I’m not going to lie to you — I’ve always wondered about the etiquette and mechanics of whacking off in space. I mean, you’re on the International Space Station for a few months at a time with no social interaction (besides from workmates), so surely you’d get the urge to release a little pressure now and again. I’ve long been curious about whether you’d get the privacy and time to do it, and how the actual act would work. Don’t even mention clean up. (Unless, of course, you took your Fleshlight, although that might be vetoed by mission control due to weight.)

I need wonder no more.

And no matter how stressed anyone gets, [cosmonauts] can’t even enjoy a little release by manipulating their own joystick: One of the effects of weightlessness is reduced blood flow to the lower half of your body. The rumor in Star City is that many have tried in vain to get it up out there. “There vas top-secret program of this,” Driga says. “But the man could not perform. Viagra vill not help.”

For some reason I feel a little more complete as a human now that I’m armed with this knowledge.