Spend any decent amount of time in a primary school and you will inevitably hear students angrily accuse each other of bullying over the slightest altercation in the classroom or playground. These kids are responding to the very necessary anti-bullying education programs that run in schools, but unfortunately they’re missing the point. Bullying is a sustained campaign of physical or emotional intimidation, whereas an isolated incident of teasing or physical violence, while being equally unacceptable, is not actually bullying.

A parallel could be drawn with wider society, where people in private and public discourse tend to be extremely quick to slap the label “racist” on anyone who says something that is remotely connected to race, in the process watering down the concept of racism until it is almost meaningless.

In the past fortnight there have been two big news stories that got everyone talking about racism. Last week the ex-CEO of Telstra, Sol Trujillo, took a parting shot at the whole of Australia, calling it a racist and backward country based on his perceived treatment at the hands of the media during his time working here. A few days before that the nation stopped to debate the YouTube antics of chk-chk BOOM girl, Clare Werbeloff, with some wondering if her “woggy” rant was racist.

But just like kids at school throwing around premature accusations of bullying, are we calling racism where there is none? Are we confusing racism with racial stereotyping, and even if we are, is stereotyping okay while the other one is off-limits?

Racism is the belief that a given race of people possesses inherent qualities, usually negative, while racial stereotyping is the assertion that one member of a race automatically possesses the stereotypical traits commonly attributed to it. Problem is, racism and stereotyping often look very similar — there are definite cross-overs between the two — but it’s generally held that racism is bad and stereotyping is okay, as long as the latter is done for a laugh. It’s funny to say that all New Zealanders shag sheep, that all Germans are ruthlessly efficient, that all Aborigines sniff petrol.

Oh, dear! As has just been demonstrated, when the laughter stops, the racism tends to start. But is it possible to say something like that last phrase in that last paragraph and be guilty not of racism but of simply making a terrible, terrible joke in the worst possible taste? It’s conceivable that a person might say something like that and honestly hold no racist beliefs about Aboriginal people, but it’s also conceivable (and more likely) that a person who says something like that does hold racist beliefs about Aboriginal people.

Often it comes down to the tone of the comment. If the “joke” is made without malice then it’s unlikely to have been spawned by racism, but if the “joke” is delivered with derogatory intent then a charge of racism is more likely to be accurate.

But even then it’s not so simple.

Clare “chk-chk BOOM” Werbeloff may have been implying that all “wogs” speak like Pauly from Fat Pizza, sleep with each others’ cousins, and settle disputes with violence, but is she racist? Probably not. Does cartoonist Mark Knight (one of the key Trujillo antagonists) think that all Mexicans are lazy, slightly stupid, and bumbling like the Three Amigos? Probably not. But both Clare and Mark thought that their stereotypes were funny, and a majority of people thought so too.

And it was the humour defence that was trotted out by so many commentators in response to Sol Trujillo’s claim of Australian racism. Get a sense of humour, he was told by opinion columnists, cartoonists and ex-Treasurers who are definitely not interested in leading the parliamentary Liberal Party. He was told to lighten up and chill out, which should be easy for a man who’s just pocketed a cool $30 million for screwing a telco. Leading us to the second defence against his racism call: Sol deserved it.

But as Eddie McGuire said in his excellent Herald Sun column, “Maybe everyone was a little sensitive this week in banging on about Sol’s sensitivities … the protest has been bordering on nervous justification by some … A bit like what we all feel when we realise we might have held on to a joke a bit too long and that serious people have stopped laughing.”

Indeed.

Who are we to tell Sol, or anyone, that they shouldn’t be offended by a joke? What if Trujillo genuinely was offended by the Mexican jibes? Who are we to tell all “wogs” that they shouldn’t be offended by the word because it’s lost the derogatory undertones and is now all affectionate and cuddly? What if some “wogs” are still genuinely offended by the term?

Appealing to a critical mass of people who think a racial stereotype is funny, and ignoring the people who are offended, certainly does open one up to accusations of racism. While it’s still probably not racism the insensitivity required to mindlessly defend one’s stereotype simply reinforces it, and may lead some people to hold the stereotype to be true and begin to think racist thoughts. It would be easy to understand how an outsider could negatively interpret the pack mentality on display in response to Trujillo’s accusation of racism.

It’s just a simple fact that there are not now, and will never be, any uniform guidelines about what is offensive and what isn’t — offense is determined by the unique set of beliefs and standards held by each individual person. There are certainly broad community standards that hold true, such as those about the acceptability or otherwise of the sheep shagging and petrol sniffing examples above, but even those broad standards are dynamic and volatile.

Maybe everyone does need to do what Peter Costello suggested and chill out a bit, but at the same time be mindful and respectful about a wide variety of different opinions. Perhaps those making racial stereotype jokes should be aware that some people may be offended and respect those people’s feelings, and perhaps those on the receiving end of racial stereotype jokes should be open to the possibility that they are being made in good humour and be a little less cavalier with the racist tag.