John Howard today announced that under legislation to be introduced to parliament next year immigrants desiring citizenship will need to pass a multiple choice quiz on Australian history, culture, values and government. It’s not about exclusion, though: “This is about cohesion and integration,” said John, “it’s not about discrimination and exclusion.” Fair enough.

But the Man Of Steel has a point. Aussie values, unique to this country, are far superior to every other country’s values. And not only that, every single Australian acts in line with those values every single day. To prove this claim let’s assess our federal politicians against the Aussie values they have insisted that our schools drill into kiddies and have kindly printed on this lovely poster for our convenience.

Fair Go
Here in Oz we believe that all Aussies should be given what we call a fair go. That is, we think that all of us should be treated fairly regardless of circumstance. If, hypothetically, an Aussie was locked in solitary confinement in a foreign country without having been charged or tried five years after his arrest then a real Aussie would ensure that he got a fair go. It would be unAustralian to turn a blind eye and respond to allegations of sleep deprivation by dismissing it as merely coercion.

Responsibility
When an Aussie is in charge of an organisation, company or ministry they take responsibility for any mistakes or failures that occur under their leadership. If, hypothetically, an Aussie was in charge of a department that either had knowledge of or failed to detect massive bribes being paid by Australia’s official wheat exporter to a murderous dictator with whom we were waging war, that Aussie would take responsibility for their department’s wrongdoing. It would be totally unAustralian to say that one couldn’t recall receiving any advice and terribly unAustralian to take glee in being ignorant.

Care and Compassion
Aussies are a caring and compassionate lot. When an Aussie is down on their luck and needing a bit of support other Aussies lend an understanding ear and a helping hand. If, hypothetically, Aussies were unemployed and having trouble finding work that suited their abilities, needs and desires then real Australians wouldn’t call them “job snobs” and impose draconian requirements on their welfare payments. It would be totally unAustralian to throw compassion out of the window and kick a fellow Aussie while they’re down.

Respect
Aussies respect Aussies. We respect other Aussies’ choices about the way they want to lead their lives. If, hypothetically, a group of Aussies who have lived on this land for tens-of-thousands of years choose to live in remote areas and lead communal lives then other Aussies would respect that. It would be totally unAustralian to deny any Aussies essential services just because they make a choice of lifestyle that is different to the mainstream.

Understanding, Tolerance and Inclusion
Aussies are very understanding and tolerant of diversity, and ensure that all other Aussies feel included regardless of their backgrounds. If, hypothetically, an Aussie was a federal politician they would never say anything to try and exclude Aussies of a certain religion from the nation. It would be totally unAustralian to declare that non-Muslim Aussies are aborting Australia out of existence by increasing the proportion of Muslim residents.

Freedom
Aussies believe that all Aussies should have the freedom to act as they desire within the laws of the land. Aussies also believe that Aussies are free to hold any religious belief of their choosing. If, hypothetically, an Aussie was the minister in charge of health he would not let his own religious beliefs get in the way of his lawmaking, potentially restricting the freedom of other Aussies who don’t hold the same beliefs. It would be totally unAustralian to deny legal abortion to Aussie women on the basis of one’s own Catholic faith.

Honesty and Trustworthiness
Aussies always tell it straight and know they can trust what other Aussies say. If, hypothetically, an Aussie was the leader of the nation and told its citizens that a boat load of asylum seekers had thrown their own children into water then Aussies should be able to assume he was being honest. If, hypothetically, the leader of the nation told its citizens that he would never ever impose a certain tax then Aussies should be able to trust him. It would be totally unAustralian for this leader to be a lying, duplicitous rodent.