When I was travelling around India a few years back, I picked up a beautifully bound and illustrated “gift edition” of the Kama Sutra. Every tourist does it. Seriously. Shut up.

Anyway, if you’re not too familiar with the ancient work, it’s probably not quite what you’d expect. Forget about the infamous 64 sexual positions — that part occupies only 10 of Vatsyayana’s original 36 chapters and, frankly, is about as useful a guide for lovers as Weekend at Bernie’s is for apprentice morticians.
The bulk of the Kama Sutra concerns itself with how one should live one’s life — not just in lurve, but also in general. Practical advice covers a diverse range of topics, from pseudo feng shui right through to convoluted schemes for seducing your mate’s missus.
Now, I can’t vouch for the quality or authenticity of the translation of the book I rediscovered on my bookshelf the other day, inspiring this post — it was published by Roli Books and now appears to be out of print, and my own Sanskrit has been rusty since I stopped speaking it in the 16th century — but if it’s in any way representative of the genuine article, the Kama Sutra is a work of comic genius.
Don’t just take my word for it, though. Here are three of the book’s best passages, quoted verbatim.
1) On general hygiene:
You should bathe daily, rub yourself with oil every other day, use soap every third day and shave every fourth day. You should do all this without fail and rub the sweat of the armpits every now and then.
2) For the laydeez:
The rules for a courtesan to make a quick fortune are simple:
- First check your man out carefully.
- Secondly, make him fall desperately in love with you.
- Then fleece him well.
- When he’s broke, throw him out without remorse.
3) For mah homies (on which women are the easiest to seduce):
Those who stand at the doorways of their houses; who peer out on to the street; one who steals glances at men; one who is jealous, covetous, immoral or barren. Also those who are lazy, cowardly, vulgar, foul smelling, sick or old.
Well, what are you waiting for? Get out there and be the best damn lovers you can be.