GrodsCorp

It’s time

Tuesday 8 April 2008, 3:02 pm

Ant Rogenous

Categories: Media, Politics

Tags: AndrewBolt, GrodsExclusive, JohnHoward, NewsLtd, SpecialGift

I’ve been sitting on a GrodsExclusive for a while now, which I’ve been reluctant to post for reasons that will soon become apparent. However, a recent comment here by Dave From Albury convinced me to break my silence:

[…]
Do you understand how debasing it must be to put your name to the kind of shit that Andrew Bolt has published? The man deserves the Grand High Medal of Rupert for his efforts.

The fact is that Andrew Bolt has been rewarded for his efforts over the past few years, as have several of his News Ltd stable-mates — not by Rupert Murdoch, but by the man who holds the biggest place in his (and their) heart(s): John Winston Howard.

A News Ltd insider emailed me a few weeks ago and revealed, under the condition of anonymity, that shortly after Howard’s ignominious defeat in the 2007 federal election, the former prime minister personally sent a special gift to each of his most ~~sycophantic lickspittles~~ strident supporters in the press; a touching memento of their faithful service over the course of his time in office.

Say what you will about John Howard, but there’s no denying he knows how to look after the people who so vigorously looked after him.

77 Comments

Bridgit Gread (Tuesday 8 April 2008, 3:03 pm) #

Oh God that’s just wrong… so wrong on so many levels.
Ant Rogenous (Tuesday 8 April 2008, 3:07 pm) #

I have it on good authority that Bolt has worn his out already and has made enquiries to the manufacturer about a replacement.
Ant Rogenous (Tuesday 8 April 2008, 3:11 pm) #

By the way, that’s officially my last such gag ever. I’ve earned something of a reputation around here as “the Fleshlight guy”, and I’m keen to rid myself of it.

The reputation, that is; not my Fleshlight.
Bron (Tuesday 8 April 2008, 3:18 pm) #

I should have guessed, I should have guessed, I SHOULD HAVE GUESSED!

(But it made me laugh)
The Editor (Tuesday 8 April 2008, 3:24 pm) #

When Ant says he’s been “sitting on” this gag for a while he’s not kidding.

And not like that, you dirty fools.

I mean that he’s been dying to post that photoshop effort for ages. Fairly bursting at the gut.
The Editor (Tuesday 8 April 2008, 3:25 pm) #

Oh, and I might add that it’s a mighty fine photoshop effort. Possibly Ant’s defining work.
Almost Always Wrong (Tuesday 8 April 2008, 3:25 pm) #

that is certainly a funny bugger tool.

“not by Rupert Murdoch, but by the man who holds the biggest place in his (and their) heart(s): John Winston Howard”

Since when did News Ltd get hearts?
Magic Bellybutton (Tuesday 8 April 2008, 3:28 pm) #

I clicked on the link and just before the image came up (I’m at work) I realised - ANT had written this. Oh shit! ABORT ABORT!!!

And reading the above comments, it appears I made the right choice.
Ant Rogenous (Tuesday 8 April 2008, 3:28 pm) #

Since when did News Ltd get hearts?

Whoops, good point. I forgot to add the adjectives “cold”, “black” and “dead”.
The Editor (Tuesday 8 April 2008, 3:29 pm) #

I think we should slap a large banner at the top of the site header that reads:

**NSFW NSFW NSFW**
Ant Rogenous (Tuesday 8 April 2008, 3:31 pm) #

No, no need Ed. I swear, I’m going clean. I just had to get this last one out of my system.
The Editor (Tuesday 8 April 2008, 3:32 pm) #

But the way that even Bridgit has started dropping an “-insert name here- Steamer” joke into every thread doesn’t bode well.
Ant Rogenous (Tuesday 8 April 2008, 3:35 pm) #

She’s a loose cannon.
Bridgit Gread (Tuesday 8 April 2008, 3:36 pm) #

That’s right, you’ve corrupted me. Bastards.
Damian (Tuesday 8 April 2008, 3:47 pm) #

FUCKING WRONGNESS!

Love the lips! Defining work indeed.
Bridgit Gread (Tuesday 8 April 2008, 3:55 pm) #

And I bet Howard had his own Bob Menzies fleshlight. Although that would probably have been in the shape of a hurricane lantern.
Bron (Tuesday 8 April 2008, 4:01 pm) #

That’s true, it’s not safe for work at all. Oh dear, I wonder if anyone behind me saw it. I didn’t think of that at all. Oh dear. Oh dear.
Bridgit Gread (Tuesday 8 April 2008, 4:05 pm) #

It could be worse. You could explain it away as a pic of Mr Sheen coming out of Oscar the Grouch’s dustbin after morning tea.
The Editor (Tuesday 8 April 2008, 4:06 pm) #

John Howard and Oscar the Grouch, hey? Who was pitcher and who was catcher?
Evil Bill (Tuesday 8 April 2008, 4:17 pm) #

Ant this can’t be your last photoshop effort. Surely you have to let us Grods readers know what he sent to Janet Albrechtsen and Miranda Devine.
Ant Rogenous (Tuesday 8 April 2008, 4:19 pm) #

Arrrrrrrgh, the temptation! Get thee behind me, Satan!!!!!1!!!1!!1
Bron (Tuesday 8 April 2008, 4:27 pm) #

Hell yeah, I’m willing to open photoshop of said gift to Miranda and Janet at work if you can rustle up something, Ant.

Go on. Do it.
Ant Rogenous (Tuesday 8 April 2008, 4:30 pm) #

You bastards. Let’s just settle on this and be done with it: Howard sent the same gift to Devine and Albrechtsen, with the instruction that all they need to do to enjoy it is turn it the other way around.
Bron (Tuesday 8 April 2008, 4:50 pm) #

Oh! Like… um. How would it work, exactly? Would they need a willing partner?
Damian (Tuesday 8 April 2008, 4:57 pm) #

This is shaping up as a GrodsSealedSection. I only hope that the Miranda-Janet “spread” (chuckle chuckle) comes with those little black dots stuck on it.
Zombie Mao (Tuesday 8 April 2008, 4:58 pm) #

he same gift to Devine and Albrechtsen, with the instruction that all they need to do to enjoy it is turn it the other way around.

Dunno about Devine, bur Is uspect Albrechtsen may not have to..

boom..tish..
Bron (Tuesday 8 April 2008, 5:01 pm) #

I don’t geddit, Zombie.
Damian (Tuesday 8 April 2008, 5:07 pm) #

You know, Bron. Skanky ho.

Umm, bottle. Hallway. Never mind.
Bron (Tuesday 8 April 2008, 5:10 pm) #

I’m just an innocent baby lamb.
Mikey (Tuesday 8 April 2008, 5:42 pm) #

Yep, I was not surprised. I knew it had to come out along those lines.

Is it me or does it look like a disturbing adult spin on the kiddies train series; perhaps from Thomas the Fuck engine?
Bron (Tuesday 8 April 2008, 7:30 pm) #

Thomas the Fuck Engine - that coulda been the ex-boyfriend of my friend, who had to dump him because… well. Something to do with energy, she told me.
Bridgit Gread (Tuesday 8 April 2008, 8:20 pm) #

Bron, is this one of those “My friend had this boyfriend…” that’s said nervously while looking at the ceiling?
Bridgit Gread (Tuesday 8 April 2008, 8:21 pm) #

I don’t geddit, Zombie.

Allow me to translate … Janet may have a dick.
Bron (Tuesday 8 April 2008, 8:49 pm) #

Bron, is this one of those “My friend had this boyfriend…” that’s said nervously while looking at the ceiling?

Whut?! How could you suggest a thing?! I’m aghast! Horrified!

Tis really true, it was my friend’s boyfriend who, to put it bluntly, wore her out with constant sex. His name was Thomas and we all called him the sex machine. From the stories she regaled us with, we were exhausted just listening, and a little sore in the phantom sense. Anyway, Thomas the Fuck Engine seems wonderfully apt.

Now, there was this guy that I went out — and I’m not looking at the ceiling here, but am wincing a little from the memory — whose penis was so [self-censored - who needs this stuff to be recorded for posterity?]. Boy oh boy. That was awkward.
Bridgit Gread (Tuesday 8 April 2008, 9:02 pm) #

Talk about leaving us hanging!
What was it? Huge? Bent? Green? Double-pronged? Electric?
Bridgit Gread (Tuesday 8 April 2008, 9:04 pm) #

We have all known a ‘Thomas’ or two: guys who think speed = skill, and that their sexual prowess is best measured with a tachometer.
Bron (Tuesday 8 April 2008, 9:43 pm) #

Oh OK, now I’m really looking at the ceiling in slight (read: a lot) embarrassment, if I have to tell you. (See, just a little encouragement and I’m yours, baby)

Well, we’d been together a few weeks without, um, you know… because we met sober otherwise it would have been a different story. Anyway, because we were sober, we were rational and sensible and agreed to “get to know each other before having sex”. So then, ah, after some time, I went out with the girls and afterwards, heavily fortified with grape juice, I went to his house, banged loudly on the door, was let in and stumbled to his bedroom, making my intentions fairly clear.

So, er, there we were, “mucking around” a bit, and eventually a few garments came off — his particularly — and I sobered up instantly upon seeing the biggest, ah, “tool” I’ve ever seen — and am not likely to see again.

After staring at it slackjawed after what seemed like an eternity, I started wincing at the mere sight of it. It was gonna hurt, I knew. I started backtracking, mewing pathetically that we needed to get to know each other a little more before having sex and that I just remembered I had to work tomorrow so I really should get going home and I’m drunk and want our first time to be “special” and anyway, wouldn’t you respect me more if I showed a little restraint?

Oh fuck, it was awfully embarrassing. We broke up 2 days later, with me cowardly stating that I wasn’t “over” my ex-boyfriend, the last one, who was the first great love of my life.

I’m sure he could tell I was bullshitting. But I don’t think he guessed the REAL reason why I couldn’t see him anymore. I must’ve hidden my stunned mullet look rather well.

About 2 months later, I was happily ensconced in a new relationship with a man whose, huh, thing was manageable, to put it delicately, if you must know. We were at the local nightclub and my very, very drunk friend saw the “Big Dick” and told him the real reason I broke up with him. Shortly after, he, being rather wasted himself, jostled through the dancing masses to where I was dancing, and yelled, “SO YA RECKON I GOT A BIG COCK, HUH?” It was a silly thing to do, considering I was dancing with my burly Islander boyfriend at that moment.

Chaos ensued. Security intervened. My boy and I got thrown out and were told not to come back for a month. My boy and I had a shitfight. Broke up. Got back together the next day.

And, as they say, we all lived happily ever after. Except my boy and I didn’t. He was sent back to his island and I was left bereft. Didn’t last long though.

Absence does not make the heart grow fonder, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Shit, I coulda made a post out of this long dribble. But really, best that it gets buried in the comments.

Anyway, “Ladette to Lady” has just come on. Now, those are some girls who would take whatever comes their way.
Bron (Tuesday 8 April 2008, 9:45 pm) #

I should add that I was about 20 years old then. Twenty year olds are pissweak when it comes to breaking up.
Mikey (Tuesday 8 April 2008, 9:51 pm) #

How do they attach the tachometer? Hang it off the cock ring?
Terry Wright (Tuesday 8 April 2008, 9:55 pm) #

I don’t know what was better … the Howard FL or Bron’s story?
Bron (Tuesday 8 April 2008, 10:00 pm) #

MINE, Terry, MINE.

Or I will never talk to you again.
Bridgit Gread (Tuesday 8 April 2008, 10:09 pm) #

Bron’s comment/yarn beats the hell out of Fleshlight one-liners, hands down.
Bridgit Gread (Tuesday 8 April 2008, 10:10 pm) #

Anyway, because we were sober, we were rational and sensible and agreed to “get to know each other before having sex”.

Fools! That never works.
Bron (Tuesday 8 April 2008, 10:14 pm) #

You’re right, Bridgit, it never works. Otherwise I would have found out about his…you know…earlier.
Bridgit Gread (Tuesday 8 April 2008, 10:20 pm) #

Yes, right about the time you’re limping to the tram stop at 6am, legs uncomfortably splayed like you’ve just had eight rides at Flemington.
Bron (Tuesday 8 April 2008, 10:23 pm) #

Oh my god, flashback!
Bridgit Gread (Tuesday 8 April 2008, 10:39 pm) #

Wow, were you once a jockey?!?

The Grodsthinkers will burst a gasket when they arrive home and read this girls-gone-wild thread, methinks.
Bron (Tuesday 8 April 2008, 10:48 pm) #

Wow, were you once a jockey?!?

No, but I know how to ride ‘em and whip ‘em! Hur hur hur.

GIDDY UP!

The Grodsthinkers will burst a gasket when they arrive home and read this girls-gone-wild thread, methinks.

Hehe, I was thinking the same thing too. Let’s HOPE SO!!!

It certainly would make up for putting up with their boyish Fleshlight…er…jokes.
Bridgit Gread (Tuesday 8 April 2008, 10:51 pm) #

They’ll be reassured by discovering that gigantic penises don’t actually turn most women on.
Bron (Tuesday 8 April 2008, 10:56 pm) #

Reassured?

I reckon they’ll have an existential crisis.

WHAT’S THE POINT?!, they’ll cry.

Those emails promising bigger penises by chewing on herbal supplements or whatever they are have a lot to answer for.
Terry Wright (Tuesday 8 April 2008, 11:22 pm) #

C’mon girls, this is a family blog.
THR (Tuesday 8 April 2008, 11:29 pm) #

The Grodsthinkers will burst a gasket when they arrive home and read this girls-gone-wild thread, methinks.

Yes, yes, but comrades, I’m mystified as to what this has to do with the Eighteenth Brumaire and the Fourth International…
Bron (Tuesday 8 April 2008, 11:31 pm) #

Um.

Yes, Terry, we realise that — that’s why we’re discussing big dicks and equine sex and, indirectly, the fragile male ego.
Bron (Tuesday 8 April 2008, 11:32 pm) #

Yes, yes, but comrades, I’m mystified as to what this has to do with the Eighteenth Brumaire and the Fourth International…

It has dick all to do with that stuff. Comrade. Solidarity.
THR (Tuesday 8 April 2008, 11:41 pm) #

It has dick all to do with that stuff. Comrade. Solidarity.

This blog is known as ‘Trotskorp’ in some enlightened quarters. There is a standard to maintain. Schlong stories are petit-bourgeois deviationism…
Damian (Tuesday 8 April 2008, 11:42 pm) #

“C’mon girls, this is a family blog.”

…says Mr Femfresh.
Bruce (Wednesday 9 April 2008, 8:01 am) #

There are factional battles in the Libs about another version of the Howard Fleshlight. Some want a model that shows where they think the light shines from, while others don’t want the likeness of Howard’s posterior involved in an approximation of buggery.

The latter clearly didn’t have a say in their ex-leader’s dealings with GW Bush Jr.
The Editor (Wednesday 9 April 2008, 8:22 am) #

This is officially the best ever comments thread on GrodsCorp. Ever. In the world. I feel like closing it to further comments so we can preserve it like a museum exhibit.
Bron (Wednesday 9 April 2008, 10:02 am) #

Stop oppressing the women, Mr The. Don’t close it or we will ask the lovely Ms Germaine Greer to write a scathing attack on you. She’s pretty good at it, you know.
Ant Rogenous (Wednesday 9 April 2008, 10:08 am) #

I’m with Ed on this one:
Best. Comment. Thread. Ever.
Bron (Wednesday 9 April 2008, 10:19 am) #

Yes, but do you want to close this thread too, Ant? Cos if you do…
Ant Rogenous (Wednesday 9 April 2008, 10:23 am) #

I’m happy to have it kept open, but it can only go downhill from here.
Bron (Wednesday 9 April 2008, 10:26 am) #

Ah, you’re safe then.
Bridgit Gread (Wednesday 9 April 2008, 10:54 am) #

We need more big dick or one-night-stand stories, followed by a reiteration of female affection for average-sized penises. Otherwise, the thread is doomed, at least in Ant’s view.
EC (Wednesday 9 April 2008, 10:55 am) #

Bron thanks for sharing. When I was (much) younger I had a fling with a guy who was 6 foot 6 and um, built to scale.

Rest assured menfolk, you really can have too much of a good thing.
EC (Wednesday 9 April 2008, 10:56 am) #

Bridgit who is your scary gravatar?
Damian (Wednesday 9 April 2008, 10:57 am) #

I’ve been compelled to return to this thread because of a nagging question about the big story. You know how the big cock guy spoke to you while you were with the new guy? Well, I think we need to know, was the new guy’s cock as big as the big cock guy’s? Just for context.
EC (Wednesday 9 April 2008, 11:01 am) #

Damian you perv!
Bridgit Gread (Wednesday 9 April 2008, 11:03 am) #

Next from Damian: “Can you e-mail me a tracing?”

EC, it’s Dr Lecter, former Liberal Party front-bencher for health.
Damian (Wednesday 9 April 2008, 11:03 am) #

Heh.

I know, I was struggling to make a contribution when the standard was already so high. I guess Ant was right. Downhill we go.
EC (Wednesday 9 April 2008, 11:08 am) #

LOL Bridgit.
Damian (Wednesday 9 April 2008, 11:09 am) #

Me pwned.
Bron (Wednesday 9 April 2008, 11:48 am) #

Since the thread is going downhill, I might as well give it a hefty shove to help it reach the bottom faster by answering Damian’s question. Let’s put it this way: new guy’s dick was a snug fit. Do you want pix too?
THR (Wednesday 9 April 2008, 12:11 pm) #

Do you want pix too?

Mpeg format is fine.
Bridgit Gread (Wednesday 9 April 2008, 12:19 pm) #

A few years back my sister had a fling with Mark Waugh and reported that his ’schlong’ was more a ’schmedium’. So pecker size is not a prerequisite for international cricketers, it seems.
Ant Rogenous (Wednesday 9 April 2008, 12:24 pm) #

I’d be willing to bet that Shane Warne is hung like a Capsicum annuum var. annuum.
Bridgit Gread (Wednesday 9 April 2008, 12:30 pm) #

Given the places he’s put it, then it’s probably also that colour.