GrodsCorp

GrodsCorp’s Timmeh Blair challenge

Thursday 26 June 2008, 8:47 am

The Editor

Categories: Blogosphere, Media

Tags: Q&A, TimBlair

Regular GrodsCorp reader and occasional GrodsCommenter under a number of screen names, Timmeh Blair, is tonight appearing as a panelist on ABC TV’s woeful Q&A. To mark the occasion I’ll put aside my distaste for the program long enough to liveblog it on a slight delay. (I’ve currently got no access to internet and TV simultaneously.) But in preparation for tonight’s show I’d like to launch a double-barrelled GrodsChallenge — one challenge for GrodsReaders and one challenge for Timmeh Blair.

GrodsReader challenge
Here is the short bio that Timmeh wrote for the Q&A website. I have highlighted three sections that I challenge you to rewrite.

Tim Blair

Tim Blair is a columnist and blogger with The Daily Telegraph, Australia’s second best-selling newspaper. He describes his columns, which have previously appeared in The Bulletin, The Australian, The Age, the Sydney Morning Herald, Time magazine and the Australian Financial Review, as [dealing calmly and rationally with the subject of climate change, on which Blair is a world-recognised non-expert.]
Blair recently celebrated World Environment Day by [driving from Sydney to Mackay, Queensland. Only 108 litres of fuel was consumed, a figure Blair himself describes as “pathetic”.]
Raised in Werribee, Victoria, Blair worked as a labourer for five years after dropping out of university. He began his journalism cadetship two decades ago at 23, working for the now-closed Truth newspaper in Melbourne.
Blair supports [the Collingwood Football Club]. He lives in Bondi Junction, Sydney.

Entries in comments. The best substitution will win a framed copy of Blair’s Law, autographed by the lawmaker himself.

Timmeh Blair challenge
Here’s a chance for Timmeh to make some cold, hard GrodsCash. I will personally send him a cheque for the following amounts if he says the following words on the telly tonight:

1) $20 if he says “GrodsCorp”.

2) $50 if he says “Fleshlight” in an obviously sexual context.

Thems the challenges, all. Who will rise to them?

53 Comments

keri (Thursday 26 June 2008, 9:06 am) #

I’ve got nothing on the first two, but on the third:

“Blair supports the decriminalization of goat-fiddling, and more funding into possible uses for Winged Monkeys in modern warfare”
The Editor (Thursday 26 June 2008, 9:23 am) #

Of course Timmeh doesn’t fiddle or support the fiddling of goats, though. Let’s just make that clear.

Maybe we should stay clear of those sorts of suggestions. I was thinking more along the lines of “Blair supports GroupthinkFC…”
keri (Thursday 26 June 2008, 9:25 am) #

I wasn’t suggesting he indulged in the practice, Ed.

Not at all.

Maybe just include the second part then.
keri (Thursday 26 June 2008, 9:42 am) #

And I am not suggesting this is in anyway related to this topic.

Be that as it may:

http://failblog.org/2008/05/22/you-just-dont-leave-certain-groups/
Steve D (Thursday 26 June 2008, 10:31 am) #

“He describes his columns … as ‘completely uninspired by Andrew Bolt. Yep, had nothing to do with that guy. Never even read any of his stuff.’

“Blair recently celebrated World Environment Day by having a high-emission bonfire of global warming propaganda and printouts from The Blair/Bolt Watch Project.

“Blair supports SHOUTING IN HEADLINES.”

I actually prefer “Blair supports GroupthinkFC”, but I can’t go stealing that now.
Chris (Thursday 26 June 2008, 11:10 am) #

Did anyone notice that out of the four people in the main picture, little Blair is the only one who isn’t smiling?
John Surname (Thursday 26 June 2008, 11:13 am) #

He describes his columns as: “a cubist experiment in the modern degradation of journalism.”

Blair recently celebrated World Environment Day by: “hunting endangered species, just to rile the environmentalists.”

Blair supports: Whaling
Krypto (Thursday 26 June 2008, 11:24 am) #

do you suppose the foreman of “Joh’s jury” Luke Shaw changed his name to Tim Blair?

Q&A is a rubbish show though.

Just proof of how much dead wood from the ABC board Kevin Rudd has yet to trim I think.
Wah (Thursday 26 June 2008, 11:28 am) #

Tim Blair fucks his puppeh because Andrew Bolt won’t suck him off.
Chuck A. Spear (Thursday 26 June 2008, 12:02 pm) #

Mmm… Those whale burgers look delicious, John.
Krypto (Thursday 26 June 2008, 12:04 pm) #

I’ll take a Blair-burger, with a large fries thanks.
Jeremy (Thursday 26 June 2008, 12:16 pm) #

Chris - that’s because it’s an ancient photograph and he doesn’t to advertise what he currently looks like. Of course, going on television tonight could conceivably unravel that plan.

Ed - that’s an outrageously defamatory suggestion, that Tim could have such questionable judgment as to support GroupThink FC. The lowest blow yet.
Ross Sharp (Thursday 26 June 2008, 12:40 pm) #

He describes his columns … as about 3 inches of type in Arial font with lots of italics and the occasional capital letter.

Blair recently celebrated World Environment Day by fucking a puppy, bashing its head in, and then dumping its mutilated, bloody carcass in a water tank in a remote Aboriginal community.

Blair supports Bill Henson and would like to buy some outtakes. Please? Pretty please? Awwwww, come on …
The Editor (Thursday 26 June 2008, 12:43 pm) #

Some great stuff here, guys, but I’m not too sure about all this various Blair + animal stuff. Let’s keep it clean.
Bron (Thursday 26 June 2008, 12:50 pm) #

He describes his columns…as a waste of space.

Blair recently celebrated World Environment Day by reading a Tim Flannery book and donating money to Greenpeace.

Blair supports the Australian Greens.
keri (Thursday 26 June 2008, 12:56 pm) #

Who started this animal fixation anyway?
Chuck A. Spear (Thursday 26 June 2008, 12:56 pm) #

Regular GrodsCorp reader

I’m surprised that Tim reads this Internet dump.
Ross Sharp (Thursday 26 June 2008, 1:11 pm) #

Let’s keep it clean.

Oh, alright.

“Blair recently celebrated World Environment Day by taking his much loved 30 year collection of his own fecal matter and smearing it all over the surgical equipment at his local public hospital.”

Better?
Wah (Thursday 26 June 2008, 2:13 pm) #

Tim Blair celebrated Earth Day by turning the lights out on his soul.
cosmicjester (Thursday 26 June 2008, 2:44 pm) #

Tim Blair is the Australian head of the Flat Earth Society, blames Al Gore for the holocaust and is an advocate of the teaching of Intelligent Design.
Ant Rogenous (Thursday 26 June 2008, 2:47 pm) #

He describes his columns as: a prolonged exercise in journalistic self-flagellation, through which he hopes eventually to expunge the demons of his shameful left-of-Bolta past.

Blair recently celebrated World Environment Day by: reading the latest Ann Coulter book in bed, to guarantee an increase in his nocturnal emissions.

Blair supports: the primary-school class clown’s comedic device of yelling “mmm, yum!” every five minutes during an anatomy lesson, to scandalise the girls.
Bron (Thursday 26 June 2008, 3:01 pm) #

Ant winz.
Krypto (Thursday 26 June 2008, 3:04 pm) #

perhaps Blair is the father of Sophie Mirabella’s demon baby
http://alburywodongaonline.wordpress.com/2008/06/26/demon-seed/
Ray Dixon (Thursday 26 June 2008, 3:51 pm) #

Oh, nice sedgway ~~krypto~~ AWOL.
Krypto (Thursday 26 June 2008, 3:57 pm) #

yeah, it’s a dilema, both of my internet personas seem to have a life of their own.
keri (Thursday 26 June 2008, 3:58 pm) #

“yeah, it’s a dilema, both of my internet personas seem to have a life of their own”

They’re one up on you then, Krypto.
Ray Dixon (Thursday 26 June 2008, 3:59 pm) #

AWOL seems more er, (dare I say) conservative than krypto.
EC (Thursday 26 June 2008, 4:08 pm) #

I agree Bron. Ant wins so far, though Wah’s response is kinda poetic.
Krypto (Thursday 26 June 2008, 4:13 pm) #

well I guess I walked into that one Keri, still outragously rude of you though.
No nostril lube for you next time.

Ray, the analogy is a bit like saying Dr Karl is a snappier dresser than Maynard F# Crabbes, neither of my personas could be described as “conservative” I’d have to beat the crap out of myself if they were.
keri (Thursday 26 June 2008, 4:15 pm) #

You’re the one raping my nostrils, Krypto. I don’t know that you can really lecture me on manners.

And with my allergies, lube would not be required.
Bron (Thursday 26 June 2008, 4:16 pm) #

Yes, EC, I like Wah’s response. Perhaps he can win that category, and Ant win the other two categories.

Next, we’ll have them do the bikini parade and judge them before declaring one of them Miss Grods Butch.
Ray Dixon (Thursday 26 June 2008, 4:31 pm) #

Is this Keri/Krypto thing for real? I hope so, I like a good stoush. Go for it guys.
keri (Thursday 26 June 2008, 4:34 pm) #

I think it’s unlikely that if someone had actually raped my nostrils my response would be to mock them on a blog, Ray.
Ray Dixon (Thursday 26 June 2008, 4:58 pm) #

No Keri, but you’d be pretty annoyed I guess. Not to mention “wide-nosed”
keri (Thursday 26 June 2008, 4:59 pm) #

True. Which I’m not.
Krypto (Thursday 26 June 2008, 5:24 pm) #

she was gagging for it….or should I say gagging FROM it.
Ray Dixon (Thursday 26 June 2008, 5:33 pm) #

Krypto, if you’re a “nostril rapist” think about what that suggests about your er, manhood.
Krypto (Thursday 26 June 2008, 7:02 pm) #

yeah it started out as a self depreciating joke that I’d like to bail on now
Bridgit Gread (Thursday 26 June 2008, 7:28 pm) #

Bestiality, Sophie Mirabella and nostril rape… this thread has got it all.
Ray Dixon (Thursday 26 June 2008, 8:58 pm) #

That’d be “self depracating” Krypto, but your choice of “self depreciating” is just as apt.
Krypto (Thursday 26 June 2008, 9:10 pm) #

hey I’m just glad it wasn’t “self defecating”
magic bellybutton (Thursday 26 June 2008, 9:46 pm) #

Well, as of this afternoon, I’m officially over the joke.

I think there is only so much mock outrage I can conjure.
Chuck A. Spear (Thursday 26 June 2008, 10:13 pm) #

I think Blair’s new name should be “trout lips”.
Krypto (Thursday 26 June 2008, 10:21 pm) #

yeah he looks like he’s weathered a bit since his promotional photograph was taken.

Not as ugly as his views though.
John Surname (Thursday 26 June 2008, 10:43 pm) #

FAIL.
John Surname (Thursday 26 June 2008, 10:55 pm) #

FAIL detailed:

I was surprised to see that Tim Blair in real life actually lacks as much substance as Blog Blair. Glib one liners, no real depth. And not once did he make a Fleshlite related quip, despite Tony giving him many opportunities.
Bron (Thursday 26 June 2008, 11:38 pm) #

And notice how he never looked at the audience when talking, but at Tony Jones? Hmmm.
Chuck A. Spear (Thursday 26 June 2008, 11:55 pm) #

I thought Shorten was hopeless until he hit his stride with the Qantas engineer pay dispute.
Mikey (Friday 27 June 2008, 12:28 am) #

Are you out $70?
Bruce (Friday 27 June 2008, 12:50 am) #

He describes his columns as: mostly Ionic, supporting Western cultural structures of significance, but some times Doric, for those times when an simple, old school post is required. Western triumphalism at is most regressive while at the same time polished.

Blair recently celebrated World Environment Day by: getting together with his fellow soldiers in the culture wars and erecting a banner of the Murdoch family crest on a hill overlooking a burning field full of the remains of defeated eco-NAZIs.

Blair supports: breasts of all cup sizes, but only in a limited range of activities, such as shopping and cooking barefoot in the kitchen. Anything more bouncy, like running, catching a ball or tackling will require a jock strap.
Deke (Friday 27 June 2008, 4:03 am) #

He describes his columns, as “lovingly cribbed from Bolt, Steyn and The Big Book of Fat Jokes”.

Blair recently celebrated World Environment Day by, “riding a plastic turkey to Antarctica, which he renamed ‘Non Melty Town’. The whirlwind tour was not without controversy - a scientist was termed “Glasses Boy”, and Blair claims to have deliberately pushed a polar bear down a flight of stairs.”

Blair “supports a ridiculous blacmonge called Michael Moore, and has been heard to boast that he is the Right-wing Michael Moore. This is a very apt parallel, save that Moore is quite successful”.
Montague "Pitty-Pat" Smythe-JeJones (Friday 27 June 2008, 4:10 am) #

He describes his columns as: The literary equivalent of talcum powder cut with baby laxative that his ignorant drug addled readership demand.

Blair recently celebrated World Environment Day by: Turning all the lights on in his home and defiantly shaking his wang, which Blair himself describes as “pathetic”, at a life sized effigy of Al Gore.

Blair supports: His habit by working as a male prostitute for a clientele composed exclusively of latte sipping inner city multicultural lefty eco-nazi islamo-fascist prius driving group-thinking types.
EC (Friday 27 June 2008, 5:45 am) #

Deke wins now.