GrodsCorp

The Secret Diary of Brendan Nelson: Day two

Thursday 3 April 2008, 12:53 pm

The Editor

Categories: Politics

Tags: AgedCare, BrendanNelson, groceries, LiberalParty, ListeningTour, petrol, PlasticBags

In GrodsThink 10 we took a look at day one of Brendan Nelson’s Magical Listening Tour diary. Go have a listen, ya bastards. Day two of the diary is now online and just like day one it’s a bloody corker.

2 April 2008

Diary from the road:

The people at the pointy end of the economic debate in Australia talk about the Westpac-Melbourne Institute Survey of Consumer Sentiment being the lowest in 15 years or the Sensis survey having the largest fall on record for the March quarter, but you’ve just got to spend a bit of time at the Lowood service station to see Australians coming in with their cars – 10, 12, 15 years old – putting $5, $7 or $30 worth of petrol in the tank.

10 year olds putting petrol in their cars? But seriously, is Brendan seriously suggesting that since November 24 last year Australians have suddenly acquired decades-old cars and suddenly started putting small amounts of petrol in their tanks that align with the disposable cash they have access to? Out of touch, man.

And one lady I gave a hand to get some petrol into her car…

I bet she rooly, trooly appreciated being assaulted by a slimy politician at a servo in search of a photo opportunity.

…who put $30 in, was saying “gee, I really hope petrol comes down soon. I’ve got to buy groceries; we’ve got other commitments with the house and interest rates and so on”.

Don’t hold your breath, ma’am. Petrol’s not ever going in the down direction again.

But then going to the Woolies in Nundah, just going through talking to the shoppers and helping to bag the groceries…

Checkout operators in supermarkets generally have no trouble bagging groceries for themselves; and they do it without having to continually smile for a battalion of cameras.

I’m Brendan Nelson and I’m here to help

…you see a string of people, from sole parents with two or three kids, elderly people on fixed incomes, retirees, mothers that have got three kids to feed and a husband at work, and they’re really battling with their grocery prices.

Hasn’t Nelson just spent a couple of months bagging Rudd for talking about grocery prices? And anyway, like petrol it’s just an expense you’ve gotta deal with. Is this seriously the biggest policy challenge for our national government?

And, by the way, they’re not too happy about the idea of some sort of tax on plastic bags. Mr Garrett needs to go back and have a look at that one. Big time.

Whoa, Garrett — you’ve been pwned big time by Dr Nelson. Gauntlet thrown.

The other thing that’s really emerging as a big issue is the funding of aged care. I’ve had a number of people, not only in aged care facilities but also the facilities themselves and the operators who are very concerned about what the Government’s going to do with aged care funding in the Budget.

And what exactly did your government do for aged care funding in eleven long years, Brendan, besides from cash bribes immediately prior to elections?

And again, like the carers and disabilities issue for which I was thanked by people who are desperately in need on that lump sum carers payment, the providers are very concerned about what the Government’s going to do in the Budget for the funding of the care of our nursing home residents.

“For which I was thanked”? You’ve saved us again, Dr Nelson.

– Brendan Nelson

Stay tuned for day three of The Secret Diary of Brendan Nelson.

66 Comments

Wah (Thursday 3 April 2008, 1:15 pm) #

The man’s a fuckin’ idiot.
The Editor (Thursday 3 April 2008, 1:25 pm) #

The doctor’s a fucken idiot, Wah. He’s a doctor.
Ant Rogenous (Thursday 3 April 2008, 1:29 pm) #

Oh Lord how I wish I knew in advance which supermarket he’ll be bagging groceries in. I’d love to arrive at his checkout with just a small tub of Vaseline, a really large cucumber and a packet of latex gloves.

Bag those items with a straight face in front of your retinue of photographers, Doc.
The Editor (Thursday 3 April 2008, 1:39 pm) #

I once saw a dude in the supermarket line — one of those weird, pale, greasy guys who obviously live alone and rarely leave the house — with precisely four items in his basket: Home Brand white sliced bread, a roast chicken, a jar of mayo and a pack of bog roll. That’s one exciting night in.
Ant Rogenous (Thursday 3 April 2008, 1:45 pm) #

Perving at other people’s groceries is awesome.
The Editor (Thursday 3 April 2008, 1:47 pm) #

I often think to myself that it would be intriguing to be a checkout operator. It would be a real social study.
Damian (Thursday 3 April 2008, 1:56 pm) #

I went and took a look at Brendan’s diary after the podcast. I’m truly curious to know how many people are reading it. Besides, couch-ridden hateful lefties, that is. Surely it is so transparently desperate and baby-kissingly sweet that no one takes it seriously.

Maybe a few of Bolt’s commenters do.

PS I had to look up “pwned”. There goes my geek cred.
Damian (Thursday 3 April 2008, 1:57 pm) #

Ah shit. I’ve succumbed to, comma;itis by the look’s of it.
The Editor (Thursday 3 April 2008, 1:58 pm) #

Settle down with them pernicious commas, Damain.
Ant Rogenous (Thursday 3 April 2008, 1:59 pm) #

I once had to rush to the supermarket to buy an emergency green chilli for a curry I was halfway through making. I was in an odd mood, and I managed to convince the confused, spotty kid at the checkout that it was a brussels sprout.

I reckon I could do that to Brendan Nelson.
Bron (Thursday 3 April 2008, 2:00 pm) #

As a former checkout chick, I can tell you that at first it’s interesting to see what people buy but then you kind of get over the novelty. Still, every now and then there would be golden moments such as the dude who came up to me with two packets of condoms, different brands, and asked which one was better.

Hmmm. Prank? I still can’t decide if it was - it seemed a pretty genuine question. I even looked around to see if I was on Candid Camera or something. Nada.
Ant Rogenous (Thursday 3 April 2008, 2:02 pm) #

Sounds like a set-up, Bron — so when you answered “how the hell should I know”, he could kindly suggest that you help him try them out.

Men think like this.
The Editor (Thursday 3 April 2008, 2:03 pm) #

I totally stumped a checkout dude once.

Checkout dude: What’s this?

The Editor: A capsicum.

Checkout dude: Oh.

That’s the yoof of today and their fast food lifestyles for ya.
Ant Rogenous (Thursday 3 April 2008, 2:05 pm) #

He must have been one of them semi-educated yoofs, Ed. Most of the ones I know would have said: “Oh. Random!”
The Editor (Thursday 3 April 2008, 2:07 pm) #

Yeah, clearly a product of the public education system.
Damian (Thursday 3 April 2008, 2:09 pm) #

I can counter that anecdote, Ed. The missus and I were in the local fruit and veggie shop yesterday and were marveling at the knowledge of the kidlets working the checkouts there.

The woman in front of us was buying a heap of root veggies and stuff - looked like she was going home to make borshch. Another woman, of African background, was stocking up on funny stuff I couldn’t identify. And we were buying a heap of Asian veggies including bitter gourd.

The young chick serving us didn’t pause once - she knew every item on sight. We were bloody impressed.

(Heh. The little quote in the masthead says “Tap”. Megiggle.)
Damian (Thursday 3 April 2008, 2:10 pm) #

But yes, the kids at the supermarket are less cluey. Maybe we need barcodes on our fruit and veggies.
Damian (Thursday 3 April 2008, 2:15 pm) #

And one more before I bolt. Looking again at poor old Brendan’s photo, you know I can’t help but feel really sorry for the bloke. His little gang of minders and PR people and all the other hacks have probably put him up to this. In their little world, this shopping bag tour doesn’t look silly. But Brendan’s gunna realise soon, if he hasn’t already.

The Libs deserve humiliation and disgrace: but the prick gallivanting across the States deserves it more than poor old Brendan.

Gotta wonder how he can keep on going, knowing that even an uber-successful tour diary is not going to save his arse from the backstabbers in the party room. Why oh why oh why? I guess this is what politics - well, our particular brand of politics, perhaps - can do to an individual.
Bron (Thursday 3 April 2008, 2:18 pm) #

OK, I have a confession to make. As a thirty-something year old woman who likes to cook a lot at home, yesterday I suddenly couldn’t tell the difference between the radish and the beetroot. I had to ask the 17 year old checkout chick which was which.

I put it down to not eating enough vegetables lately.

And radish and beetroot were sitting side by side on the display and they’re both PINK, okay?!
Bron (Thursday 3 April 2008, 2:20 pm) #

Sounds like a set-up, Bron — so when you answered “how the hell should I know”, he could kindly suggest that you help him try them out.

We-ell, um, my answer was, “Oh, definitely that one, my boyfriend and I like that one.”

He didn’t even bat an eye. Odd fellow.
steve (Thursday 3 April 2008, 2:43 pm) #

” but you’ve just got to spend a bit of time at the Lowood service station to see Australians coming in with their cars – 10, 12, 15 years old – putting $5, $7 or $30 worth of petrol in the tank. ”

I think that he has been sniffing too much petrol. This is insanity by any definition.
Bron (Thursday 3 April 2008, 2:51 pm) #

Petrol sniffing? Quick, send in the army, send in an intervention for the good Doc! Save him! Saaaaave him!
Zombie Mao (Thursday 3 April 2008, 2:52 pm) #

Brendan Nelson -
Discovered grocies and petrol cost more, goes to a supermarket for the first time in years.

Kevin Rudd-

Defines new multilateral relations with major world powers especially in joint appraoches to China with US and China, which will define Australia in the world for genrations to come

Hell, Greg Sheridan was on the brink of calling the Ruddster a ‘Genius’

So the qquestion is who has had the more succesful week.

hmmm its a close one…
keri (Thursday 3 April 2008, 2:53 pm) #

Bron, what fucked up kind of beetroot were you buying that it was pink? Shouldn’t it be a dark purple-y colour? I know mine usually are.

Radishes are pink, yes, but beetroot? Have they changed beetroots when I wasn’t looking?
keri (Thursday 3 April 2008, 2:54 pm) #

And it is just me or does it look more like Nelson is rifling through that bag than packing it?
steve (Thursday 3 April 2008, 3:00 pm) #

I thought the face reminded me of a beetroot, or was it just the rouge the rogue was wearing?
Chuck A. Spear (Thursday 3 April 2008, 3:01 pm) #

When is Brendon going to start wearing red socks, measuring his forehead and start obsessing over Pandora?

Brendon. I Will not ‘ave you doin’ drugs.
Wah (Thursday 3 April 2008, 3:06 pm) #

I’d like to see Nelson backs bags at Aldi, when the check out shiela throws the stuff at you - now that’s pressure
Bron (Thursday 3 April 2008, 4:42 pm) #

Keri, yes, you’re right - beetroots are purple, radishes are red/pink; where the hell did I go wrong?

I’m not colour-blind. I guess it all boils down to the fact I’m just stoopid.
THR (Thursday 3 April 2008, 4:45 pm) #

Beetroots can come in different colouors, it’s just that we usually have just the one kind in Australia.
The Editor (Thursday 3 April 2008, 4:48 pm) #

Beetroot comes in a can. Radish comes in salad.
Ant Rogenous (Thursday 3 April 2008, 4:48 pm) #

… it’s just that we usually have just the one kind in Australia.

Canned.
Ant Rogenous (Thursday 3 April 2008, 4:49 pm) #

DAMN YOU EDITOR.
Jason (Thursday 3 April 2008, 4:49 pm) #

Just on the grocery perving, and speaking of great nights in, I once saw a kinda dishevelled dude in his fifties buy TEN BOXES of whipped cream bulbs, a packet of fags and some Mint Slices at the Auchenflower night owl. He was in the queue in front of me. It was about five o’clock on a Saturday evening, and I guess he’d decided that The Bill was gonna need a serious twist on it in order to be entertaining.
The Editor (Thursday 3 April 2008, 4:54 pm) #

Ant: PWNED!
pludian (Thursday 3 April 2008, 5:05 pm) #

Who needs to hear about policies on education/economics/defense/health/national security/indigenous affairs/the environment/IR/public services anyway? Brendon Nelson will help you with your shopping! And make petrol cheaper somehow!
Bron (Thursday 3 April 2008, 5:16 pm) #

Ant, don’t be sadish, have a radish.
Terry Wright (Thursday 3 April 2008, 5:32 pm) #

Irony at it’s best.

Nelson bitchin’ about the problems that his government watched over for 3 terms.

It hasn’t even been 6 months yet but somehow Rudd has managed to do in that time what the Libs did in 11 years.

What a boner!
THR (Thursday 3 April 2008, 5:39 pm) #

As a former checkout chick, I can tell you that at first it’s interesting to see what people buy but then you kind of get over the novelty.

I did some checkout work at a supermarket, and also a bottle shop. On more than one occasion, I scanned obscure Asian veggies as potatos.
There also the semi-regular occurrence of being approached by brow-beaten males, who’d been forced by their spouses/daughters to go to the shops and purchase feminine hygiene products. The hapless blokes would be too shy to ask the female staff about it, and then ask me which brand is best.
I would counsel them on the need for polite assertiveness with domineering females.
Bron (Thursday 3 April 2008, 5:52 pm) #

Female hygiene products reminds me of the time I worked in a bookshop, in a country town a few years back, whereupon a young stoned lad looking rather worse for wear, asked politely but in a rambling manner for some money (ie a handout. Yeah, we’re a bookshop: we just LOVE to give money away).

Reason? “My girlfriend’s got her periods and we gots no munney to buy her tampons and it’s bloody annoying, haha, geddit, bloody? Anyways, we ain’t gots no munney cuz we spent it all on food [sure] and forgots to buy her tampons even though she knew she was due any day now… so howz about it, got any spare cash for my girlfriend who’s got her periods?”

“No. Next.”
THR (Thursday 3 April 2008, 5:53 pm) #

Couldn’t you have issued the young lad with a copy of ‘Still Not Sorry’?
Ant Rogenous (Thursday 3 April 2008, 6:09 pm) #

I doubt that book would be any more capable than its author is of absorbing anything useful.
THR (Thursday 3 April 2008, 6:11 pm) #

True, but maybe if you combine it with a copy of the Oz, you might be able to make a MacGuyver-style tampon.
Mikey (Thursday 3 April 2008, 6:20 pm) #

That lump sum payment effort of the previous government was a crock. As Bartlett pointed out on numerous occasions they could have lifted payments to carers and make it official. Instead the “bonuses” were delivered per budget as non official electioneering largese.

Fuckwads.
Mikey (Thursday 3 April 2008, 6:21 pm) #

Female Hygiene products … like Femfresh?
Terry Wright (Thursday 3 April 2008, 7:28 pm) #

Female Hygiene products … like Femfresh?

Allggg … that stuff tastes awful.
Bron (Thursday 3 April 2008, 8:06 pm) #

Erk! Terry? I don’t really need to ask, do I?
Ant Rogenous (Thursday 3 April 2008, 8:25 pm) #

Terry, having to do this hurts me more than it does you, but:
Terry Wright (Thursday 3 April 2008, 8:39 pm) #

Yellow card?
The Editor (Thursday 3 April 2008, 8:41 pm) #

Don’t worry, Terry. He’s got an Andrea Harris complex.
Ant Rogenous (Thursday 3 April 2008, 8:41 pm) #

No arguing with the ref, Mr Femfresh.
Terry Wright (Thursday 3 April 2008, 8:42 pm) #

Are you serious?
Ant Rogenous (Thursday 3 April 2008, 8:43 pm) #

Ed, it’s the strangest thing: once I popped the word “Administrator” next to my name, my genitals immediately grew about 60 per cent larger.

If I actually ban somebody one day, I’m going to need my trousers taken out.
Ant Rogenous (Thursday 3 April 2008, 8:44 pm) #

Of course not, Terry!
Terry Wright (Thursday 3 April 2008, 8:46 pm) #

Cool. I wasn’t sure

You’re so dry it’s hard to pick sometimes.

Maybe a little femfresh to loosen you up a bit?
Ant Rogenous (Thursday 3 April 2008, 8:48 pm) #

I wonder whether Piers Akerman uses it as breath freshener?
Terry Wright (Thursday 3 April 2008, 8:48 pm) #

Is his mouth dry?
Ant Rogenous (Thursday 3 April 2008, 8:56 pm) #

No, but he’s a … don’t make me say it, Terry.
Terry Wright (Thursday 3 April 2008, 9:12 pm) #

CUNT HEAD BITCH FREAK?
Ant Rogenous (Thursday 3 April 2008, 9:17 pm) #

That’s putting it mildly.
Damian (Thursday 3 April 2008, 10:27 pm) #

Heh heh.
Bron (Thursday 3 April 2008, 10:45 pm) #

Oh lord. I crack up everytime I close my eyes to sleep and instead think of Terry’s hilarious and altogether unexpected Femfresh revelation. Damn you Terry, I can’t sleep tonight cos I can’t stop laffing!
alasdair (Friday 4 April 2008, 11:26 am) #

“once I popped the word “Administrator” next to my name, my genitals immediately grew about 60 per cent larger”

You’ll also have to pull your trousers down to pee.
The Worst of Perth (Friday 4 April 2008, 2:50 pm) #

I loved how he learns that a caravan was made every 9 minutes.
The Worst of Perth
Mikey (Friday 4 April 2008, 7:03 pm) #

Ah femfresh. Comedy gold. Esp when twinned with our man Piers.
Mikey (Friday 4 April 2008, 7:05 pm) #

Remember how hansard is full of revelations that Akkers loved to toot the white stuff up his nose.

Maybe, just maybe, that wasn’t cocaine …?