grodscorp@grods.comIn space no-one can hear you whack
 | Posted by Scott on Wednesday 20 August 2008, 3:39 pm Categories: Weird shit Tags: cosmonauts, masturbation, SpaceTravel |
I’m not going to lie to you — I’ve always wondered about the etiquette and mechanics of whacking off in space. I mean, you’re on the International Space Station for a few months at a time with no social interaction (besides from workmates), so surely you’d get the urge to release a little pressure now and again. I’ve long been curious about whether you’d get the privacy and time to do it, and how the actual act would work. Don’t even mention clean up. (Unless, of course, you took your Fleshlight, although that might be vetoed by mission control due to weight.)
I need wonder no more.
And no matter how stressed anyone gets, [cosmonauts] can’t even enjoy a little release by manipulating their own joystick: One of the effects of weightlessness is reduced blood flow to the lower half of your body. The rumor in Star City is that many have tried in vain to get it up out there. “There vas top-secret program of this,” Driga says. “But the man could not perform. Viagra vill not help.”
For some reason I feel a little more complete as a human now that I’m armed with this knowledge.
Wednesday 20 August 2008, 3:50 pm #Tobias Ziegler
Upon reading GrodsCorp’s latest, Ernest Borgnine abandoned his quest to become the oldest man in space.
Wednesday 20 August 2008, 4:16 pm #Bron
What about the ladeez indulging in a little hanky-panky in space, I wonder. Of course, it’d have to be self-love if the men are useless up there.
Wednesday 20 August 2008, 5:26 pm #Jeremy
You never know, Bron - maybe it doesn’t work for female cosmonauts either. Obviously Wired can’t be expected to wonder about a trivial detail like that, so we don’t know.
Wednesday 20 August 2008, 5:39 pm #magic bellybutton
Yes, we are mere women you know and therefore don’t actually enjoy sex n stuff.
Wednesday 20 August 2008, 11:05 pm #Wah
I bet I can do it.
Thursday 21 August 2008, 12:07 am #Bridgit Gread
Just curious… if there’s less blood flow and, erm, less activity downstairs, what happens to a cosmonauts balls after a six month stint in the ISS?
Thursday 21 August 2008, 12:15 am #Wah
Maybe that’s why you see them having to be carried from the capsule after they land.
I wonder what their first gravity assisted money shot would be like after six months in space.
Thursday 21 August 2008, 8:43 am #keri
Somthing akin to the gonad regression you see in hamsters during hibernation, Bridgit.
Thursday 21 August 2008, 12:26 pm #skeptic
So that final scene in Moonraker is inaccurate?!
Thursday 21 August 2008, 9:34 pm #David
Damn! There go my dreams of wild, abandoned, 20-year-old-at-it-like-rabbits sex in freefall.
Damn you to hell, Wired Magazine!
Friday 22 August 2008, 12:32 am #Bridgit Gread
Somthing akin to the gonad regression you see in hamsters during hibernation, Bridgit.
You know, at times people speak of things of which you have no knowledge whatsoever - and yet you are quite happy about it. This is one of those times.
Friday 22 August 2008, 9:35 am #keri
I know, Bridgit. Before I knew it, I was happy as well.
Now, my life is a shadow of what it was. All because of the Gonads of Cosmonauts.