She really was an ugly smelly hag
The manager handed her a shopping bag
Her retort was but I have plenty of these
The manger said but this one goes down to the knees

You are scaring the customers and smell like shit
Go and stand out in the rain for a bit
She ran outside and stood near the door
a customer said look her tits touch the floor

So if you decide to ever go shopping in Bright
And you don’t want to have a dreadful fright

Go shopping in Perth.

I really don’t know where to start
but I definitely know you’ve captured my heart,
It started that night you called me up,
to see if I’d play in the Starlight Cup…
It wasn’t’til late in 2004
That I received another phone call
When we decided to meet,
we went up the street for something to eat

Sound, sound the clarion; fill the fife
Throughout the sensual world proclaim
One kilogram of long-grain rice
Costs much less if you buy no-name.

Alas for you my cucumber belongs to another
But in Bright they say sex is good with your brother

I know thy thinks he is king of the banana bunch
But as usual his humour and wit is out to lunch

I Am sick of this false world and love it nought
It is the Big W truffles I should have bought

The middle of humanity thou never never knewest
Even the black and gold peas make me speweth

These promises are fair the parties sure
Black and gold groceries I’ll leave to the poor

And not in fear of your navivity
never fear the artist creativity

We may boldly spend upon the hope of what
I’ll buy me some black and gold tampons for a smelly twat

Home Brand Cornflakes

They are rather light compared
To other cornflakes I have shared

And as I dip into my bowl
I let out just one more growl

For these cornflakes go soggy quick
They are too thin and not as thick

They are not my favourite brand of flake
But mother insisted on this make

Next time I’ll go shopping too
And buy my favourite brand whoo-hoo

KELLOGGS!!!!!

Coles Home Brand Toilet paper
OOh……………………..

Its 1 ply…. meaning “very thin”
It sticks upon a person’s skin

And when you go to wipe your bum
The poo is on your fingers…some

As 1 ply does not pick up much
Usually I reach for such

More toilet paper as I can hold
And use twice as much but do not fold

As neatness isn’t what I need
Its lots of paper to complete the deed

How dour!
Its name is Coles Home Brand Flour

Its paper covering cracketh
Upon the floor it smacketh

Its whitened powder strewn about
Slippery, dusty, without a doubt

Until employee came in hand
With another product of Coles brand

And swept away the ruined stock
Replacing it with another box

There’s a poem there too Bruce. Or perhaps a Coldplay song.

a picture speaks a thousand words…

words fail….

*ducks and runs away*

surely that’s the winner?

There is no item less “spectacular” than Coles home brand kitchen tidy liners:

“Plastic bags are just so fantastic,
they make the rubbish so less spastic.”

(Brevity sells!)

Wah, Sick Bastard

Hate us, the Leftists, us stay-at-home dads
So I a Noddy car built me at my pad
And shopping me it took, with me lad
But I the dairy aisle me made mad
Rather me be happy, I glad
UHT milk, that some which I once had
The sight of me which it made sad
Not it is impossible to drink this stuff bad
But burnt and very processed bad

Oh! I have parked the car in clustered asphalt bays
And danced the aisles with wonky mindless carts;
Clockwise I’ve trundled, and joined the deli queue
for salmon patties — and bought a hundred things
You have not dreamed of—wheeled and grabbed and flung
Low in the flourescent cavern. Wheeling there,
I’ve chased the haughty discounts along, and flung
My stubborn craft through countless rows of cheese….
Up, up the long, delirious cereal aisle
I’ve grabbed the lofty boxes with easy grace
Where ne’er child nor midget reached—
And, while with vacant banal stare I’ve trod
The low linoleum of surbuban space
Grabbed some Libra Fleur, and touched the face of Grods.