You would have to positively left-wing not to click that. So I did, and it took me to the website of Captain Chris Close Combat Training.

But what is it? Captain Chris explains all:

He is a fomer military interrogator (trained to extract information from enemy combatants) and has black belts in 5 different martial arts—including karate, judo and Brazilian jiu-jitsu.

[...]

However, despite all his martial arts training and awards, several years ago Captain Chris and his wife were attacked in a vicious road-rage incident that left him beaten within an inch of his life.

Broken, humiliated and mad as hell, he realized true self defense has nothing to do with “martial arts”… and martial arts was actually getting people hurt, crippled and even killed on the streets.

Scraping together what little money he had, and calling in every military favor he could find, Captain Chris travelled the world in search of the “perfect” fighting style that would work for anyone—regardless of size, speed or experience.

After several years abroad, and training under everyone from the violent Arabian assassins in Egypt to the last remaining Samurai in Japan, Captain Chris ran into an old, grizzled WW2 vet in Britain and discovered what he was searching for:

“Close Combat Training”

You mean all those hours watching Karate Kid actually let him down? It’s not even possible!

How is this possible?

To answer that question, I have no choice but to tell you a story the military and most every “martial arts” teacher on the planet do NOT want you to know.

Frankly, even the U.S. government will deny what I’m about to say.

Typical. I blame The Left. Luckily, so does The Capt’n:

Almost 80 years ago, on the eve of World War 2, there was a meeting within the House of Lords in London. In attendance were some of the world’s richest and most powerful men: Including billionaires (there were only a few at the time), diplomats, kings, world leaders, presidents, and other powerful “elites” who controlled vast sums of money and power.

These people were literally desperate to discover the answer to one question, and one question only:

“What REALLY Works In Combat?”

Why did they need to know the answer to this question?

Because these guys were scared shitless (and rightfully so) that they were about to lose their entire fortunes to the single greatest threat mankind had ever seen:

The Nazis.

Great, so it’s combat training as designed by John Ray. But who are we to protect ourselves from?

And I KNOW the kind of crazy shit that’s about to hit the fan in our country.

I’ve seen statistics, reports and projections that would quite frankly cause a nation-wide panic if everyone knew the truth.

Believe me…

Whatever you think you might know about crime and violence (from reading the newspaper and listening to talk radio) is just a “watered-down” version of the REAL story meant to keep the public calm and our politicians’ butts covered.

The fact is… with the explosion of criminal illegal alien gangs allowed to freely roam big cities like LA, Chicago and New York…

… international terrorists basically invited in by the Washington liberals…

…and the rising number of left wing nuts in Congress passing laws that empower criminals and castrate guys like you…

…knowing how to kick someone’s ass at the drop of a dime is no longer a luxury.

The Capt’n also caters for those stupid women who are all about helping people:

Women are natural “care takers” and want to help people all the time. And the sociopaths, rapists and serial killers use this fact to lure women into empty, isolated places where nobody can hear their screams.

But you won’t have to worry about that anymore.

Because once your wife or daughter watches this DVD, she will NEVER be “easy pickings” for these sick bastards. I get testimonials about this DVD ALL THE TIME from women who were once afraid of walking to their cars at night or who were being stalked by psychotic ex-boyfriends.

I can’t believe this man is giving people all the information they need to destroy the Left. Needless to say, when the New Soviets come he will not be spared.

Imagine! Two whole hours of that crap.

This is what happens with TV – people only remember the good bits and banish the thousands of hours of shit to the Land of Wind and Ghosts before returning ten years later to demand the return of a show they can’t really remember anyway.

NOW LOOK WHAT THEY’VE DONE

And just how is it doing that if its been cooler in the last decade ? more fairtails from the best scammers of all ,THE GREENGATE LIARS.I THINK THEIR LITTLE BRAIN MIGHT BE SHRINKING .I bet those Dinosoars were wondering how they got so big when it was so much hotter than now .c02 is the lowest its been in 600 million yrs according to the latest research .

My soul hurts.

For those of you too lazy to watch even 30 seconds of a YouTube video because you’re doing something really important like drinking a chai latte, the lyrics go like this:

I love pop music, this is how we do it
It’s politics you can romance to
I love pop music, sprinkle sugar through it,
Philosophy that you can dance to

Inane, yes, but pretty typical for Ben Lee as anyone who caught his disease would know (not herpes, the song).

No, what sends this song into new unseen realms of awfulness are the spoken word verses:

The price of oil is at an all time high and rising,
Global warming threatens life as we know it on this planet,
And leaders have not committed to a plan of action on renewable energy,
The food crisis is currently affecting a hundred million people world wide.

No, really. Go and watch it. Instead of bringing public attention to these issues (global warming? what’s that?), as well as high-lighting the power of music to achieve things, he’s instead ended up making a mockery of these issues, pop music in general, and himself.

Something I’ve always noticed about Ben Lee is his videos always feature good looking young people who fete him like a god, presumably because no one likes him in real life. This video is no exception. What is the exception are the mindless call-and-response background lyrics. Pay attention to the words in brackets in the next verse:

There are over 6 billion people on this planet and not enough fresh drinking water (we’re in trouble),
Religious intolerance creating geopolitical instability (shine a light),
Politicians battling each other like professional wrestlers (ooh),
Further division is not the answer, division is not the answer

We’re in trouble? Shine a light?

A brief search reveals the album on which this song appears, The Rebirth of Venus, has been panned mercilessly worldwide with a slew of one-star reviews, from Uncut  to Slant magazines. And not just because it contains another song called I’m a Woman, Too.

GrodsReaders, what’s your favourite political song? My vote goes to This World Over by XTC. What’s yours?

It’s not just that his website is at the lamely rhyming www.pyneonline.com, or that the first thing that assaults you on the site is a pop-up box demanding that you keep in touch, and totally friend him on Facebook. It’s clear he needs help. He wants to be leader, but he’ll never do it on his own.

Malcolm Turnbull hasn’t helped things by handing him a dud portfolio like Shadow Minister for Education, Training and Apprenticeships. Turnbull is obviously threatened by Pyne’s oration skills and animal magnetism, and why shouldn’t he be? Pyne is the only sitting member of Parliament with the ability to grab the Liberal party by the balls and return it to its former glory – you know, lying about asylum seekers throwing children overboard, sending us off to war based on phoney evidence, putting value back in the pound, that sort of thing.

So right now I would to announce my campaign to make Christopher Pyne leader of the Liberal party. He deserves it, and Australia needs it.

What you can do:

Write letters: write letters to all the major newspapers talking up Christopher Pyne’s record of whatever it that he does. Be sure to mention his steely glances and come-hither stare.

Send emails: Set up fake Christopher Pyne email address and badger Turnbull by email. Chances are he won’t tell the difference and will crumble instantly.

Join the Young Libs: For no other reason than the active social life (their Get Smart series 3 fundraiser was a huge success).

Phone talkback radio and repeat what you wrote in your newspaper letters. Chances are Alan Jones will hang up on you, but don’t let that stop you phoning in again under a Mexican pseudonym. If he tries to hang up again cry “racism!”.

Together, GrodsReaders, we can return the Liberal party to its glory days.

Wait…what? Thankfully @AndrewBolt stepped in to inform the masses of this troubling news, which was no doubt the fault of Al Gore.

With serious Twitter muscle behind him, the story exploded. All people could talk about was #tunnelcow. An unremarkable story about a cow in a metropolitan tunnel became one of the highest trending topics on Twitter.

But where was the MSM? On the most important story of the day they’d gone AWOL. @AndrewBolt demanded answers:

#tunnelcow was trending through the roof, but the MSM was strangely silent. Even @774melbourne stopped mentioning #tunnelcow.

Other worrying signs of Leftist supression began to pop up, beginning with a tweet from true comprade @thewetmale:

What could the reason for the stony wall of Leftist silence? Sure enough, @AndrewBolt received an alarming tip-off.

Meanwhile, the first pictures of #tunnelcow were appearing:

Indisputable evidence of a bovine shennanigans in the tunnel if there ever were any.

And for no reason here’s a tweet from @andyblume:

Finally, @AndrewBolt used all his charisma on the cause of freedom of information.

As I type, #tunnelcow chatter continues on Twitter, and the ABC finally tried to file #tunnelcow away as a frivilous story on a frivilous blog. You can fool some of the people some of the time, but you can’t fool all of the people all of the time.

#tunnelcow’s whereabouts remain unknown. Final words to @carousella:

Andrew’s complete lack of comedy nous makes me long for the days of jokes about terminally ill kids. I never thought I’d say this, but I hope he stays in “social commentary” because he has no talent here. To think everyone has been beating up on the Chaser when they could have been beating up on this shit.

Less well documented so far has been the industry’s influence on the media. Take the powerful News Corporation, which publishes two-thirds of our remaining newspapers. Despite a spectacular about-face on climate change in 2007 by News Corp’s chairman Rupert Murdoch, no media group can match the Murdoch press for consistently fomenting global warming scepticism and arguing against climate change mitigation measures.

News Corp’s tabloid provocateurs Piers Akerman and Andrew Bolt rail against greenies every other day but don’t have the attention to detail to influence national debate on climate change science, emissions trading and reduction targets, and international negotiations on global warming.

The Australian – Rupert’s baby and local flagship – does. But nothing you read on climate change in The Australian can be taken at face value. Its coverage of the issue is effectively sponsored by the resources industry.

Read it.

Despite what some people say, this sketch isn’t making fun of children with terminal illness, but rather our attitudes towards them. Are the kids in this the target of ridicule, or the faux terrible charity?

In the end though, the sketch is a failure for comedic reasons, not for moral ones. Like most ad parodies, it’s very by-the-numbers. The moral outrage this morning is the result of the sketch failing to make anyone laugh. As a result, everyone missed the point and it appeared as though the humour in the sketch came from lambasting dying children, which it wasn’t supposed to.

It was clumsy comedy that they simply should have handled better.

Incidentally, it’s almost a virtual re-write of a McDonald’s House charity parody they did on CNNNN for Fungry’s, and I don’t remember anyone complaining then. Why? Because the sketch hit its satirical mark and there was no question as to where the comedy was aimed.

But to all the people complaining – how many of you even saw the sketch go to air? Mia Freedman didn’t. Like the obituary song, most of the outrage will be generated by the current affairs and morning shows who will gleefully replay it in a cheap grab for ratings.

Seriously, wowsers, go back to The Wedge.

Discuss.

Update: Darryl Mason gives us a small smattering of examples from Bolt’s blog:

What is it with the Left and violence?

What is it with the Left and vomitously vindictive snobbery?

What is it with the left and not being normal????

What is it with the left and censorship?

What is it with the Left and their purely derivative style?

What is it with the Left and Jew-hating, full stop?

What is it with the left and sticking their noses in other peoples lives?

What is it with the left and a complete failure to be witty?

What is it with the left and zero comprehension skills?

What is it with the left and denying undeniable fact?

What is it with the left and excuses?

What is it with the Left and crazies?

What indeed?

Alarmism obviously isn’t this:

When I grow up I want to be a principal or a caterpillar!

Nothing alarmist about that.

I have one of these and it still serves me well. I can spreadsheet on Lotus 123 before playing some Wolfenstein 3D with its incredible graphics and lifelike sound.

Click here for a neat little summary as to why she is wrong.

(Thanks to GrodsReader Andrew.)

Who could forget the insidious leftist plot to kill off the aerosol can industry? Luckily, we will always have brave science warriors to point us in the right direction.

So, GrodsReaders, which scientific battleground will The Right be fighting next? “Carbon is a leftist myth”? “Newton’s second law of motion is a leftist myth”? “Oxygen in the atmosphere is a leftist myth”?

Suggestions in comments.

What I want to know is when the largest news outlet in Australia stopped being part of the “main stream media”.

Presenting – the Climate Skeptics, noble crusaders against alarmism of all kinds (emphasis below mine).

Anthropogenic or man-made Global Warming (AGW) alarmism is the biggest con, fraud, hoax, swindle, deception and mass hysteria in the history of modern civilization, because climate changes naturally.

As discussed previously, the words “con” etc suggest that scientists are deliberately hoaxing the folks – presumably to introduce communism, I’m sure. A great start.

They are a party firmly rooted in common sense:

In their marvellous “child abuse” page, they liken teaching children about science to sending them off in the Children’s Crusade.

The Climate Sceptics object in the strongest possible terms to the kind of child abuse being inflicted on children by AGW alarmism in school classrooms. It is not science. It is religio-political indoctrination. It is a drive to sweep up children in one of the most fanatical movements the world has ever seen.

The Children’s Crusade of 1212 C.E. was one of the most shameful events in the history of the Christian West. After four Crusades had failed to wrest the Holy Lands from the Mohammedan powers, many thousands of children were swept up by the mass hysteria and religious enthusiasm of the day to do what the armies of Christendom had failed to do – repossess the Holy Lands.

Oh boy! A crusade!

Their climate change page is as sparse, selective and unscientific as you’d expect, and contains every meme and rambling, incorrect quote that has already been dispelled at actual scientific sites.

Their ABC page is hysterical:

The Climate Sceptics will have the following Policy for ABC programming about AGW:
POLICY

1. The IPCC will not be treated as an indisputable authority about AGW
2. Statements and predictions about AGW from IPCC, the Bureau of Meteorology and the CSIRO will be subject to critical analysis and not accepted at face value.
3. Equal time will be given to sceptic scientists and spokespersons in response to announcements and media releases in support of AGW.
4. Sensationalist and alarmist language should not be used in the reporting of AGW predictions and statements of alleged consequences of AGW.
5. The ABC will undertake a measured and thorough analysis and presentation of what AGW is and the alleged evidence to support it.

I suppose Catalyst will be presented by Andrew Bolt?  Will the news be running non-alarmist items about global warming child abuse?

I don’t like to use the word hypocrite (okay, I do!) but it is hypocritical to complain about “alarmism” from one quarter (and “alarmism” in itself is not an argument against global warming) while calling for the censorship of the ABC and accusing schools of “child abuse” for teaching real science and not hamstrung political ideology.

More on this party when my housemate isn’t pining for the PC.

I will never tolerate another negative comment about her again. The woman is an angel.

A lawyer not familiar with copyright law. Good work.

Update: Andrew Bolt has an interesting suggestion:

Consider the devastation in Victoria. Research by the CSIRO, Climate Institute and the Bushfire Council found that a “low global warming scenario” will see catastrophic fire events happen in parts of regional Victoria every five to seven years by 2020, and every three to four years by 2050, with up to 50 per cent more extreme danger fire days. However, under a “high global warming scenario”, catastrophic events are predicted to occur every year in Mildura, and firefighters have been warned to expect up to a 230 per cent increase in extreme danger fire days in Bendigo. And in Canberra, the site of devastating fires in 2003, we are being asked to prepare for a massive increase of up to 221 per cent in extreme fire days by 2050, with catastrophic events predicted as often as every eight years.

So now even the firefighters are pleased about the bushfires. Because that is what you mean by crowing, isn’t it Bolt? We’re pleased that people have died, right? We’re using the dead to push our socialist agenda?

Just keep digging that hole.

Obviously, global warming didn’t cause the bushfires, but years of dry conditions caused by global warming have made the situation a lot worse than it would have been thirty years ago.

Andrew is now stuck at an impasse – the massive bushfires we’re seeing are what his targets Tim Flannery and Robyn Williams have been warning about for years. Now they’ve arrived, and suddenly global warming isn’t looking like the Leftist conspiracy it once did.

So what does Andrew do?

His new tactic is to try to guilt people into not even mentioning “bushfires” and “global warming” in the same sentence. That’s wrong, you see. Maybe he thinks the bushfires were made worse by global cooling, I don’t know.

He’s already attacked Bob Brown for bringing up global warming. As previously mentioned here, it’s kind of stoopid to attack someone by claiming they’re trying to gain political mileage out of it, and then doing the same thing yourself. Real stoopid.

And now, fatally, he has accused Freya Matthews of “crowing“, a veiled hint that she is actually happy the bushfires came – because they prove her right!

That is probably one of the most disgusting things I think I’ve read about the bushfires yet (his mate Danny Naliah excepted). What an utterly repulsive thing to say.

I ask you, fair reader, to look over Freya’s piece and see if you can find any “crowing”. Chances are, you won’t, unless you’re an idiot. It’s a completely level-headed article that points out the reality of what we’re facing here in Australia. Andrew Bolt, basically, knows he’s fucked because for a long time he’s been pointing to extreme cold to “prove” global warming doesn’t exist, but when the shoe is on the other foot, he’s suddenly throwing wild accusations around and trying to paint those with honest opinions as gloaters and crowers.

Watch over the next few weeks, and months, as he wields this attack on anyone who dare mention global warming in relation to these fires.

It needs to be said that the only real gloating or crowing that has gone on so far is from his buddy Danny. But, according to Andrew, he’s just excercising his right to free speech.

Don’t trip over the hypocrisy, Andrew.

Fearless? Brave? Heroic? Fighting for what’s good and true?

When white supremacist group The Southern Cross Soldiers decided to hold a rally on Australia Day, they thought the beach would be their oyster, and the media their bitch. What patriotic, beach loving Aussie could ignore their call for immigrants to fuck off?

Sadly, it was not to be.

You could tell it would be an exercise in idiocy from the moment the first little troopers arrived under The Clocks and began casting anxious eyes over the Australia Day parade rolling down Swanston St.

Chinese marchers with their dragons, Turkish dancers, new arrivals from Africa – the sort of people your typical Southern Cross Soldier wants to send back where they came from.

But outnumbered as they were, there wasn’t a peep out of these heroes, whose ranks swelled gradually to about 30.

Thirty? Sounds like a right proper army to me.

And at Mordialloc’s multicultural melting pot, well you just had to laugh. They congregated for a while at the foot of the pier like virgins at an orgy, glancing anxiously down the beach and at all those non-Anglo faces, who paid them no heed whatsoever.

When a couple of brawny Pacific Islanders ambled past, their silence was deafening.

[...]

When a Herald Sun photographer tried to snap their pictures, that was the moment to demonstrate courage. Fifteen on one, those are the sort of odds cowards like best.

There was a bit of pushing and shoving and lens-blocking, and one big kid struck a boxing pose and offered to punch some heads.

He didn’t and they drifted away on a cloud of obscenity to have another go at remembering the words to Advance Australia Fair.

It’s good to know John Ray has these guys on his side, because when the New Soviets come they will not be spared.

That’s right – they  drew a line linking a point in December 1979 with a point in December 2008, even though the trend is clearly down. This goes even further than Mantaray refusing to accept that climate and weather are different. This is the graphic equivilant of shoving your fingers in your ears, shutting your eyes and shouting “I CAN’T HEAR YOU!”.

This is the difference between skeptics and denialists. The line in the sand is here.

Shocking stuff.

More at Open Mind and LP.

It tells the chilling story of one man’s journey from rational conservatism to Latte Left after accidentally giving his mother the old bone job. Here’s hoping the QC doesn’t take legal action against Sophocles for stealing his idea.

I don’t eat it – do you? Supermarkets stock more honey and Nutella than Vegemite. Admitting you don’t eat Vegemite is like donning a burqa and running through the Bourke Street Mall shouting “DEATH TO THE UNBELIEVERS” in your best Arabic – or so the politicians seem to think. Frankly, I doubt anyone cares whether or not you like Vegemite.

I really despise this kind of populist, patronising politics in which they try to play Australians for a bunch of suckers. As if Labor would lose the next election because they dared to tax Vegemite?

But we’ll let Gillard have the final word:

“Vegemite is part of being Australian, part of our history, part of our future and I’ll be continuing to wake up in the morning and having it on my toast.”

LIES!

“Leftists” hate:

• Normal people’s hapiness (!)
• Israel.
• Children.
• “Breeders”
• Success.
• Christianity.
• Anything conservative.
• people knowing about history.
• democracy and freedom in Iraq.
• Life.
• Mormons.
• the “Eton Boat song”.
• Wal-Mart.
• people with big heads.
• Cars.
• Guns.
• Suburbs.
• Straight white men.
• Jokes about sexual orientation, race, or gender.
• Jokes about anything.
• Traditional families.
• Absitinence.
• Religious zealots (except Muslims)
• The rich.
• Vouchers.
• Home-schooling.
• Standardised testing.
• McDonalds.
• Pharmaceutical companies.
• Successful businesses.
• Failed busineses.
• the US military.
• People
• Karl Rove.
• Freedom.
• Civilised society.
• Ann Coulter.
• Homosexuals.

And that’s from one site alone. So, Leftists, what do you hate?

[A] graph of temperatures over just the past nine months, with a line drawn kind-of through them.

That’s right, denialists. This is the man who tells you what to think. Scary, huh?

Sky News runs yet another apocalyptic story on global warming, this time threatening the Sami of Lappland. No figures are offered, just a couple of anecdotes, and this evidence of a warming world:

There’s a lot more snow these days.

We’re also told the ice is now too thick for reindeer, but also too thin for snow mobiles.

We really need to collate this kind of reporting in some document for future generations. They will not believe how comprehensively the media lost its reason, and the media sure won’t be in the mood to remind them.

Science, research and evidence say:

The seasonal pattern of snow cover shows that there’s been no noticeable decline during fall and winter, so we shouldn’t be the least bit surprised by the large snowfall over the U.S. this past week. We can also plainly see that snow cover exhibits extremely large fluctuations, so again last week’s snowfall is no surprise whatever, and no harbinger of any reversal of global warming. But the rapid decline of springtime snow cover over the last four decades, and the even more rapid decline of summer snow cover, show the mark of global warming unambiguously. And despite what some like to shout, the statistically strong trends are what’s important, not the statistically normal noise.

It truly is a case of populist anecdotal evidence versus science. I’ll let you make up your own mind, dear reader.

Update: Beware – “Global cooling” alarmism is now taking hold:

Global warming,what global warming,we could get snow on the Gold Coast next winter.

Anyone?

Note: Please do not click play. It is not a video, it’s a picture.

I am going to reveal some of our most shocking truths. Sit tight.

• Kevin “474″ Rudd travels so often by Co2 emiting aircraft in order to speed up global warming, which will in turn lead to the end of capitalism.
• Jeremy Sear shot JFK, knowing that it would kick start an unstoppable chain of events that would lead to an America-hating Muslim in the White House. That hasn’t happened yet…OR HAS IT?
• Homophobia, Sexism, Racism and Xenophobia were invented by Leftists in the 80’s in order to suppress The Truth from the world.
• The current financial crisis is the fault of Michelle Obama’s penchant for shoes.
• Dave Letterman’s mockery of George W. Bush is a conspiracy to keep The Truth from the people – that G.W.B is actually the greatest intellectual hero of our, or any, generation.
• Google is blocking anti-Obama blogs in a Muslim conspiracy. It’s nothing to do with the fact that they all cut-and-paste from each other, therefore causing them to get automatically tagged as spam blogs. No siree Bob.
• Ray Martin is a steam-powered robot built by the Russians during the Cold War. That’s why there are no pictures of him as a child.
• Bob The Builder is a Leftist plot to encourage children to form unions.
• Obama’s original slogan wasn’t “Change”. It was “Islam”.
• John Ray’s christmas letters are a Leftist campaign to discredit him.

Sorry guys, but it had to be said.

Update: More Truths are flooding into the comments section.

Skeptic - “[T]here is another, more disturbing, aim of the left. And that is, to promote AGW as the new secular religion in order to crush all other religions because we on the left hate religion. Except for Islam, which we will then use to launch a jihad on the secular global warming religious adherents.”

Broken Left Leg – “Bob the Builder and Barack bin Obama have the same catchphrase. “Yes we can”.
Coincidence? I think not.”

Toaf – “Also, Baz Lurmann is a commie who wants to destroy Australia THROUGH THE MEDIUM OF FILLUM!!!1!”

Wah, a true comprade, is desperately trying to supress one of the Truths –  ”You’re full of shit Surname – Michelle Obama’s penchant for shoes stimulates the economy, particularly the footwear industry and associated businesses like leather tanning and the companies that make buckles and laces.”

Wah, the people can see through you. We know you’re involved. When the revolution comes you will not be spared.

David Stratton: I liked it. It tells the inside story accurately and with minimum of Costello’s smirk. Could have used more car chases, but that’s a minor quibble. 4 stars.

Malcy: There isn’t enough about me. 1 star.

What does everyone else think about it?

“And Rudd has systematically alienated those on the cultural Left who dreamed that, through him, they might prosecute their war on the values of ordinary Australians. “

Oh! Silly me! That’s what this whole thing is about. Leftist child pornographers (is there any other kind?) forcing their depravity on decent Australians! How long have we been prosecuting this war on the good and decent people of Australia who never dreamed that beneath the clothes of a young girl there might be a body? What hath Bill Henson wrought? And to think I get laughed at for wearing camouflage casually and carrying a rocket launcher.

Fear not imaginary-values-from-a-time-in-the-distant-past-that-may-have-not-actually-existed, we’ll destroy you yet. At least we would had a Leftist band by the name of Blind Faith not gotten there first.

THE Federal Government plans to crack down on alcohol companies making a mockery of its alcopop tax by producing drinks that look and taste exactly like the ready-to-drink products, but are technically beer.

[...]

But its efforts have been undermined by alcohol companies. Independent Distillers – producer of popular alcopop brands such as Vodka Cruiser and Pulse – recently launched a “malternative” called Bolt, boasting that it bypassed the alcopop tax. The product comes in blueberry, raspberry and passionfruit flavours and is up to $25 a carton cheaper than pre-mixed spirits. Last week, one retailer was selling two four-packs of Bolt for $16 – equivalent to $2 a drink.

There you go, boys. Just in case you felt slightly queer drinking Cruisers, you can now enjoy a Malternative lifestyle. Or, I don’t know, you could just drink beer!

I understand that the experience of drinking Bolt is similar to reading his column – a mild feeling of nausea, followed by a proper ralph in the gutter outside the TAB.

Update: Proving that he doesn’t just stop at malternatives – Andrew Bolt’s semi-autobiographical film Bolt has opened in the US. It tells the story of his rise from lowly cadet to uber-Opinionist. Critics expect it to make more money than An American Carol.

Sadly, these idiots have apparently worked out how to make it to The Age’s website. Today The Age published an article on Indigenous people being concerned that the latest batch of tourism advertising promotes “trampling” of their culture. Fair enough, right? Would you graffiti the Vatican? Or urinate in the Church of the Holy Sepulcher?

Of course not. But for some reason, even though Indigenous culture goes back over 60,000 years (yes, that’s even before Jesus), Aboriginies should take their made-up “culture” and get fucked. Or at least that’s how readers of The Age see it:

“Typical. The aborigines (sic) are never happy. I am sure if they were paid they would say their ancestral spirits were at peace. The biggest problem with aboriginal (sic) ‘culture’ is that it is undocumented. So they make things up as they go. Oh my God, there’s money in it! Look another sacred site!”

“Of course this issue has come up. I smell a con for cash as compensation. “

“I suspect the filmakers (sic) sought and were granted permission. I also suspect that the people complaining did not get any kickbacks from the filming of Australia.”

“Will they ever be happy ??”

I can’t imagine what didn’t get approved. I’ll be updating this post throughout the day with new comments as they come in. As I write this, eight comments have been posted, and all of them are negative towards Indigenous people.

Aren’t Australians just salt of the earth?

Political Lizard:

So sa (sic) we start this election We (sic) see that Obama starts off with approximately 36.8 million votes and McCain starts with 36.6 million votes. This is a 200,000 vote lead prior to independents being included. If these voters are evenly split We (sic) could have a situation where one candidate wins the popular vote and another wins the electoral college. A split in independents favors McCain. If McCain maintains his slight lead among independent (sic) he wins similar to 2004.

ChronWatch:

Obama’s biggest problem is that the majority of Americans racially are white. Even Hispanics, racially, are white. Once you get by all the usual politically correct blather about race, the likelihood that whites will vote for Obama is slim to none when they get in the privacy of the voting booth.

That is why John McCain, unless he selects a serial killer as his vice president running mate, is likely to be the next President of the United States of America.

When queeried (sic) on what he meant by this, the intrepid poster expanded upon this thesis:

The vast majority of homosexuals are atheist and liberal. That is a
fact. Also journalism is a favorite career path of homosexuals and
socialists.
Journalists are like lawyers. They create their own job via paper and
bullshit. Both are human barnacles on society that produce nothing of value.

Edward David Gil (cached, original deleted):

Here is how “the penny dropped” and I suddenly realized that McCain will beat Obama decisively in this November’s presidential election (as unlikely as it may seem now in July): it was when I read that the city of Denver has been giving the Democratic National Committee’s “Host Committee” members a pass on the city’s tax on gasoline for about four months, before it was disclosed.

Daily AntiKos

Reasons why:
1. Conservatives don’t participate in polls.
2. People have felt intimidated into saying they’re supporting Obama.
3. Sarah Palin will produce a turnout of the base as never seen before.
4. Coal states have shifted toward McCain.
5. God is conservative.

Owned. Every last one.

I thought the Liberals were, like, totally into working hard and everything. If I were a weaker man I’d blame his laziness and irresponsibilty on his political leanings, but that would be stupid now, wouldn’t it?

PRODUCERS of the ABC’s political talk show Q&A contacted Liberal politicians, business and Christian groups and Rotary clubs in their hunt for conservatives to deal with allegations its audience was stacked with lefties.

Maybe instead of complaining about ABC bias, certain commenters/trolls at certain websites with inflated figures could have, oh, I don’t know, put their hand up to be in the audience? Sadly, it’s a lot easier to flood websites with pointless comments no-one reads than to actually get off your arse and do something.

Mr Scott provided new figures showing that, over the program’s 2008 season, ALP supporters made up 32% of audience members who shared their voting intention, the Coalition 24% and the Greens 17%.

I think the important question here is – who made up the last 27%?

I think we all know the answer to that – the CEC. And probably David Hicks. And that Bill Henson dude.

Malcolm Turnbull has gone mad with power.

“Now I think homebuyers and businesses and borrowers all around Australia have got to ask themselves if we – the Opposition – had not put a stake in the ground for small business, for homebuyers, for the borrowers of Australia, do you think we would have got 80 per cent of that rate cut passed on? Do you think we would have got what we have? The fact is we stood up for the whole of the community; Kevin Rudd opened the door for the banks to do as little as they chose.”

Simply remarkable. Even in opposition. Even though the world is facing an unprecedented financial crisis. Even though the interest rate cut has nothing to do with either political party; the Liberals are still taking credit for the interest rate cut.

These are the words of a man so full of himself that I shudder to think how he might act if given any real power, for instance, the office of Prime Minister.

I’m reminded of this exchange from The Simpsons Movie:

EPA Official: S-sir, I’m afraid you’ve gone mad with power…
Russ Cargill: Of course I have. You ever tried going mad without power? It’s boring. No one listens to you!

I blame global warming.

IFILL: Let’s talk conventional wisdom for a moment. The conventional wisdom, Gov. Palin with you, is that your Achilles heel is that you lack experience. Your conventional wisdom against you is that your Achilles heel is that you lack discipline, Sen. Biden. What id it really for you, Gov. Palin? What is it really for you, Sen. Biden? Start with you, governor.

PALIN: My experience as an executive will be put to good use as a mayor and business owner and oil and gas regulator and then as governor of a huge state, a huge energy producing state that is accounting for much progress towards getting our nation energy independence and that’s extremely important.

But it wasn’t just that experience tapped into, it was my connection to the heartland of America. Being a mom, one very concerned about a son in the war, about a special needs child, about kids heading off to college, how are we going to pay those tuition bills? About times and Todd and our marriage in our past where we didn’t have health insurance and we know what other Americans are going through as they sit around the kitchen table and try to figure out how are they going to pay out-of-pocket for health care? We’ve been there also so that connection was important.

But even more important is that world view that I share with John McCain. That world view that says that America is a nation of exceptionalism. And we are to be that shining city on a hill, as President Reagan so beautifully said, that we are a beacon of hope and that we are unapologetic here. We are not perfect as a nation. But together, we represent a perfect ideal. And that is democracy and tolerance and freedom and equal rights. Those things that we stand for that can be put to good use as a force for good in this world.

John McCain and I share that. You combine all that with being a team with the only track record of making a really, a difference in where we’ve been and reforming, that’s a good team, it’s a good ticket.

If Joe Sixpacks like myself were asked our weaknesses in a job interview, and we answered the question the way she did, we wouldn’t get the job – you betcha.

Unlike most people here, I didn’t watch/listen to the debate. I started to, but, fatally, decided to play a drinking game. I would take a shot of Vodka everytime Palin used the word “maverick”.

Twenty minutes later I was rushed to hospital with suspected alcohol poisoning. Serious shit. I nearly died.

Another golden nugget from our Alaskan friend:

“Say it ain’t so, Joe, there you go again pointing backwards again. You preferenced your whole comment with the Bush administration. Now doggone it, let’s look ahead and tell Americans what we have to plan to do for them in the future. You mentioned education and I’m glad you did. I know education you are passionate about with your wife being a teacher for 30 years, and god bless her. Her reward is in heaven, right?”

I have no idea what she is talking about, and I can’t remember what the question was, but hey, she can wink, right? If only, like Biden, she was smart enough to plagarise.

UPDATE: This morning McCain and Palin are accusing Obama of hanging out with terrorists. Duh. I revealed that Obama is a terrorist ages ago. A win for Citizen Journalism.

That’s right, McCain chased the Kaiser for diggity-six miles.

Mercilessly stolen from the Daily Kos.

This is Anonymous Liberal’s take on how Obama should fire back at John “You’ve Done It Again” McCain and Sarah Palin:

“You know, I was listening to the Governor of Alaska today and she repeated a claim that virtually every news organization has already disproved. She said she “told Congress ‘thanks but no thanks’ to the Bridge to Nowhere.” Then I heard John McCain speak and he repeated that claim too, along with several others that have been disproved: she sold the plane on Ebay, she fired the personal chef, and so on . . . . and while I was listening to all that, something occurred to me. I’ve been doing this all wrong! You see, I’ve been limiting my claims to things that are actually true. But campaigning is so much easier when can just make stuff up.

So today I wanted to tell you some things I never have before. Did I ever mention that back in my Chicago days I played professional basketball for the Chicago Bulls? It’s true, when Jordan retired, they wanted me to take over at guard, but I said “thanks but no thanks; I’ve got a job to do in the state Senate.” Oh, and I don’t think I’ve mentioned this before either, but my running mate, Joe Biden, he once wrestled a live grizzly bear…and won! He also once sold the entire state of Delaware on Ebay. I kid you not.

I don’t know about you, but I feel liberated. This whole truth thing was really holding me back. I mean, John McCain keeps saying that I’m going to raise your taxes, even though every independent organization who’s looked at it says that my plan gives you a bigger tax cut than his. Well, two can play at that game. Did you know that under John McCain’s economic plan, if you fall behind on a house payment, his staff comes and takes your house away? It’s true. I swear. How do you think he got all those other houses?“

Owned.

Pensioners need an increase to the pension. Of this, there is no doubt. Brendan Nelson is calling for an extra $30 a week. Again, that would be a good start.

But did you know there are one million pensioners? That’s an extra $30 million a week, or a projected $1.3 billion a year. Suddenly, it’s not looking so easy. Where is that money supposed to come from?

Then Nelson (with the help of his party, and other undistinguished amateurs) had to go and oppose the luxury car tax, thereby stopping money from coming in that could have gone to the pensioners in need.

I see Brendan Nelson is a beginner to this whole socialism thing.

You see:

1. Taxes fund services.

2. Less tax = less services.
I’ve noted before the contradiction of the Liberals over pensioners, which is similar to that of farmers. Socialism is bad and wrong except when it comes to those two groups.

Brendan, I know you were a member of the Labor party for years but maybe it’s time to remember what party you’re on. I mean, if those old folk didn’t save enough superannuation, let them rot.

The Age reports today that drinking, then purchasing expensive items online is a larger phenomonen than originally thought. Alcohol is causing people to do irresponisble, crazy things:

‘”When I drink and shop, I always think I am a size smaller and I go for much funkier clothes than my usual black dresses,” Krause says. “I buy plaid or polka dots. I once bought a canary-yellow dress.”‘

Woah, slow down there you twisted sister.

The brother of a friend once bought a fleshlight drunk. Have you ever bought anything you regret?

I demand the truth. Are seniors eating dog food or not? I rang a nursing home to find out.

Me: Are you serving dog food to the elderly?

Them: *click*

I am not convinced. Seniors, to prove you’re really on the skids, I want you to send me a video of yourself eating dog food.

1. Simply get your grandchild to shoot it on his gnarly digital video camera.

2. Wipe up said grandchild’s vomit, or, save it for your next meal.

3. Upload it to YouTube.

4. Watch in awe as Parliament bows to your every command.

I will publish the best five on this page. Get eatin’!

QUESTION: [inaudible]

DR NELSON: Well look I’ve got nothing else to add to it.

It begs to be asked, what was the question? Answers by Friday, no sleep til Brooklyn.

John McCain did:

If only life was as simple as black and white, right versus wrong.

Nice work!

“Ordinary Australians are taking a hard look at how what they do in their daily lives affects the environment.

We’ve begun to change our ways.

From reducing the carbon footprint of our homes to making the switch to public transport, we’re showing enormous responsibility and leadership. The NEWS.com.au Green Awards recognise and celebrate our determination to tackle the environmental challenges ahead.

The awards recognise innovations from individuals and organisations and – importantly – the solutions to help take us forward. The major award is our Green Hero.

They could be a scientist doing world-class research in an environmental field. Or someone in your local area making a real difference.

There’s also a Junior Hero for the under 18s. In all the categories what we’re looking for is the drive and creativity Australians have shown in rising to the global challenge. We encourage you to nominate who you think’s made the greatest positive impact on the environment. Help us find and reward the best that Australians are doing in tackling the biggest challenge of our generation.”

Go on, nominate Andrew Bolt. I have.

Imagine Bolt’s outrage and indignation if Fairfax held these dubious awards? Yet News.com.au hold them and there is scant mention on his site.

Talk about toilets remains taboo in much of the world, but not in the Netherlands where personal health and hygiene matters are popular topics of conversation.

The winner will contest the seat of Mayo for the Liberal party.

“What they need to do, which they have not very well so far, is develop a better narrative – both a negative narrative about the Rudd Labor Government and a positive narrative about the Liberal Party.”

Emphasis mine.

The latest comparative study of the nation’s overall health by the Australian Institute of Health and Welfare (AIHW) – the government body responsible for compiling health statistics – shows that a baby born in Australia today can expect to live for 81.4 years, with men expected to live for 79 years and women for almost 84. Australians’ life expectancy is bettered only by the Japanese at 82.2 years.

Sad thing is, if the Libs had won, several websites who shall remain nameless would have linked the two, and gloated about the health giving benefits of Australia’s now second favourite party.

Yep.

Them’s logic for ya.

It’s as if our addict-in-chief is saying to us: “C’mon, guys, you know you want a little more of the good stuff. One more hit, baby. Just one more toke on the ole oil pipe. I promise, next year, we’ll all go straight. I’ll even put a wind turbine on my presidential library. But for now, give me one more pop from that drill, please, baby. Just one more transfusion of that sweet offshore crude.”

Um…what?

UPDATE: Try saying it out loud. Go on.

Now lament his loss.

Zimbabwe’s President Robert Mugabe was quoted on Sunday as saying he would be willing to hand power to a ruling party ally when he’s sure the country is safe from “sellouts” and from British interference.

If that isn’t a demand for Metallica to get out of Zimbabwe, I don’t know what is.

A: This.

Read “The Doctor is In” here.

EMBATTLED West Australian Opposition Leader Troy Buswell, who has admitted sniffing a female colleague’s chair and snapping another’s bra strap, has been accused of squeezing an MP’s testicles.

Was it Amanda Vanstone’s testicles?

Mr Buswell allegedly grabbed the backbencher in the crotch on the same night he snapped a Labor staffer’s bra during a drunken night at Parliament House last October.

Backbencher? So not Amanda. Perhaps this is why Backflip Brendan is opposing the alcopops tax – so he can join in the crazy shenanigans?

Nationals leader Brendon Grylls said the government should not wait until early next year to call the election.

“We must not allow the Parliament to fall into disrepute,” Mr Grylls said.

No, I agree. In-between chair sniffing, quokka molesting allegations, bra-snapping, scrotum squeezing and shirt lifting (not forgetting Brian Burke!), you must never let the WA parliament fall into disrepute.

The blog can be read here, and the men behind it can be contacted here.

What’s interesting is that the blog appears to have been leaked to that site from the inside, because the “edit widget” buttons are still there.

Nice work. You can’t even leak properly.

“What? A phone call? Are you sure? Is it a prank? No? I’ll take it!”

“Hello? No, I’m sorry. There is no Hugh Jarse here. But I’ll talk to you anyway. I went on a listening tour, and nobody listened….hello? Helloooooo? Hmm, must be a bad connection”

Christopher Pyne is full of confidence for the future:

Mr Pyne’s monologue – proclaimed in a voice many decibels louder than the hubbub in the dining room at the Jewel of India – made it clear he regarded his leader’s Gippsland strategy as a joke.

“Gippsland will be our Aston!” Mr Pyne declared theatrically.

Good for you, Liberals! You do your darndest to win that by-election!

“First Gippsland, then the Lodge!” Mr Pyne continued, parodying his leader.

That’s the spirit!

It was impossible for anyone else in the crowded restaurant, including this reporter, not to overhear Mr Pyne’s remarks, so loudly were they delivered.

It’s terrific that Pyne is so full of confidence and enthusiasm! Why, he wants to share it with an entire restaurant! He wants to share it with the nation!

Never stop your good work, Christopher Pyne. Your party needs more men like you.

Thanks to Steve.

Thanks to all those who entered this contest. Here are the winners:

Third place goes to Albi for this pearler:

“What? you want me to kill them all?”

Second place goes to Bruce:

“Groupthinking… Groupthinking… Come in Mao… Come in Mao…”

First place goes to Ant for this caption, worthy of Comedy Inc:

“CateCateCateCateCateCateCateCateCateCateCateCateCateCate…”

Congratulations!

GroupThink FC losing yet another game

It’s clear by now that GroupThink FC are the suckiest bunch of sucks who ever sucked. I’ve seen teams suck before, but Jesus…

8-3

19-2

18-0

It’s come to the point that they are not only embarrassing themselves, but embarrassing us by association, so I am setting up a petition to persuade GroupThink FC to stop playing indoor soccer, and take up a sport that they are more qualified to play. Like egg and spoon racing.

Please leave your signature below.

Go on. Caption it.

In my view the most pressing issue of our time in terms of Australia’s identity is stopping the downward socialist spiral we are on, and preventing Chairman Rudd’s attempts at making Australia the 34th province of China.

His socialist bent is disturbing at the very least, most recently his universal childcare program that is obviously intended to imprint his socialist doctine (sic) on children straight out of the womb.

All hail Bolt!

The scariest interview subject is in Saudi Arabia. An imam who has just led a prayer calling for the destruction of America gives Spurlock the crazy eyes.

Crazy eyes? Just who is responsible for that crap?

Looking up I see it’s Roger Moore.

Sorry, Roger. Love your work.

Vote yes.

Again and again.

And again.

And then again.

And again and again and again.

Quit, you old bag

Fo’ real.

*Tap

______________________
The Editor edits…

At the risk of attracting a beating from John for editing his post, I’d like to add that we missed out on first place by one point. One point that we gave away to the winning team in the first round.

Here’s how it happened.

The question was “what are the two superpowers that Hiro Nakamura from the TV show Heroes has?” Now, I’ve never seen the show but the other guys were across it. We wrote “time travel” and “teleportation”. When reading out the answers MC Jess (of Ausculture and Defamer fame) said that a team had written “space travel” instead of “teleportation” and she asked the floor if it should be marked correct. I argued — loudly and strenuously — that although space travel technically means moving from one place to another its common useage implies travel outside of Earth. After a few minutes of verbal slanging between me and the other table I conceded only to avoid the riot that was about to start. That point cost us the game.

So what do you think, GrodsReaders? Should I have conceded or should I have stuck to my guns?

Cr D’Agostino said most cafes and businesses on the street would hate the proposal initially, but ultimately it would earn them more money. “When people drive past in a car, they don’t spend money in a shop.”

No, now they’ll just drive past in a car somewhere else.

What do you know, I am a socialist.

Another Yarra councillor, the Socialist Party’s Stephen Jolly, said Cr D’Agostino was trying to divert attention from the more pressing issue in the area: a proposal to link the Eastern Freeway in Fitzroy to the Tullamarine Freeway by a tolled road tunnel.

“He’s obviously just got on the brandy and Coke and put this dumb idea forward,” Cr Jolly said. “But if he really wanted to protect Fitzroy from cars, he would be resigning from the Labor Party tomorrow and arguing against building a tunnel.”

I am so very glad I’m not on THAT council. It sounds like a meeting of the Mensa Society.

“The US Defence Department said today it is forbidding Google from filming and depicting in detail its military bases, after officials found precise imagery of a Texas base on the Google Maps website.”

How the hell are our Muslim brothers going to attack US military bases when they aren’t even allowed to have detailed maps of them? How is that fair?

I hate the US so much, I can’t wait for someone to just attack their military bases. It would totally serve them right because of what they did to Russia.

Fight the powah!

What do you think fellow GrodsReaders?

The cardboard cutout of Kevin Rudd, now known as Kardboard Kevin, already has a higher approval rating than Brendan Nelson, hitting 80% approval today.

More stats:

86% of Australians think Kardboard Kevin would do a better job as leader of the opposition.

73% of Australians think Kardboard Kevin has more personality than Brendan Nelson.

100% of Australians think that Kardboard Kevin is more attractive than Brendan Nelson.

60% of Australians think that Kardboard Kevin’s guitar skillz are more exxxxtreme.

Thanks to Malcolm Turnbull for leaking this Liberal Party polling.

“what has the world come to whe nthe front runners is the she-devil herself, hillary clinton, a muslim named hussein obama, and a far left liberal republican?”

“This is certainly not the America I grew up in. Every time I think things can’t get any crazier, it does. What I see in our future is not what I want my little grandkids to grow up in.”

“What happens when Obama’s Black, Muslim and African relatives arrive in the Rose Garden to sacrifice a sheep to Mohammed? What’s happened to my country?”

To which someone replied: “PETA won’t allow that.”

“No, it’s SEXISM, and a weird reverse racism. Dem males have a HUGE problem with women in power, especially white women. They view white women as baby-makers, and sex symbols, period. They get FREAKY at the thought of a white woman in power. A lot of Dem white males will vote for McCain, in the general. But they will vote for Obama in the primary to keep the white women, Hillary, out of power.”

To which someone replied: “Are you sure about that? I work around a ton of Democrat men and most of them would drag their woman kicking & screaming to the local abortion mill if she turned up pregnant and wanted to keep the baby.”

“As opposed to the little black school children who are taught to hack to death as many other children and adults in other tribes that they can.There are still tribes in the Congo that dine on decaying human flesh, because it tastes sweeter.”

(!)

“White women in particular, have bad experiences with black males of any age, as they tend to be FAR more sexually aggressive, and violent, than other man. White women tend to have bad experiences with black women, as black woman tend to hate, and especially resent white women.”

That’s right, it’s Microsoft Wondows!

Mentions of these tragedies on pro-gun, trigger-happy AWH?

Zero.

Must be difficult to promote your cause when the inconvenient facts are staring you in your face.

I have this friend, and he’s all like “John, download Underbelly here“, and I’m all like “No, way, man, downloading is WRONG and ILLEGAL and you should be ashamed of yourself.”

Maybe it’s not that funny at all.

The result, though, was a sick and sad and talented boy who stopped breathing.

Oh, so that’s how people die.

And if you thought it couldn’t get any better, one of the guys is a talking beer.

And did we mention he’s sassy? And a millionaire? And then they all go to Rio for some reason.

It’s called “Last Ale Standing” and Channel 10 is believed to be possibly interested, but it might only be because they want their crockery back.

Also available – this classy underwear:

And if you would like to contribute money to the rescue operation, please contact me at random.brainwave (at) gmail.com for my PayPal account.

Third negative: John Surname

As usual, Magic Bellybutton is resorting to lame gimmicks in order to trick you into thinking she’s right. She isn’t. She’s the opposite of right. She’s wrong. And here’s why.

Her pathetic attempts to try and discredit God are making him angry.

But it’s not just that. His feelings have mellowed in his ancient age (he is, after all, 6000 years old). Now he is feeling something else.

Sadness.

A tear leaks from his eye.

The tear turns into a flood.

The flood wipes out one of those loser countries that no one but Tim Costello cares about.

That’s right, Magic Bellybutton made God cry!

After all He’s done for her. Given her a place to live. Watched over her. Provided her with food. Watched her in the shower.

And this is how she repays him!

God builds THE UNIVERSE. Is a little faith too much to ask? A little meddling in politics? After all, He just wants whats best for you. What’s best for you does not include cloning, abortion, gays, sodomy, rainbow suspenders, Random Brainwave, black people, and Jews (yes, they’re wrong).

And yet, everyone is angry at him, from Richard Dawkins to Kerry O’Brien. The only people who even have faith anymore are those annoying hip-hop “artists”who thank him at the Grammy Awards, but let me tell you, God hates rap and he hates the Grammy awards.
So, stop thinking about yourselves. Think about the little people. Do you really want your children to grow up in a world of abortion-on-demand, rainbow-suspenders-on-demand and cloning-on-demand?

I didn’t think so!

Vote 1 – Vote GOD!

Second negative: John Surname

Sorry this post is late.

You see, last night I was visited by the Ghost Of Christmas Past. He visits every year to teach me the meaning of Christmas, and to also remind about why I should feed the cat. We also talked about how MB stole the premise of her response from the Michael Moore book Stupid White Men. It was so obviously fake. Like God is a woman and emails bloggers.

“Fooooor shaaaaaaame!!” he cried.

Despite what MB wants you to believe, religion and politics have been entwined forever. Since the days of the Egyptians, religious rules have guided the laws, and without question, they have been a smashing success.

The moment that we remove religion from politics, and allow laws to be made for logical instead of moral reasons is the day that we live as animals. If we removed religion from politics unspeakable things would happen:

1. Homosexuals would get rights
Where would we be if a bunch of immoral pillow biters were given the same rights as ordinary humans? We all know that teh gays are out to corrupt us all with their homosexual lifestyle. We know that teh gays want to teach Buggery 101 at primary schools. We know that on average gay people are less moral than normal people. If we allowed them to marry each other, the world would collapse upon itself. It is a ridiculous notion, since they all choose their sexual orientation anyway. They need to be taught how to be straight. It’s a lot more effective than giving them basic human rights.

2. Magazines
Think about how the magazines would feel? If there was no religion, they wouldn’t be able to report on pastors smoking crystal meth and screwing male prostitues. The editors wouldn’t be able to feed their children, who subsequently would starve to death. This would cause a chain famine and the entire world would collapse.

3. Football
Football is a religion to some morons. Politicians pretend to like football in order to get votes. Steve Fielding suggested that Geelong build a giant football, which makes you wonder what the hell he is smoking.

Oh, yeah. Crack.

If you take football out of politics all you will wind up with is a large population of disenchanted bogans who refuse to vote because the politicians won’t connect with them.

So they get carted off to gaol, away from their families. Their children respond badly, and start using drugs to quell the pain. Before long they’re dealing. Then they’re also in gaol. This creates a generational problem in which the entire fabric of society tears and the universe collapses upon itself.

Thus, I submit to you that removing religion from politics would lead to the destruction of the universe.

Thank you.

Where do you think the votes were found, dear reader? Under the table? Let me know in the comments

First negative: John Surname

“And God said, let there be light! And Lo, there was. The Lord was very pleased with this new invention, because now he could get a suntan. But he wasn’t finished yet. He knew he would have to find something to fuck up his creation. It was too perfect for the humans he was yet to create. The Lord stood to his full height and thundered “LET THERE BE POLITICIANS!”

Good morning distinguished guests, bloggers and assorted riff-raff. I am John Surname and for the next 600 words I’d like to present the negative side of this debate.

You see, what Magic Bellybutton knows and essentially ignored is that God is the original politician. He is the ultimate politician. You can protest. You can demand a recount. You can even vote for the Greens, but He has declared himself President-For-Life and there ain’t nothin’ you can do about it. Just like John Howard, God believes in the illusion of choice. We can vote Labor, and we can vote Liberal, we can even vote for God’s favourite party, Family First but it doesn’t make any difference as He is still calling the shots as leaders from all parties are too pathetic and lowly to reject Him.

God not only believes in capital punishment, He invented it. If you tried to pull any shit in His time he would smite you with a thunderbolt from the sky. God also invented Homophobia, and hasn’t that one lasted? In fact, many of our laws today derive from His parchment, The Best Little Whorehouse in Sodom (later renamed the Bible).

My esteemed opponent chose to imagine what life would be like if politics were controlled by a fake religion. That is rubbish. Scientology will never be in control as He wouldn’t allow it. Instead of making up fake hypotheticals, let’s see what good religion has done in politics:

1. Tony Abbott.
Tony Abbott is not only one of Australia’s finest politicians, he is one of Australia’s finest men. His loyal devotion to the Lord, and opposition to RU486 (known by God as Satan’s Pill) has earned him a special place in Heaven. The Lord believes that we should all strive to be more like Tony Abbott, and less like 50 Cent.

2. The Crusades.
Although the Crusades weren’t always successful, the Lord thought they were awesome and absolutely supported their aims. Even though they never took back the Holy Lands, the Crusaders got the last laugh as they are in Heaven, and the Muslims, like all Muslims, are burning in Hell.

3. The Iraq War
The Iraq War was an excellent piece of foreign policy that tops the achievements of the glorious Bush Administration. Bush has been reported as saying that God told him to do it. My source tells me this is entirely true.

4. Family First.
The Lord thinks Family First are, quote, “Lyk totally genius man!”. His favourite part is the clever way they hide their religious beliefs under the banner of “families”. God thinks this is hilarious because He doesn’t give a shit about families, Hell, he even allowed his own son to die. The truth of the matter is, Family First are a prank played on us by Steve Fielding (in consultation with God). I mean, how to do you think Steve Fielding wound up in the Senate? You can’t tell me there wasn’t more than a little divine intervention there!

In concluding, it frankly doesn’t matter what you do or who you vote for, as the moral standards He set down thousands of years ago still govern our lives today. He is President-For-Life and will remain so until the Sun swallows the Earth is a spectacular lightshow that we will all miss, but he will enjoy quite thoroughly.

Understandably, this news has saddened me.

Feel free to dance on his grave.

A man claiming to be armed with a bomb took over a campaign office of Democratic presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton today and was holed up after releasing at least two hostages.

I suggest we start stripping away their rights, firstly by not letting them wear hats. I mean, there could be guns under them hats!

Congratulations to the ONE person who chose Brendan Nelson, possibly as a joke. The rest of you are idiots and have shamed this blog with your inaccurate guessing and lack of Liberal party insider news. For shaaaaame.

Update: Disappointing news from the Vatican. Surely Malcolm Turnbull has no serious competitors?

Update 2: Wise philosopher Habib comments on Tim Blair:

Slightly O/T, but Turnbull has backed saying sorry (and thus exposing taxpayers to extensive and expensive litigation), and given the nod to nobbling workplace reform, accompanied by fellow northshore (sic) fatboy knobend (sic) Joe Hockey- a display of pathetic invertabrate (sic) snivelling (sic) that’d ashame a bluebottle.

I don’t think whoever gets the leadership of the liberal party’s going to make any difference- they already were a mild centrist social democrat party, they’ll now veer further to the left, and idssapear (sic) into irrelevance as they have on a state level.

Time for a new party methinks, one that actually holds conservative/libertarian values and sticks to them.

If the option is a pack of spineless panderers and spendthrifts over the incumbent apologise-addicted drunken sailors, the ALP’s going to be in office until the place goes bankrupt and finally turns to the inevitible (sic) Mad Max 2 dystopia that the electorate richly deserves.

You heard the man. The Rudd government is going to lead to this:

But Habib don’t stop there:

Turnbull (and his idiot wife) are North Shore luvvies straight out of central casting- he’s acceptable to the left, because he agrees with a lot of their fruity ideas; I think the Liberal party’s had the dick, all the wet retards and embarrassing cretins like Petro Georgiou, Bruce Baird and Dana Vaile got back in while more conservative (and effective) types like Mal Brough got the arse.

BTW, I don’t think any party has the right to apologise (and thus expose to litigation) to anyone on behalf of taxpayers without getting their approval (via referendum) to do so- I’ll be fucked if I say sorry for something that’s none of my responsibility, particularly when the actions being apologised for saved lives and educated the alleged “victims”.

Get ready for a return to Keatingesque black armband bollocks big time.

There, there. It’ll be okay. No one’s expecting you to take any responsibility, we know it’s beyond you.

Today’s poll – who would you like to see lead the Liberal party?

My vote is for Tony Abbott – how hilarious would that? Abbott would be far more damaging than Latham ever was. For one he’d make Cardinal Pell deputy leader and force all non-Catholics to sea.

Oh, woe is me.

Recap:

Prodos awards Catch The Fire Ministries pastor Danny Nalliah  the Annual International Capitalism Award for Melbourne.

Later it’s revealed Danny Nalliah addressed an anti-Israel group in 2005.
Prodos is pro-Israel.

Prodos freaks out.

Got it?

Fast forward to now. Yesterday Prodos posted an interview with Danny Nalliah, obviously just to confirm where this guy stands. It must be said that Prodos speaks for 3:25 before this guy even gets a word in. What is interesting about this interview is the tone of incredulity that Prodos maintains throughout – like you’d be crazy not to believe what he says!

Note: This interview is for “innerlecules” only.

Prodos: Now just let me apologise for not being more well-versed on Christianity…

Apology accepted! Prodos always asks the hard questions:

Prodos: Aren’t you making bad people look good by being there?

Ugh, listen to it yourself, it’s pretty unbearable. Just wait for when Danny Nalliah likens being homosexual to being a druggie.