This morning I had a dentist appointment. Incidentally, the dentist’s name was Rob and I could see his face.

I don’t mind going to dentist. I’ll take whatever kind of pampering that I can. I don’t understand why some people hate going to the dentists — it’s not that bad. Is it?

Anyway, I had to get some fillings. So, I’m lying back on the surprisingly comfortable patient’s chair with my head resting on the surprisingly comfortable but noisy plastic pillow, my jaws wide apart as far as they could go with many bits of probing metal sticks and mirrors and whatnot in my mouth.

It was impossible to talk, obviously.

And thus you’d think a dentist would know that, wouldn’t you? You’d think they’d explain all their tools that they’re going to stick in your mouth (I realise some of you might see a rude joke in there) and discuss any possible pain or discomfort, before you’re pretty much voiceless.

Not this dentist. Rob. He tells me these things after I’m rendered literally speechless.”This is a laser light that will super charge water particles in dental tissues… Understand?”

Lying there on my back, mouth gaping wide open, I try to respond that no, I have no fucking idea what he’s on about, but I don’t care, just get those fillings in. As it is impossible to tell him this, I make a gurgled sound like “gnnhk” and slightly nod my head.

“Good. And this red light is the laser, it’s not harmful and won’t hurt your tissue,” he continues. “See the red light?”

Again, I can’t respond vocally, and also I can’t even see what fucking red light he’s talking about, because he had it out of my line of sight, the dopey bastard. I raise my head slightly, look down and peer beyond those ugly black glasses they make you wear and see the red light beaming out of some metal electronic stick he’s holding. I try to answer “Yes, I see it now!” but not only am I still rendered voiceless, I am also unable to convey my sarcasm that was growing rapidly. Again, I just nod slightly and make a noise, “gerrrnk”.

Then he holds up something else and says, in a slightly awed voice, “And this is similar to the traditional dentist drill, except it’s not. That’s why we don’t need to use anaesthetics, as this is groundbreaking laser dentristy work! It’s not radioactive either!”

By then, I’m ready to plead for anaesthetic, just to numb me from my aching jaw, my dry throat and lips, my inability to respond as well as my inability to tell him to get a fucking move on!

Then there’s a knock on the door, and it’s the other dentist, with a small “emergency” on a patient he’s working. Rob apologises, he and his dental nurse withdraw all their objects from my mouth and he rushes off into the other dental room. Gingerly, I close my jaws shut, try to find some saliva from somewhere and lie there, traumatised already with nothing actually being done yet to my teef.

Rob comes back shortly and asks, “Now, want me to go through any of that again?”

You fucking bastard, I thought. Now you ask, when I have the ability to speak. “No, I’m OK. Let’s begin, shall we?” I suggest politely.

And 30 minutes later, I was out of there, with two new fillings, $355 poorer and a newfound pathological hatred for dentists.