I would just like to register my shock on behalf of all the people in the United Kingdom who woke up to the news of the death of an Australian icon. Well, I woke up to the news of it in the UK, and then left the UK for Ireland… but here too there is shock and dismay etc. etc.

It was the talk of all the backpackers sleeping on the rows of seats around London’s Heathrow Airport. I couldn’t find anywhere to sit down to drink my latte. (Note to Ed: The temperature of the latte was not correct.)

I was particularly gratified by two things, well, three things.

(1) The speed of response from Hon John Winston Howard in his allying himself to the man who, in his cut and pasted words, “…captured the imagination of Australia and the world through his television appearances as The Crocodile Hunter”

(2) That Steve Irwin’s manager asserts that “…He died doing what he loved best.”

and

(3) That it didn’t take long for the illiterate comedians of the UK to come up with the screen grab below. (Grammatical construction of sentence “as incoming”.)

Crikey.

Rory Storm and the Hurricanes

Larry

I was horrified when I woke up this morning to see the pictures coming out of Queensland of communities devastated by the effects of Cyclone Larry. I asked the same question Bob Geldof did in 1985, “What can I do to make a real change to the lives of those people in the path of the storm?”

Well, I have decided to write and record a pop song with a galaxy of stars, some of whom actually might be Australian.

I was particularly distressed to hear that “…about 30 people have suffered minor injuries.” The sugar industry might never recover from this disaster. On top of that, John Howard has threatened to visit the area in the next few days. Can it get any worse for these people?

Anyway, donations can be sent to me in the form of cash or postal orders, or you can pay using PayPal. (Minimum Donation $3)

An Ambulance, yesterday.

One Australian student and one British student were fighting for life after six volunteers fell seriously ill while taking part in a trial of a new drug.

The men were admitted to the intensive care unit in north-west London, from an independent medical research unit on a hospital campus after reacting badly to the drug, which is to treat chronic inflammatory conditions and leukaemia.

It was reported that one man’s head had swollen up to three times its normal size.

One of the victims was was taken to intensive care three hours after taking the tablets.

His family were told he could not breathe and his head and neck had swollen to three times normal size. A family friend said “He was a healthy young man and he saw the trial advertised on the internet. He is at college and was doing it to make a bit of extra money. He told us he would be paid £2,000 and did not think there would be any problems. His mother got a call to say his head and neck were swelling up and his legs were purple.”

A hospital spokeswoman said that the six remained in intensive care. Two of them are in a “critical condition”, she said, while the other four are “serious but stable”.

Parexel, the clinical research company running the trial, said it had operated within regulatory guidelines and that such adverse reactions to drugs were extremely rare.

GLITTER LINK TO CHILDREN’S TICKETS `TASTELESS’

Lastminute.com breached decency rules by mentioning sex offender Gary Glitter in an advert for children’s theatre tickets, the industry watchdog said today. The online firm’s email advert was likely to cause serious or widespread offence, the Advertising Standards Authority ruled. It showed two young boys’ faces with the title “Doing it for the kids”.

The email stated: “Like Gary Glitter in a sweet shop, you too can have your pick of kiddy treats in London’s theatre world. If you don’t know what to do with your lovely sprogs, get them off the X-Box and into the theatre. These shows will definitely be their cup of Ribena …”

A recipient complained that linking children’s leisure activities with a sex offender was offensive.

The ASA found the online travel and leisure firm’s ad in breach of the advertising code’s decency clause.

Gary Glitter, real name Paul Gadd, was jailed in Vietnam earlier this month for molesting two young girls.
The former glam rocker was given a four-month UK jail sentence in 1999 after being convicted of possessing indecent images of children. He left the country after his release.

After investigating the complaint, the ASA noted that the advert played on “contemporary, tasteless humour” based on Glitter’s UK conviction but added: “We considered the reference to a registered sex offender in conjunction with images of children in an ad for children’s theatre was likely to cause serious or widespread offence.”

Lastminute.com said it had pulled the email and regretted any offence caused.

A spokesman for the website said: “We aim to create advertising which makes us stand out. However, on this occasion we realise that there has been an error in our judgment, and the email was misguided and inappropriate.”

Living in Australia

An appeal has gone out from the good people of the above website to increase the gene pool in Brisbane. There is a demographic CRISIS, and the help of the citizens of this United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland is being sought.

It may interest you to know, that the qualities of the city have been outlined under two main themes.

(1) What’s good about living in Brisbane?

and

(2) What’s not so good* about living in Brisbane?

(*note the positive spin, they say “not so good” when they mean “crap” or “shit-house” to use the Australian vernacular.)

Anyway, I have never ventured to the humid jungles that I imagine exist north of Newcastle, so all I know of Brisbane has been gleaned from these two pages.

Firstly, every person is known as a “Banana Bender.” Now, the image that conjures up in my mind is one of homo-eroticism of an illegal nature which leads me to question my concious sexuality, but no matter, Queensland has spawned such a manly rock band in “Savage Garden” thus proving its hetero credentials.

Apparently, in direct comparison to the people of the United Kingdom, variously described as “unsmiling” and “grim” the “perpetual blue skies help - everything looks better in sunshine.” Well done.

The big draw for me, though, is the ability to live in an air-conditioned house, drive in an air-conditioned car and work in an air-conditioned house. Keep it up, people of Brisbane, and soon the whole world will share your tropical fate.

The man who wrote this is an ex-pat “Jock” who is staggered by the difference in climate and culture to Glasgow by virtue of the fact that (a) the local authorities provide him with a barbecue and (b) local subversives don’t seek to spoil his pleasure through acts of destruction. I am reminded of the well known Scottish band Travis who constantly asked “Why does it always rain on me?” Well, it’s because you live in bloody Scotland, Francis Healy… or maybe you live in Brisbane on wet afternoons three months a year. I don’t know.

The same man then informs me of the down side of this urbane lifestyle. Apparently it gets dark early, and Brisbanian authorities refuse to institute any manner of “daylight saving”. (Something often vehemently opposed by haggis eaters who insist on remaining in the UK. These protests are based upon the perceived increased frequency of road deaths due to early morning pedestrian commutes in a dark Hibernia. I don’t understand the arguments or the science-bit. Just tell me what time it is, what time the pubs open, what time they close and I’ll adjust my wrist-watch.)

I am intrigued, and repulsed, by something called “Ross River Virus” and believed this Ross River to be some sleazy chat-show host on local television in Mackay, bent on destroying the world of the electrical inter-web through some kind of Trojan. But no, worse than that! It is a rash that, according to the Queensland Health Authority, 45% of those infected will develop on their “trunk and limbs.” I imagine this is particularly prevalent to those citizens of “The Smart State” who have chosen to experiment with pro-creation with pachyderms. Serves the perverts right, I’d wager.

The author then bangs on about humidity at some length, which I knew about anyway, before slating television in the State.

So, based upon all that, I have decided that perhaps Brisbane is not the place for me, but for those of you suffering from Joan Rivers Fever, help can be found by downloading this very useful fact sheet.

Enjoy.