by Clive Cussler — Talk about page turner.
* Anything by Steven King — Don’t read it just before sleeping!

39) Tell us in at least 200 words about a topic you know more about than anyone else.
I just love Australian politics. I think there is no more important thing in our lives yet most people seem so ignorant about the people and system that governs their lives.

I’m a total news junkie and consume news from when I wake up until I go to sleep. Radio, newspapers, TV, it doesn’t matter. Anyone who is willingly ignorant about the politics of their own country loses a bit of my respect.

Of course, having run for Parliament myself I have a more intimate knowledge of Australian politics than almost anyone I meet. I know all about the technicalities of the system, the various political parties and trains-of-though, the theories and practices, the policies, and the controversies.

For my 2007 campaign I boned up especially on the campaigning methods of past candidates in order to not repeat their mistakes and increase my own chances.

I’m a total political expert.

40) In your quietest moments, what do you think or dream about?
How this country could be and how its people don’t seem to care enough to change the things they whinge about.

41) What does happiness mean to you? What makes you happy?
Happiness is the ultimate state of being. It is what we all strive for.

Happiness is good friends, intelligent conversation, good wine, top food. Knowing that my family loves me and that my cat is sleeping on my lap.

42) What famous person do you admire most and why?
Nelson Mandela. He struggled bravely for so long and in the end his calm nature, goodness of heart, and patience broke down ignorance, bigotry and hatred.

43) Who would you have dinner with and why? – Nicole Kidman, Ben Cousins or Britney Spears?
Ben Cousins. I’d like to tell him what a bad example he’s setting for the youth of this country.

44) What makes you sad?
The terrible state of our planet and country and the fact that nobody really seems to care. From environmental crises to genocide in Africa. We can do so much better than this but we don’t seem to want to.

45) What makes you angry?
The same as what makes me sad. Plus I hate rude people who keep being rude even after you try even harder to be nice to them.

46) How do you generally manage your anger?
I suppress it unless I think that letting it out at the target of my anger would benefit from hearing what I have to say. They might initially be stunned but in the long run they learn something about themselves.

47) What techniques do you employ to best manage stress in your life?
I know it sounds funny but sitting on my couch alone in my house with my cat on my lap, a glass of red in my hand, and some tunes on the CD player.

48) Which historical or mythical figure do you think you are most like? Why?
I think Mark Latham without the crazy. If you put aside the fact he was a bit nuts he was actually an admirable man. He fought doggedly against the power structures to try and achieve the democratisation of power. He spoke his mind and didn’t care what other people thought.

49) Have you ever had to share a bedroom? When? Tell us anything you found uncomfortable about it.
Lots of times. During my life-changing world travel across Europe on a Contiki tour for eight weeks and shared dorms with other travellers. I didn’t mind it for the most part but found it slightly off-putting when I was trying to have an intimate moment with one of the ladies and other people were doing the same. It kind of kills the mood.

50) How do you really feel about being filmed 24 hours a day? In at least 100 words, tell us about any aspects of it you are uncomfortable about?
I don’t think anybody could honestly be totally comfortable with it but I’m pretty cool overall. Obviously it will be hard to go to the toilet on camera, and I think there will be times that I just want to be 100% alone but I reckon I’ll get through them okay. Knowing that other people are in the same situation as me will make the experience a bit easier I reckon.

51) How do you feel about the possibility of being seen naked by viewers on in intimate situations?
Nudity doesn’t worry me one bit — it’s very natural. Again, the intimate thing will take some getting used to but if the intimacy and strength of feeling is real then I’m sure that will overcome any uncomfortableness

52) Tell us in at least 200 words how you feel about having no contact with the outside world for approximately 3 months? This includes having NO access to TV, newspapers, radio, CD, computer or mobile phone.
This is probably the hardest part of Big Brother for me. As I’ve said I’m a total news junkie and I reckon giving news up will be like giving cigarettes up. I will have to work hard to suppress my natural curiosity and try to think about other things.

I’ll find it tough to live without books as they’re a great way to get your mind off things and just escape for a while. The need to constantly socialise without escaping into fantasy for a while will be tough.

Other TV and music will be easier, although not easy. I’m sure I’ll overcome that one pretty quickly.

Having said all that, I’m prepared for the challenge and reckon that I’m totally up for it.

53) Who do you live with and what’s your relationship to them? How long have you lived there?
I don’t live with anyone. I previously had a flatmate who was like a sister to me. I’ve lived in this house (mine) for about four years.

54) Tell us how you spend your days. If you work tell us about your job; if you’re a student tell us how you spend your time etc.
Until very recently I spent my entire days campaigning for election but now that the election is over I’m back to normal. At the moment I work part time (about three days) as a traffic surveyor which means I am allocated to a road point and survey traffic patterns.

When I’m not working I’m generally working on the draft of a book I’m writing about my experience as a political candidate.

55) If you aren’t doing your dream job - what would it be?
Hands down: politician.

60) Do you have any hidden talents or unusual hobbies or interests?
I’m a very good public speaker and actually enjoy addressing crowds. I’m good at getting across complicated messages in a simple and engaging manner.

61) How do your friends describe you?
They say that I’m driven, fun-loving, and a natural leader. They like the fact that if there’s a social outing to organise I’ll take care of it. They love the fact that I will be last one at the bar with whoever’s leftover talking crap or high culture until the sun comes up.

62) How would you best describe three of your closest friends?
Jacob is a close mate of mine who is a lovely guy but a bit unreliable. He’s got a heart of gold but doesn’t always have the motivation or commitment to back it up.

Heather (not my sister) is probably my closest friend and she’s like my fourth sister. She looks after me when I’m down and is my partner-in-crime when I’m up. Don’t tell her I said this but she’s like my soulmate without the sex.

John is another good mate who is just the best guy around for a laugh. He’s constantly cracking jokes even when the mood’s down. I know he’s trying to make people happy but sometimes he needs to know when to stop and get serious.

63)Have you ever fallen out with friends? Why?
Most of them at some stage — it’s a normal stage of friendship. Often there’s a misunderstanding where my friends just fail to do the right thing and I get a bit disappointed with them. Not angry, but disappointed. I do understand that I can have very high standards sometimes and that’s unfair.

We always make up in the end, though.

64) Tell us about a recent example of a person you have found hard to get along with. Why did you not like them? Why did your personalities clash?
A young man who was volunteering on my campaign rubbed me right up the wrong way because he was immature and wouldn’t take the task seriously. He failed to understand the gravity of the tasks he was allocated and this meant that he was disrespecting me. I’m all fine with jokes and stuff but there’s a line.

66) Tell us about your relationship history, the different people you have had relationships with and whether you are still in contact with them. What was their (full) name?
My most serious high school girlfriend was Gloria Stewart and she was fantastic. We had the most fun together, although we only made to last base just before we broke up.

After high school there was a bit of a drought until the Contiki tour where I formed relationships with three girls: Vicki, Emma and Michelle (I don’t know their last names). I know it sounds weird but they were all really meaningful relationships and I feel them guiding me in my soul.

The only other serious relationship was with Laura who I was with for some years. We were very close and even bought this house together. We broke up because we just drifted apart and we’re not very good friends any more. Since then she has slept with my friend Jacob.

67) Are you happy with your current relationship, or lack of it? How did it happen?
I’m not happy being single. I’ll be honest. I just haven’t found the right woman since breaking up and I was soooo busy with my campaign. Hopefully things will turn around now.

68) What was your most significant relationship? What happened?
That would be Laura. As I said, we were like soulmates at the start and started drifting apart at the end. It all finished when she went a bit mental and threw all of my things out of the house onto the porch. However, I got the house because I was the only one who could afford to buy the other out.

69) Have you ever had your heart broken? What happened and when?
See above. Laura broke my heart. I thought we could patch things up but she just went berko.

70) Is there anyone you once loved (your first love perhaps) and are still not over?
Not really. I’ve kind of moved on from all of my loves. I felt that we parted as our joint journeys through life ended. I still feel close to them but it’s time for all of us to fly separately.

72) Are you usually the dumper or the dumpee? What happens and why do you think that is?
Although they’re mostly 50/50 I guess that I’m usually the dumpee. I guess it’s because I have generally higher standards and levels of commitment and motivation.

73) What is the worst way you have dumped someone, or been dumped?
It’ll have to be Laura chucking my stuff out the front window — electronics included. Break my heart but not my CD Discman. Plus I hated having to split all of our chattels. A very messy way to break up.

74) Describe your ideal relationship.
A loving woman who is respectful, good looking, intelligent, curious, motivated and committed. She would be supportive of all my endeavours and willing to help me in any way that I ask. She would pull her weight in maintaining my house and try hard to like my friends.

We would enjoy intelligent conversation, fine food and good wine; outdoors activities and intimate weekends away.

75) If you could start all over, what would you like to change in your life?
I would probably attempt to build my political capital a bit earlier in my twenties. I would also do a political science degree at university. I might try to pick a few of my friends a bit better as well because once you’ve picked friends you’re more-or-less stuck with them.

76) What do you expect from the future? Where would you like to be in ten years?
I expect nothing but success — I’m a bit like that. I WILL be in Parliament in ten years improving this country and the world.

77) While you’re in the house, it’s likely that ex-lovers, former friends etc, may come forward to tell the world what you’re ‘really’ like - how do you feel about this? Can you guess who might spill the beans?
Look, to be brutally honest I don’t really care. I’m confident enough in the way I’ve lived my life that I know viewers will judge the people spilling beans against what they know of me and select a side accordingly.

I’m fairly certain that Laura would have some pretty scandalous (and incorrect) stuff to say about me.

79) Have you ever been to a funeral? Tell us about it, including who it was and how they died.
The only funeral I’ve been to was for a work colleague who I wasn’t very close to. The person died in a traffic accident (he was hit by a car). I can’t say I have any real feelings about the experience other than thinking about if the same accident could happen to me at work.

93) Between the months of April to August is there anything in your daily routine (ie feeding your dog/cat/animal, caring for a family member, work etc), that would preclude you from being part of Big Brother?
I would get a friend to look after my cat, so no.

94) Please provide the following details for your present/most recent job: Company name, Job title, Start date, End date, Address, telephone number
I am self-employed as a contractor.

95) Please provide the following details for your second most recent job: Company name, Job title, Start date, End date, Address, telephone number
Again, I was self-employed as the owner of a CD shop.

96) Please provide the following details for your third most recent job: Company name, Job title, Start date, End date, Address, telephone number
Again, see above, although that business was an Amway franchise.

104) Do you have any food allergies or special dietary requirements?
I dislike asparagus and anything brown but that’s about it.

112) You are the absolute ruler of Australia, do you: Decriminalise drugs? Yes /No /Don’t care.
No

113) You are the absolute ruler of Australia, do you: Castrate Paedophiles? Yes /No /Don’t care
No

114) You are the absolute ruler of Australia, do you: Legalise gay marriages? Yes /No /Don’t care
Yes

115) You are the absolute ruler of Australia, do you: Lower the age of sexual consent? Yes /No /Don’t care
Yes

116) You are the absolute ruler of Australia, do you: Reduce immigration into Australia? Yes /No /Don’t care
No

117) You are the absolute ruler of Australia, do you: Reintroduce capital punishment? Yes /No /Don’t care
No

118) You are the absolute ruler of Australia, do you: Abolish the dole? Yes /No /Don’t care
No

119) You are the absolute ruler of Australia, do you: Declare a republic and commission a new flag? Yes /No /Don’t care
Yes

120) You are the absolute ruler of Australia, do you: Ban schoolies week? Yes /No /Don’t care
Yes

121) You are the absolute ruler of Australia, do you: Make Shane Warne the Minister of Communications? Yes /No /Don’t care
No

122) May we use your first name in press communications?
Yes

123) I hereby agree that I have answered these questions to the best of my knowledge.
Yes

I wish I’d done that exercise before shooting the Lachlan Connor, Indpendent series because I’ve actually got a really good idea of Lachlan’s character now: he’s an arsehole.

I honestly thought that a bunch of crap like that would give the game away pretty quickly but it seemed that the Big Brother producers were quite taken with Mr Connor and thought he might add something to the house.

From: Big Brother 2008 (bigbrother@bigbrother.com.au)
To: Lachlan Connor (lachlanconnor@gmail.com)
Date: Jan 22, 2008 7:53 AM
Subject: BB08: Audition Invitation

AUDITION INVITATION

To: Lachlan Connor

Congratulations on making it through to the next stage of the Big Brother audition process. You have been selected to attend an audition with other short-listed applicants.

THE DETAILS FOR YOUR AUDITION ARE:

Date: Sunday 3rd Feb

Location: Mercure Hotel Melbourne
13 Spring Street
Melbourne
Ph: 03 – 9205 9999

Time: 07:30 AM – Promptly

Driving: Wilsons Car Park
32 Flinders Lane
(Take car park ticket to reception of Mercure Hotel for this discounted conference rate of $25.00.
Car park payment made to hotel reception).

Train: Nearest train station “Parliament Street”. Take Spring St exit.

Tram: Tram stop directly outside hotel.

Clothing: Wear something comfortable and casual.

Reminder: Please bring your original drivers license or passport and a photocopy.

RSVP: bigbrother@bigbrother.com.au

RSVP – IMPORTANT INFORMATION!

Please e-mail us at bigbrother@bigbrother.com.au to confirm receipt of this audition invitation. Please do this now.
Let us know if you will need to attend the audition in an alternative state.

* Auditions will start at 07:30am. Please do not be late.
* You will need to make yourself available for the entire day.
* You must arrive and attend alone.
* No cameras or sound recording is permitted.
* You will be required to sign a confidentiality agreement on the day.
* You will also be required to sign a release form consenting to being filmed during the auditions, as well as a Criminal History Check application form.
* No dress requirements – come as you are, but be aware that the audition day will involve some physical activity.
* You MUST BRING THE ORIGINAL AND A recognisable photocopy of EITHER your driver’s licence or passport.
* It is your own responsibility to make your way to and from the audition. It is also your responsibility to cover all costs involved in attending the audition.
* A light lunch, tea and coffee will be available on the day.
* If you are eventually selected to be a Big Brother housemate, you must be available from late March to mid August 2008.
* Any queries regarding the auditions may be emailed to the following address: bigbrother@bigbrother.com.au.

FRIENDLY REMINDER:

* Do not speak to the other applicants before or after the auditions. Do not attempt to contact any other applicant at any time after the auditions. Anyone found swapping phone numbers will automatically be disqualified.

* All applicants must understand that from this moment on you may not discuss any details regarding your participation in the Housemate selection process with anyone - work colleagues, friends and family or press. There are no exceptions unless expressly permitted in writing by the producers.

* This includes all previous involvement and future participation.

* Any applicant found to be in breach of these rules will be instantly disqualified from either entering or staying in the House.

* You should also immediately alert the producers if anyone approaches you regarding your participation in Big Brother.

* If any of your personal details or circumstances have changed since your application video, you must inform the producers. If you are selected as a Big Brother Housemate and any of your circumstances change between now and the launch of the show, you must inform the producers.

Thank you & good luck.

Big Brother

But it’s here that, sadly, the Lachlan Connor vs. Big Brother experiment must come to an end. I was really looking forward to attending the live auditions with my glasses off (that’s the Lachlan Connor costume — just like Superman) so I could bring GrodsReaders a firsthand report on the antics of the day, but I simply don’t have a driver’s license with Lachlan’s name on it and am not sure if I could be arsed securing one. The day after the email was sent I received a call from the Big Brother producers, Southern Star, checking to see that Lachlan got the audition information. Unfortunately, the call went through to my voicemail and a confused sounding person mumbled something about “I thought this was Lachlan Connor’s phone number.”

Let’s all take a moment to reflect on just how Lachlan Connor would have fared in the Big Brother house and how his anally-retentive and arrogant ways would have brought amusement and joy to, like, heaps of viewers around the country.

Big Brother will be a poorer program without him.

UPDATE (26/1): Big Brother just can’t get over Lachlan Connor. In the last two days I have received well over a dozen phone calls from Southern Star (that I’ve let go through to voice mail) along with this email:

From: Nick (XXXXXXX@sstar.com.au>
To: lachlanconnor@gmail.com
Date: Jan 24, 2008 3:35 PM
Subject: Reminder

Hi Lachlan,

We recently sent you an invitation to an audition in Melbourne on Sunday 3rd February. We need you to respond to that e-mail with an RSVP as soon as possible. I’ve tried calling you on your contact numbers but I can’t get hold of you. If you have any questions please call me on 02 9202 XXXX.

If you have not responded by 5pm on Friday 25th January we will have to assume your response is a NO.

Kind regards,

Nick BB