GrodsCorp

Here’s looking at you, kid

Thursday 17 April 2008, 9:37 pm

Bron

Categories: Bogans, Media, Public transport, Sydney

Tags: CronullaBogans, MX, ShithouseLetters

Not only did I weep on the train this morning on my way to work, I also wept on the train on my way home.

MX, that highly regarded and informative, hard-hitting free newspaper distributed to commuters every afternoon from about 3.30pm onwards (in Sydney, at least), was thrust into my unwilling hands as I rushed into the train station. After a bitch fight pushing heavily pregnant women and geriatric men with Zimmer frames out of the way to grab the last seat, I settled back for a good read.

One of my favourite parts — or not so favourite, I can’t really decide — is the letters page, especially the little section called “Here’s looking at you”, where people leave messages for other people they’ve seen on a train or bus that they fancy, or simply want to root.

For example,

The stunner with the purple bag and black-rim glasses who gets on at Sutherland at 7.29am, you brighten my day.

– James, Wollongong.

While that’s a little sappy, it’s reflective of the usual shout-outs that get printed. However, every once in a while, a really, really, really terrible one gets printed, and so it was today when I read the following and wept because of its sheer awfulness:

The girl in the brown leather jacket on the 6.30 Waterfall train. If you were a McDonald’s burger, you’d be a McGorgeous.

– Tristan, Cronulla.

43 Comments

Ant Rogenous (Thursday 17 April 2008, 9:53 pm) #

Cut Tristan some slack, Bron — at least he didn’t say he wanted to be the cheese in her McMuff.
Bron (Thursday 17 April 2008, 9:56 pm) #

Oh God, Ant. Are you from Cronulla too?
Ant Rogenous (Thursday 17 April 2008, 10:08 pm) #

I moved out after the riots. I still listen to Alan Jones, though.
Chuck A. Spear (Thursday 17 April 2008, 10:18 pm) #

Hey, Tristan must be talking about me. I was wearing a brown leather jacket today on the train. And yesterday too.
Bron (Thursday 17 April 2008, 10:23 pm) #

Come to think of it, I was wearing a brown cardigan - maybe Tristan got the material type mixed up? He is from Cronulla after all. And that’s my train.

Oh shit.
Bron (Thursday 17 April 2008, 10:24 pm) #

No, can’t be. I don’t wake up till 6.50am.

Thank God for that. I was so worried for a moment there.
Zombie Mao (Thursday 17 April 2008, 10:28 pm) #

Sydney people are very weird.
Chuck A. Spear (Thursday 17 April 2008, 10:29 pm) #

Tristan is a great name. I knew a kid called Tristan at school. Tristan Ludwig. He was Oliver in the school musical. That pretty much says it all about the name Tristan.

—
That was you in the brown cardigan Bron? Check the MX letters section tomorrow then.
Bron (Thursday 17 April 2008, 10:32 pm) #

No, Zombie Mao, only those from Cronulla. The Shire area. Bogan enclave.

If you don’t get that right, you’re banned! No warnings.
Bron (Thursday 17 April 2008, 10:33 pm) #

Chuck, it would just be my luck to enter the train station tomorrow through a different entrance - where there’s no one pushing mX.

So, don’t you dare.
The Editor (Thursday 17 April 2008, 10:52 pm) #

One day some poor woman is going to get attacked and raped and the cops are going to trace a history of MX stalking. There’ll be moral outrage from exactly the same people who religiously read the stalking column in MX.
Bron (Thursday 17 April 2008, 11:26 pm) #

Prophesy from The Editor!
Bruce (Friday 18 April 2008, 12:23 am) #

It least it’s not as bad as say…

To the emaciated, Coulteresque blonde who gets on at 7:15 at Dingleberryton. If you like chocolate, I’ve got a bar you can wrap your mouth around.

- Scum, Jerkington.

Or…

To the emo girl who gets on at Grodsvilla on the way to Stuffington’s Girls School, your Doc Martins remind me of early 80’s post-punk. Wanna come around to mine and listen to some tapes?

- New Romantic, Peterpansyndrometown.

Or…

To the inner city leftie who won’t respond to my advances. I have your photo; you will be named and shamed on my blog; with aerial shots.

- Uncle “Jed”; from out of town, back-of-boondocks.
Ant Rogenous (Friday 18 April 2008, 12:38 am) #

That last one’s pure gold, Bruce. Heaven knows where you’d get the idea for a character like that, though.
krypto (Friday 18 April 2008, 3:33 am) #

ah you city folk, always have to complicate things. I guess simply approaching a person and saying “hello” translates to an admission that “I’m a deranged axe wielding serial multi-cide” in urban parlance huh?
Wah (Friday 18 April 2008, 7:05 am) #

I know the person who actually subedited those letters - I know him very well. He says that he had to delete a letter because of space and it was out of those two and another which began with the usual “To the blonde girl blah, blah, blah … YOU ARE THE WIND BENEATH MY WINGS!”

What a cunt. My friend, who I know very well, deleted that that one to prevent mass vomiting on CityRail.
Jeremy (Friday 18 April 2008, 7:24 am) #

Who doesn’t like being compared to a McDonald’s product? I await the new line of Hallmark cards.
Dave from Albury (Friday 18 April 2008, 9:37 am) #

I’d like to be a McStudMuffin, sadly I’m more like a vanilla thickshake, without so much of the shake.
Ray Dixon (Friday 18 April 2008, 9:55 am) #

Tristan on the 6.30 to Waterfall, with a name like that I’d say you’re only packing a Junior Burger. Sorry I’m looking for a guy with a quarter pounder.

- Girl in the brown leather jacket
Bron (Friday 18 April 2008, 10:00 am) #

Quarter Pounder, eh, Ray? She ain’t asking for much. She could have asked for a Big Mac.
Dave from Albury (Friday 18 April 2008, 10:00 am) #

Ray delivers.
Dave from Albury (Friday 18 April 2008, 10:01 am) #

Actually Bron (puts on maccas nerd hat) there’s less meat in a big mac than in a quarter pounder.
steveo (Friday 18 April 2008, 10:02 am) #

Maybe the girl already has another lady-friend on the side and prefers a Fillet O’Fish???
Dave from Albury (Friday 18 April 2008, 10:06 am) #

All this time I’ve been wasting my effort getting published in the SMH and the Border Mail while the real action has been unfolding in MX.
Bron (Friday 18 April 2008, 10:07 am) #

Oh Steveo.

*chortles*
Bron (Friday 18 April 2008, 10:09 am) #

That’s bad, Dave. I’ve had letters published in the SMH AND The Age. So nerr.
Dave from Albury (Friday 18 April 2008, 10:13 am) #

Oh I’ve been published Bron, multiple Column 8s too if you must know. So ner ner nah ner ner.
Dave from Albury (Friday 18 April 2008, 10:14 am) #

First letter above the cartoon too, I might add, not down the right hand column with the lightweight stuff.
Bron (Friday 18 April 2008, 10:15 am) #

Piss orf, showoff.
Terry Wright (Friday 18 April 2008, 10:16 am) #

Yes, 2 *chortles* for Steveo’s comment.
Bron (Friday 18 April 2008, 10:16 am) #

PS I love Column8. First thing I read when I log on.
Dave from Albury (Friday 18 April 2008, 10:17 am) #

Piss orf, showoff.

It’s funny, Gerard Henderson said that to me just the other day.
Ray Dixon (Friday 18 April 2008, 10:18 am) #

If she really wanted to insuly him she could have called him “Chicken Nuggets”.
Bron (Friday 18 April 2008, 10:18 am) #

PPS And second thing I read (on Thursdays) is Danny Katz in the Age. He’s fantastic.
Ray Dixon (Friday 18 April 2008, 10:18 am) #

“insult” him
Bron (Friday 18 April 2008, 10:19 am) #

For once, I might just agree with Gerard Henderson!
Bron (Friday 18 April 2008, 10:21 am) #

Hehe, that’s good too, Ray. Perhaps I should write Tristan a note:

Hey Tristan, she don’t want your McNuggets.
Ray Dixon (Friday 18 April 2008, 10:25 am) #

Dave’s a fast-food expert by the sound of it - I believe he’s a graduate of the Eagle Boys University of Armidale.
Dave from Albury (Friday 18 April 2008, 10:28 am) #

For once, I might just agree with Gerard Henderson!

It’s funny, Robert Manne said that to me just the other day.
Ray Dixon (Friday 18 April 2008, 10:35 am) #

“All this time I’ve been wasting my effort getting published in the SMH and the Border Mail …”

Your talents are wasted in the BM Dave, think of the target audience.
Bron (Friday 18 April 2008, 10:36 am) #

I believe he’s a graduate of the Eagle Boys University of Armidale.

Pfft. That’s nothing. I’m a graduate of the Woolworths Academy of Trolley Collecting.
Mikey (Friday 18 April 2008, 10:53 pm) #

What a McFuckstick.
Bridgit Gread (Sunday 20 April 2008, 11:16 pm) #

“To my fellow commuters on the 6.50 from Penrith yesterday - who fucking farted??”