I was browsing YouTube tonight when my eyes were assailed by this advertisment:

You would have to positively left-wing not to click that. So I did, and it took me to the website of Captain Chris Close Combat Training.

But what is it? Captain Chris explains all:

He is a fomer military interrogator (trained to extract information from enemy combatants) and has black belts in 5 different martial arts—including karate, judo and Brazilian jiu-jitsu.

[...]

However, despite all his martial arts training and awards, several years ago Captain Chris and his wife were attacked in a vicious road-rage incident that left him beaten within an inch of his life.

Broken, humiliated and mad as hell, he realized true self defense has nothing to do with “martial arts”… and martial arts was actually getting people hurt, crippled and even killed on the streets.

Scraping together what little money he had, and calling in every military favor he could find, Captain Chris travelled the world in search of the “perfect” fighting style that would work for anyone—regardless of size, speed or experience.

After several years abroad, and training under everyone from the violent Arabian assassins in Egypt to the last remaining Samurai in Japan, Captain Chris ran into an old, grizzled WW2 vet in Britain and discovered what he was searching for:

“Close Combat Training”

You mean all those hours watching Karate Kid actually let him down? It’s not even possible!

How is this possible?

To answer that question, I have no choice but to tell you a story the military and most every “martial arts” teacher on the planet do NOT want you to know.

Frankly, even the U.S. government will deny what I’m about to say.

Typical. I blame The Left. Luckily, so does The Capt’n:

Almost 80 years ago, on the eve of World War 2, there was a meeting within the House of Lords in London. In attendance were some of the world’s richest and most powerful men: Including billionaires (there were only a few at the time), diplomats, kings, world leaders, presidents, and other powerful “elites” who controlled vast sums of money and power.

These people were literally desperate to discover the answer to one question, and one question only:

“What REALLY Works In Combat?”

Why did they need to know the answer to this question?

Because these guys were scared shitless (and rightfully so) that they were about to lose their entire fortunes to the single greatest threat mankind had ever seen:

The Nazis.

Great, so it’s combat training as designed by John Ray. But who are we to protect ourselves from?

And I KNOW the kind of crazy shit that’s about to hit the fan in our country.

I’ve seen statistics, reports and projections that would quite frankly cause a nation-wide panic if everyone knew the truth.

Believe me…

Whatever you think you might know about crime and violence (from reading the newspaper and listening to talk radio) is just a “watered-down” version of the REAL story meant to keep the public calm and our politicians’ butts covered.

The fact is… with the explosion of criminal illegal alien gangs allowed to freely roam big cities like LA, Chicago and New York…

… international terrorists basically invited in by the Washington liberals…

…and the rising number of left wing nuts in Congress passing laws that empower criminals and castrate guys like you…

…knowing how to kick someone’s ass at the drop of a dime is no longer a luxury.

The Capt’n also caters for those stupid women who are all about helping people:

Women are natural “care takers” and want to help people all the time. And the sociopaths, rapists and serial killers use this fact to lure women into empty, isolated places where nobody can hear their screams.

But you won’t have to worry about that anymore.

Because once your wife or daughter watches this DVD, she will NEVER be “easy pickings” for these sick bastards. I get testimonials about this DVD ALL THE TIME from women who were once afraid of walking to their cars at night or who were being stalked by psychotic ex-boyfriends.

I can’t believe this man is giving people all the information they need to destroy the Left. Needless to say, when the New Soviets come he will not be spared.

Anyone who thinks that Hey! Hey! It’s Saturday returning is a good idea (and that includes any idiot who signed up for the Facebook group) should be forced to watch this:

Imagine! Two whole hours of that crap.

This is what happens with TV – people only remember the good bits and banish the thousands of hours of shit to the Land of Wind and Ghosts before returning ten years later to demand the return of a show they can’t really remember anyway.

NOW LOOK WHAT THEY’VE DONE

Ponder this comment found on Bolt’s:

And just how is it doing that if its been cooler in the last decade ? more fairtails from the best scammers of all ,THE GREENGATE LIARS.I THINK THEIR LITTLE BRAIN MIGHT BE SHRINKING .I bet those Dinosoars were wondering how they got so big when it was so much hotter than now .c02 is the lowest its been in 600 million yrs according to the latest research .

My soul hurts.

Somehow I missed this when it came out in February. Presenting Ben Lee’s I Love Pop Music.

For those of you too lazy to watch even 30 seconds of a YouTube video because you’re doing something really important like drinking a chai latte, the lyrics go like this:

I love pop music, this is how we do it
It’s politics you can romance to
I love pop music, sprinkle sugar through it,
Philosophy that you can dance to

Inane, yes, but pretty typical for Ben Lee as anyone who caught his disease would know (not herpes, the song).

No, what sends this song into new unseen realms of awfulness are the spoken word verses:

The price of oil is at an all time high and rising,
Global warming threatens life as we know it on this planet,
And leaders have not committed to a plan of action on renewable energy,
The food crisis is currently affecting a hundred million people world wide.

No, really. Go and watch it. Instead of bringing public attention to these issues (global warming? what’s that?), as well as high-lighting the power of music to achieve things, he’s instead ended up making a mockery of these issues, pop music in general, and himself.

Something I’ve always noticed about Ben Lee is his videos always feature good looking young people who fete him like a god, presumably because no one likes him in real life. This video is no exception. What is the exception are the mindless call-and-response background lyrics. Pay attention to the words in brackets in the next verse:

There are over 6 billion people on this planet and not enough fresh drinking water (we’re in trouble),
Religious intolerance creating geopolitical instability (shine a light),
Politicians battling each other like professional wrestlers (ooh),
Further division is not the answer, division is not the answer

We’re in trouble? Shine a light?

A brief search reveals the album on which this song appears, The Rebirth of Venus, has been panned mercilessly worldwide with a slew of one-star reviews, from Uncut  to Slant magazines. And not just because it contains another song called I’m a Woman, Too.

GrodsReaders, what’s your favourite political song? My vote goes to This World Over by XTC. What’s yours?

Tossing and turning in my bed last night, I had an epiphany – why doesn’t GrodsCorp use its blogging reach for good? Why always so down on the Liberal party? It’s the Leftist way to support the underdog, and there is no bigger underdog than Christopher Pyne.

It’s not just that his website is at the lamely rhyming www.pyneonline.com, or that the first thing that assaults you on the site is a pop-up box demanding that you keep in touch, and totally friend him on Facebook. It’s clear he needs help. He wants to be leader, but he’ll never do it on his own.

Malcolm Turnbull hasn’t helped things by handing him a dud portfolio like Shadow Minister for Education, Training and Apprenticeships. Turnbull is obviously threatened by Pyne’s oration skills and animal magnetism, and why shouldn’t he be? Pyne is the only sitting member of Parliament with the ability to grab the Liberal party by the balls and return it to its former glory – you know, lying about asylum seekers throwing children overboard, sending us off to war based on phoney evidence, putting value back in the pound, that sort of thing.

So right now I would to announce my campaign to make Christopher Pyne leader of the Liberal party. He deserves it, and Australia needs it.

What you can do:

Write letters: write letters to all the major newspapers talking up Christopher Pyne’s record of whatever it that he does. Be sure to mention his steely glances and come-hither stare.

Send emails: Set up fake Christopher Pyne email address and badger Turnbull by email. Chances are he won’t tell the difference and will crumble instantly.

Join the Young Libs: For no other reason than the active social life (their Get Smart series 3 fundraiser was a huge success).

Phone talkback radio and repeat what you wrote in your newspaper letters. Chances are Alan Jones will hang up on you, but don’t let that stop you phoning in again under a Mexican pseudonym. If he tries to hang up again cry “racism!”.

Together, GrodsReaders, we can return the Liberal party to its glory days.

I was whiling away the hours on Twitter this afternoon when a strange message popped up:

Wait…what? Thankfully @AndrewBolt stepped in to inform the masses of this troubling news, which was no doubt the fault of Al Gore.

With serious Twitter muscle behind him, the story exploded. All people could talk about was #tunnelcow. An unremarkable story about a cow in a metropolitan tunnel became one of the highest trending topics on Twitter.

But where was the MSM? On the most important story of the day they’d gone AWOL. @AndrewBolt demanded answers:

#tunnelcow was trending through the roof, but the MSM was strangely silent. Even @774melbourne stopped mentioning #tunnelcow.

Other worrying signs of Leftist supression began to pop up, beginning with a tweet from true comprade @thewetmale:

What could the reason for the stony wall of Leftist silence? Sure enough, @AndrewBolt received an alarming tip-off.

Meanwhile, the first pictures of #tunnelcow were appearing:

Indisputable evidence of a bovine shennanigans in the tunnel if there ever were any.

And for no reason here’s a tweet from @andyblume:

Finally, @AndrewBolt used all his charisma on the cause of freedom of information.

As I type, #tunnelcow chatter continues on Twitter, and the ABC finally tried to file #tunnelcow away as a frivilous story on a frivilous blog. You can fool some of the people some of the time, but you can’t fool all of the people all of the time.

#tunnelcow’s whereabouts remain unknown. Final words to @carousella:

How many of you knew that Andrew Bolt made an appearance in a shitty comedy pilot late last year?

Andrew’s complete lack of comedy nous makes me long for the days of jokes about terminally ill kids. I never thought I’d say this, but I hope he stays in “social commentary” because he has no talent here. To think everyone has been beating up on the Chaser when they could have been beating up on this shit.

Great article about what Tim Lambert calls “The Australian’s War on Science” in the SMH:

Less well documented so far has been the industry’s influence on the media. Take the powerful News Corporation, which publishes two-thirds of our remaining newspapers. Despite a spectacular about-face on climate change in 2007 by News Corp’s chairman Rupert Murdoch, no media group can match the Murdoch press for consistently fomenting global warming scepticism and arguing against climate change mitigation measures.

News Corp’s tabloid provocateurs Piers Akerman and Andrew Bolt rail against greenies every other day but don’t have the attention to detail to influence national debate on climate change science, emissions trading and reduction targets, and international negotiations on global warming.

The Australian – Rupert’s baby and local flagship – does. But nothing you read on climate change in The Australian can be taken at face value. Its coverage of the issue is effectively sponsored by the resources industry.

Read it.

Another week, another inevitable backlash.

Despite what some people say, this sketch isn’t making fun of children with terminal illness, but rather our attitudes towards them. Are the kids in this the target of ridicule, or the faux terrible charity?

In the end though, the sketch is a failure for comedic reasons, not for moral ones. Like most ad parodies, it’s very by-the-numbers. The moral outrage this morning is the result of the sketch failing to make anyone laugh. As a result, everyone missed the point and it appeared as though the humour in the sketch came from lambasting dying children, which it wasn’t supposed to.

It was clumsy comedy that they simply should have handled better.

Incidentally, it’s almost a virtual re-write of a McDonald’s House charity parody they did on CNNNN for Fungry’s, and I don’t remember anyone complaining then. Why? Because the sketch hit its satirical mark and there was no question as to where the comedy was aimed.

But to all the people complaining – how many of you even saw the sketch go to air? Mia Freedman didn’t. Like the obituary song, most of the outrage will be generated by the current affairs and morning shows who will gleefully replay it in a cheap grab for ratings.

Seriously, wowsers, go back to The Wedge.

What is it with The Right and “what is it with The Left and…”?

Discuss.

Update: Darryl Mason gives us a small smattering of examples from Bolt’s blog:

What is it with the Left and violence?

What is it with the Left and vomitously vindictive snobbery?

What is it with the left and not being normal????

What is it with the left and censorship?

What is it with the Left and their purely derivative style?

What is it with the Left and Jew-hating, full stop?

What is it with the left and sticking their noses in other peoples lives?

What is it with the left and a complete failure to be witty?

What is it with the left and zero comprehension skills?

What is it with the left and denying undeniable fact?

What is it with the left and excuses?

What is it with the Left and crazies?

What indeed?

The Gentle Right like to preach that global warming is “Leftist alarmism” despite the fact it’s based on sound scientific evidence (and why will no-one debate me? Oh, that’s right! I keep winning).

Alarmism obviously isn’t this:

When I grow up I want to be a principal or a caterpillar!

Nothing alarmist about that.

GrodsCorp has been struggling with the Mac vs. PC question for a while now. I’d like to announce that the war is finally over, and the all-conquering winner is Gateway 2000.

I have one of these and it still serves me well. I can spreadsheet on Lotus 123 before playing some Wolfenstein 3D with its incredible graphics and lifelike sound.

Gasp in horror as Michelle Bachmann completely denies Co2 is harmful in any way, before recycling the “trace gas” meme.

Click here for a neat little summary as to why she is wrong.

(Thanks to GrodsReader Andrew.)

Not content with denying global warming, Bolt’s brave commenters have blown the lid off another “green con” – ozone depletion.

Who could forget the insidious leftist plot to kill off the aerosol can industry? Luckily, we will always have brave science warriors to point us in the right direction.

So, GrodsReaders, which scientific battleground will The Right be fighting next? “Carbon is a leftist myth”? “Newton’s second law of motion is a leftist myth”? “Oxygen in the atmosphere is a leftist myth”?

Suggestions in comments.

A Bolt commenter contemplates a terrible alternative reality where he might have to think for himself:

What I want to know is when the largest news outlet in Australia stopped being part of the “main stream media”.