GrodsCorp

Some rather Sally stanzas

Tuesday 19 February 2008, 10:06 pm

Bridgit Gread

Categories: Literature, Media

Tags: HeraldSun, poetry, SallyMorrell, writing

Sally Morrell writes the most bland, vacant guff, full of motherhood statements and celeb-obs, yet the Herald Sun sees fit to give her a weekly column (probably because she’s Mrs Bolta). She’s also trying to break new ground on paragraph size, some formed from just three or four words. To relieve my abject boredom I skimmed through the last five of her columns, harvested all paras of <12 words, and jumbled ‘em up to make my own Sally (TM) poem. It reads like something from Wallace Stevens, or Ern Malley-meets-Richard Wilkins:

Madonna became a mother at 38 and had her second child at 42.
So congratulations, Nicole.
After all, she’ll be representing Australia on the world stage.
Give the woman a break. Didn’t someone tell these guys superwoman is dead?
Go girl.

Take Germaine Greer.
It was easy to think it was just a publicity stunt.
They’d better do something sweaty soon.
They only make us wonder why they bothered opening their mouth.
But I think Terri genuinely does crave a message from Steve.

I don’t believe in John Edward.
But why does John Laws want us to know his secrets?
Deep down he just wants us to like him.
And knowing you, we’re not necessarily liking you.

Maybe that’s why we still like them.
Or, rather, by the blokes hanging off them.
Ignore them, Therese.
Why must your love die with their body?
Think Jeannie Little on a bad day.

An extreme makeover was urgently needed, he said.
Trust me, Therese. You won’t be looking at Armani.
Go work on your putting or pasting.
Usually there’s a look-at-me reason behind all the revelations.
Oh, and yes, she has a new album coming out.

Well if anything it’s just as meaningful as the original source.

14 Comments

Chuck A. Spear (Tuesday 19 February 2008, 10:21 pm) #

What are you implying Bridgit? A handful of Malvern mothers need to discuss the excruciating, mind-insulting ordeals of Sally’s columns.

She reminds me of what I don’t want to ever be: a bedwetting vacant (did you use that word) authority on everything.
Chuck A. Spear (Tuesday 19 February 2008, 10:23 pm) #

Oh and I stole some of those insults from a better insulter than I.
Bridgit Gread (Tuesday 19 February 2008, 10:27 pm) #

I’m not willing to insult Malvern mothers by suggesting they read Sally.
Dave from Albury (Tuesday 19 February 2008, 10:32 pm) #

Profound….
Chuck A. Spear (Tuesday 19 February 2008, 10:34 pm) #

True, because who the hell does read Sally apart from her long suffering sub editor?
The Editor (Tuesday 19 February 2008, 11:17 pm) #

That brings new meaning to the adjective “turgid”.
krypto (Wednesday 20 February 2008, 12:04 am) #

she’ll probably just cut and paste the whole thing for her next column.
krypto (Wednesday 20 February 2008, 12:10 am) #

Sally Morrell writes…”MANY would have been fascinated to learn this week that John Laws suffers from manic depression and some days is so down he can’t get out of bed”
No, it comes as no surprise whatsoever to learn that man is mentally ill, the only surprise here is that he ONLY suffers from “manic depression” (which has been called bi-polar affective disorder for some time now, thanks for keeping up to date with current information there Sally).
Wah (Wednesday 20 February 2008, 7:11 am) #

That woman was the first to crap on about how selfish working women where and that they should stay home with families, that child care is bad blah blah blah. If you were a columnist who can sit at home and earn money for talking shit than maybe it wouldn’t be so hard.
Hence I was not at all suprised to hear some time ago she was Mrs Bolt.

Speaking of John Laws did you see how Alan Jones has taken his market and is now the uber radio host? Talk aboout a scary power vacuum.
Ant Rogenous (Wednesday 20 February 2008, 11:48 am) #

Think Jeannie Little on a bad day.

It’s usually not such a bad day until I think Jeannie Little.
Bron (Wednesday 20 February 2008, 3:13 pm) #

My first thought was, “Sally who?” Married to A. Bolt? Explains her … her… I’m sorry, what did she write again? It was so dull I’ve forgotten already.

At any rate, Bridgit, despite the jumbled up mish-mash, it still made sense.
The Editor (Wednesday 20 February 2008, 7:14 pm) #

This post has inspired me to read some of Morrell’s archival shite. It really is utterly awful and bears no resemblance to journalism. At least Bolta’s stuff resembles journalism.
Bridgit Gread (Wednesday 20 February 2008, 8:27 pm) #

Must be fascinating discussions in the Bolt house every evening:

Andy: “Hi hon, I’m home. Did you hear that our freedom of speech is in peril?”

Sally: “That’s terrible, dear, but good news - Nicole is pregnant.”
The Editor (Wednesday 20 February 2008, 8:33 pm) #

You’re threatening Bolta’s right to free speech just by writing that comment, Bridgit.