GrodsCorp

One heart attack to take away, and that’s an order

Thursday 22 May 2008, 2:14 pm

Ant Rogenous

Categories: Society, Weird shit

Tags: butter, marmalade, toast, Vegemite, wankers

A middle-aged bloke in front of me at the café this morning asked, in the rudest possible fashion, for a piece of toast spread with Vegemite, butter and marmalade.

“In … that … order … please,” he barked at the poor kid behind the counter, who cowered and shuffled off to assemble the bastard’s breakfast with the terrified caution of a Parkinson’s sufferer playing KerPlunk with blasting caps and lit tealights.

A couple of points:

1) Leaving aside the fact that anyone who buys toast from a café is a chump, anyone who is particular to the point of discourtesy about the application of condiments to said toast should bloody well make it himself before he leaves for work.

2) Either this man has a palate so inconceivably discerning that it can distinguish yeast, salt, animal fat, fruit peel and sugar by the sequence in which they were placed on the bread, despite all of the ingredients having entered his mouth at precisely the same time; or he’s just a garden-variety wanker who gets some perverse thrill out of making life difficult for people.

Oh, and Vegemite, butter and marmalade on toast? Eat shit, Hollywood.

7 Comments

jimmy (Thursday 22 May 2008, 2:31 pm) #

Pure. Fucking. Gold.
The Editor (Thursday 22 May 2008, 2:56 pm) #

If this happened to me when I worked in a cafe I would kill the motherfucker with the blunt end of a fucking teaspoon.
Mondo Rock (Thursday 22 May 2008, 7:45 pm) #

Either this man has a palate so inconceivably discerning that it can distinguish yeast, salt, animal fat, fruit peel and sugar by the sequence in which they were placed on the bread, despite all of the ingredients having entered his mouth at precisely the same time;

That’s one of the funniest fucking things I’ve read for ages Ant. Thank you for your words.
Zombie Mao (Thursday 22 May 2008, 8:17 pm) #

pffft

everyone knows its vegimite and strawberry jam for teh win
Bron (Thursday 22 May 2008, 9:03 pm) #

That’s such a disgusting mix to put on toast. Some people, eh?
Wah (Friday 23 May 2008, 12:04 am) #

I bet the prick was a cyclist.
Krypto (Friday 23 May 2008, 12:40 pm) #

I’d be going with option 2, garden variety wanker.

Personally I’d have given him a slice of toast with ratsack, powdered glass and caustic soda…in that order.