News just in, we’re all going to die:

Today (Tuesday) will be the start of five days of unrelenting scorchers [in Victoria] with temperatures soaring to the 40s. The heatwave will arrive today with an expected maximum of 38 degrees, 41 on Wednesday and 40 on Thursday, Friday and Saturday.

The last time Melbourne had a heatwave of this intensity was a century ago when it suffered through five days of stultifying heat with temperatures in the 40s in January 1908.

Of course this proves that globule warmening really exists!!!1! And that Melbourne is teh Leftist capital of Australia and is being punished by Satan. And that Aurora’s blog was, in its last throes, spot on. And that all the smart people live in Queensland or Tasmania. And that we shoulda built more dams.

I hate the heat like a leftist hates meat cars, Holden pies and all other Australian icons. So I won’t be going down to Williamstown beach to compete with 10,000 zinced-up lunatics for a square yard of sand on which to lay my Australian flag beach towel.  Nor will I wander aimlessly at the tennis, hoping to get a look at a big name player but instead having to settle for court 18, where some unknown Belorussian is playing in the singles for girls under-18 with one arm. I could seek refuge by wandering the refrigerated maelstrom of Highpoint or Melbourne Central – but so will a million bogans without artificial cooling. 

No, looks like I’ll be spending my last three days of holidays inside our shuttered house, while my air-conditioner spews tonnes of non-offset carbons into the atmosphere - and I sip homemade lemonade and read good books, interspersed with the occasional blog comment. I don’t intend casting eyes upon the sun until Sunday.