GrodsCorp

Help! Help! Danoz is coming Direct to me!

Sunday 6 April 2008, 10:23 pm

Bron

Categories: Brilliant!, Food, Television

Tags: DanozDirect, infomercials, KitchenCrap, Television

Thanks to the marvellous half-hour long advertisements on late night television, in particular DanozDirect, I am so bloody tempted to whip out my already-maxed-out credit card and buy this thing called ‘9 Minute Marinator’, a kitchen gadget that promises ‘Moist, Plump & Flavorful foods in 9 minutes!’ Even Beth on the site loves it because she has a very small kitchen and - get this - a lot of people running through it. I know marathons can make you hungry but this is ridiculous. As for Chef Stacey, she says that they do a lot of experimenting and it has been wonderful. Well, I am glad to hear that, because I’ve been getting none whatsoever.

I don’t really need it, especially since lately I’ve been taking the easy option of getting takeaway on my way home from work instead of cooking.

But OH! How cool is this gadget?! NINE MINUTES!!! It means that I could marinate stuff and STILL cook my dinner within an hour at most. It means that I might stop getting takeaway. It means that I’ll save money on all the takeaway I don’t buy. It means that my food will be tasty and delicious, thus reducing the need for takeaway. It means that I will have finally grown up and become a responsible, practical adult, instead of a lazy git who wastes money on fast food.

Hold on. Grown up? Responsible? Practical? Adult?

Oh, goody. I’ve just talked myself out of buying it. Phew. That was precariously close. Who would wanna be a grown up? They are such boring fuddy duddies.

Additional thought: Perhaps Craig could use this gadget in his next cooking instalment? God only knows, his culinary possibilities could be endless.

17 Comments

Zombie Mao (Sunday 6 April 2008, 10:26 pm) #

I presume the evolution of this meme will involve the ‘fleshlight marinator’
Bron (Sunday 6 April 2008, 10:29 pm) #

Gah.

Can’t you people just leave that bloody Fleshlight ALONE?!

Kinky freaks.
Almost Always Wrong (Sunday 6 April 2008, 10:34 pm) #

you arent in trouble till you buy the miracle blade.
Bron (Sunday 6 April 2008, 10:40 pm) #

*Gasps*

The Miracle Blade! I want that too! It can cut through ANYTHING: metal, wood, a fucking SHOE even!

Then there’s the little teeny weeny disclaimer on the bottom of the screen that cutting through these items is not really recommended.

No shit, Sherlock.
EC (Monday 7 April 2008, 7:14 am) #

But it makes you want to buy it and try cutting through a shoe. Well, maybe one of your partner’s shoes.
The Editor (Monday 7 April 2008, 7:25 am) #

I love a bit of shoe fillet marinated (in nine minutes), baked and served with mash and steamed greens.
Dave from Albury (Monday 7 April 2008, 7:59 am) #

We I bought a V-Slicer from one of these wacky mail order houses who seem to be staffed almost entirely by people with bad cockney accents. The item itself is quite good, but they insisted on including a “free gift” which turned out to be the dodgiest knife block ever to evade the gaze of consumer affairs.

The knifes were supposedly some super duper titanium jobbies, but the titanium coloured paint flaked off after one trip through the dishwasher.

You’d think that this would have been enough to put me off the mail order experience, but no, Mrsdave later decided that an imitation dyson vacuum cleaner would be just the ticket for us as we don’t need a vacuum often having timber floors through the entire house. Three weeks later, this chinese wonder made its way into our local discount stores at about half what we’d paid for it. It worked well enough, right up until the engine seized while we were trying to pick up a bowling ball with it.
Zombie Mao (Monday 7 April 2008, 10:54 am) #

I must admit that the daily grind of picking up bowling balls from the floor would be made easier by a decent bagless vacuum cleaner.

I am constantly tripping over them.
Bron (Monday 7 April 2008, 11:38 am) #

I love a bit of shoe fillet marinated (in nine minutes), baked and served with mash and steamed greens.

With a couple of cloves of garlic and some grated parmesan cheese. Radish wouldn’t go astray either - or is that beetroot?

Delish.
Bron (Monday 7 April 2008, 11:39 am) #

I am constantly tripping over them.

You think that’s bad? Try tripping over things that aren’t even there.
Bridgit Gread (Monday 7 April 2008, 11:53 am) #

I like the idea of a nine-minute marinator. Reminds me of Steve Wright’s ‘microwave fireplace’ (spend the whole evening in front of the fire in just 15 minutes).
Wah (Monday 7 April 2008, 12:14 pm) #

How does the marinator work?

There’s a great American food shop in Melbourne that sells instant marinates that you inject into the meat with the syringe included in the box.

This by the same people who love organge cheese and popcorn butter salt. Awesome stuff!
Bron (Monday 7 April 2008, 12:22 pm) #

Injecting into the meat?

Bloody hell. Forget steroids, eat meat.
Bridgit Gread (Monday 7 April 2008, 12:50 pm) #

Elsewhere in the world you can buy incredibly expensive things called Grapples - apples that are marinated in some concoction so that they taste like a big grape. Though I’m not sure why you wouldn’t just buy a bunch of grapes.
Ant Rogenous (Monday 7 April 2008, 12:52 pm) #

Wah, do they provide a tourniquet for when you want to shoot up a leg of lamb?
keri (Monday 7 April 2008, 4:36 pm) #

Just wait until you’re on the hard stuff, Ant. Those Side o’ Beefs just aren’t cutting it for me anymore.
Spock... (Monday 7 April 2008, 10:44 pm) #

It’s amazing what looks practical that late at night isn’t it… I’m reminded of Seinfeld… “You know what… I don’t have a knife that can cut though a shoe… I could really use a knife that cuts through a shoe”