GrodsCorp

A hole lotta love

Friday 15 February 2008, 1:07 am

Ant Rogenous

Categories: Life

Tags: AustralianHeroes, crotch, hole, jeans, sickos

Here’s a vexed question if ever there was one: at what stage must you bow to the inevitable and say goodbye to your favourite pair of jeans?

Theories on how this hole came to be will not be entertained. Grow up, for Christ's sake.

Clearly, I reckon never. However, I’ve been given the order that I’m never to wear these bad boys again.

According to the wife, this pair has reached the stage where they’re offensive. “You’ll make people uncomfortable if you wear them in public,” she said.

Well! I might have been too gutless to retaliate while she was busy attacking my pants, but I’m certainly man enough to blog my retort while she’s not around. So here it is.

More often than not, I wear underpants — dark-coloured ones at that — so there’s little chance of drawing undue attention to the offending area.

Furthermore, anyone who goes out of their way to look at my crotch is obviously doing so in the hope they’ll see something. Far from making them uncomfortable, you could say I’m providing a public service to one of the most marginalised groups in society: dirty filthy sickos.

In fact, one might almost say that kind of selfless act would make me a true Australian hero — and who wouldn’t want to be married to one of those?

Or maybe I’ll just throw the damn things away before she gets home and murders me.

31 Comments

Chuck A. Spear (Friday 15 February 2008, 1:10 am) #

Mark my wrods, Grunge is coming back in.
krypto (Friday 15 February 2008, 1:16 am) #

mate, I have an old pair of Levis with a fifteen centimetre square hole in the arse, the rip covers more area than one of the back pockets.
Stuffed if I’m getting rid of them though, I haven’t worn them in months, they are useless even to make cutt-off shorts out of, I’m heterosexual so they are useless even for sodomy but I just can’t bring myself to part with them.

THOSE jeans though? I’d go and get one of those flesh tone “massagers” MBB posted a link to, a fuck off big veiny one and sling it through the hole, then wear them casually down the street with it swinging trunk-like back forth like you don’t know what’s going on, see how long it takes you to get arrested.
krypto (Friday 15 February 2008, 1:18 am) #

or pull a root, whichever comes first
Ant Rogenous (Friday 15 February 2008, 1:21 am) #

Krypto, I think it’s safe to say that’s the greatest idea anyone has ever had.
krypto (Friday 15 February 2008, 1:30 am) #

fucking wheel….pfffff piss weak idea, now, hang a rubber nob out of a hole in your jeans??!!?? WooHoo, now THAT’S thinkin’.
Damian (Friday 15 February 2008, 6:46 am) #

More often than not, I wear underpants…

Hee hee.
Wah (Friday 15 February 2008, 7:09 am) #

Just change your pants you fuckin’ skank.
And start going to bed earlier too.
The Editor (Friday 15 February 2008, 7:38 am) #

McBec chucks out my old underpants when I’m not looking. She says they’re ripped and tatty. I say they’re well-worn and comfortable; and anyway, you can’t see them under my pants.

They go in the bin. We all know who wears the pants in my relationship.
The Editor (Friday 15 February 2008, 7:39 am) #

Chuck ‘em out. I hate button jeans.
Damian (Friday 15 February 2008, 7:39 am) #

PS The missus and I discuss the issues of the day over breakfast, and so I flagged this one today. She says: just fix em.
The Editor (Friday 15 February 2008, 7:41 am) #

Do you mean, like, needle and thread, Damian?

Take that back.
The Editor (Friday 15 February 2008, 8:50 am) #

By the way, Ant, why does your wang have a fingernail?
Ant Rogenous (Friday 15 February 2008, 9:00 am) #

So I can point with it.
Dave from Albury (Friday 15 February 2008, 9:06 am) #

Are there no seamstresses nearby to save your jeans? I had an awesome pair of jeans at uni which I only got rid of last year when the lady with the sewing machine refused to try to put them back together again.
Wah (Friday 15 February 2008, 9:26 am) #

Damien brings up a good point. No one darns clothes anymore.

Why don’t you say to your wife, “my pants wouldn’t have holes if them if you weren’t too lazy to darn them for me. I think we really have to review your ability to sustain a career and my needs”. Then give her a quick smack on the arse for good measure before asking what’s for dinner.

She will never bug you about your ratty pants again.
The Editor (Friday 15 February 2008, 9:38 am) #

If I tried that with McBec she’d break my nose before removing my testicles with a rusty, blunt knife.
Damian (Friday 15 February 2008, 9:44 am) #

I just copped a clip around the lugs from my missus for simply laughing at Wah’s suggestion.
Ant Rogenous (Friday 15 February 2008, 11:06 am) #

Dave, my wife is a bit of an expert with the needle and thread, but I’m with The Editor on this one: jeans with repairs look worse than ones with holes, even if there’s a remote chance your, ahem, finger might make an unannounced appearance while you’re dancing.

My mum used to patch up my jeans when I was a kid. I can still feel the kicks and punches from the schoolyard.
Chuck A. Spear (Friday 15 February 2008, 11:19 am) #

Stuff Robert Plant, c’mon Ant, this is how you wore a hole in your Jeans.
Ant Rogenous (Friday 15 February 2008, 11:27 am) #

Jesus, Chuck. I nearly lost an eye opening that link.
Wah (Friday 15 February 2008, 11:50 am) #

Why don’t you get her to sew a little bit of coloured material over the hole in a patchwork kind of way, like Dexy’s Midnight Runners.

Or use one of those iron ones that last about four steps.
The Editor (Friday 15 February 2008, 12:26 pm) #

That is one serious cut lunch, Chuck.
krypto (Friday 15 February 2008, 1:35 pm) #

it’s a tennis ball for pete’s sake.
Chuck A. Spear (Friday 15 February 2008, 1:49 pm) #

No wonder his was nicknamed the door knob.
magic bellybutton (Friday 15 February 2008, 2:01 pm) #

No one darns clothes anymore.

Except when they get holes in their jeans and go, “Darn! My clothes!”
John Surname (Friday 15 February 2008, 2:16 pm) #

And they say “The Left” doesn’t have a sense of humour. And judging by that joke, they’d be right! :)
Magic Bellybutton (Friday 15 February 2008, 2:45 pm) #

Hey, I’m tired John. It was the best I could do on short notice.

My original thought was to make a comment about how I thought it was a bit unnecessary for you to show us your bits, but I thought that would be inappropriate. I see now the error of my ways!
Ant Rogenous (Friday 15 February 2008, 3:13 pm) #

I almost regret posting that picture. I got some strange looks when I opened this page at work — I had to punch out one of those embarrassing stammered explanations:

“No, no, look, see, it’s not a willy — it’s my, er, I mean this dreadful Ant Rogenous fellow’s finger. LOOK!”
Bron (Friday 15 February 2008, 11:56 pm) #

Same thing happened to me, Ant. Even I quickly shrank the screen when I thought it was, er, something else. Jesus Bloody Fuck! I thought to myself, perspiring slightly, are you trying to get me fired?!
Ray Dixon (Saturday 16 February 2008, 12:06 am) #

…at what stage must you bow to the inevitable and say goodbye to your favourite pair of jeans?

When you’re no longer making a bulge in them - see photo.
krypto (Saturday 16 February 2008, 1:10 am) #

dude I saw a thing on ACA, where you can have your old jeans turned into DENIM HIGH TOPS!!!! You just need one more clapped out pair and you’re good to go.
Who says they have no journalistic integrity?, old jeans to Chuck Taylors for pitty’s sake.
WHAT could be a more worthwhile use of air-time than that I ask you?
Tracey Grimshaw should get a Pulitzer for that, a PULITZER!