GrodsCorp

When a mummy and daddy love each other very much…

Sunday 20 July 2008, 11:12 am

Ant Rogenous

Categories: Life

Tags: balloon, beans, bullies, doodle, fanny, SexEducation, spoof, stiffy

Sex education has been in the news a bit lately, and it’s reminded me of my own education at the hands of a neighbourhood bully when I was a nipper.

One day, when I was about 10, one of the bigger kids in my street took a rare afternoon off beating me to terrorise me with what he’d obviously just learned about the birds and the bees.

He explained that a man inserts his stiffy into a woman’s fanny — which widens somehow to accommodate it — and moves it around for a while until some “spoof” comes out. This, in turn, leads to pregnancy — unless the woman is taking pills or the man has a kind of balloon over his doodle.

I was familiar enough with doodles, fannies and balloons, but couldn’t imagine what spoof was. When I asked him to explain, he said it was thick and chunky, and that it had “beans” in it.

This only confused me more, since I could only imagine beans to be of the Heinz variety. But I didn’t want to push my luck, so I indicated my understanding and took my leave of him.

A few weeks later, I noticed a teenager at a bus stop doing that revolting thing where you spit on the ground, then spit again — and again — seeing how big a puddle you can make. Once the bus had arrived and he’d left, I went over to inspect his spit puddle — which, I had to admit, was a pretty impressive size.

When I got there, I was shocked to find that it was unusually thick. And it had what looked like chunks in it — possibly half-digested food.

“Oh man,” I said to myself. “That bloke just spoofed everywhere!”

The next time I ran into the bully, I told him what I’d seen. He beat the shit out of me.

13 Comments

The Editor (Sunday 20 July 2008, 12:31 pm) #

Post of the fucking year, Ant. Laughter tears rolled down my cheeks.
Bridgit Gread (Sunday 20 July 2008, 12:42 pm) #

And some want to supplant this invaluable suburban learning-curve with sex-ed in the classroom … the fools.
Bron (Sunday 20 July 2008, 12:44 pm) #

What the Editor said.

Best post ever.
EC (Sunday 20 July 2008, 12:50 pm) #

Beans!?!? That’s hysterical.

The things you believe when you’re a kid. My older brother convinced me that Tom Jones had a penis so long he had to wrap it snake-like around his leg before putting on his trousers.

I’d see Tom Jones on the teev and stare at his thighs trying to spot the snake bulge.
Wah (Sunday 20 July 2008, 2:38 pm) #

I remember being told white stuff comes out of your dick - with little more information to go with I pictured powder coming out of the base of the penis.
I’m still waiting.
Jason (Sunday 20 July 2008, 3:41 pm) #

Instant classic, Ant, and instantly recognisable as a tale of everysuburb.
Tobias Ziegler (Sunday 20 July 2008, 5:50 pm) #

What is it with teh Left and spoof?
Jeremy (Sunday 20 July 2008, 6:32 pm) #

Didn’t I hear that sex-ed classes in schools nowadays are called “Family Life”?

WTF?
Terry Wright (Monday 21 July 2008, 8:54 pm) #

Beans… spoof … fucking classic!

Yes, post of the year.
Prophet (Tuesday 22 July 2008, 11:54 am) #

This post needs its own picture in the sidebar, with golden ribbons around it and a big-ass .gif neon displaying “POST OF THE YEAR”.

My side hurts….
John Surname (Wednesday 23 July 2008, 5:43 pm) #

The acclaim this post has received has given Ant a big head.

Yes, that’s right.
Ant Rogenous (Wednesday 23 July 2008, 7:56 pm) #

A big head? A big head!?

Do you know who you’re talking to, Surname? Do you have any idea who I am?*

By the powers, I’ll make sure you never blog in this town again!

* George Athanasi
Bron (Wednesday 23 July 2008, 8:49 pm) #

Never ‘eard of ‘im.