So we’ve all pretty much heard about the dopey British backpacker who survived 12 days lost in the Blue Mountains, Jamie Neale, by now, yeah? It’s a wonderful relief that he’s been found, it goes without saying. He’s a very lucky lad.

And that should be the end of that, right? He goes back home to England and recuperates fully and resumes normal life, right?

Oh no. Not at all. Don’t be so fuckin’ naive, Bron, for this is the day and age of instant “celebrity” and round-the-clock, in-your-face media exposure. Timespan of everyone wanting a piece of your arse: usually a week.

Thus I was shitty when I saw the headline on the SMH website, “Jamie Neale stands to make a fortune”.

Shitty because I really need to make an instant fortune and it was him who gets the money and I don’t.

Seriously, though, it’s shitty because everyone is getting fiscally rewarded and instant “celebrity” for mishaps, accidents, and just generally getting caught up in the vicissitudes of life.

Shit happens.

And who the hell are these celebrity agents? The dude’s just come out of the bush after 12 days and is recovering in hospital and he’s already signed up to a celebrity agent? Do celebrity agents hang around hospital corridors waiting for the next “big” story to be wheeled past in a gurney? There is just something sordid about the speed at which Jamie and his dad were snapped up by a “celebrity” agent.

I, for one, won’t be reading or watching any interviews. I know the story, I know what happened, and I know how it ended. I don’t need a complete rehash and deconstruction of The Boy Who Was Lost in the Bush for 12 Days. I’m just glad he’s been found safe and sound. And that’s that.

How is possible that a Michael Jackson impersonator looks stranger than the man himself?

Who is who?

“I believe I am alive today because God saved me for this – to make people happy. I have a message to give, the same as Michael,” he said yesterday.

Yeah, um. Okay.

On Oxford Street getting some lunch just now, I saw this young woman, perhaps in her early 20s, screeching into her mobile phone, highly agitated and very off her rocker on something obviously recently consumed. Something naughty. Walked past (while keeping my head down and avoiding eye contact) and tried not to laugh as she screamed:

NO! I am a fucking CUNT, you fucking CUNT! Don’t FUCKEN interrupt me! I AM A FUCKING MORON, A FUCKING DIPSHIT, A FUCKING CUNT AND YOU KNOW IT!!! … WHAT THE FUCK!! I MEANT YOU ARE A FUCKING MORON, A FUCKING CUNT, A FUCKKKKKKING SHITHEAD, not me. I meant you all along, YOU FUCKING STUPID DOG!

…and she’s running for Parliament.

No, it’s not Pauline Hanson, although the media have dubbed her as the “next Pauline Hanson”.

Who? This dopey cow.

Small wonder Kate McCullock has joined the One Nation Party and will be their candidate for the seat of Macarthur in the next Federal Election, according to a press release from the Ku Klux Klan One Nation Party today.

Mad Kate is standing for the seat because:

…she felt strongly about freedom of speech.

“So many people felt so strongly about the issue in Camden but they were too terrified to speak out, and that’s sad,” she said.

She hoped standing as a candidate and “saying the truth and what I think” would give Australians the courage to speak up.

Or allow bigots and racists to spew their bile. Making it acceptable to be racist and ignorant and xenophobic and all that jazz.

Of course, racism and bigotry is never acceptable. Except Kate’s not racist, is she? Oh no. It’s the media’s fault for portraying her like that:

But Mrs McCulloch said she was prepared for an onslaught from the media.

“I have a feeling how the media are going to portray me as xenophobic and racist,” she said.

“They will sensationalise. You have to cop it sweet.

“It doesn’t worry me what they call me. I’ve got six kids. I know I stand for good values.”

That’s right. She’s not xenophobic and racist, she stands for good values (and what the hell does having six kids got anything to do with anything?). But she still thinks

…too much time and money is being spent on helping poorer countries overseas and helping asylum seekers, while Australian citizens such as farmers needed help.

Yeah, real good values, Mad Kate. Farmers need help from time to time but I would hardly put them in the same basket as asylum seekers.

Mad Kate’s good values also means being nice about other cultures:

We don’t want [Muslims] not only here, we don’t want them in Australia. They’re an oppressive society, they’re a dictatorship… The ones that come here oppress our society, they take our welfare and they don’t want to accept our way of life.

Oh, sorry. Hang on, I’m sure I can find something she’s said that demonstrates Mad Kate’s good values…

Go and do something while I search. Go on, then. It will take me a while.

• ‘In 1989 Tuckey was one of the leaders of the plot to depose John Howard as Liberal Party leader and replace him with Andrew Peacock. After the success of the plot, Tuckey boasted about it on television, privately infuriating Howard.’

• Just days after the devastating Victorian bushfires, Tuckey places political blame for the causes of the bushfires. Sensitive guy.

• ‘Tuckey has yelled “Look at moi” across the chamber at Ms Gillard every day this week… Mr Tuckey, who was thrown out of Question Time yesterday over an unrelated matter, vowed to keep up the interjections. “If you want Kath to run the Government, you should vote for her,” the West Australian backbencher said.’

• ‘Dr Nelson was… forced to defend Liberal MP Wilson Tuckey, who walked out of Parliament before today’s apology to indigenous Australians.The West Australian MP was in the house for the opening prayer, but left the chamber when Mr Rudd rose to his feet to deliver the apology….Mr Tuckey had earlier suggested saying sorry would do nothing for solving indigenous problems.’
• And just generally, he’s arguably an overall idiot.

Today, there was a “regrettable incident” in the Liberal party room, “when NSW Liberal backbencher Alby Schultz became angry and shirt-fronted Victorian MP Chris Pearce”, giving Labor an opportunity for a few barbs directed at the Opposition during Question Time. Anthony Albanese, for example, said: “The Member for Hume thought it was the first of June and he’d give the member for Aston a pinch and a punch for the first of the month.”

Lame stuff, but lamer was yet to come.

Enter Wilson Tuckey:

But not everyone thought the verbal stoush was funny.

West Australian Liberal Wilson Tuckey implored Mr Rudd to ease off, especially towards one of the participants “for reasons he would understand”.

“Using his sharp and nasty wit is very unfair … just lay off,” the backbencher said.

That’s rich!

Sure, Tuckey, sure. The day you stop insulting and degrading your peers, opponents and colleagues, maybe?

UPDATE: Paul Keating was, of course, the master of insults and I imagine people would try to compare Keating with Tuckey. There is no comparison between the two. Tuckey is just nasty and would attack people for, say, their appearances, such as the “fat so-and-so” jibe at Kim Beazley.

• …you put on your trousers and one end of the drawstring has slipped into the waist area and you can’t fish it out and your trousers are then too loose and the other end of the drawstring is flapping around all day?
• …there’s nothing to watch on daytime TV because you’re home with the flu so you end up watching Dr Phil and The View then regret it?
• …people expectorate on the footpath and you can’t help but notice the big puddle of sputum with all its bubbles and greenish slimy texture?
• …you open Grods and there’s a post titled “Bronwyn’s hypocrisy” and you immediately wonder why Scott’s sold you out (or me, in this case)?
• …your head’s been full of snot and flu for the past two weeks so how will you know if you’ve got swine flu?
• …you’re so bored that you end up making whiney posts that people will regret reading?

Additional:

• …you post your post then see several mistakes and keep updating repeatedly?

I’m really confused.

Remember former VP Republican candidate Sarah Palin? Of course you do.

Remember her 17 year old daughter Bristol Palin hitting the headlines when it was revealed she was pregnant? Of course you do.

Remember how it’s really obvious that abstinence clearly doesn’t work, and that Bristol is a really public example of that? Of course you do.

So why the hell is Bristol now going around urging teens in America to abstain from sex? She should know by now abstinence is NOT THE ANSWER.

It didn’t work for her, did it? And the abstinence-only program aggressively pushed by religious nutters during Dubya’s tenure has been a dismal failure. When US public health officials are expecting 750,000 teen pregnancies in the US this year, you just know that abstinence-only messages aren’t getting through to teens.

I really had thought, perhaps naively, that Bristol would draw on her own experiences and maybe start publicly speaking out against the foolhardy abstinence-only mindset and argue for US federal funds to be better spent on sex education (as opposed to or in addition to abstinence-only programs).

Then again, her mother is Sarah Palin. I can’t help but wonder…

So, I’ve blogged about this before, as has Scott. The proposed Islamic school in Camden, the resulting outpouring of xenophobia and hypocrisy, and the publicity given to this stupid bint. Oh yeah, and bleatings about some fucking cemetary.

Yesterday in the SMH, there was a report about the appeal against council’s decision, with some familiar names, as well as new ones, making some bloody awful bigoted statements. Again. In fact, I was struck by how paranoid these freaks sound. There seems to be a new level of hysteria in their ridiculous statements.

Check them out. From the aforementioned stupid bint, Kate McCulloch:

…said she was “no redneck xenophobic racist like the media have put to me”.

“Let’s start making people understand that the Western way of life is the best way of life,” she said.

Yeah, well, she’s not exactly reaching out to them to make them “understand”. There are so many other things wrong with that statement as well: the “Western way of life” is undefinable, for one. Second, it’s subjectively not the “best way of life” – maybe for her it is but it’s not for everyone. Third, many Muslims live in the West. So what? I really don’t get her at all.

Moving on.

Judith Bond said the school would teach war and how to kill.

“Values of violence will be emphasised. It will be a breeding ground for terrorists … There will be a surge of gang rapes, looting and attacking infidels,” Ms Bond said.

I don’t even need to comment on this. Its utter stupidity and offensiveness speaks for itself.

Next.

The area’s Christian values were threatened by the proposal, said another resident, John Waterhouse, who warned Christmas decorations and nativity scenes would be “pulled down or withdrawn on some sort of process of religious nit-picking”.

Describing Camden as “the mouse that dared to roar”, he said he did not want prayer mats unrolled in shops or “[our] teenage daughters subjected to demeaning taunts wearing jeans, shorts or T-shirts”.

I really don’t know where to start with this one… Or maybe I’m just feeling sicker and sicker with the blatant bigotry and ignorance.

But on the opening day of the appeal to the Land and Environment Court on Tuesday, council’s barrister, Craig Leggat, SC, opened his evidence with a letter signed by a group of the region’s Christian leaders, who said Islam was an ideology with a plan for world domination.

Hang on, I thought traditionally it was the Jews who were planning world domination? Has anyone notified ZOG about this?

Come on, Camden. You can be better than this.

Our friend, Wah of Club Wah infamy, reckons anyone who wears a Che Guevara t-shirt is a, well, a very annoying person. It was also a hilarious post because it drew some angry comments from Che fans, in particular this one which still makes me giggle:

If I could I would teach you a lesson and made you a “cunt” , and use you to satisfy my sexual needs! you a.. hole! Che Guevara was a big man ! not like you> a insignificant capitalist worm!
shut your sewage “canal”-mouth! It kind of stinks!

So it was with some smirking and reminiscing on my part just now when I read this whole list of Che-branded stuff:

…T-shirts, watches, sneakers, key chains, cigarette lighters, coffee mugs, wallets, backpacks, mouse pads, beach towels and condoms. He’s not only been used by politicians like the Venezuelan president, Hugo Chávez, to promote their own agendas, but he’s also been employed by merchants to sell air fresheners in Peru, snowboards in Switzerland and wine in Italy.

The supermodel Gisele Bündchen pranced down a runway in a Che bikini. A men’s wear company brought out a Che action figure, complete with fatigues, a beret, a gun and a cigar. And an Australian company produced a “cherry Guevara” ice cream line, describing the eating experience like this: “The revolutionary struggle of the cherries was squashed as they were trapped between two layers of chocolate. May their memory live on in your mouth!”

There’s something oddly perverse about cherries and the memory living on in your mouth, but I can’t quite pin-point what it is.

Anyway. Go, comrades Che and Wah!

Once again, mothers are up in arms over some B-grade celebrity getting her gear off for a men’s magazine. Funny how we never hear dads shrieking about the demise of our morality in the same way.

Anyway, this time it’s… hang on, can’t remember her name, let me check… oh yeah, this time it’s a certain Kellie Crawford, apparently a former Hi-5 “star”. She stripped down to her underwear and pranced around a studio while someone took photos of her for publication in Ralph. Great rag, that. Or so I’m told by some men in my life.

So, I’m reading this news thingy about this Kellie whoever and how “family groups” reckon Kellie is sending out a “negative” message to young girls everywhere.

“The fact she’s posed on a cover is particularly problematic because magazines like Ralph are on shop shelves at kiddy eye level,” [Women's Forum Australia spokesperson, Melinda Tankard Reist] said.

“It’s an abuse of her position with tens of thousands of little girls looking up to her.”

No it’s not. Kellie whatsis doesn’t owe any little girl anything, particularly if she’s no longer a member of Hi-5. Relatedly, from the pictures I’ve seen of Kellie’s norks, the tens of thousands of little girls looking up to her wouldn’t even be able to see her chin anyway.

Julia Gale from Kids Free 2B Kids also criticised Crawford.

“Older teenage girls will wonder why performers feel the need to pornify their image,” she said.

“They are damaged and harmed by messages that they need to sexualise yourself.”

Oh spare me! You’re the fucking parents, you can control what your kids see (although, granted, with the internet these days… ).

Plus, “pornify” is NOT A FUCKING WORD! I looked it up.

As for Ms Crawford, I was a bit alarmed when she said, “I did [the photos] for myself to remind myself that I am a woman.”

To remind herself that she’s a woman?

Okay! Here’s hoping she now has absolutely no doubts about what she is.

UPDATE: Judge for yourselves…

This evening I announced to all and sundry on Facebook that I have finally decided what I’m going to do with my stimulus money — if I ever get it. (Memo to Rudd: Hurry the fuck up and gimme the money!)

The responses I got in return were surprising, ranging from “Are you insane?” to “Weirdo” to “I don’t think that’s what Rudd had in mind”.

So, what is it that I am going to do with my filthy lucre, dear GrodsReaders? Well, I’ve decided to go…

SKYDIVING!!!!1!!

Big freakin’ deal, huh?

Thing is, it’s entirely justified: skydiving is bloody expensive and I’ve been wanting to do it for years, but could never justify the money (or, more likely, never had enough money). Besides, Kevin didn’t tell me HOW I should spend it, did he? Or if he did, I must’ve missed it — possibly deliberately.

I figure I’ll be in Byron Bay in July on what seems to be becoming an annual pilgrimage there (yeah, lefty greenie hippy country… makes sense, don’t it?) and I might as well jump out of an aeroplane while I’m at it.

Is that insane? Weird? Wrong?

Has anyone got their money yet, out of curiousity? And would you spend a portion of it on skydiving?

Getting in first. Enjoy. (NSFW or Near Kids)

I think this is the worst concept I have ever read about a reality TV program:

The Fox network is letting employees of some troubled small businesses decide which one of their colleagues will be laid off and turning the results into a reality show.

…

Each episode will feature a company with about 15 or 20 employees that needs to cut costs because of the economy. Instead of the boss deciding who is fired, the company will open its books to show everyone’s salaries and let the employees make the call.

I can’t believe anyone would want to watch this and revel in someone getting the sack particularly in these rough economic times. I can’t believe colleagues are, effectively, being given the opportunity to make someone else to lose their livelihood. And there’s so many things wrong with allowing access to everyone’s salaries, I don’t know where to start.

But Mike Darnell, chief of alternative programming at Fox, said everyone who participates in the show knows fully what they are doing.

So? Doesn’t make it right. This sort of behaviour shouldn’t be encouraged — it’s mean, spiteful and petty, and I would certainly hope younger, impressionable people don’t start thinking this kind of dog-eat-dog attitude is the only way to go about in life, whether in the workplace or elsewhere. I can only imagine it would lead to more bullying, backstabbing, dishonesty and perhaps harassment — and this sort of behaviour would be magnified and encouraged on television. It would be “cool”.

And I really have to question the people who are willing to go on this kind of show. Yeah, it’s their choice, but for what? Fifteen minutes of fame before heading to the dole office?

“I feel that it’s part of the times that we are living in,” Darnell said. “It’s certainly no worse than watching the news every night and hearing all the statistics and watching what is happening. To be frank, like all these shows, if you don’t want to watch, don’t watch it.” 

True. That’s always been my philosophy as well: don’t wanna watch it? Then don’t. But this show is at a high level of nastiness — up there with humiliating men who didn’t know the chick they were trying to win over had a penis. And it doesn’t take away the questions of the ethics surrounding this new show.

Darnell said he wasn’t concerned about the emotional fallout in a workplace after Someone’s Gotta Go, where an employee might be left to work with a colleague they’d just said on national television should be fired.

Says it all, really.

From the G20 a few days ago. But look at that opportunist Berlusconi! He’s got plenty of chutzpah.

So, caption time. Go for it.

(Back: US President Barack Obama, Italian PM Silvio Berlusconi, Russian President Dmitry Medvedev; front: Chinese President Hu Jintao)

Not to start anything again, but it seems that the battle between iPhones and BlackBerrys (BlackBerries?) is far from over.

From the New York Times, a disgruntled iPhone owner moaned:

[T]he iPhone probably sips, like a lipsticky girl with a vodka drink. It usually does things in a cute way. Whatever. At 4 in the morning, I was in bed, fighting rage. I couldn’t stop thinking about that device’s tarty little face and those yapping “apps” you can download for it. The whole iPhone enterprise seemed to require so much attention, organization, explanation, praise, electricity. I know — I know: in the morning, Apple’s latest miracle machine would fill my palm with meaning and magic. So why couldn’t I contain my annoyance? I had no new-thing excitement. It dawned on me: I hated my iPhone.

…

I refused to fight further with the smug phone. Off sailed my text — the work of a blithering idiot.

The morning after my sleepless night of charging the phone, a text message arrived from a colleague, about breakfast. It came up in a little dialogue bubble, as if we were characters in a comic book.

Now I had to reply. My throat tightened. “Running late,” I decided on. “See you in 15 min.”

What came out was this: “Runninlate. See you in 15 Mon.”

…

And so the iPhone made suggestions. Did I want to say Ride? Ripe? Ruin? No. I wanted to say Running. You know, the way a human might. But with its know-it-all suggestions, the iPhone seemed to want to be more human, more helpful, jollier than I was! The vaunted Apple user-friendliness was exposed, before my eyes, as bossiness and insincerity.

I am getting a new BlackBerry sometime in the next fortnight.

UPDATE: On the other hand, iPhones can make you riiiiiich. If you know how to. And I don’t. So, BlackBerry it is.