When I called my new ISP this morning to check on the progress of my intertubes connection the man said, “Ergh, ummm, ergh, probably the seventh.”

And here’s what the ISP’s connection status page said about my intertubes connection at 1:45pm this afternoon.

They’re making this up as they go along.

UPDATE (3:50pm): The website was telling the truth. I’m online!!1!

Last night it was a bit dark in the house so I decided to turn on a light. The switch looked like this.

So I reached out and did this…

…and the switch looked like this.

The whole process (decision to turn light on > stand up > walk across room > flick switch) took less than ten seconds. It wasn’t very hard at all and it didn’t cost me any money.

Last week I decided to have a different company pipe the intertubes into my house so I got on the phone and ordered it. Deep inside the bowels of a Brunswick red brick building that houses a telephone exchange is a switch that currently looks like this.

Apparently it takes five to seven working day for a technician to get off his or her arse and do this…

…so that the switch looks like this.

Plus it costs $75. First world telecommunications, my arse.

(Mind you, it’s kind of cool blogging from a cafe with free wi-fi, loud, funky music and lattes on call.)

Called my ISP’s techical support line this afternoon…

Technical Supporter: Welcome to iPrimus technical support. How can I help you today?

The Editor: Hi, I’m having a bit of trouble with my broadband connection at the moment. It has been intermittently dropping out and reconnecting for a few hours now. I just wanted to know if there were any problems with the service that you were aware of at the moment? Otherwise I’ll know that the problem’s at my end.

Technical Supporter: Okay, can I start by asking your username, Sir?

The Editor: (gives username)

Technical Supporter: And for security purposes can I ask for your full name and date of birth, Sir?

The Editor: (gives full name and date of birth)

Technical Supporter: Thankyou, Mr The Editor. Now, how can I help you today?

The Editor: Um, I just told you.

Technical Supporter: Errrr, yes. Can you tell me again, Sir?

The Editor: Hmmmm. I’m having a bit of trouble with my broadband connection at the moment. It has been intermittently dropping out and reconnecting for a few hours now. I just wanted to know if there were any problems with the service that you were aware of at the moment? Otherwise I’ll know that the problem’s at my end.

Technical Supporter: Okay, what is the brand of your modem, Sir?

The Editor: I don’t think that really matters. I just want to know if there are any service…

Technical Supporter: Sir, please! I am trying to help you. Now if you can just tell me the brand of your modem.

The Editor: I don’t think… Oh, God, whatever. It’s a (brand of modem).

Technical Supporter: Thankyou, Sir. Now do you know that there needs to be a filter on the line between your phone and your…

The Editor: Listen! I just want to know if iPrimus is having any problems with their broadband service in my area at the moment.

Technical Supporter: Sir, I will ask you to not interrupt and calm down as I am just trying to help you. You must let me finish reading this. A filter on the line between your phone and your phone line socket.

The Editor: Oh, for fuck’s sake…

Technical Supporter: I will ask you to please not swear, Sir.

The Editor: …I just want to know if you are having problems with the broadband in my area! It’s a really simple question. If you can’t answer it then please put me onto somebody who can!

Technical Supporter: Hang on a moment, Sir.

The Editor: (hangs on)

Technical Supporter: There are no problems with the ADSL service in your area that I am aware of, Sir.

The Editor: No problems or none that you are aware of?

Technical Supporter: Excuse me, Sir?

The Editor: Is it possible that there are problems that you are not aware of? You know, you’re very busy reading that script to paying customers, and all.

Technical Supporter: Um, no problems, Sir.

The Editor: Thankyou.

Technical Supporter: Is there anything else I can help you with today, Sir?

The Editor: I doubt it.

Technical Supporter: Thankyou for calling iPri…

The Editor: (hangs up)