grodscorp@grods.comUnto us a Prophet is born…
 | Posted by Bridgit Gread on Wednesday 3 December 2008, 7:03 pm Categories: Blogosphere, Freaks, Weird shit Tags: TingTong, weird |
Way back in old-timey America, young profit prophet Joseph Smith was ferreting about in the bushes looking for yams when he heard a talking vision and found a mysterious golden thingy. And yea, Joseph was told to go forth and start himself up a religion, so he did, a somewhat weird one. But it was all OK because the menfolk - especially Joseph - could copulate with as many young women as they desired. Today, the feats of Joseph Smith have been replicated by John Surname, who has unveiled…
“The Ting-Tong Christmas Epistles”
Hear the Word of the Lord:
“I had my 4th marriage a couple of years ago to a magnificent red-haired creature named Kathryn. She was 47 but looked 35 and was roughly the same size and shape as Elle McPherson.”
“As you may know from the media, up to a third of Australian primary school students were found to be virtually illiterate.”
“Being a slum landlord is not all beer and skittles.”
“Not long after Jill and I split up I met and got involved with Judy Power. She has a generally very slim figure (but takes a DD-cup bra!)”
“Judy is very soft-hearted so when she told me that one of her cats needed $70 spent on it to fix an eye problem I suggested that maybe it was time to trade in the cat on a new cat.”
“My fourth wife Kathryn divorced me during the year, which saved me $500 and a lot of paperwork.”
“Judy and I have started an affair again… She too was a Communist in her youth but now dislikes both Aborigines and the welfare state!
“I suspect that cropped hair is often in fact a sort of anti-man statement.”
“I was jogging along nicely with the shapely and brainy Judy as my girlfriend when TWO former girlfriends (Dorothy and Geraldine) both indicated that they wanted me back… I had an interesting but confusing Christmas season.”
“Jill and I continue to dine together once a week - every Wednesday night. We have had a lot of fun with Shopper Dockets.”
“The best predictor of whether anyone will get a doctorate is whether his/her father has one…”
Praise be upon you, Surname, for delivering unto us this Internet GOLD.
Wednesday 3 December 2008, 7:08 pm #Scott
John Surname: peace be upon him.
Wednesday 3 December 2008, 7:12 pm #THR
There are enough nuggets of gold here for somebody to make a Ting Tong advent calender.
Wednesday 3 December 2008, 7:14 pm #Bron
You have got to be joking.
Un-fucking-believable!
Wednesday 3 December 2008, 7:32 pm #Jason
Can I suggest an advent calendar, where each day brings a key quote from the Gospel according to John (Ray)
Wednesday 3 December 2008, 8:25 pm #Toaf
Fucking unreal.
I reckon TT should open a cafepress account and put some of those gems onto mugs and t-shirts.
Imagine having a coffee mug on your desk that says, “I suspect that cropped hair is often in fact a sort of anti-man statement.”
Wednesday 3 December 2008, 8:26 pm #Reuben
Oh my sides…
Wednesday 3 December 2008, 9:07 pm #confessions
what is it with teh right and bragging about appeal to opposite sex? i have one word to say to dr yap yap: bullshit!
Wednesday 3 December 2008, 10:49 pm #JT
Gold!!!
Thursday 4 December 2008, 12:30 am #Chuck
I think Greeks are best at running Greek restaurants.
This shit is the best shit ever. Thank fuck Ting Tong discovered blogging in 2002…
I am going to be much briefer with my life-update this year because this year I have discovered blogging! The definition of a blog: A personal website that is upgraded approximately daily — an online diary, in other words. Some blogs (short for “weblog”) are diaries of what is happening in the writer’s life and some are diaries of what the person has been thinking. Mine is in the latter category. So my Xmas email this year has a very large supplement at: http://jonjayray.blogspot.com.
Thankyou Surname and Bridgit.
Thursday 4 December 2008, 12:39 am #Zombie Mao
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
*breath*
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Thursday 4 December 2008, 12:50 am #John Surname
It’s great that he subscribes to Bart Simpson’s theory that we need “More asbestos!”
“It was cheap because its walls are made of fibro and anything with asbestos in it is mega politically incorrect these days, even though nobody even claims that fibro has ever hurt anyone.”
Thursday 4 December 2008, 1:30 am #John Surname
Greeks may be able to cook Greek food, but they can’t cook anything else:
“It is a pity that The Clansmen was taken over about a year ago by a Greek, however.”
John’s girlfriend speaks:
“Apparently her friend asked her about me and asked was I “nice”. Judy replied: “No, he’s not nice at all. He’s quite arrogant in fact.”
Not like me at all!
Thursday 4 December 2008, 9:43 am #Bron
He seems to go through many wives and girlfriends. Obviously his relationship skills leave a lot to be desired.
What I don’t get is how does he get all these chicks in the first place?
Thursday 4 December 2008, 10:08 am #John Surname
If you’re a single woman in your late fifties there ain’t a lot of choice.
Thursday 4 December 2008, 10:31 am #Jason
By the way - the “Clansman” is/was… a fine Scottish restaurant.
Thursday 4 December 2008, 10:48 am #Bron
If you’re a single woman in your late fifties there ain’t a lot of choice.
Good thing I’m a single woman in my early thirties then. Choices, choices, choices.
Thursday 4 December 2008, 10:51 am #Idlaviv
On his first date, Ting Tong covers his bung head with copies of his clayton’s degrees.
Thursday 4 December 2008, 10:56 am #Jason
God you made me go to the website, which I try my best to avoid. A question: does this passage usefully define “non-sequitir”?
As Charles Murray and others have shown long ago, poorer people tend to have lower IQs. So that alone will mean that fewer get to university — and there’s not much you can do about it. My parents were poor and I paid my own way through university, when there was a lot less help available than there is now.
Thursday 4 December 2008, 11:17 am #Bron
That’ll explain his low IQ.
Thursday 4 December 2008, 11:21 am #John Surname
Put him on an island with some cannibals and see how he fares - intelligence can be eaten.
Thursday 4 December 2008, 12:09 pm #Taztigger
Given these are the highlights of Ting Tong year, it’s a pretty sad life. 12 hrs a day fighting against amorphous Leftist world domination, working up the steam for self-righteous sprays, shaking fists at those noisy kids on the street, trying hard not to fade into the past.
Surprised The Clansman is/was a Scottish restaurant. (Let alone “fine” - e.g. porridge sufficiently cold and salty, portions measly, Scotch flows freely.) Thought Clansman would specialize in Southern Fried chicken, grits, Hot Cross buns and BBQ.
Thursday 4 December 2008, 12:28 pm #Jason
taztigger - it is surprising, but no it is a Fine Scottish Restaurant. Steaks, highland specialties (Haggis) and whisky. No leftist multicultural Thai muck. Honest British fare.
Thursday 4 December 2008, 12:47 pm #Chuck
I still can’t stop laughing at this patriotic comraidees.
Elle McPherson… FUCKEN WHAT!@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thursday 4 December 2008, 4:59 pm #jimmy
Oh my GOD. That is seriously one of the funniest things I’ve read in christ knows how long. I’m sitting in a computer lab at uni biting my nails trying not to laugh, get to the “shopper docket” one, and absolutely lose my shit. god bless you, every one.
Friday 5 December 2008, 9:03 pm #daddy dave
haven’t you people got anything better to do with your time?
Saturday 6 December 2008, 12:26 am #THR
Not only was hitler a lefty, he also wasn’t racist. Read the latest in Wikitingtong:
http://awesternheart.blogspot.com/2008/12/was-hitler-racist.html
Saturday 6 December 2008, 1:16 am #Zombie Mao
of course Hitler wasn’t racist.
He just hated Jews, Blacks, Asians, swarthy Mediterranean types, gypsys, homosexuals, Russians, people with disabilities, communists, socialists, libertarians, Christian democrats… and anchovies.
Saturday 6 December 2008, 11:13 am #Bridgit Gread
haven’t you people got anything better to do with your time?
And are you seriously suggesting that this stuff isn’t hilarious?