GrodsCorp

Department store paranoia

Friday 4 July 2008, 12:36 pm

The Editor

Categories: Corporate stupidity

Tags: Kmart, SecurityCameras

So I was in Kmart the other day browsing the kitchen section when an announcement interrupted the muzak.

“Security check cameras in kitchen.”

I know that it is the department stores’ strategy to deter shoplifting by making these announcements at random to have you think there’s a basement security bunker containing dozens of CCTV security screens monitored by a team of brick shithouse security guards, when it’s more like one tiny black-and-white screen in the corner of the staff rec room monitored by passing minimum wage plebs, but I did make an extra effort to look non-shifty.

After I found the utensil I was after I headed to electronics for an AV cable. An announcement interrupted the muzak.

“Security check cameras in electronics.”

“Fucken hell,” I thought, before writing it off as coincidence. I quickly selected my cable and headed to the hardware section for a new plug for the sink. I had hardly begun comparing two different brands of plug when…

“Security check cameras in hardware.”

After I panicked and raced, sweating, to the checkout, paid for my stuff, and ran away from the store, checking over my shoulders periodically, I decided there must’ve been a very bored teenager with a security monitor and a microphone who decided to have a bit of fun. Either that or I’m terribly paranoid.

30 Comments

Bron (Friday 4 July 2008, 12:42 pm) #

OK, dude, don’t bogart that joint. Pass it over.
Bron (Friday 4 July 2008, 1:08 pm) #

Hmm, Ed. No one is replying to your quandary. Are they just being polite, do you think?
The Editor (Friday 4 July 2008, 1:10 pm) #

Maybe they’re taking it too seriously. I didn’t really get paranoid. It was kinda funny.
Ant Rogenous (Friday 4 July 2008, 1:14 pm) #

Ed, you really need to wear pants when you’re shopping.
magic bellybutton (Friday 4 July 2008, 1:18 pm) #

Hmm, Ed. No one is replying to your quandary. Are they just being polite, do you think?

We will, as soon as we recover from the laughter and get off the floor.
The Editor (Friday 4 July 2008, 1:20 pm) #

Don’t judge me!!!!1!
magic bellybutton (Friday 4 July 2008, 1:28 pm) #

Oh please. I’m the one who’s convinced Blogger is out to get her. I’m hardly one to judge. It doesn’t mean I can’t guffaw at your expense.
Ray Dixon (Friday 4 July 2008, 1:39 pm) #

Ganja?
The Editor (Friday 4 July 2008, 1:40 pm) #

I looked for it in the garden section, Ray, but couldn’t find any.
Bridgit Gread (Friday 4 July 2008, 1:42 pm) #

Either that or I’m terribly paranoid.

Or John Surname is moonlighting as a security guard at Kmart.
John Surname (Friday 4 July 2008, 2:11 pm) #

I would have had him escorted away for questioning.
Wah (Friday 4 July 2008, 2:15 pm) #

Could have been them socks you stuffed down your pants that aroused suspicion (instead of the ladies)?
The Editor (Friday 4 July 2008, 2:17 pm) #

I’ve never aroused a lady no matter how hard I’ve tried. And God knows I’ve tried.
Bron (Friday 4 July 2008, 2:28 pm) #

Loser.
The Editor (Friday 4 July 2008, 2:29 pm) #

Can’t argue with that.
Bron (Friday 4 July 2008, 2:31 pm) #

Wow, I thought you were going to give me a “first warning”.
EC (Friday 4 July 2008, 3:41 pm) #

Will it ever be 5pm?

Someone warn me. I’m so bored.

Confession time Grodsters. Have you ever shoplifted?

I have, I thought it was supercool back when I was a young anarchist goth. Plus with the goth thing you need a lot of makeup.
Bron (Friday 4 July 2008, 4:07 pm) #

Yes, I have. Chewing gum. But I figured it was OK, since it was my parent’s shop that they owned for a while there. I was five. And mum caught me. Cured me from embarking on a life of crime.
The Editor (Friday 4 July 2008, 4:07 pm) #

Going around begging for warnings is soooo sad, EC. First warning.

Shoplifting? No, I’m afraid. No street cred for me.
Bron (Friday 4 July 2008, 4:08 pm) #

How come she gets a first warning and I don’t?!
EC (Friday 4 July 2008, 4:11 pm) #

Yeah I know Ed, thanks for the momentary distraction though.

Bron you rebel.
EC (Friday 4 July 2008, 4:12 pm) #

I think I sounded more desperate Bron.
keri (Friday 4 July 2008, 4:15 pm) #

I shoplifted in my younger days. Much, much younger days. But I was cured of it once and for all from a very kind, understanding shop owner who scared the shit out of me and then explained why he was doing it.

Never did it again, never will.
Krypto (Friday 4 July 2008, 7:25 pm) #

well the clincher would be to stuff the most expensive item you can find down your dacks and walk out, you’ll find out then if they were watching you or not…right?
Ray Dixon (Saturday 5 July 2008, 12:38 am) #

We’ve only got one hardware store in Bright (and if you read the Herald Sun last Wednesday you’d be surprised to learn it’s still open!) and they employ about 6 blokes who spend most of the time behind the counter next to a wood fire.

They have a timber yard which is basically self-serve and relies on the ‘honour system’ in that you get your own sticks, walk into the store and tell ‘em what you picked up and then one of the guys puts down his coffee mug and takes your money.

Not surprisingly they were getting a fair few ‘drive offs’ so, in order to prevent this, what do they do? Do they say to one of the six guys doing nothing, “you go out and manage the timber yard”? Uh, uh, they put in a CCTV, with the monitor positioned right next to the wood fire behind the counter.

And not one of the six bother to look at it, let alone get on the microphone and say, “security check timber yard”.

I’ve got a lot of cheap timber but it’s not shoplifting … it’s all been an honest mistake.
Bridgit Gread (Saturday 5 July 2008, 12:54 am) #

My view is that if businesses want to employ people that lazy and/or incompetent, they deserve to have stuff knocked off hand-over-fist.

I must pick up some MDF while in Bright…
Ray Dixon (Saturday 5 July 2008, 2:01 am) #

What’s MDF? We ain’t neva heerd of that fancy stuff up here!
Krypto (Saturday 5 July 2008, 2:55 pm) #

MDF? it’s a bit like weet-bix only harder to digest.
Funny you should mention that Ray, I was thinking I’d knock up a hallway table, it’s an odd size so I was either going to have to get it custom made or throw it together myself.

They don’t have any decent un-treated pine board and maybe some posts at all do they?
Ray Dixon (Saturday 5 July 2008, 10:14 pm) #

Krypto, just go to Crispy’s in Bright and rummage through the stockpile, you’re bound to find something they didn’t even know they had. Don’t forget to go inside and pay for it, although if you drive off without paying no one will know.
Krypto (Sunday 6 July 2008, 2:14 pm) #

conceivably one could light a fire with equal impunity I guess.

Something to think about if you are having a slow day I guess.