GrodsCorp

To dream the impossible dream

Saturday 15 March 2008, 3:12 pm

Bridgit Gread

Categories: Brilliant!, Society

Tags: Bruce, conundrums, impossible

Bobby Kennedy’s favourite quotation was “Some men see things as they are and ask why; I dream of things that never were and ask why not?”. So it must be for Grods regular Bruce, who only posits the biggest challenges resident in our society:

I think that young guys really need to stop focusing on trying to get laid.

Jessie Christie walked on water, Moses parted the Red Sea … and Bruce wants to stop young males thinking with their dicks. The gauntlet has been thrown down to Grods readers to provide more Herculean labours for Bruce to proclaim. The winner receives dinner with MK, an envelope containing Hap’s true identity and a lifetime supply of imported Queensland semi-colons.

23 Comments

Bruce (Saturday 15 March 2008, 3:39 pm) #

Hey, you aren’t being entirely faithful to what I’m saying. You make it look like I think that I’m asking that somehow young guys should be stopped from thinking about sex (which is obviously impossible).

There is a huge difference between just thinking about sex, and obsessing about schemes to get laid. The former is normal and healthy, that latter is the stuff of Porkies movies.
Bridgit Gread (Saturday 15 March 2008, 3:42 pm) #

Well if solving your challenge means we won’t have any Porkies, Meatballs or Road Trip movies, then I’m all for it.
Bruce (Saturday 15 March 2008, 3:52 pm) #

Well if solving your challenge means we won’t have any Porkies, Meatballs or Road Trip movies, then I’m all for it.

Well, it didn’t mean that no, but I guess the scheme could be expanded! Now we just need to tackle Sex in the City and nobody will ever have to put up with Kim Cattrall’s unconvincing fake orgasms ever again.

I think I’ve managed to translate the value I want taught to young guys in sex ed into a Grodspeak motto to help stop the confusion…

“Treat her like your friend, not like a fleshlight.” ;-)
Bridgit Gread (Saturday 15 March 2008, 5:38 pm) #

…or “Carry a torch for a woman, not instead of one”.
brokenleftleg (Saturday 15 March 2008, 6:07 pm) #

If Bruce can stop young guys “focusing on trying to get laid”, we should get him to work on the Middle East Peace Process next.
Chuck A. Spear (Saturday 15 March 2008, 6:37 pm) #

Now I’ve read it all:

I think that young guys really need to stop focusing on trying to get laid.

and

Well if solving your challenge means we won’t have any Porkies, Meatballs or Road Trip movies, then I’m all for it.

Look, Porky’s movies have come a long way OK. Have you seen Superbad? Thought not. I admit most of it would be over MK’s head but the movie is a good representation of sex obsessed guys [Seth] vs guys who just want to be friends with girls first [Bruce... sorry I mean Evan].

Newsflash. Men will never stop thinking with their dicks. Guys want to fuck. Being friends first sounds creepy to me. It like a scheme in itself. I will be friends with her her first so I can have sex later No way! Then you get the “I just want to be friends” cop out.

Not my style. I like the challenge of making up a story first [I usually say I am a stuntman on Home & Away]. It doesn’t always work, but I don’t want someone to like me for me. God. Imagine that!

Here’s an anecdote. I went out a few weeks ago and almost got lucky except I got cock-blocked then fell into a barb-wire fence. The next week I told a girl about the story, she thought it was honest that I told her how I bullshit and get myself in trouble and then she took advantage of me sexually.

In fact I’m going out on the town tonight to make up some grand schemes. I will take a fleshlight in case the lucky girl wants a threesome.

As far as anymore Herculean labours for Bruce to proclaim, I have can’t top:

“Carry a torch for a woman, not instead of one”

But:

I think that MK will lose his virginity with a woman.

I think that ;;; ;;;; beard is cleaner than Mr Twit’s.

I think that my stuntman line is a goer.

__

As you were
Bruce (Saturday 15 March 2008, 7:46 pm) #

If Bruce can stop young guys “focusing on trying to get laid”, we should get him to work on the Middle East Peace Process next.

- My own emphasis on the other part that people are getting wrong.

Stating that it would be desirable for an obsessive focus upon certain practices to abate isn’t the same as saying that you intend to have some kind of lock-down control the behaviour. Teachers can’t act as enforcers for Chairman Mao all the time.

I never said I intended to stop anything categorically. All I claim that can be done is that it (guys treating women like fleshlights rather than people) can be curbed.

Seriously, it’s the same issue as values education within football clubs about attitudes to women. It’d be great if misogyny could be wiped out of AFL and Rugby culture and it should be, but it won’t be, at least not anytime soon.

But that’s no reason not to educate young men in the sport on what’s acceptable and what’s not in as far as the treatment of women is concerned. Misogyny can be curbed.

I’d hate to see your logic applied to other areas.

“People shouldn’t murder!”
“We had a murder! Stopping murder is too Herculean a task!”

Heck, the Middle East Peace Process doesn’t require a 100% abatement of violence to be effective either.

As for sex ed being a Herculean task, I’m not sure if I should be chiding people for thinking so little of teachers (or for a failure of humanist thought), or exaggerating it further so you think that teachers that can manage it are shit hot (I’m thinking; strike; pay raise thanks).

The inculcation of these kinds of values (don’t scheme on the girls - treat them like people) in young men isn’t impossible at all though, and has been amongst the successes of SHine SA. Maybe sex ed doesn’t work on Victorians like it does on South Australians? We (South Australians) weren’t a penal* colony after all! ;-)

Sorry for getting semi-serious on a humorous thread, but it’s just that I think this is an issue where a lack of public understanding is detrimental (and the kind of thing that various nutters like the Festival of Light have been exploiting - SA has had to put up with a lot of this over Sex Ed curriculum ever since about 2003, with said nutters teaming up with our then Liberal Shadow Education Minister Vickie Chapman to spread disinformation).

* Shame on those of you who are thinking penal sounds like “penile”. Someone is going to photoshop this aren’t they?
Chuck A. Spear (Saturday 15 March 2008, 8:02 pm) #

Slightly out of context but a good contender:

It’d be great if misogyny could be wiped out of AFL and Rugby culture…

What else would they mask their homoerotism with?
Bruce (Saturday 15 March 2008, 8:10 pm) #

Being friends first sounds creepy to me. It like a scheme in itself. I will be friends with her her first so I can have sex later No way!

Yeah, that does sound creepy. The way you describe it. ;-)

Be friends with her for the sake of being friends with her.

Seriously, the only planning you need is to be prepared to play it safe (ie condoms etc) if eventually you both (or more) want to get in the sack.

You don’t need a story or a pickup line or a scheme. Women have been known to want sex as well, so you can focus on the other stuff (and no, that doesn’t mean any of the stereotypical boring stuff like discussion of Steel Magnolias that women get lumped with) during the night.

Discuss how wonderful it is that Howard is finally gone. Go catch a movie. Play 8-ball (but not at one of those crappy places where all the young ones ruin the atmosphere.)

And if you don’t get laid. So what? You aren’t going to get laid with “If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?” anyway. It’s not like there aren’t things other than sex that are fun either and if you weren’t pretending to be one of the teens from American Pie, you would have been able to enjoy them!

Besides, if you do get laid after getting all anxious about it, it’s more likely to be disappointing anyway.

It’s not a race. With or without sex, it’ll be more fun if you just relax. ;-)
Bruce (Saturday 15 March 2008, 8:14 pm) #

What else would they mask their homoerotism with?

More homo-eroticism.
Bruce (Saturday 15 March 2008, 8:17 pm) #

I imagine that all the tackling men to the ground and grappling for balls would blend into the background of a spandex-clad dance routine (from Fame perhaps) quite well. Feather boas. Hide it in plain sight…
kat (Saturday 15 March 2008, 8:24 pm) #

sexism aleret! what about all the young girls who really need to stop focusing on trying to get laid?
magic bellybutton (Saturday 15 March 2008, 8:28 pm) #

it’ll be more fun if you just relax

said Frankie.
Chuck A. Spear (Saturday 15 March 2008, 8:46 pm) #

what about all the young girls who really need to stop focusing on trying to get laid

Just put them in the same room as the guys and problem solved.
Bruce (Saturday 15 March 2008, 8:51 pm) #

…sexism aleret! what about all the young girls who really need to stop focusing on trying to get laid?

Very true. Although my original quote was in response to the story of a male who went to great (and sick) lengths to get laid.

…said Frankie.

Damn straight!
brokenleftleg (Saturday 15 March 2008, 10:01 pm) #

Another hurculean task for bruce after he stops guys “trying to get laid” is coaching Richmond to 15th place.
Yes i know we are taking you out of context bruce, but let us have our fun in peace will you.
Bridgit Gread (Saturday 15 March 2008, 10:10 pm) #

Too right, here we are having fun at Bruce’s expense and he just wants to quibble about facts. Ptooie, Bruce!

In any event, it’s a moot exercise differentiating between young men thinking about sex and plottng to get it - it’s still the only time most young men think anyway. :-)
Bruce (Saturday 15 March 2008, 10:51 pm) #

Yes i know we are taking you out of context bruce, but let us have our fun in peace will you.

Yeah, I know that. It’s just that I credibly take myself out of context so there’s no fun for me. :(
Bruce (Saturday 15 March 2008, 10:53 pm) #

…that I can’t credibly… Goddam…
Ray Dixon (Saturday 15 March 2008, 11:52 pm) #

I think that young guys really need to stop focusing on trying to get laid …

… and do what, masturbate (even more)?
krypto (Sunday 16 March 2008, 9:23 pm) #

“Carry a torch for a woman, not instead of one”…touche Bridg, methinks your frustration at the ubiquitous FL is veritably palpable.
Bruce (Monday 17 March 2008, 12:30 am) #

… and do what, masturbate (even more)?

It’s better than magnetic underwear (Porkies?), paying girls to spread outlandish rumors about your shlong (American Pie) or plans involving Rohibnol (Young Liberals) for that matter.
The Editor (Monday 17 March 2008, 2:19 pm) #

…plans involving Rohibnol (Young Liberals)…

I lOLed so hard at this I nearly spewed.