grodscorp@grods.com(c)Ant(anker)Rogenous strikes again
 | Posted by Ant Rogenous on Wednesday 25 June 2008, 2:32 pm Categories: Bike riding, Dogs, Society Tags: creek, DogOwners, justice, teenagers, WeimerRogenous |
Perhaps inspired by GrodsCommenter Hip’s excoriation of ill-mannered yoof in a recent thread, I found myself doling out some more improvised justice yesterday afternoon, this time to a couple of punk teens at the local park.
Truth be told, I wasn’t in a good mood to begin with. About two minutes in to the walk, my dog bounded off to say “hai!” to a young boxer on a lead. It was an entirely friendly meeting, complete with mutual bum-sniffing and wagging tails. But since the boxer’s crabby-looking owner had a face like a puckered arsehole freshly buggered with a lemon wedge, I called my dog to come back — which he duly ignored.
As I walked over to grab my dog, who was still having a great old time with his new mate, the boxer’s owner glared at me. “Why don’t you try putting him on a lead?” she snarled.
And instead of pointing out that this is precisely how dogs socialise in a designated off-lead park, and that anyone who is uncomfortable about it should consider walking their precious mutt where leads are mandatory, I answered her question with another question: “Why don’t you go and fuck yourself?”
Thus was the tone set for the rest of the walk.
Before too long, I noticed a ruckus approaching and turned to find two boys in their early teens riding BMXs recklessly with large branches balanced on their handlebars — god only knows why.
“Gits,” I thought as they zoomed past.
Some way further along the path — which winds its way between a creek and a densely wooded area — I came around a bend and saw my dog sniffing at one of the BMXs, which had been abandoned on the creek side of the path. I was a good 20 metres behind my dog at this stage, and at first couldn’t see where the kids had got to.
As I neared the bike and my dog, I heard some scuffling and saw some movement from among the trees — and suddenly noticed that the little bastards were hurling sticks and stones at my unsuspecting, defenceless pooch.
So I picked up the bike and threw it in the creek.
GrodsThink Ep.31 (16/9/08)
Wednesday 25 June 2008, 2:44 pm #Bron
I cheered, Ant, CHEERED! Good onya. Serves those schmucks right.
Wednesday 25 June 2008, 2:48 pm #The Editor
Sen-fucking-sational,
GeorgeAnt. The fucking yoof today, I tells ya.Wednesday 25 June 2008, 2:53 pm #EC
Ha! That’s great! Little arseholes.
Wednesday 25 June 2008, 2:58 pm #Evil Bill
Awesome. As I was scrolling down I didn’t think you had left enough room to dole out adequate justice. I was wrong.
Wednesday 25 June 2008, 3:11 pm #Bron
Actually, what happened after you threw the bike in the creek, Ant? Did you grab your dog and run?! Stand there, beat your chest and yell, “DON’T FUCK WITH ME, MOTHERFUCKERS!”
What happened next?
Wednesday 25 June 2008, 3:19 pm #keri
Oh, glorious!
Wednesday 25 June 2008, 3:28 pm #Jeremy
Yeah, I want to hear what happened next. Fucking kids who hurt animals… future murdering psychopaths, the lot of them.
Wednesday 25 June 2008, 3:34 pm #magic bellybutton
Just. Fucking. Awesome.
Wednesday 25 June 2008, 3:55 pm #Chuck A. Spear
So I picked up the bike and threw it in the creek
Did you do a bunny-hop first?
Wednesday 25 June 2008, 4:49 pm #Bridgit Gread
At first I laughed heartily until my bladder exploded.
But then I thought, isn’t that bike-ist?
Wednesday 25 June 2008, 6:01 pm #Ant Rogenous
Hey, don’t get me wrong, Bridgit — some of my best friends are bikes.
Oh, and I just knew I was going to get asked what happened next — I feel like Gordie Lachance telling Vern Tessio the story about Lard-Ass in Stand By Me!
For those who must know … amazingly, nothing happened. I just kept walking, expecting the kids to come running out and either try to rescue the bike or follow and confront me — or both. But I didn’t even hear them come out from the trees.
They surely saw what I did, because they obviously had a good enough view to aim sticks and stones at my dog. So it’s most likely the gutless little shits waited until I was long gone before they came out.
I can’t blame them, though — they’re not to know I’m actually a placid and reasonable bloke. Lately, my Beard Of Shame has come roaring back to life, and as the GrodsThinkers will attest, I look rather like a wild animal these days.
Wednesday 25 June 2008, 6:30 pm #John Surname
Oh, Ant. That has given me the biggest laugh I’ve had for days.
Wednesday 25 June 2008, 6:52 pm #Private Tom
It could’ve been worse. Those kids could’ve pissed Wah.
Wednesday 25 June 2008, 6:53 pm #Private Tom
Sorry-pissed off Wah.
Wednesday 25 June 2008, 6:55 pm #Andy B
I’m well known for a being a cantankerous old cunt at the best of times, but even this made me chuckle.
I also have an erection, but that’s completely unrelated to your post… I think.
Wednesday 25 June 2008, 6:55 pm #The Editor
And imagine how pissed off Wah would’ve been if they pissed on Wah.
Wednesday 25 June 2008, 6:57 pm #Bridgit Gread
I also have an erection, but that’s completely unrelated to your post
So do I (we’re putting up a new pergola).
Wednesday 25 June 2008, 7:33 pm #Bron
Speaking of erections, right now on 7:30 Report, a recap of the rise and fall of the Democrats. Look! Andrew Bartlett! Where’s Surname?!
Wednesday 25 June 2008, 7:45 pm #Bridgit Gread
In bed with his Stott-Despoja doll.
Wednesday 25 June 2008, 9:54 pm #Wah
Believe me, knowing the Ant personally, those kids and their bikes would have been safer with me.
Wednesday 25 June 2008, 10:04 pm #THR
In bed with his Stott-Despoja doll.
Scratch one of those, and you find a Meg Lees. (shudders)
Wednesday 25 June 2008, 10:32 pm #Mikey
Poetic gold.
Wednesday 25 June 2008, 11:27 pm #Anna Cleves
Yes. Good. Brilliant. That story could not have ended better.
I have never, ever understood why people would want to hurt animals.
Wednesday 25 June 2008, 11:50 pm #John Surname
I’d tap Lees over Nettles any day. One look at her nearly turned me gay.
Thursday 26 June 2008, 12:55 am #THR
I’d tap Lees over Nettles any day. One look at her nearly turned me gay.
Is this some kind of tipping point? The next step is Bron. And not the good, Grods kind, but the not-so-good, big hair, Bishop kind.
Even Carmen Lawrence is sexier than Lees. There, I said it.
Thursday 26 June 2008, 9:07 am #keri
“as the GrodsThinkers will attest, I look rather like a wild animal these days”
Not only that, but you do look an awful lot like a sailor.
Thursday 26 June 2008, 9:21 am #Ant Rogenous
Someone said “Greek fisherman” the other day — I nearly choked on my taramosalata.
Thursday 26 June 2008, 9:27 am #keri
I didn’t think Fisherman.
It was more of a sailor thing.
Thursday 26 June 2008, 10:03 am #John Surname
No, I’d say Greek fisherman.
Thursday 26 June 2008, 10:05 am #keri
But he doesn’t smoke!
Thursday 26 June 2008, 12:11 pm #Krypto
Ant that’s awesome.
When I had my Dobermann I was going to get a t-shirt printed up says “forget the dog…beware of the f*cking owner”.
I think you should consider getting one too.
Maybe it can be part of a legal defence that you made good attempt to warn people.
Having said that, I think you showed remarkable restraint, I’d have thrown the kids in the creek and then thrown the bike at them while they were scrambling to shore.