GrodsCorp

Spies like us

Thursday 17 April 2008, 4:15 pm

Bron

Categories: Corporate stupidity, Public transport, Sydney

Tags: CorporateRaiders, MindYourOwnBusiness, spying

I had quite an exciting time on the train this morning, on my way to work. It was also God-sent, because I’d left my book at home.

When I squeezed in next to the natty looking gent on the train, I accidentally sat on the corner of his suit jacket, and he got a little huffy about that. I mumbled something that I wished sounded like “You’re a fucking idiot, you know?”, but it sounded more like “sorry”.

As you can tell, I’m a wonderful person to be with in the mornings.

So, there I am, sitting on the train, wondering why my book wasn’t in my bag, when the dude next to me caught my attention again by looking like he was rehearsing for a speech. He had a notepad on his lap, his mouth was moving silently, and his hands making little movements as if he was talking to an audience. Aha! I thought. What’s he rehearsing for? Is he nervous? I hope he is, I thought meanly, because he didn’t move the corner of his jacket off the seat before I sat down.

I should point out that I am by nature a curious (some might say nosey) person about other people. Particularly if I don’t have anything to read on the train. I like to wonder about people around me – who are they, where are they going, how do they feel, do they make more money than me, did they get lucky last night? That sort of thing.

So, with my curiosity piqued, I had to take a quick surreptitious look at his notepad to see what he was obviously memorising and practising. First point went something like this:

1. If we have to do it, we have to do it.

Cor blimey, I thought, that’s deep. And easy enough to remember. But do what? I sneak another look.

2. Compliance/asic – asic have axe to grind. Give them an inch and they will take a mile.

Oooh, he’s clearly talking about ASIC – Australian Securities and Investments Commission, the body responsible for “ensuring that Australia’s financial markets are fair and transparent, supported by confident and informed investors and consumers.”

And with whom does ASIC have an axe to grind? Oh! This is better than the book that’s not in my bag! Am I sitting next to a white-collar crim?! I glance oh-so-casually out the window past his profile, pretending to figure out where we are, and EEEK! It’s Gordon Gekko! Corporate raider! Slicked back hair, smooth freshly shaven skin… well, actually, that’s as far as the similarities go. Oh, and natty suit, which, I remind you, I partially sat on.

3. Telephone bugging – sound “different” – monitoring.

By now, I’m mentally writing a TV script that will rival Underbelly. Spies skulking around the corridors of power, money and high-fliers. Bugs inserted into board room meetings full of white men in natty suits wearing expensive gold, monogrammed cufflinks. Richly decorated offices with expansive harbour views being fumigated by smells from Boss, Drakkar Noir and Old Spice. Golden-haired secretaries wearing crisp white shirts and sharp black skirts and long tanned legs, complete with peek-a-boo red lingerie underneath.

Settle, boys. Girls, too.

4. Not all markets are doing this. Golden opportunity…

What? What was that? Not doing what? Why is it underlined? I twist my head blatantly to read it but I didn’t get a chance — Mr Gekko had flipped his notepad shut and we were rolling into Martin Place Station, and he pushed past me, even though I was also getting off at the same station. I just hadn’t budged yet because I was so engrossed with trying to read his small but legible writing, and there were another 5 or 6 points to still read.

I nearly cried. I nearly followed him, but he moved way too fast, fast like a man on a mission to steal millions of dollars.

I turned up to work, feeling robbed, not of millions of dollars, but of having my spying skills cut short.

It’s your turn, dear GrodsReaders. What do you think his notes were about? What and who was he memorising his notes for? What were they going to do? Is it legal? Why is ASIC attempting to take a mile off them?

Also, may I remind you to be careful if you’re on public transport; you never know, I could be sitting next to you.

31 Comments

Steve D (Thursday 17 April 2008, 4:33 pm) #

Ha! You won’t ever be sitting next to me. I travel on Connex.

We stand.
Ant Rogenous (Thursday 17 April 2008, 4:46 pm) #

No idea what he might have been up to, Bron. But you’ve given me an awesome idea. From now on, each morning on the tram I’m going to sit next to the nosiest-looking bugger (or buggeress) I can find and scribble intriguing to-do lists in my notepad:

1) Pick up gear (don’t forget X strength condoms this time!!)
2) Move Maddie into basement — screams from garage eliciting attention
3) Coffee with Andrew Bolt

And so on.
Bron (Thursday 17 April 2008, 4:56 pm) #

4) JIHAD ON THE EDITOR.
Chuck A. Spear (Thursday 17 April 2008, 4:58 pm) #

I knew you were a spy… of sorts. Apart from all the secret squirrel stuff, how did you forget Mills & Boon?

ASIC should get the blowtorch off this dude and put it on the petrol companies, that’s unless he works for the petrol companies.

You should have tailed him to work. Remember to get the same train and the same carriage tomorrow to see the rest of his notes. And take a camera, a trench coat, a newspaper and a pair of dark glasses.
Bron (Thursday 17 April 2008, 4:58 pm) #

BTW Ant, I deliberately wrote “with whom” just for you.
Ant Rogenous (Thursday 17 April 2008, 5:00 pm) #

Thanks! I’ve already printed off the page and pinned it up in my office cubicle.
Wah (Thursday 17 April 2008, 6:43 pm) #

I reckon he’s involved with price fixing - the cunt. ASIC have an axe to grind ith price fixing, the investigate it usong telephone bugging and not all markets are doing it because they’re scared of the big fines.

Of course if he has darkish skin then he must be a terrorist.
Ray Dixon (Thursday 17 April 2008, 7:26 pm) #

Bron you were sitting next to the CEO of MFS Ltd (now renamed Octaviar, just to throw the punters off) and he was plotting how they’d handle the inevitable ASIC investigation and charges.

Haven’t heard of MFS? You will, it’s a bigger rip-off than HIH. They own, among many other things, the Mt Hotham & Falls Creek Ski Resorts and what they’ve been doing with public funds is amazing. I reckon the losses will be around $5 billion when the shit finally hits the fan around mid-year.

Oh yeah, he was taking the train because the Mercedes has been repossessed - they don’t pay their debts either.
steve (Thursday 17 April 2008, 7:46 pm) #

Don’t quite make the grade as fiscal conservatives apparently. Seem more like the main business is divesting people’s hard earned cash.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/MFS_Limited
steve (Thursday 17 April 2008, 7:49 pm) #

Oh Dear, Andrew Peacock Chairman. Name rings a bell.
Bron (Thursday 17 April 2008, 7:49 pm) #

He’s a market terrorist, most likely, Wah. Lily white skin ripping off the punters.
Bron (Thursday 17 April 2008, 7:56 pm) #

You know, Ray, the silly thing is, when I got into work, I immediately went to the business page of the Sydney Morning Herald online and scanned the screen for any possible links. And I saw that Octavia mentioned.

Hmmm. I might have to start stalking him. Nosy person turns white-collar crime-busting superhero of the people!
steve (Thursday 17 April 2008, 8:05 pm) #

Looks like they will be busy people for a while.

http://www.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=conews&tkr=MFS:AU
steve (Thursday 17 April 2008, 8:14 pm) #

Loved the April fools day rally where they led the Australian Property stocks higher - says it all really.
The Editor (Thursday 17 April 2008, 10:53 pm) #

Bron, it’s your GrodsDuty to do all in your power to find this man on the train tomorrow and read his notebook. You could try chlorophyll or something.
Bron (Thursday 17 April 2008, 11:15 pm) #

I could use a mX “Here’s looking at you” letter to track him down.

Oooh yes. Now there’s an idea!
Ant Rogenous (Thursday 17 April 2008, 11:33 pm) #

I SPY: The man on the 6.50am train with the notepad and scant regard for corporate ethics — if we have to do it, we have to do it.

– Bron, Grodsville.
Bron (Thursday 17 April 2008, 11:46 pm) #

HAHA! Actually, it was the 8.16am train. I overslept.

But that’s a good one. I’ll submit it tomorrow! Will update if anything happens.
krypto (Friday 18 April 2008, 3:37 am) #

do you know how difficult it is for police to investigate murder when the murderer and the victim are complete strangers? Just saying.
The Editor (Friday 18 April 2008, 7:10 am) #

Krypto’s back!
Dave from Albury (Friday 18 April 2008, 9:44 am) #

And his regard for law and order is obviously intact.
Bron (Friday 18 April 2008, 10:03 am) #

Ant’s letter (with the correct train time) has been sent to Corporate Raider via mX Talk. Signed by me, of course, not Ant.

Wah, do us a favour, eh? Ask your friend to publish Grods’ favourite letter of the week. Please? I’ll buy you a beer.
Dave from Albury (Friday 18 April 2008, 10:10 am) #

MX could become a new frontier for Grods. C’mon Wah, just a little bit of bribery and corruption could be the way for all of us to reach a broader audience. That said, given the disdain that we usually show for that greater audience…..

Nah fuck it, let’s take over MX.
Bron (Friday 18 April 2008, 10:13 am) #

Watch out, mX readers, we’re a-coming! We’ll show you how to perv and hit on hot babes and lads, and if you follow our rules, you’ll SCORE!
Magic Bellybutton (Friday 18 April 2008, 1:13 pm) #

nd if you follow our rules, you’ll SCORE!

You’ll score a fleshlight!
Bron (Friday 18 April 2008, 2:15 pm) #

Announcement:

The Grods world domination plans and corporate raid on MX has been cancelled.

Stakeholders:

Direct your grievances and claims for Fleshlights to Administrator Magic Bellybutton.
magic bellybutton (Friday 18 April 2008, 4:36 pm) #

I know nothing!
Bron (Friday 18 April 2008, 4:53 pm) #

Spoken like a true CEO, magic bellybutton!!
magic bellybutton (Friday 18 April 2008, 10:32 pm) #

:-)
Mikey (Friday 18 April 2008, 11:03 pm) #

I’d like to grins ASIC. Know what I’m sayin’!

(holds hand up for five)
magic bellybutton (Saturday 19 April 2008, 12:05 am) #

ASIC Five!